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is it OK to be fb friends with an ex?

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  • is it OK to be fb friends with an ex?

    Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?
    “...choose to believe in your own myth
    your own glamour
    your own spell
    a young woman who does this
    (even if she is just pretending)
    has everything....”
    ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

  • I'm going to assume the answer is no its not ok.
    But
    What do I do now. SO is hurt and angry and I know from experience will not forgive me.
    “...choose to believe in your own myth
    your own glamour
    your own spell
    a young woman who does this
    (even if she is just pretending)
    has everything....”
    ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

    Comment


    • My reply would be it's OK. I have several friends on facebook that I correspond with regularly. One is someone that I dated as a young 16 yo girl, and it's also someone that I used to go to lunch with once a months prior to my husband and I moving to where we are now.

      Just for the record, I was the girl he thought he was going to marry. Long ago in a land far far away.

      Anyway, the other person is a man I had a serious affair with following the breakup of my marriage and prior to meeting my husband.

      These people are my history. History is what has shaped my life. History taught me how to be who I am. My husband would never presume to delete part of my history just as I wouldn't delete any part of his.

      That is what maturity brings to a relationship. That is what confidence, honesty and trust brings to a relationship.

      The problem may lay with what your correspondence consists of rather than the fact that you are in contact with them. Are you talking about general things? Are you discussing your currently relationship? Do you mention him at all? Could you show your SO what transpires between you and your ex's?

      I, myself, don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch with old friends.
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

      Comment


      • Correspondence was infrequent and general...like jobs, how our family were, music, nothing about relationships (except congratulating on his kids birth) I have nothing to hide in those few messages.
        “...choose to believe in your own myth
        your own glamour
        your own spell
        a young woman who does this
        (even if she is just pretending)
        has everything....”
        ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

        Comment


        • Then, I'd suggest that you have a right to be in contact with whomever you wish as long as it in no way jeopardizes your relationship. Your SO needs to have more confidence in you. Deleting this person off of your friends list in no way gets him out of your past. The memories will still be there, he can't delete those. So what has he got to win by making you delete friends.

          By the way, if anybody, anybody at all, tried to force me to do anything, he wouldn't be in my life unless he changed.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

          Comment


          • I guess it's OK, but at the same time your SO' concern is reasonable. I am totally not the jealous type but even I'd be a little concerned about the ex being a friend.

            I do not feel that ending contact with someone removes the history/memories you had with that person; it closes that chapter is all.
            [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]

            Comment


            • I agree with claret and SA.
              But...I think the fact that you did delete the friend at your husband's request, then added him again in secret, probably leaves your husband with a trust question.

              Probably better to have had the discussion a few years ago and not to have done what you didn't want to do, rather than appease him, and later go behind his back.

              Comment


              • Thanks for replies. So although the being fb friends is OK the way I went about it is wrong. I accept that. Now I just have to ride out the stonewalling, swearing and accusations of betrayal that I deserve for this transgression.

                What really worries me is....what if he finds out I have been seeing a relationship counsellor without him? Or writing things here? I thought it would be simpler if he didn't know and I just found out how to improve things...

                I'm kinda scared guys, and I know it all my fault.
                “...choose to believe in your own myth
                your own glamour
                your own spell
                a young woman who does this
                (even if she is just pretending)
                has everything....”
                ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                Comment


                • Scared of what exactly? Stonewalling, swearing, and?

                  Why have you not discussed your visits to a counselor?

                  Comment


                  • I didn't tell him because I know he wouldnt approve, and would try to stop me, but I was desperate and needed someone to talk to. I'm afraid of his reactions. I don't deal with guilt very well.
                    “...choose to believe in your own myth
                    your own glamour
                    your own spell
                    a young woman who does this
                    (even if she is just pretending)
                    has everything....”
                    ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                    Comment


                    • No, you do not ride out the stonewalling, swearing and accusations of betrayal that I deserve for this transgression. What you do is have a civil talk with him, explain your position, tell him that although you understand his position that it doesn't change what you want (unless it does and you really want to change your position for you not for him). I would hardly call befriending someone on facebook as a betrayal. What was betrayed is that you said one thing and did another. To me this is what has to be worked on - you're either good for your word or you're not. Why have you been seeing a relationship counsellor? If it is to work on couples therapy - you're missing a key ingredient - Him.

                      Perhaps you need to work on your issues prior to trying to fix your and his problems. When you've sorted out what it is you want, what you will accept, what you need in a relationship you can then turn to him to see if he can provide that. If it's not there but is fixable, then go for couples counselling. If it's not there and can't be fixed, then you need to get out of the relationship so that you can meet someone else that will fulfill your needs and expectations.
                      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                      Comment


                      • Calibri:

                        Things are already on somewhat shaky grounds with the SO due to "sleeping war" as well as more assertiveness from you. His reaction, even overreaction, is not surprising as he is probably concerned over his place in the relationship . . . even innocent communication with an ex is very threatening.

                        The last paragraph you wrote is most troubling. He does not know that you are seeing a relationship counselor? You cannot fix this relationship alone. Your SO needs to be an integral part of the solution. This is NOT all your fault and probably not all his (though it seems that he is not a very good compromiser). He needs to know how important it is to you to fix this relationship or both of you will be unhappy for the long term.
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                        Comment


                        • The counselling was to get an impartial view about some things....I was starting to question my moral compass and sanity and needed to talk those things through and consider what it is I want. I will tell SO about my next (last) appointment as I feel too awful about the secret. I'll just have to accept the fallout.
                          I already tried the civil discussion, he doesn't want to talk, only shout. He says I must take responsibility for the upset I have caused.
                          If I ever keep something a secret from him, it's always because I think it is for the best and I'm afraid of his angry outbursts and temper...I know hiding things makes it worse (and I don't make a habit of It) but....he gets to mad if he thinks I've spoken to anyone about him or our relationship.
                          “...choose to believe in your own myth
                          your own glamour
                          your own spell
                          a young woman who does this
                          (even if she is just pretending)
                          has everything....”
                          ― Francesca Lia Block, How to (Un)cage a Girl

                          Comment


                          • calibri~,

                            You have received some good advice here. I also see nothing wrong with an ex as a friend, on fb or otherwise, so long as it's patently clear that the contact is limited and just to get the occasional bit of news about the life of the ex. I happen not to have kept any exs (exes? Not sure of the plural of "ex") in my life, nor has my wife, but I do not see it as something about which there should be an absolute prohibition. I tend to see it along the lines of how schools teach kids about "good touching" and "bad touching". There's "good contact" and "bad contact" and there's a bright line between the two.

                            As for the relationship counselor, I agree with effy, at least in part. I'll accept that there may be times when it is appropriate to see a counselor on your own, without the SO knowing. An example of when that might be appropriate is where you know for sure that any suggestion of counseling, even to include you both, will be met with hostility. Sounds like that's what you face.

                            That brings me to what I see as your greatest problem. Your SO seems to have some significant anger management issues and it comes across that he very much needs counseling. On the one hand, you seem willing to acknowledge that you are not perfect, your judgment is not always the best, you have made mistakes, and you are determined to do better. That speaks well of you. But worrying is your reference to stonewalling, swearing, berating, etc. That speaks poorly of him. You should not have to endure that sort of petulant behavior. It resolves nothing and only serves to undermine the relationship. Without some impetus for behavior modification, it's unlikely to improve and likely to get worse, to your peril.

                            Others might have better insight than I, but I am not sure you should reveal your upcoming counseling session. The reaction you will trigger in your SO might be too poisonous. I might be inclined to go and to relate to the counselor all you have related here. Tell him or her about your SO's unwillingness to seek counseling together, his seething hostility over your "transgressions" and apparent need to punish you, at least verbally. The counselor might be able to provide some guidance about how to improve your lot; how to deal with him. You may have to conclude that life with this guy might not be a life of eternal bliss and it's time to pull the plug. You have already kept some counseling secret. One more session might best be kept in that category, under the rubric "In for a penny, in for a pound".
                            I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                            Comment


                            • You had an ex that you obviously cared about and still keep in touch with. If you split with your current SO, would you keep in touch with him? I not a huge fan of your SO, and I doubt he is wholly bad, but I think a lot of people are rooting for you to find someone else.
                              [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]

                              Comment

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