[effy2014]

You will find a better relationship and more love because of this experience. You will proactively communicate, at first as a defense mechanism and then because it preempts conflict. Be who you are -- an open loving person with a wonderful daughter. You will meet divorced Dads in playgroups or school events and other parents you meet will love to fix you up as well.

Your ex's jealousy will astound you when you do start dating. It will be his worst nightmare.

What kind of drama does he bring? We have great posters here who can certainly give you their perspective.

[Pneeleysmom]

You will find a better relationship and more love because of this experience. You will proactively communicate, at first as a defense mechanism and then because it preempts conflict. Be who you are -- an open loving person with a wonderful daughter. You will meet divorced Dads in playgroups or school events and other parents you meet will love to fix you up as well.

Your ex's jealousy will astound you when you do start dating. It will be his worst nightmare.

What kind of drama does he bring? We have great posters here who can certainly give you their perspective.

In our divorce papers the he signed, it specifically states that no one can be at the house past 10 pm that isn't a blood relative. He moved his girlfriend in. So, now, our daughter cannot spend the night. He has cussed me and called me every name under the sun because I will not go against our divorce papers and allow our daughter to spend the night with him. HE made the choice to allow the girlfriend to move in and this is somehow my problem? He tells me I don't allow him all the time with his daughter that he is due. His girlfriend has two children, one of which is now occupying our daughters bedroom....My daughter (5) has asked me numerous times where her room is. He picks our daughter up very early in the morning and brings her home VERY late at night (10:30 - 11:00 pm) she is exhausted and irritated. On Sundays before school he continues to push the envelope about bringing her home at a decent hour in enough time for me to complete homework, bath time get her wound down for bed, etc. he just always has an attitude and says very hurtful things to me and the apologizes later. Which obviously means nothing anymore. He's very sneaky and only nice when he wants something. It's just very hard to have a decent relationship post divorce with a man that hurt you as bad as he hurt me and continues to make me feel like I have to walk around on eggshells when it comes to our child. I could go on for days about all the things he's done. Now, I try not to communicate with him unless it's via text message.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are only 30 Remember that.

This road is going to be a bit difficult, after all 15 years of your life is a long time. I don't think that the hurt will go away completely but it will soften a lot especially when you meet someone else later down the track. You'll find that you'll question what the heck you ever saw in your husband and a whole weight will lift.

I think that it should take a year to two before a person seeks love again, but loneliness is a different thing, you have to keep on top of that, plan ahead in those situations to do fun things, be somewhere else.

This can be an exciting time in your life, all the things you missed doing, you now don't have to, it's now your life and only yours (plus daughter) you can do what ever you want, go where you want, be who you want.



Hun, I'm just curious why you would put that into a Divorce, past 10pm. You can't change what he's done and I agree with Effy, at some point he's going to regret making this move, a ready made family that he has to care for as well now. The sex will dwindle and so will his bank balance and I am betting he will come running back to you but by that time, your detest for him will not allow that to happen.

If your daughter "was" to be able to sleep over there, where would she sleep?

How old is she now?

I'm just thinking out loud of what we do sometimes may not be the best for a child.

Please take that part the right way.

[Pneeleysmom]

You are only 30 Remember that.

This road is going to be a bit difficult, after all 15 years of your life is a long time. I don't think that the hurt will go away completely but it will soften a lot especially when you meet someone else later down the track. You'll find that you'll question what the heck you ever saw in your husband and a whole weight will lift.

I think that it should take a year to two before a person seeks love again, but loneliness is a different thing, you have to keep on top of that, plan ahead in those situations to do fun things, be somewhere else.

This can be an exciting time in your life, all the things you missed doing, you now don't have to, it's now your life and only yours (plus daughter) you can do what ever you want, go where you want, be who you want.



Hun, I'm just curious why you would put that into a Divorce, past 10pm. You can't change what he's done and I agree with Effy, at some point he's going to regret making this move, a ready made family that he has to care for as well now. The sex will dwindle and so will his bank balance and I am betting he will come running back to you but by that time, your detest for him will not allow that to happen.

If your daughter "was" to be able to sleep over there, where would she sleep?

How old is she now?

I'm just thinking out loud of what we do sometimes may not be the best for a child.

Please take that part the right way.

This is a state recommendation for he nor I to be able to do this. I assume it's to protect the child from men and women alike that Shack up, introduce the kid and get them all confused when it doesn't work out. She's 5 by the way.

[Pneeleysmom]

And I have no idea where she'd sleep. In my opinion, if he was wanted our daughter there for overnights he wouldn't have allowed the woman to move in long before the divorce was even final. Plus it's only until he remarries, not forever.....

[Pneeleysmom]

Definitely not taken the wrong way. Before the woman and her kids coming around our daughter cried every time she had to go, and sometimes he'd go two weeks without seeing her. Now that her and her kids are there he wants to play happy family. Granted our daughter likes the gf and she seems to be good to our daughter as well. Aside from gf saying that she's my daughter's mom........ That's a problem.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

For your daughter, it's good that she gets along but I'm guessing it's because there are other kids to play with.

At 5 years of age, your ex is irresponsible for bringing her home so late at night, what is he thinking? Rebel against you or the welfare of your child together.

The girlfriend is new, she doesn't have a right to have this little one calling her Mom, if she wants your daughter to look at her with some form of authority, she only needs to be an Adult, she could have suggested Aunty but I guess this woman feels that she belongs and is staying, I wonder when that will change, when she realises at some point in time, she's boring and is no longer wanted

Just keep being you, you'll get through all of this.

[Baboy]

Welcome back, p'smom, and thanks for update.

CW said it nicely, thus:

Just keep being you, you'll get through all of this.

[Mith]

Hi all!

I am new to the forum, found this lovely place via Google, only because I feel like NO ONE understands me!

Here is my story:

I have been married for 10 years, my husband and I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter. He works for our local power company and his job requires a lot of time out of town and late nights. I have never been a jealous person, nor been concerned that he would ever cheat on me. He just wasn't that type.

In February he took a storm trip, he was gone for about a week. This trip was different. He didn't call me much, he didn't keep me updated, and on Valentines day, I simply got a text that stated "Happy Anniversary, love you!" no phone call, nothing. My mind, for once in my marriage started to wander. He'd never treated me this way. So, when he returned home, after the curiosity got he best of me, I logged on to our cell phone account online and saw where he had been talking to someone from a long distance number (Still in the same state). There were 96 pages of this number listed, text messages, photo messages and phone calls, the text messages started on the 2nd (before he left) the rest started when he left for out of town. I confronted him about this. He told me that it was a male coworker that was going through a divorce and just needed some advice. That just didn't sit well with me because this same coworker was with him on the storm trip, however the phone calls continued. He continued to deny it for a few days, then I finally got the nerve to search the #. As soon as I saw the name, I was sick! It was a coworker, but not a male coworker, it was a female coworker. I confronted him with what I'd found and more excuses came, she was cousins with the male coworkers wife and maybe he obtained the new phone contract under her name etc. etc. he even went as far as to tell me that she was married and had 2 children of her own, and 2 step children and asked me why in the world he'd be talking to her. I finally broke down and told him to stop lying to me! He admitted it all, everything. They'd been having an emotional affair for a few weeks, she'd been sending him nude photos of herself. I was literally sick, I was working that day, I told him I was gathering some things and going to stay with my mom. That evening we talked, he told me that he wasn't happy with me anymore, listed all kinds of things that he thought I did wrong all these years, and he eventually told me that she made him happy and that he knew he loved me, but didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. He refused to leave her. I gave him his space, and two weeks later he told me he wanted a divorce. Here it is June, I'm still crying almost daily, they are still together. I have primary custody of my daughter he sees her every other weekend. Calls me once in a while to try to make small talk. I begged for us to try to make things work for our daughter, looking back now, and after reading posts, I know I should have never done that, but I feel as though it's so very important to profess my love for him. That's all I've ever done is love him unconditionally. I have lost interest in EVERYTHING. I feel my life has no meaning without him. I guess I got way to comfortable with the idea that he'd never leave me, because he loved me. This woman was married as well, 2 children with her current husband and 2 step. I am only 30! Never in a million years did I think I'd be here! We've been together since we were teenagers! My daughter has already met this woman, and her children! This literally rips my heart out! How can he be so sure of his love for this woman!?!?!? Just this week, I made the statement that I'd never compare myself to her because I was better than that, He told me that I'd never come off the bench compared to her, that she is so much better! Who says such hurtful things?!?!?! I feel like I'll never recover. It's been 4 MONTHS, and I feel like I've gotten literally nowhere! Advice appreciated!!!

Much love!

What. The. ****.

He's a fool. He's a God **** fool.

**cough**

It's terrifying someone could be that stupid. Or arrogant. The moment you called him out on it, he should have admitted he was wrong. There was undoubtly an issue with your relationship, but he chose the wrong way to express it. And don't even compare yourself to that mangy dog. Any woman who gets in an affair with a married man has nothing to brag about and he's just trying to sound awesome when he knows he took a big dive into a pool of slime.

Hi all!! Well, in a couple weeks it will be 7 months since we separated. He is still with the GF, she is good to my daughter but I am seeing some questionable posts on social media about her saying she's the mother to "3" children, my daughter being one of them. I haven't mentioned be because I really feel like she's just doing it to frustrate me. I have since blocked her from all social media.

I'm not sure if it's to make you upset (even if that is a plus) so much as it is to make herself look better. You sound like a better mother when you say "I have 3 kids" instead of "I have 2 kids and sometimes a girl whose father I stole from his wife". **** her. She has no right to pretend to be your daughter's mother. That selfish bottom-feeder torpedoed your daughter's family and she thinks she has a right to even make that presumption?

Look, if you and your husband were separated for whatever reason and he got a GF/wife that your daughter was close to and the word mom started getting tossed around--fine. A girl can have room for two moms in her life. But that filthy skank helps your husband ruin your marriage, then encourages him to leave you, and she thinks she has a right to that? ****. Her. Don't play that game with her. And by don't play that game, I mean throw the chess board over.

Honestly, sometimes it's just best to be honest with children. That degenerate stole your husband, don't let her do this to your daughter. I think you should tell your daughter exactly what happened. Not the details (ie, sex), but the plain truth; that this woman took her daddy and ruined your marriage. Okay, probably not, but the sheer gull of that just enrages me.

I still have really bad days. I have a huge anxiety issue that has come about since all this happened, and it's hard to decipher what actually may be a health issue and what is just stress and anxiety taking a toll on my body. I have a hard time every other weekend when my daughter is away, even though she doesn't spend the night due to the GF living there. I don't know that I so much miss him anymore as much as I did. I still think constantly about who he is now, what's changed about him, if anything, why she is so much of a better fit for him. Why his family has welcomed her in with open arms and treats her like gold when they treated me much less than sub-par. What I could have done differently and if I failed my husband miserably the reason he cheated. I ALWAYS look for justifications and I guess it's because of all the crap he filled my head with after I found out about the emotional affair.

Family is almost always going to support family. Because they value the relationship with him more than they do you or very possibly your daughter. I feel that's a mistake, but there isn't much that can be done. If possible, you might want to see a therapist to try and work through those issues.

I just want to move on with my life. I've met no one, my social life has not grown at all, I work full time and take care of my child whom, by the way has just started kindergarten. I feel like I just need someone to talk to that understands me, or even a male companion that I can just hang out with, maybe that would help me self esteem? I don't know, I just get so angry that he appears so happy and like this was all for the better in his life, but here I am, still sad, and lonely and feeling like I am damaged goods. 7 months, and I feel like I haven't moved forward as much as I'd like. Just an update for you all. I think about this forum a lot!!

Okay, calm down. That's the first thing.

The second thing is, yes, given how your relationship fell apart, there were probably issues with your relationship. Part of it was probably your fault and part of it was his fault. I hear about this stuff a lot. Men are afraid of expressing dissatisfaction with their relationship, especially if it comes to sex. In part because when a man is rejected sex (for whatever reason), he takes it personally. That it's a rejection of him. This is a natural male insecurity. Your former husband was unhappy with your sex life and he was too insecure to talk to you about it. Perhaps one might argue that you were insensitive to his needs/desires, but that can only go so far. In the end, he should have talked to you, not have an affair with this woman. Worse still, after his mistake is exposed, he leaves you for her. I mean, for God's sake, that's when any man with half an ounce of sense gets on his hands and knees and begs you for forgiveness. He didn't.

The third thing is, him leaving you for her doesn't make you less of a person. And all those barbs and **** is just his way of hiding his insecurity. Their relationship is most likely based upon this; "No, no! You're not less of a man! She's less of a woman for not giving you the sex you want!" and I don't doubt it covers her own insecurities as well. By stealing your husband, she makes herself feel better. Because her only means of identifying herself as a useful person is sexually. She's the female equivalent to some windbag who thinks that if he's a better fighter than another man, that makes him a better man.

Fourth, don't take him back. Never take him back. He embarrassed you in front of your community, he betrayed your trust, he betrayed your love, and he betrayed your family. He didn't just leave you; he left his daughter for a cheap flame that will die in a few years when she gets bored and decides to steal another woman's husband. If you take him back, you are demeaning yourself and you'd be telling your daughter it's okay to demean herself. Because she will find out one day what he did. Maybe not when she's 10 or 15, but she will. And if you take him back, you'll look like a fool to your own daughter. And she may never respect you again.

I mean, it's one thing for a man to cheat, get caught, and beg you for an apology. Or a woman. People make mistakes, especially if they're mistakes that compound upon each other. But instead of admitting to his mistake and trying to fix it, he did...well, this. It's been seven months. You didn't lose him; he lost you and he's too stupid to realize it right now.

As for interaction, don't focus on a relationship right now, romantically. You're just going to rebound on the next guy you meet (most likely). It might take a year or so before you're ready to be in another relationship. Don't take that to mean you can't wet your beak though. There are plenty of guys, plenty of nice, young men who'd be happy to have a short-term relationship. I just think you need time to get perspective on things before you try for anything long term.

As for friends though, that's hard. The issue here is that you're going to have to give over so much time to your daughter as a single parent. It could be years before you're able to put aside that time. If even that. What this calls for is looking at your priorities. We all know your daughter comes first. But, it might be worth considering moving back in with your folks (I don't know if you have or not, sort of skipped to the front...short attention span and all) and cut back on work time to get yourself into a new hobby.

Now, that sounds bad. Everyone thinks you should work yourself to the bones if you have to, if you can, before dumping this on your parent's doorstep. But listen; this is a long-term investment. Working yourself to the bone only the sake of being "responsible" isn't responsible. It's just you covering for your insecurity--the fear of being irresponsible. That as a proper woman/adult, you need to forsake any sort of life for your daughter. That's not true and it'll turn you into a wreck. Your parents (I can't imagine, don't know your relationship with them) and your daughter don't want to see that. And it will make your daughter miserable when she eventually figures out that you gave up so much for her.

On the other hand, getting a hobby and setting aside time for yourself has many benefits. First off, it helps you relax. You need that. Your daughter needs you to be able to relax. And more importantly, it'll help you ease back into the point where you can start a new, long term relationship. And with a bit of luck, find a man whose secure enough and honest enough that he won't need to cheat with some floozy. Or at least know when to get on his hands and knees if he does.

Right now, ask yourself; what do you like to do or what might you be interested in trying? Something as simple as say, getting into anime will open up an entire world of people with similar interests. Or comic books. Hell; even foot ball. Go to an Applebees or a TGIF or a bar where you can sit with no loud noises or party kids and just enjoy a few drinks (responsibly) and watch football with other people who enjoy it! You'll meet new people, especially single and married guys who just want to sit and talk about football.

Good luck.

[jwert44]

That's really a sad story. But it is your choice to think about it still. Hope you can continue with your life as like before. You are still bless with your daughter.