[Asmaa]

It was one hit on my face from him but it only touched the side of my face And my return was on the face too. Oh my...this is tough to describe and remember!!

[jen1447]

Okay ....were these slaps with an open hand or closed fist punches? I don't want to make you relive bad memories but the difference is kind of important, both in practical terms and symbolically. If a man slaps a women, it can be moreso interpreted as some form of discipline (tho I don't buy that sort of privileged authorative treatment myself), because he's showing some restraint. If he punches her, he's not, and it's just an outright physical attack intended to hurt and injure. The latter calls for an emergency departure, the first just a dramatic reassessment of your domestic situation, imo.

[Asmaa]

Actually it was a hit not slap nor a punch, a hit with hands (not sure if one or two, I don't recall) it happened so quickly but it was definitely not a punch. This came out of him while shouting at me asking to stop steaming.

[jen1447]

Okay, it sounds like it wasn't much of an attack. What about you, did you connect any better than he did?

See this is where the variability others have mentioned comes into play, and what a story sounds like at first isn't always what it is. If you instigated this whole thing, he slapped at you kind of weakly in response, and you nailed him with a knock out blow in response to that, then the fault pretty much lies with you hon. The one caveat is that really no blows should be thrown whatsoever, so he's to blame for taking that liberty under any circumstances, but still if you started the fight and kicked his butt, you're not all at free from blame.

[Stillness]

I find the relative weight people give different forms of abuse interesting. It would be much more damaging for my wife to follow me in a vehicle yelling at me when I'm trying to get away than it would be for her to hit me. It's one thing to get into it at home, but taking it public and going after someone trying to escape is insanity, to me.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just don't think the severity of what you did can't be minimized. It sounds like you have a good man that you pushed over the edge. You're thinking about leaving him, but it looks like you might not even get the chance. I guess you could be happy alone, but if you're ever going to be with someone you should know that not too many people who are healthy-relationship material are going to put up with that kind of craziness. In my humble opinion, you should be trying to figure out how to control yourself and save your marriage, not pondering on whether you should leave him.

[Millner]

Hello,

I really need someones' advice and opinion. I am experiencing the thing i always thought i would act by divorcing if any the husband or nay men hits, i would leave him with no further discussion. This is the story, i am married for 6 months now, we have had few disputes, the worst he did was to shout and i shout back. Yesterday, it was one degree up, we fougth over a stupid thing; he is stressed out from work, these days he does not have a car, he needed to take mine but i was going to need myself, so i guess his ego was already heating up because, he didnt have a car & was needing my help. He is an exremly good man, caring, repsectful and loving but yesterday he did something i dont think i can ever forget....anyway to cut a long story short, he was driving the car, we started having an argument and shouting, he stopped the car & left it and me inside it (he took his bag & left), i drove the car following him asking to come in (i hate when he runs away from disputes!!!!!), i reached to him and started shouting like no man's business, i think the whole outside world heard me, at that moment he lost control, came in in the car and hit me, after a few second he stopped, i did not feel he hurt me though, a second later i was again out of control, shouting and say "YOU DONT NOT HIT ME.." and i hit him back, he lost his sunglasses on the floor, from that moment: " he left the car" and said "its over between us"....so he left work. During the day, i felt so guitly for shouting and going crazy (i think my mind did not admit the hiting yet), he came back home late and slept, we didnt talk. Now i woke up this morning shoked with what happened, i cant talk to anyone about it, i dont know what to do. I love him and love our future that we are building together but i know i must not accept that he raises is hand on me....i really dont know what to do...Can you please advice.

I am an indepent women and i do not need him financially but i must be clever in managing this, is it my fault? do i need to grow up? Does he need a go lesson? How should make it this never happen again?

sorry,he's not good guy if he hit you and reacted that way AT ALL. I have been the victim of domestic abuse and now I'm a survivor because I am INDEPENDENT and STRONG and will not allow any of this to happen. There are NO excuses for what he did. Please find a counselor to talk with. If you go back, I am here to tell you that it won't get any better. I will not *****foot around this issue at all. it.will.not.get.better. Leave him, please.

[Millner]

Actually it was a hit not slap nor a punch, a hit with hands (not sure if one or two, I don't recall) it happened so quickly but it was definitely not a punch. This came out of him while shouting at me asking to stop steaming.

wow, why did I even read any of these replies? ugh makes me sad that people are thinking "depending on the hit...." NO! He hit you. Get away from him!

[Never_Accept_Defeat]

Do we just leave because we messed up, we are married by law and religion. I don't have the courage to quit that easily. Isn't marriage for the best and worse, or this is just a fantasy?

It does not take courage to quit, it takes cowardliness to quit. You are right you should go to counseling if you feel it can be resolved. As far as the back and forth of the hitting goes...whoever said that "its never the person getting hit who is at fault" that is not correct. While it may seem that way you can compare it to getting bit by a dog. If you constantly taunt a dog that is just doing his thing and finally he snaps because he cannot take it anymore and you get bit....WELL that is your fault. You got bit because you ignored all the precursors to getting bit. Same thing here. While I do not agree with it I have been in relationships where this has happened. I do not advocate for violence or even justifying hitting someone because they hit you but people tend to react sometimes out of instinct. It doesn't mean they are bad or anything they just got pushed to far. Best thing to do is just sit down and talk it out. Communication in a positive manner can FIX a lot of things.

[Stillness]

I have been the victim of domestic abuse and now I'm a survivor

I appreciate your perspective. I've never been in a relationship where things got physically or verbally violent, so I lack that. Once, in my first year of marriage, my wife and I raised our voices in anger - that's it. Clearly I think hitting is outrageous.

At the same time, your zero tolerance take on it seems extreme to me. I'm wondering, do you make a distinction at all between a one time even and a pattern of abuse? From my own experience, something happening once does not mean it will happen again.

When I was a teenager after my mother had been married to my stepfather for a few years, she claimed that he pushed her during an argument. He told me that she initiated the contact and her pushed her off. She left him for a few days. They've been married for 23 years now. As far as I know they've never had another physical altercation and are inseparable. I saw them yell once while I was living with them besides that one event, but I don't think they do anymore. And, there's my own experience of a little yelling that never happened again in the 13 years that my wife and I have been married.

What I'm saying is that it strikes me as unreasonable to paint someone as a no good abuser for one incident in which they were provoked and were the victim of abuse themselves.

[Never_Accept_Defeat]

What I'm saying is that it strikes me as unreasonable to paint someone as a no good abuser for one incident in which they were provoked and were the victim of abuse themselves.

I agree, it does not matter who hit who here or in what order it happened and it is no different in any way shape or form if a man hits a woman or a woman hits a man. Hitting is hitting. If you are telling some one to bail out over a one time thing in a relationship you obviously do not know a lot about life or relationships. Stuff happens and everything must be weighed out before any moves are made. Again violence is never a good answer and should not be taken lightly but it should also not be blown out of proportion as if someone just invaded a country and is seeking to create mass genocide. Just saying