[calibri~]

These last years, many factors have swarmed together leaving me with limited libido, and almost no desire for sex with my significant other. The ever-present things that are really turning me off are:
Antidepressants
Birth control pills (even though I ain't really getting any use out of them)
Lack of respect for my job/friends/family/opinions
Lack of encouragement, compliments, or appreciation
Constant negativity and talking about people dying
Lack of romance
Childish comments, name-calling and Games
Not feeling like I have freedom
Being self conscious about my body (and personality)
Significant other taking pleasure in farting and burping with gestures, comments and at times dances...and talking about poo all the time, thinking it's so clever and funny.(it's not...it's gross)
Not going anywhere that I can get dressed up for
Arguments that never resolve.
Being prodded in the stomach
Being given a wedgee.
Not ever being told if SO even likes what we (used to) do in bed

Does anyone else find these kind of things incredibly anti-sexy?....I mean, even if I was kinda feeling like I could be persuaded despite the above, something else like being told how crappy I am at something, or being asked to do all of the housework totally kills the potential.

Things that would turn me on if my significant other could be bothered

Caring about what I have to say
Making me feel like a better, more attractive person.
Massages
Letting me listen to my music for a change
Taking me out on a date
Trying to romance me a little
Helping out with chores
Little notes or nice comments

Anyone got any idea how I can turn this ship around?
;/

[calibri~]

I should add we've been together 10 years, no kids. I used to be very adventurous and confident in bed but now the thought of any kind of sex makes me feel very selfconscious.

[effy2014]

Calibri --

Virtually your entire first list are incredible turn offs. Some are medical, some emotional and some dictated by your SO. Each of them have potentially different solutions.

The medical and emotional are issues for you to solve. I am not a doctor, but the list you gave indicates that you have depression issues. Society has convinced us that popping a pill will solve it all. It doesn't, especially if the doctor who prescribed the drugs is not a psychiatrist. If you are depressed, you need to see a good psychiatrist who has a good understanding of all the drugs available and can deal with the side effects (lack of libido is a common one). Most important, drugs work best when combined with therapy. It would really help if you had someone who could help you sort through this. People with depression who have a negative outlook on their job, friends and family are not very sexy to others either. You should work on the issues you can control.

There are obvious relationship issues. Sex starts with the brain. If you feel,or are made to feel, unappreciated, disrespected and unloved, how could you possibly feel sexual. From your description, your SO appears very juvenile and has no clue how to carry on a healthy adult relationship. Wedgees, drinking and farting and talking about poo are activities that should have been left in high school. There is little place for it in the adult world.

Are the two of you married? How old are you?

You have invested 10 years with this man. If you want to save the relationship and "turn the ship around" the two of you need to be able to communicate. I can relate to the frustration of being with an immature person who is constantly negative and unsupportive. Can he change? Is this a man who will ever be able to romance you, give you complements and treasure you? You have a great list of your needs which can serve as the starting point for the relationship. That is what the two of you need to talk about. He needs to know that, if he follows through, that you will be able to give him the intimacy he wants.

Communication is the key.

[jen1447]

Knowing your situation only by what you wrote here (as opposed to the last 10 years lol), I'd be out of there in two seconds (actually he'd be out of there - fired). He's a little boy/man-child, let him go be one with other like-minded people if that's all he wants out of life.

The biggest issue is actually not his maturity but his lack of respect for you (typical of children who haven't learned it yet). Farting and wedgies and all that doesn't show you the respect you have to have. A real man will give you that respect, and that's an absolute in my book because without it, anything's possible. Stand up for yourself.

[calibri~]

Thanks both for taking the time to reply.
Effy, we are both about 30 and unmarried. I have had extensive psychotherapy to overcome an eating disorder and panic disorder and am currently seeing a couseller about improving my self-confidence
Thanks for validating my General feelings that the lack of respect etc would affect my libido...I didn't know if I was just making that up.

When we first met, I was romanced, adored and treated like a princess. One night I got drunk and kissed someone else and since then I'm not his princess anymore ( we are talking 8-9 years ago). He has the ability to treat me the way I'd like, he just chooses not to. I haven't fallen from grave like that! I was never a good housewife type to start with!

Yup need to work on.communication.I don't even know where to start!

Jen - hehe yup if I was reading this from the outside I might say the same! So you think I need to be more assertive ( I kind of flunked that part of my therapy, but I still have the notes!!)

[effy2014]

Unfortunately, psychotherapy does not teach relationship communication. If you want to read about it, I would suggest starting with Dr. Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight". You need to be able to bring up issues honestly without blaming your partner and making him get defensive. SP346 has a great explanation in a recent thread in the sex forum (it's titled "How can I get my husband to understand"). I suggest you read it.

If this is about an incident 8 years ago, there has to be time where you can get out of jail. He is being incredibly juvenile. One way to approach him is to tell him how you feel -- not what he had done to you. Go to the list of what you need and ask if he is willing help. Have him do the same -- what does he need in the relationship. Maybe the two of you can compromise (or at least he can be honest with his feelings).

You have to be assertive to get what you want in a relationship. Look at the notes from you prior therapy and pass the test this time!

[jen1447]

Jen - hehe yup if I was reading this from the outside I might say the same! So you think I need to be more assertive ( I kind of flunked that part of my therapy, but I still have the notes!!)

Assertive in terms of defending your dignity, not fixing him. (That's not your responsibility.) IMO, defending your dignity in this situation would basically mean saying "get your juvenile butt out of here."

I tend to be more heavy-handed in my opinions about this stuff than the effy2014's of the world, so chances are he has a more reasonable viewpoint on it all and you should take his advice first and foremost. I just want you (and everybody) to stick up for yourself in general.

p.s. - even his response to you kissing the guy 9 years ago is juvenile. If he felt that he lost all respect for you because you did that (questionable conclusion in itself - I assume you didn't carry out a 6 month affair and boff the guy every day on your BF's kitchen table), he should have walked, not cut his losses and hung onto you while devaluing you in the process. Grown ups don't do that. He should have tried to resolve it, and if you brazenly rejected his efforts, left. It actually sounds like a blaming rationalization tbh.

[effy2014]

I tend to be more heavy-handed in my opinions about this stuff than the effy2014's of the world, so chances are he has a more reasonable viewpoint on it all and you should take his advice first and foremost. I just want you (and everybody) to stick up for yourself in general. .

If more women were like you (and Patti and Romy etc) then bad behaving men would be kicked to the curb so often that they would be forced to change. Your advice is spot on but almost impossible for a lot of women (and men) to do. I relate well to the investment of time and emotional energy even in impossible relationships where the head knows what to do but the heart can't let go. We are far weaker in that respect.

I appreciate the complement but your perspective is equally necessary to "hear".

[Something_Awesome]

If more women were like you (and Patti and Romy etc) then bad behaving men would be kicked to the curb so often that they would be forced to change.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

- Albert Einstein

[calibri~]

Thanks for more replies.Effy, thanks for the pointer of where to look to improve and understand communication.thanks for the pep talk!
Jen, ha, your message made me giggle, no kitchen table action or similar that I can report! You might be right about the blaming thing...it's an ongoing theme. I really appreciate your open opinions.
It's lovely that even though the two of you have quite different opinions or ideas, you respect each others ways ( other forums can be much more aggressive)
Good old Einstein eh? He knew a thing or two didn't he something awesome?