[tango1986]

Tango, I think our last 2 posts crossed. You got one in while I was still writing.
Let me share with you a personal experience.

Baboy, I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I know that in life many of us go through relationships like this where, from the outside everyone can see clear as day that is just isn't meant to be, but within it you are in a thick fog. Yes, I can relate to much of what you are saying, and like you I can justify everything that has happened... or counter it with some terrible deed that I committed (although I can't say I can relate to the sexual deviance of my partner; I am more prone to emotional purges). I.e., Sure he wears lingerie, sure that turns me off, but hey, maybe I'm just not adventurous enough? Sure he undermined our relationship for sexual release with this other woman, but maybe I was leaning too heavily emotionally on a guy friend? I can forgive about anything and am a particularly empathetic individual and I'm sure my boyfriend takes advantage of this, knowingly or not.

You are lucky to have fallen out of love. There are some days I pray for that. It would be a wonderful thing if I simply didn't love him and could have him in my life as a close friend and confidante. I have just found it too difficult to walk away in the past, because honestly, I can see my boyfriend trying. However, I think that he and I both acknowledged a long time ago that we are not compatible and have been playing hot-potato with that notion, back and forth, bending for one another every time a new issues arises. Sadly you are correct that I have not fallen out of love with him, despite everything, and a trying now to take a step back now and see if I can find the clarity and courage to do what is best. It does bother me to let him go.

[atskitty2]

I don't mean to oversimplify or minimize the concerns you have, but I think the other posters have addressed it well. Seems to me you've just discovered incompatibility after years of inconsistent contact, that most of us would have clued into after a year or two.

Choice is whether to accept and work on it or move on.

[effy2014]

Of course it bothers you to let go. You are human and love in the strongest of emotions. If we operated on logic all the time, we could always take the right path. We would also be deprived of the emotional highs that only love can bring.

As you have found, love alone cannot sustain a relationship over time. You have taken the path that most women do -- try everything to save the relationship because she still cares for her man. You have reached the point of knowing that the breakup is inevitable but still hoping there is something you can do to save it. You are and have been a wonderful partner.

A few sessions of individual therapy may help to clarify things in your mind. It seems to me that you still blame yourself . . . if only you were more adventurous and accepting. You also do not want to see him alone and broken. The hardest thing for empaths and giving people is to make decisions that seem to only benefit themselves. A therapist may help you to save yourself and your future from love-stricken decision making.

I wish you the best.

[tango1986]

I think a big problem is that although we're incompatible, my boyfriend seems to always have a reason to convince me it will change. I'm more of a realist in those situations and tend to stick to my guns - "this is what I need in a relationship, and I know that, we simply shouldn't be together", I don't leave much room for compromise. Then, he changes himself and convinces me that it's okay, because it's change "for the better - and isn't that what partners are for?" Problem is, I can buy that when it comes to things like improving communication, realizing tendencies to avoid conflict, or working on becoming a more supportive partner. But in this situation, there isn't a lot of wiggle room now that he has proven to be untrustworthy. There also isn't much room to change fetishes that have been pursued for over a decade. That's just trying to squeeze into a box and convincing himself the confines are comfortable. Despite that, he is still trying to tell me that he won't act on these impulses again, is done with the lies, yadda yadda yadda.

I can't see a world where he stops lying now that he knows I don't approve of certain aspects of him. Or when we have a history of me being firm and him morphing to fulfill my every need. In this instance, I don't think there is compromise on the lingerie. We both know it's going to happen again, he has proven already that he is willing to cheat on me for sexual release - what's the difference, really, if he thinks I won't find out? I don't know how he can't see that this is either something I accept and move forward, or something I can't live with and let go. Yet it's extremely difficult to be told there is a middle ground, if I can be accepting of that in the past, then we can move forward and have it be that - a thing of the past. It is cyclical.

Just to clarify, if it matters at all, we have spent the majority of our relationship together in the same country. And it has not always been this way, obviously there have been more good times to outweigh the bad, but no one ever really comes to a support forum to talk about how wonderful their boyfriend has been. He has often had to go back to his home country for short periods of time inbetween visas every couple of years. The LDR has only been for 2 months at the most. I found out about the cheating when I was with him overseas and have just come back home to take care of a few things and clear my head. I had planned to move overseas permanently with him in the next two weeks. Obviously I am reconsidering.

[effy2014]

You are thinking very clearly. The head knows now what the heart is unwilling to accept. Moving overseas in two weeks will only make things more complicated when the next cycle arrives.

In relationships, as in life, there are some things we can not live with or make compromises to accommodate. I think that the loss of trust is bigger than the fetish. You ask why he can't see it? The simple truth is because you are the best person that has ever been in his life and he is willing to say anything to keep you. If you are looking for him to "release you", he won't. Why would he? Your actions have shown him that you can be convinced to stay.

This will have to be your decision and your break-up.

[jen1447]

He sounds like a bit of a con-man, honestly. Cons do two things very well - they always manipulate situations so there's some conceivable shadow of doubt that the person being conned is wrong about what they suspect (e.g. it's possible that he actually will stop wearing panties, I'm sure you tell yourself), and they muddy the waters of doubt by actually being honest about some things while continuing to be dishonest about the most important things. (It's natural for most people to think of honesty and dishonesty as black and white and conclude that honest behavior in one area implies honesty everywhere. With most people that's generally true, but not with people who are trying to run a game on you.)

I'm sorry hon but you need to end this, and like effy says, it's going to be up to you.

[tango1986]

Effy & Jen, I found your posts so helpful. In the long run, it is the lack of trust that is the greatest issue, for sure. The fetish, even with just 24 hours to consider, seems like less of a big deal (although still something I'm not particularly keen on). His sexual appetite frightens me, particularly because I'll admit that I find cerebral/emotion connections in a relationship much more fulfilling, so I can't relate to his needs/preferences. I know most young men have a healthy sexual appetite, but I'm not sure they all go to such great lengths to achieve it... Any comments on that?

We have been working on the trust issues. He did actually give me all of his passwords and has made his life an open book for me. Unfortunately it has also given me the opportunity to become completely obsessed with trying to find more skeletons. We have been to therapy and he has continued on after I left. I can understand why he hid this fetish from me, I wouldn't have wanted to tell me either. But it was still some part of him that was hidden... And you have to wonder, how many more of these parts are there that he hides because he just doesn't think/know that I'll like. So you're right in assuming the trust is the key issue here. It also has to do with his confidence.

I'm going to be honest, I don't feel ready to break it off with him, even though I see writing on the wall and logistically this makes the most sense. I genuinely do not feel like I have the heart or courage to do it right now. I have put so much into this relationship that I feel tied to him

[effy2014]

No one can tell you when or if to break this off. It has to be within you. I hope the accumulation of trust issues, him being untruthful and your obsession with looking for untruths, will not doom the relationship. Your eyes are wide open to all of the issues and that is a plus.

Most men (me included though I am far from young) have a healthy sexual appetite. My fetishes have been more tame and I have included my GFs in all of them. It's not the appetite or the fetish that is the issue, it's in doing it behind your back. If he expressed his sexuality by going down on you every day, there would be no complaints.

To his credit, he is in therapy and working on his issues. I would just be very cautious in moving right now. Those circumstances might cause you to accept further backsliding since you are already committed to a job and living quarters overseas.

Thank you for your reply. We are here to help.

[tango1986]

Thanks Effy, I am certainly not committing to anything right now. I will have to make another plan for the immediate future because regardless of what happens, there have just been too many lies to put myself in that position. I'm not sure what's going to happen, I haven't decided one way or another. I'm going to just take this time to breath and reflect and hope to find some resolve.

[Baboy]

Tango, when you said a couple of posts ago that you just don't feel ready to break it off with him, that's what I meant when I said perhaps your time has not yet come. There are times, even knowing you should, you do not. Also as I said, that's not really such a terrible thing. In my case, had I decided at an earlier time to break off the relationship of which I spoke, it would have involved more pain and self-doubt about the wisdom of doing so. By waiting, things only became clearer and, indeed, I really had fallen out of love so bringing it to an end involved a lot less heartbreak.

You also mention that your bf seems to be making an effort to address your concerns and, while it certainly does not seem free of doubt, it just might all work out.

Best, b.