[effy2014]

Your recent post made me return to this thread and see how things were generally. I am so pleased that the hormonal fog has been lifted. While I doubt it was the cause of the problems, the lack of depression allows you more psychological maneuvering room in dealing with his issues. You took a very important step in your well being ... Bravo

[calibri~]

So in theory SO will be more loving towards me if he's getting regular orgasms facilitated by me? Well so far the evidence is lacking. On the fourth day of daily activities he got really angry and argumentative with me on an unrelated topic, upsetting me, then very soon after asked me to do sexual stuff for him. I did so, but am I crazy that I didnt quite feel like enthusiastically rewarding him that way? Maybe I've got into an unhealthy thought pattern where I think that sexual favours should be earned and not taken for granted. I feel bad if I say no just because I'm upset, because clearly hr still has needs...I'm confused.

Last night we had the neighbours over, had nice chats until one asked me if I'd tried a drink...I said I hadn't but would try as it sounded interesting, so SO chimes in saying that when he showed me that drink, I said it looked disgusting and woukd never drink it. I was being polite and didn't recollect that prior conversation. Later, it was mentioned that we both had to go to work in the morning, so SO says well ONE of us does...she'll probably be on bed until 11.
So neighbour makes some comment about not making too much noise before 9 to wake me up....I'm really offended. I might procrastinate before work but I'm up out of bed between 7;15 and 8 each day. Ugh. So now I'm inclined not to help him out in bed because I'm peeved. But I don't know if that's selfish of me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh dear sweet woman. SO may "tell you that" but he's just proven to be a lier. And you've noticed well done.

So he engages you in an argument, then wants stress relief.. It's your duty. Well no it's not and nor are you crazy for doing it, he has again made you feel that by doing so, things will be better, he's a manipulative ..I can't state. I don't think that sexual favours should be earned but nor do I think they should be taken for granted, in my opinion they should be done through "want" or understanding it's been a while, pleasing "each" other. He has "no" right what so ever to start an argument make you upset, then want a BJ. A real man, sees when he has upset someone and backs off. He does not request sexual favours when a person is down. He knows you are confused and will do it, this upsets me.

Keep to your thoughts, " it should not be taken for granted" the answer is "no". Whether he can comprehend or not and throw more words at you, take it in your stride. "You just upset me and now you want gratification? , No". He needs to see a stronger you to put the stop to this .

Ah. You are such a lovely woman I would do the same thing, be polite. You need to tell your SO in front of people, "I don't recall I probably did but that was then, this is now" you need to stand up and be you..

It is not selfish of you, it's selfish of him. Wanting something from you, when he knows he's upset you means he doesn't care of your feelings only his.

Something makes me think he thrives on the arguments as he can get you to do these things, making you feel it's your fault or it's what a woman should do, like he creates it deliberately for his benefit.

What could he further do to you by you refusing to do it? Nothing, absolutely nothing only he won't get his way finally and you will have dignity of being your true self.

[effy2014]

So in theory SO will be more loving towards me if he's getting regular orgasms facilitated by me? Well so far the evidence is lacking. ********Maybe I've got into an unhealthy thought pattern where I think that sexual favours should be earned and not taken for granted. I feel bad if I say no just because I'm upset, because clearly hr still has needs...I'm confused.

****************

So now I'm inclined not to help him out in bed because I'm peeved. But I don't know if that's selfish of me.

While I don't think intimacy needs to be "earned", per se, it is a loving behavior and should be enthusiastically done. If you are fighting with your SO, the fight/issue needs to be resolved (which, for him, probably means an apology) before you feel loving and enthusiastic. I, for one, would never want to be "serviced" out of some duty, especially when there is no love behind it.

As for the insults in front of the neighbors, it is certainly one of my pet peeves when one partner feels the need to denigrate the other in public. I can't yet figure out if your SO just lacks the appropriate social skills or maturity or if he is mean spirited out of an inferiority complex. It does take some guts to insult your SO and the expect her to be sexual; he has previously insulted you with that line of crap (bedroom wars) and he knows that you are sensitive to it. Sigh.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My ex would do this. He'd make it look like I was always doing things against him, blew my mind because I had no idea what he was on about. Turns out when I finally left, not one of his family or friends even called me to see if I was ok, after 7 something years.

Turns out, they all were led to believe, I created havoc constantly in his life, going against things in front of other people just like this situation when actually it was the other way around.

It's about saving face for the future. In my opinion.

[calibri~]

Lost reply one. Try again.
Thank for replies. I agree it shouldnt be exactly earned but I can't quivering ths right words.

We argued lasy night and I stood up for myself
..this made for a long argument that eventually turned into a discussion as SO ran out of steam.
During this time I have been 95% convinced that everything is my fault. There is something deeply wrong with me. I am desperately selfish and unyielding I am making things up and believe things that are not true with respect to my SO. Frankly I'm scared. If I'm that far gone then I really need help.

[effy2014]

While I highly doubt that anything close to 50% is your fault, it would help if you told us what your SO said when he wasn't yelling at you. I think it is important for your sanity check.

He has a way of getting into your brain and making you believe that he is right. In virtually every argument that you have described on this board, he is the one who is selfish and unyielding. That said, I am sure that you know how to push his buttons just as he does to yours. Let us help.

[calibri~]

Ok let me try to remember.
I usually just block out negative experiences.
SO told me the following:
-He has been nothing but supportive towards me through everything
-I treat him terribly and upset him a lot
-He is extremely sensitive
-I only think about myself
-I am constantly on the lookout for an argument
-I won't change or make any compromises for him
- he is very lonely because of me
-it's not fair that he works earlier and longer hours than me and still has to cook two meals
-It's not right that we don't have meals together
-He thinks I'm embarrassed to be seen with him
-I often think I have said or done things that I have not and vice versa
-I make SO out to be a demon but he's actually a really supportive and nice guy who puts up with a lot and he is really upset and offended when I accuse him of manipulation or sabotage etc
-he hates living in an apartment
-He feels like a taxi driver and skivvy
-I have stopped him from having a holiday this year
-It's not normal that I want to go on a work overseas trip alone, rather than take him with me
-I have repeatedly stopped us going out for dinner etc
-I fail to communicate with him
-I have no reason or evidence to have any concerns about violence, in fact he remembers multiple occasions where I smashed bottles of alcohol in anger (I don't remember)
-If I start asking therapy type questions he refuses to answer because of the tone of voice I use.
-I should want to get home early to spend more time with him
-I make up excuses for everything
-I have failed to support him when he needs it most
-He's tired and stressed
-I have no right to go on about how I need a holiday due to chronic tension headaches because he works harder and is more stressed than me
-I have made our relationship more like two housemates than a couple

<sigh>
I'm exhausted just writing that.

[effy2014]

The two of you seem so completely incompatible. He doesn't seem to understand you at all. Based upon what you have written before:

1. How Hard He Works: Your SO does not understand how academics works and that you put in a lot of effort . . . as much as he does. To him, unless there is significant physical labor or driving, you are a slacker. I find the contradiction between you not working hard and yet not being able to leave work early to be with him pretty interesting. This one is not your fault.

2. Where You Live: The two of you live in your flat. Yes, it is closer to where you work and farther from his. He dislikes the drive. That makes life difficult, but that is not your fault. I think it is rational for you not to sell your flat and buy one with him until your relationship improves.

3. Compromise: Unless you have lied to us, you have attempted to compromise on numerous occasions. He has a personality that convinces him that he is always right. Therefore, he should never have to compromise. If there are specific examples where he thinks you should have compromised, it will be helpful to tell us. Otherwise, this is not your fault.

4. Meals: I get this one. My SO and I disagree on this because she hates eating programmed meals (ie lunch time and dinner time). She either nibbles all day and is not hungry or just doesn't eat. I like to eat on a schedule. Meal time is good couple time to talk about the day. Why no meal time? Why no "out to dinner"?

5. You are difficult: He has picked a very educated and independent woman. You have also been living under the hormonal fog of BC pills. Of course you are difficult. So what. So is he. You at least attempt communication with him, tone or not.

Frankly, it's him. You need to consider how much more you can compromise to mollify his very sensitive personality.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He is extremely sensitive
he is very lonely because of me
it's not fair that he works earlier and longer hours than me and still has to cook two meals
He thinks I'm embarrassed to be seen with him
he hates living in an apartment
He feels like a taxi driver and skivvy
It's not normal that I want to go on a work overseas trip alone, rather than take him with me
I fail to communicate with him
If I start asking therapy type questions he refuses to answer because of the tone of voice I use.
He's tired and stressed
I have no right to go on about how I need a holiday due to chronic tension headaches because he works harder and is more stressed than me

I'm glad Effy asked you to write all of that. I'd be exhausted as well.

Have a real, read and I mean a real read of the ones that I highlighted of what you wrote.

And, tell me. How on Earth can any of that be your fault? These are "his" issues, 100% that he is trying to put the blame onto you for.

Can it possibly be your fault that he is sensitive? No.
Can it possibly be your fault that he suffers from stress? No.
Can it possibly be your fault that he "thinks" he works harder than you? No.
Or in "his" mind, you make him lonely?

He is sensitive, he gets stress, he is lonely, he thinks he works harder than you, he can't fathom giving at all, as a result he feels like a taxi.

He would rather it be ME,ME,ME,.

Especially the last line. Where he is making a statement. It doesn't matter what you go through, he goes through more. He works harder so is more stressed so if anyone should get headaches it's him.

He's not thinking at all about you any way through that, the whole situation with him, is thinking of himself and then blaming everything around his life, in his life, including you.

The bottom line is "he" is not coping with his life. He is sensitive, lonely, hates his job, gets stressed, hates doing anything for anyone, hates driving, hates coming home, hates.

All along we've all said it's the blame game.

And, I guess. When you re-read all of that again, you'd have to ask yourself, how you have coped with such a mess of a person, who puts all the negatives as that is the life that he leads, out there daily, on-going. And, ask yourself truly, "no wonder you feel down all the time".

There was not one line where it wasn't about him.
There was not one line where he praised you.