[atskitty2]

I'm with Jen here. It's part of survival & being resilient. I don't mean to sound hard-hearted, but the reality is that, usually the people who remain entrenched in the grief & despair of losing someone, whether by death or break-up, are those who have diminished mental & emotional health - wounds they cannot heal & become whole again. It's healthy & normal to move on with our lives.
But I'm also not implying that everyone who chooses not to couple up again, after a great loss, has a hang up either - some genuinely choose not to be part of a couple again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Whom we are, we are and our mould is the same, we either strengthen it or weaken it.

It makes me wonder. The person who had that "sense of humor" at the beginning may very well be the exact same person today, only blinkers come with love and we see it differently, at, the, beginning.

Do you think that is possible?

Thought the same when I read your list

[calibri~]

Yes chandlers wish..that is fully possible. I am sorry to report that a week after asking my SO to consider couples counselling, he says has not had any time to think about it (I got nervous before I asked him, like when you ask a question in front of a crowd of people), and he became quite agitated that I bothered him with such a question (no doubt in his head I chose the most stressful day of the year and waited until he'd just relaxed before I asked him, and that I'm only asking to upset him).
<sigh>
I have yet another stupid story to tell too:
We were going out to the city for a performance I got tickets to see and before that I agreed we could go to secondhand cd stores for SO (yawns...) we were about to walk to the bus when a light drizzle started to fall...I grabbed an umbrella before I left but SO thought this was the perfect opportunity for a tantrum....he said he wasn't going out if it was raining, his trousers would get wet! And they are the ONLY pair of trousers he can wear, so if they got wet, he'd have to go home (and expect me to go with him). But, if we didn't leave soon then the time for cd shopping was getting shorter and he "had been waiting for me for over an hour" (erm...actually honey an hour ago you were still eating lunch..) so he was pushing for me to order and pay for a taxi

I attempted to approach the problem calmly and with logic.
1. It's not meant to rain...it's actually barely rained at all
2. We have an umbrella
3.surely he owns more than one pair of jeans that would substitute if an emergency occurred
4. What on earth will he do if it rains once we are already in the city?
5. Taxis are expensive

I decided to risk the walk to the bus stop and just suffer the consequences if my judgement call was incorrect. Thankfully I was right, we got there un rained upon, and I asked him quite seriously whether it was worth the tantrum before we left.

He still won't tell me what's wrong with his other 12 or so pairs of trousers....
this staying calm malarkey is hard work!! But it stops him from getting fired up so it's better in the short term at least

(apparently when a narcissist tries to push your buttons for a reaction, the best things can do is just not react)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

(apparently when a narcissist tries to push your buttons for a reaction, the best things can do is just not react)

I kind of applaud you for your mindset in all of this however, constantly walking on egg shells wondering when the next outburst is going to happen and for what reason. I remember that oh so well

It's good that you did that, it truly is, as he had "no" control over the situation, you did.

Sending you virtual hugs.

[calibri~]

To respond to effys question on the how you feel today thread....I love this guy because despite all the whingeing I do here, my SO is not always a total turdface, it's just that whenever social situations occur he gets particularly stressed.

So that the above makes some more sense, I'm a bit worried about a trip we will take tomorrow to visit a university friend of ours...SO is already getting wound up about...
everything....because he's stressed and tired ( he's gone bit mental because I left a medicine bottle on its side, left a cupboard door open and failed to notice that the cheese grater needed washing up...not to mention the fact he has worked a FULL week unlike me in a job that is tiring and stressful (unlike mine) etc.
I was looking forward to seeing this friend as he is super sociable, extroverted and fun...we usually get gothed up and go out drinking to some dingy club like we used to 10 years ago but SO says he doesn't want to go out because it's expensive and boring for and because he's too tired and its not fair that he can't drink because he's driving us home in the morning...such a party pooper.
I just want an excuse to dress up, get a little tipsy and have some fun being silly...I'll be sure to pack my least appropriate outfit...whatever SO says I'm too old to wear, fix up my makeup nicely and try to glean a bit of self confidence from my friend even if we only go to the pub for an orange juice
Going back to that city reminds me of how independent, forthright, laidback and sociable I used to be.

[effy2014]

You go girl.

[calibri~]

Back from a lovely evening of chatting and laughter. The morning before we left was pretty fraught...yknow blame stuff, stressing, yelling etc but I managed to stay calm in the face of extreme provocation and just pretended he wasn't having a toys-out-of-the-pram moment. Once we arrived he was absolutely fine...we had a really nice evening and morning together (though I got a headache [thanks progestin only pill] and so wasn't on the booze) we decided to go out for food then watch dreadful films until we fell asleep (its a tradition of ours....that and visiting sex shops....we had so much fun in Prague when we three went there!) SO was more thoughtful than usual. And actually smiled!!! He stayed up to 1am without complaining ( in fact I was the one who was falling asleep!). I did feel more confident in myself for some reason, which was nice. We had curry at night then burgers for lunch today followed by cupcakes and I am glad to say that no amount of stress over calories or hygiene ocurred (two fingers up to old problems there). Although I didn't get my much craved for dressing up and dancing we are planning this for a couple of months time

I really think it helps SO to have someone else there sometimes to pull faces when he says something out of order.

[Rob1]

I wouldn't be in a relationship that I was forced to do anything. I certainly wouldn't respect or stay in a relationship with a female that did something behind my back that was questionable either. Put yourself in his shoes. If you don't trust each other to be honest and open then there's not a worthy relationship anyway. It's playing games that creates problems anyway.

Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?

[jen1447]

Rob, have you read the whole thread, and are you familiar with calibri's situation in general?

[calibri~]

Some weeks have passed and I asked again about couples counselling...I got the same response: that he is too busy and stressed and tired to think about it.
I'm not quite sure what to do...I mean, how much thinking and tone does it take? Is he waiting for me to give up and drop the idea?
Cos I won't.