[Motorguy]

Jen I will reply in full some time soon I need time to ruminate.
I went to a course on bullying and harassment in the workplace, in which I learnt that the first step is to make the bully aware that their behaviour is NOT ok. So, at home, every time SO does something I find offensive, I tell him so. I tell him I'm offended, or hurt. If he continues despite this undeniable information then (rather than lodge a grievance with his mum) I will give him the options of stopping it, going to therapy, or breaking up. I'm not yet decided where I will draw the line but I am aware that out communication is so woeful that he may not be aware of how upset I am...

Well Calibri this conversation with SO should last for a total of 5 minutes tops it takes longer to brush your teeth then have this conversation.
1) You will not tell me who I can be friends with ever period this not negotiable period. In person or on face book.
2) If he has a problem with it then there's the door don't let it hit you where the good lord split you good bye.
3) That life does not rise and shine on his **** only.
4) I have feeling as well not just you only
5) i was not put on this earth to be your slave,cook,maid,or when ever you just want sex women.
6) Now if any of these rules you have problem with I will explain them more clearly if that will help you.
These are what you should be telling your SO. But you have to be firm direct after you finish you be sure he understand these rules.

What I am really having problems with and you can correct me. if i am wrong are you worry he will punch you or slap you if you get right now into his face about this thing about face book friends. Then I say you can not live or be around a guy who will do something like over really nothing period. Then get out of this relationship then.Get a TRO and have him remove from your house then.There many other good guys out there that don't batter there girl friends or wife's good luck what ever you decide with your SO to do.

[calibri~]

I did write a lengthy reply, then my phone crashed and it went into the ether.
grrr.

Claret. You are very wise, and what you say makes sense. I will try to tend to my own happiness, and if SO doens't fit into that picture then I will try and start taking measures to let him see how unhappy I am.

Jen. I really appreciate your support and flattery! You seem to be a formidable woman and I feel honoured that you have taken an interest in my situation. I don;t mean to go on depressing everyone about the fact that I am not making any big changes, but the thing is - I have belief and values systems that need to be put in order before I can actually pragmatically DO anything. My very sense of self has been questioned through the relationship problems that we have, being able to work through ideas and issues here allows me to try and separate what I feel and think about things from what i have been TOLD to think and feel. That is a very hard process, once you start to lose your grasp of your psyche and start to live as a shadow to someone else, it takes a long time to recover prom the process. I am not saying that my SO has done this to me on purpose, but I suppose it was a defense mechanism that I chose subconsciously, to avoid further conflict.

Thank you for clarifying that all those things you mentioned were bad - SO can worm his way out of any situation, and make it all my fault. Even now he refuses to apologise about the boobs comment. It is apparently my fault for not telling him I was hurt at the time and now he says it is too late...but isnt it ME who shoudl say if its too late or not?

jns, you are right. At the start of this thread I did not understand that men can be very insecure about such a situation, and I know that I 'incriminated' myself by going behind his back. I was a coward and should have stood up for myself. Those three rules are very good guidelines for any relationship - thanks for the reminder.

Chandlers wish - you have no idea how many times I have done quizes or looked at those kind of lists to try and ascertain whether I am in an abusing relationship or just being a drama queen. I tried filling out a fairly comprehensive questionnaire, that quite accurately described how I felt our relationship was, and asked SO to fill out the partners side, so that we could exchange results and see how each other was feeling, but he refused point blank. This made me very sad. The frightening thing is that the results suggested that not only was I being emotionally abused, but that I was starting to BE an amotional abuser in response too. That is just too horrific for words.

My partner:
◦Expect you to spend all of your time with him or to "check in" with and let him know where you are?
◦Act extremely jealous and/or possessive of you?
◦Isolate you by controlling where you go, who you see and talk to, what you wear?
◦Treat you with disrespect and put you down?
◦Put down your friends and family, your dreams, ideas and/or goals?
◦Lose his temper frequently over little things?
◦Make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace?
◦Play mind games or make you feel guilty?
◦Refuse to take responsibility for his actions? Blame you, drugs or alcohol, his boss, parents, etc. for his behavior?
he displays:
Jealousy
Controlling behaviour
Unrealistic expectations (to me...)
Isolation
Blames others for problems
Blames others for feelings
Hypersensitivity
Verbal abuse

I guess that lot doesnt sound all that healthy does it guys....

Aw Motorguy, you sound so defensive of me - I am not afraid of him being physically violent, but rather that he will emotionally attack me. If he ever hits me then there will be no conversations that could convince me to let him stay. Im not really a kind of in-your-face girl, and confrontation is a bit overwhelming for me, so i prefer to be diplomatic and calm about things. SO gets so mad when I talk back to him and argue that I fear he will have a heart attack or something - its proper full-on rage.

[lollygag]

Being friends with an ex isn't always easy, especially if one of you got hurt in the breakup. Its hard to keep old feelings from coming up, but at the same time you don't want to lose someone who was essentially your best friend. You both have to be ok with being friends, and may even need to set boundries and rules. Its a case by case kind of thing, it all dépends on how you two can interact with one another.

[Claret]

bsand94, the intent of this thread wasn't that the original poster couldn't personally be friends with the ex, but rather that her current SO forced her to un-friend an old boyfriend and the problems that it has created in their relationship. This was the original intent of this thread, but other circumstances have since arisen that has caused all this discussion.

[jen1447]

Jen. I really appreciate your support and flattery! You seem to be a formidable woman and I feel honoured that you have taken an interest in my situation. I don;t mean to go on depressing everyone about the fact that I am not making any big changes, but the thing is - I have belief and values systems that need to be put in order before I can actually pragmatically DO anything. My very sense of self has been questioned through the relationship problems that we have, being able to work through ideas and issues here allows me to try and separate what I feel and think about things from what i have been TOLD to think and feel. That is a very hard process, once you start to lose your grasp of your psyche and start to live as a shadow to someone else, it takes a long time to recover prom the process. I am not saying that my SO has done this to me on purpose, but I suppose it was a defense mechanism that I chose subconsciously, to avoid further conflict.

Thank you for clarifying that all those things you mentioned were bad - SO can worm his way out of any situation, and make it all my fault. Even now he refuses to apologise about the boobs comment. It is apparently my fault for not telling him I was hurt at the time and now he says it is too late...but isnt it ME who shoudl say if its too late or not?

If he says something offensive, there's no statute of limitations and you have no duty to inform him on his schedule or risk having the offense expire lol, no. That's a copout, and it's typical of his tried and true blame shifting.

For the record, I do understand the process you're going thru (or the principles behind it anyway). Also, it's not the fact that you're sharing your troubles that's depressing to me, it was the apparent lack of progress - tho now I get where you're coming from since you've explained that you are working on it.

Anyway my offer still stands - if you need someone to deliver his butt-kicking, I'll oblige very quickly and harshly, and he will 'get it' by the time I'm finished with him. Just let me know - at any time, no matter what. Hugs.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I did write a lengthy reply, then my phone crashed and it went into the ether.
grrr.

Claret. You are very wise, and what you say makes sense. I will try to tend to my own happiness, and if SO doens't fit into that picture then I will try and start taking measures to let him see how unhappy I am.

Jen. I really appreciate your support and flattery! You seem to be a formidable woman and I feel honoured that you have taken an interest in my situation. I don;t mean to go on depressing everyone about the fact that I am not making any big changes, but the thing is - I have belief and values systems that need to be put in order before I can actually pragmatically DO anything. My very sense of self has been questioned through the relationship problems that we have, being able to work through ideas and issues here allows me to try and separate what I feel and think about things from what i have been TOLD to think and feel. That is a very hard process, once you start to lose your grasp of your psyche and start to live as a shadow to someone else, it takes a long time to recover prom the process. I am not saying that my SO has done this to me on purpose, but I suppose it was a defense mechanism that I chose subconsciously, to avoid further conflict.

Thank you for clarifying that all those things you mentioned were bad - SO can worm his way out of any situation, and make it all my fault. Even now he refuses to apologise about the boobs comment. It is apparently my fault for not telling him I was hurt at the time and now he says it is too late...but isnt it ME who shoudl say if its too late or not?

jns, you are right. At the start of this thread I did not understand that men can be very insecure about such a situation, and I know that I 'incriminated' myself by going behind his back. I was a coward and should have stood up for myself. Those three rules are very good guidelines for any relationship - thanks for the reminder.

Chandlers wish - you have no idea how many times I have done quizes or looked at those kind of lists to try and ascertain whether I am in an abusing relationship or just being a drama queen. I tried filling out a fairly comprehensive questionnaire, that quite accurately described how I felt our relationship was, and asked SO to fill out the partners side, so that we could exchange results and see how each other was feeling, but he refused point blank. This made me very sad. The frightening thing is that the results suggested that not only was I being emotionally abused, but that I was starting to BE an amotional abuser in response too. That is just too horrific for words.

My partner:
◦Expect you to spend all of your time with him or to "check in" with and let him know where you are?
◦Act extremely jealous and/or possessive of you?
◦Isolate you by controlling where you go, who you see and talk to, what you wear?
◦Treat you with disrespect and put you down?
◦Put down your friends and family, your dreams, ideas and/or goals?
◦Lose his temper frequently over little things?
◦Make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace?
◦Play mind games or make you feel guilty?
◦Refuse to take responsibility for his actions? Blame you, drugs or alcohol, his boss, parents, etc. for his behavior?
he displays:
Jealousy
Controlling behaviour
Unrealistic expectations (to me...)
Isolation
Blames others for problems
Blames others for feelings
Hypersensitivity
Verbal abuse

I guess that lot doesnt sound all that healthy does it guys....

Aw Motorguy, you sound so defensive of me - I am not afraid of him being physically violent, but rather that he will emotionally attack me. If he ever hits me then there will be no conversations that could convince me to let him stay. Im not really a kind of in-your-face girl, and confrontation is a bit overwhelming for me, so i prefer to be diplomatic and calm about things. SO gets so mad when I talk back to him and argue that I fear he will have a heart attack or something - its proper full-on rage.

It doesn't matter if it doesn't sound healthy, it's not in your head or heart yet, it's words on paper that you are trying to analyse over and over.

You need to find that happy girl that once was. You need to re-visit her and remember what her goals and dreams were and what made her happy. You need to take baby steps and start being her, because trust me, once she comes back out again, this person you are will be questioned by you and you won't like her, won't want to be her anymore and you will start being who you were before you met this person. When that day comes, a light bulb will go off and all those words will become reality and you will feel them, instead of seeing them.

It starts now and it starts with you.

Why not share here who you were, what you wanted in life

[Chandy]

It's ok for me.. that ex became a part of your life and you've shared memories together. As long as the feeling is gone for both of you.

[jen1447]

Aw Motorguy, you sound so defensive of me - I am not afraid of him being physically violent, but rather that he will emotionally attack me. If he ever hits me then there will be no conversations that could convince me to let him stay. Im not really a kind of in-your-face girl, and confrontation is a bit overwhelming for me, so i prefer to be diplomatic and calm about things. SO gets so mad when I talk back to him and argue that I fear he will have a heart attack or something - its proper full-on rage.

Wanted to comment on this too ....I've known or talked to a few abused women who said that what they found most damaging in their relationships were their partners words. They said something to the effect that getting hit was kind of a one and done (at least until next time), but that hurtful words would linger and slowly eat away at many aspects of their identity, which is from what I gather the overt strategy of many abusers. They want their victims to lose sight of who they are and become brainwashed into thinking that their lives are only significant within the context of the presence of the abuser. (Sort of a weird Stockholm Syndrome I guess.) When you look at this sort of manipulation in that context, it takes on the quality of genuine evil. But abusers in their warped little psyches have a lot invested in their victims, and their approach can be pretty pragmatic to ensure they hang onto what's 'theirs.'

Anyway, just making a point that physical abuse may not be quite the breaking point you think it is, both in terms of severity of offense and the likelihood that you'll be empowered to walk if it happens after you've been brainwashed effectively.

[calibri~]

Chandlers Wish. hmm. It's not so simple.

I was not happy before I met this guy, I was in fact wracked with mental health problems and had no hopes for the future as I expected to drop dead at any given moment. I was depressed, anxious and starving myself, and had been that way for many years. I have not been 'myself' since I was about 15 when all the mental stuff kicked in. I don't have a strong sense of self to cling to and remember, and I spent very many years hating every little thing abut myself. Its more like starting from scratch because I never had a proper adolescence discovering and accepting who I was, I was just a child for an extra 15 years or so and its not until now that I have recovered from all of that hell that I can start thinking about the future etc. I really do not think that my SO understands this at all. He has never paid any attention to my problems (ie reading and learning about them and how best to cope and understand). So as I emerged from being so dead inside, I was told to be a cettain way by my closest and most trusted contact - my partner.

I am spending a few days with my family away from SO, so I will have a think about how I used to be and how I want things to be from now on.