[DreamP346]

I was talking to my therapist saying I didn't want to nag when she told me, "asking to have your needs met especially when you have already asked before is not nagging." So this got me to thinking, what is nagging?

How do you define nagging?

Do you or your partner nag?

Does it accomplish the designed result, ie, the asked for action gets done?

When your partner nags at you, do you just tune it out or do you agree he/she has a good reason to nag?

[Stillness]

I was talking to my therapist saying I didn't want to nag when she told me, "asking to have your needs met especially when you have already asked before is not nagging." So this got me to thinking, what is nagging?

How do you define nagging?

Do you or your partner nag?

Does it accomplish the designed result, ie, the asked for action gets done?

When your partner nags at you, do you just tune it out or do you agree he/she has a good reason to nag?

I agree with your therapist that asking repeatedly is not necessarily nagging, but it can be. Repetition and reminders are good because they can help someone remember or stress the importance of something you want or need. Where it crosses over is where the person starts to become irritated and clearly does not agree with you. You're not trying to persuade or remind, but to impose your will on another person by wearing them down.

We don't do that to each other. We pretty much agree on everything. You know about my bedroom issues. She's had issues with me too, like getting household repairs done or getting the taxes done early. The thing is that we've agreed on that stuff, but what's important to each of us differs. From time to time reminders or gentle nudges may be needed. What would make it nagging is if someone is saying "no," but the other person keeps pushing. I think that makes for resentment and bad relations.

It's a little different with us because I lead. So my word is law. But in reality, I can't make her do anything. And I want us to be unified. So when something is important to me, I try to get agreement and take action. For example, I've become very particular about cleanliness and orderliness, especially in the more public areas of our house. She agrees that it's important, but doesn't care as much. I don't boss her around. I clean up myself. Sometimes something she left of the kitchen table may get moved somewhere she doesn't want or I'll pick it up right after she puts it down. It sends a message and sets the example for what I require. But the fact is that I do most of the cleaning because I want it more. I'd rather work harder than be a nag.

[Magnetism]

I have heard that asking repeatedly is nagging. But, I think it depends on the tone. If someone is irritating and yelling, I would call that nagging.

If someone asks nicely, I don't call it nagging.

[effy2014]

I like Stillness' modification of the therapist's statement. I do agree that we all have the right to ask for our needs to be met in a relationship . . . Even to the point of repeating yourself. If it is clear that your partner has no intention of meeting those needs, then the constant repetition makes no sense other than to "nag" to get your way. Tone does make a difference but tone is probably a reflection of the belief that no one is actually listening. The only way to get through is a good relationship conversation.

The definition of a nag is attempting to get your kids to do a chore on your schedule. After the first request, it is pretty clear that the child has no interest in doing the chore. The reason to nag is certainly to impose your will.

It's funny, when I first met my SO, she always insisted that things be done on her timetable. It sounded like a nag, but while we were still in the honeymoon phase, we sat down and I tried to understand what was going on. She has OCD and the things that have to be done are on a mental list that keep playing in her mind. There is a real need to have things get off the list. It made my mother's demands on me as a child make perfect sense. Now, I will either do those things when they pop up or have a specific time when I will get them done. It truly eliminates conflict.

[sam00]

Passed by this and thought i'd drop a line:
(KJV) Prov. 27.15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

[Stillness]

Passed by this and thought i'd drop a line:
(KJV) Prov. 27.15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

Appropriately, my Bible has a footnote with an altrnate rendering on "contentious" that says "nagging." When I was growing up, this was one of my favorites to tease my mother with, second to Proverbs 21:9:

"Better to dwell on a corner of the roof than in the same house with a quarrelsome wife."

I hadn't thought about that in years. Maybe teasing so much about these subconsciously reinforced how negative a trait nagging is and that's why I'm so intent on not doing it.

[atskitty2]

It's a beautiful passage in my opinion. I remember it from premarital counseling so many years ago. It made an impression on me, and I understood the power of my words and attitude thru it. My husband never accused me of nagging. Conversely, I have often wondered, that my efforts not to be contentious caused me to be passive in my discontent, until it was too late. I thought I had communicated gently, but was I truly expressing myself? It's a fine line, and in my assessment it is a matter of perception for the nagger and the naggee !
I'm not religious now, but was at that time.

[Stillness]

That's an interesting point on perspective, Kitty. I don't really think of nagging as a relative thing, though. Maybe it is.

There is one issue that drives me up a wall with my wife and I just mentioned her a few hours ago. I struggle a great deal to bite my tongue. I've tried in various ways to stress how important it is to me and it's disturbing how she doesn't seem to get it. I didn't think about it when I posted at first, but I have wondered am I nagging.

[atskitty2]

I never thought so either still, and honestly I always thought the whole thing of nagging was a fad-sort of concept. When my marriage was healthy, I was very comfy offering a reminder or 2, or 3. And so was he. He and I, were receptive of all those, as we were just tag-teaming a task-it was said and accepted in that spirit.

In the latter stages, when we had moved into an unhealthy relationship, even a gentle question of follow up was perceived as intrusion. I don't know, but it's another component of communication that I think is individually defined.

[sam00]

It's a beautiful passage in my opinion. I remember it from premarital counseling so many years ago. It made an impression on me, and I understood the power of my words and attitude thru it. My husband never accused me of nagging. Conversely, I have often wondered, that my efforts not to be contentious caused me to be passive in my discontent, until it was too late. I thought I had communicated gently, but was I truly expressing myself? It's a fine line, and in my assessment it is a matter of perception for the nagger and the naggee !
I'm not religious now, but was at that time.

Newly wed, i vowed i would never nag my husband.. thru the years i realized somehow it was the kids i got to somehow, wc is not good at all=(! (Sometimes however, something was just meant as a reminder, but when someone gives a retort, it becomes something more. I think we can just cut it short if it wasn't so significant anyway.)