[DreamP346]

Day 1: "I have been doing tons of laundry. I really need you to help out. You need to fold the laundry"
Day 2: "I notice no laundry have been folded" and later "um, hello! laundry"
Day 3: "laundry laundry" and later "Can you please fold the laundry"
Day 4: a few pieces have been folded but the huge pile is still there. I've did more laundry so there is a bigger pile despite the fact I folded a few items.

Nagging or not?

[effy2014]

Day 1: "I have been doing tons of laundry. I really need you to help out. You need to fold the laundry"
Day 2: "I notice no laundry have been folded" and later "um, hello! laundry"
Day 3: "laundry laundry" and later "Can you please fold the laundry"
Day 4: a few pieces have been folded but the huge pile is still there. I've did more laundry so there is a bigger pile despite the fact I folded a few items.

Nagging or not?

Of course it is nagging. After Day 2, it was clear to you that husband/child (not sure who was on the other side of the conversation) had no intention of doing the chore. That is NOT to say that your request was wrong or that the chore should not have been accomplished in a timely fashion. After the repeated request, it was time to take a different tact. I personally like the "dump the unfolded laundry on the bed" (I've done that with the garbage when the boy couldn't get motivated to take it out). With an adult, I'd take the 10 minutes to explain why he or she is being a complete jerk.

Back in my miserably married days, I was the one who nagged my stay at home wife to actually pick up the house (I was already paying a cleaning service one a week to clean); then I shut up and took 45 minutes before bed to do it; then I got tired of working full time, cooking dinner every night (or bringing it home) and doing the cleaning (I already did the laundry) so I got a divorce. End of nagging.

[DreamP346]

Of course it is nagging. After Day 2, it was clear to you that husband/child (not sure who was on the other side of the conversation) had no intention of doing the chore. That is NOT to say that your request was wrong or that the chore should not have been accomplished in a timely fashion. After the repeated request, it was time to take a different tact. I personally like the "dump the unfolded laundry on the bed" (I've done that with the garbage when the boy couldn't get motivated to take it out). With an adult, I'd take the 10 minutes to explain why he or she is being a complete jerk.

I've done the dumping of the clothes on the bed. The problem is that I need to sleep in that same bed. Sometimes it works but sometimes he just picks up the laundry and puts it on the chair. So now there is this out of control load of clothes on the chair. At least before it was piled into a laundry basket. And it also makes we feel like a jerk doing that.

[Stillness]

Nagging.

sp, some of this could be cultural, but I think I've mentioned before that the way you relate to your husband seems a little abrasive to me. I don't think my wife and I have ever told each other, "You need to do X." Honestly, we're both sensitive emotionally, we know it, and so we are very careful with one another. But still, your actions seem to fit the definition.

[DreamP346]

Nagging.

sp, some of this could be cultural, but I think I've mentioned before that the way you relate to your husband seems a little abrasive to me. I don't think my wife and I have ever told each other, "You need to do X." Honestly, we're both sensitive emotionally, we know it, and so we are very careful with one another. But still, your actions seem to fit the definition.

No, it's not a cultural thing. The problem is nice hasn't gotten me any where so at this point, everything I say comes out snarky. When I ask for help with the laundry, part of me already knows it's not going to get done. When I asked last night, I really did ask nicely. I do a load of laundry EVERYDAY. I don't think it's unreasonable for my husband to fold the laundry after I washed it. I also fold and the kids do most of their own, so it's not all the laundry.

So this is what I meant when I told my therapist that I didn't want to nag. I usually just fold the laundry just to avoid nagging at him to help. Most time I just take care of the the kids, sheets and towels and my clothes and leave him to fold his own.

[effy2014]

I've done the dumping of the clothes on the bed. The problem is that I need to sleep in that same bed. Sometimes it works but sometimes he just picks up the laundry and puts it on the chair. So now there is this out of control load of clothes on the chair. At least before it was piled into a laundry basket. And it also makes we feel like a jerk doing that.

It should only make you feel like a jerk if the request was unreasonable. Frankly, ignoring you for 4 days is an incredibly hostile act for a partner. My supposition is that, by ignoring you, he eventually gets his way . . . you do the work. Me, I'd just do and fold my own laundry and have him fend for himself. But that would not promote family peace.

Is his excuse that he will get to it eventually or are his actions intended to send a message?

[Motorguy]

I would say not nagging Dream this is my opinion. Myself i do not see the laundry or cooking plus cleaning being the wife thing to do only. I never had this issue with the wife ever with the laundry. We tend to do it together or sometimes if I feeling well I will just do it myself only on our own clothes. My daughters have done there own for many years now. Knowing my wife and her personally she would be get your butt in here along with other explicit words as well. To help her out it's basically how she thinks if she can take time to do it I myself can too.

[Claret]

We enter into relationships, marriage, room-mates etc or whatever with certain expectations. You need to discuss those expectations with the other person and get their expectations/wants/needs itemized so that when problems arise you can revert back to these discussions. If you've never had one, you need to have one now.

Some people look at a marriage partnership in a purely traditional sense, they expect what their parents did. If the woman provided all the in-home services and the partner provided all the outdoor duties, then this is what this one person would probably expect.

What is nagging? If you've had the initial conversation and you have clearly explained your expectations and have agreed upon them and they aren't done and you must constantly ask your partner to do them until they are done, then that would, (IMO) constitute nagging.

If one partner has to continually state something along the lines of "how often have I asked you and asked you to please not leave XXX on the floor of the bathroom, but to put it in the hamper" on a daily basis - then this would be nagging. If asking for one partner to do something and they do not do it, or wait you out until you end of doing it yourself, then this would be unacceptable in my books.

[atskitty2]

Well, I think if that's really the way you worded things, and you placed quotes, so in my mind, it is how you said it, it does sound a bit harsh, but I have a feeling that's the overtones of many of the conversations with you two.
I think most people are not receptive to statements like, "You need to..." in that context. Your anger & resentment is steaming from the post even!

Even in my best times of marriage, I struggled w/getting my husband to do what we'd agreed. I washed, dried, folded or hung & he carried up the 2 flights of stairs & put away laundry. It would sometimes sit for a week or more until I was ready to do more laundry. It drove me crazy.
I tried nagging, tried talking to him about how angry it made me, and how frustrating to be looking for a certain item that I knew I'd washed 5 days ago...etc.

Finally, what worked for me was giving him some reason for it being important. I started saying things like, I need for you to carry the laundry up so that I can mop the laundry room floor tomorrow morning & rearrange the room, and I need all that out of my way... That gave him some reason, and a timeline for when it should be done. I had to get creative sometimes, but it worked for a long time.

I think your relationship has deteriorated so that it's difficult not to be frustrated, and rather than be able to address the real problems, they wind up coming through in things that really aren't all that important, like laundry.
Now, I'm not suggesting laundry isn't important. It's his disregard for you & the home/family that I'm getting at here.

[DreamP346]

The first day wasn't a demand. It was more of a plea. More on the lines of "I'm drowning. I really need your help." Day 2 and 3 were definitely dripping with sarcasm. I didn't say anything on day 4 or 5 and the laundry still hasn't been folded. I have done several loads since that load was done. I am waiting to see how long it will take. I hate to be petty, but today I took out his clothes and only did my and the kids laundry.