[calibri~]

Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?

[calibri~]

I'm going to assume the answer is no its not ok.
But
What do I do now. SO is hurt and angry and I know from experience will not forgive me.

[Claret]

My reply would be it's OK. I have several friends on facebook that I correspond with regularly. One is someone that I dated as a young 16 yo girl, and it's also someone that I used to go to lunch with once a months prior to my husband and I moving to where we are now.

Just for the record, I was the girl he thought he was going to marry. Long ago in a land far far away.

Anyway, the other person is a man I had a serious affair with following the breakup of my marriage and prior to meeting my husband.

These people are my history. History is what has shaped my life. History taught me how to be who I am. My husband would never presume to delete part of my history just as I wouldn't delete any part of his.

That is what maturity brings to a relationship. That is what confidence, honesty and trust brings to a relationship.

The problem may lay with what your correspondence consists of rather than the fact that you are in contact with them. Are you talking about general things? Are you discussing your currently relationship? Do you mention him at all? Could you show your SO what transpires between you and your ex's?

I, myself, don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with old friends.

[calibri~]

Correspondence was infrequent and general...like jobs, how our family were, music, nothing about relationships (except congratulating on his kids birth) I have nothing to hide in those few messages.

[Claret]

Then, I'd suggest that you have a right to be in contact with whomever you wish as long as it in no way jeopardizes your relationship. Your SO needs to have more confidence in you. Deleting this person off of your friends list in no way gets him out of your past. The memories will still be there, he can't delete those. So what has he got to win by making you delete friends.

By the way, if anybody, anybody at all, tried to force me to do anything, he wouldn't be in my life unless he changed.

[Something_Awesome]

I guess it's OK, but at the same time your SO' concern is reasonable. I am totally not the jealous type but even I'd be a little concerned about the ex being a friend.

I do not feel that ending contact with someone removes the history/memories you had with that person; it closes that chapter is all.

[atskitty2]

I agree with claret and SA.
But...I think the fact that you did delete the friend at your husband's request, then added him again in secret, probably leaves your husband with a trust question.

Probably better to have had the discussion a few years ago and not to have done what you didn't want to do, rather than appease him, and later go behind his back.

[calibri~]

Thanks for replies. So although the being fb friends is OK the way I went about it is wrong. I accept that. Now I just have to ride out the stonewalling, swearing and accusations of betrayal that I deserve for this transgression.

What really worries me is....what if he finds out I have been seeing a relationship counsellor without him? Or writing things here? I thought it would be simpler if he didn't know and I just found out how to improve things...

I'm kinda scared guys, and I know it all my fault.

[atskitty2]

Scared of what exactly? Stonewalling, swearing, and?

Why have you not discussed your visits to a counselor?

[calibri~]

I didn't tell him because I know he wouldnt approve, and would try to stop me, but I was desperate and needed someone to talk to. I'm afraid of his reactions. I don't deal with guilt very well.