How do you know if you are in love?

[a_dub]

As a 34 yo guy, I'm not sure how you know if you are in love with someone. I know it sounds a bit strange or overly dramatic, but its true.

Now I did make the mistake of falling for a girl who didn't feel the same way twice several years ago. But even then, as I didn't really know either of them, could that really be classed as "love" vs an "infatuation". Then of course there is the philosophical point of whether love even exists at all.

Just a random thought that has been in my mind for a while now and figured this is the best place to seek answers.

[Claret]

I think most relationships start off with the infatuation stage. The relationships that survive surpass that honeymoon stage and continue on with something more substantial. This is the stage when you determine your ambitions, desires, and motivations are in sync. If not in sync then at least at the level which allows for continued growth in the relationship. A great relationships never has one person trying to convince the other that their way is the correct way, they allow for differences of opinion and respect the differences. I don't believe great relationships need to be tied at the hip. Each person should have outside interests and be able to freely come and go to that end. A good relationship wants more for the other person than you'd want for yourself and are there to calm each other in stormy times.

Is this love? - I'd like to think so for this is what my husband and I have had for 33 years now. All the above is said that the physical aspect of the relationship is still great even after all these years. There are times when I just can't wait for him to come home from work so we can spend the evening together.

[a_dub]

Thanks for the reply Claret.

[amy40]

wrote an answer but decided not to post it

like to see men's responses as think men and women are a lot different in their thinking about love and marriage

[a_dub]

wrote an answer but decided not to post it

like to see men's responses as think men and women are a lot different in their thinking about love and marriage

Well I'd love to hear your thoughts, Amy.

[Claret]

Amy40, why would you need to see men's replies? a_dub wasn't looking for the text book answer, I think he was wondering what made people realize that XXX was the person you wanted build a life with. What made you choose your husband or decide he was the one you wanted continue a relationship with?

I've been in love and more than once. At one point or another in the relationship something came up that I couldn't standby, watch, or agree with and it was a deal-breaker for me. In my opinion there are critical points that I couldn't go along with. At the time it hurt deeply, but as time went on I realized that for my sanity it was for the best.

[amy40]

Amy40, why would you need to see men's replies? a_dub wasn't looking for the text book answer

because adub is a man and I've been on this forum long enough to know that some men on here seem to have a much different approach or beliefs (than women) when it comes to love, marriage, sex

also know from going to a marriage retreat (men and women) and other retreats, men and women are just so vastly different when it comes to love and marriage

I'm so different than my husband re love
considering he asked me to marry him two mos after dating when I was not thinking marriage at that point, definitely think men have something different in their brains

after the years being married to husband......he says he knows what I'm thinking but I DO NOT know what he's thinking until I ask/clarify
I am so much more complicated and his answers are always so much simpler than I would guess

so if I were to describe love, I'd have pages and husband would have a sentence!

[amy40]

when we went on the marriage retreat, one exercise was to write a love letter to each other
I wrote a long letter detailing all the times and things I could think of that he made me feel special and loved as well as writing all his good qualities down

his letter was not at all like mine and I cried later after the retreat because I thought he really doesn't love me that much (after reading his letter)
but now, of course, I know he is much better at showing his love than putting it into words (but then I didn't know that/realize that)

[Stillness]

I'm not responding until I see Amy's response. Joking...

could that really be classed as "love" vs an "infatuation"

In my experience, being in love and infatuation are not so much different feelings as they are the same feeling with different intensity. Infatuation is the initial feelings of desire and attraction. It’s more potential than reality. It’s based on more shallow aspects of the person – smile, smell, body, etc. Once you get to know that person a little more it can quickly disappear.

Being in love is that feeling after it’s been intensified by passing through the fire of time and knowledge. It’s based on a deeper understanding and acquaintance with the person. The bond it causes is not as easily shaken as with simple infatuation. If you don’t know that you’re in love when you’re in a relationship, you’ll know it if you break up. It doesn’t just feel like loneliness, sadness, or missing the person. It feels like you’ve been split in two.

[a_dub]

because adub is a man and I've been on this forum long enough to know that some men on here seem to have a much different approach or beliefs (than women) when it comes to love, marriage, sex

also know from going to a marriage retreat (men and women) and other retreats, men and women are just so vastly different when it comes to love and marriage

I'm so different than my husband re love
considering he asked me to marry him two mos after dating when I was not thinking marriage at that point, definitely think men have something different in their brains

after the years being married to husband......he says he knows what I'm thinking but I DO NOT know what he's thinking until I ask/clarify
I am so much more complicated and his answers are always so much simpler than I would guess

so if I were to describe love, I'd have pages and husband would have a sentence!

i think men are just less verbose. You might be surprised but most men can also let out their feelings...they just dont do it often.

[atskitty2]

Maybe I'm cynical or hard hearted after all this time, but I don't necessarily think that we "fall in love". I believe that loving someone is a choice we make. I guess there's the initial butterflies and all that, but really loving and committed relationships that we call being in love, is something very different.

How do you know when you are in love? Because you decided to be so.

I'm wondering if feelings and all the emotional ties are even important.

[Stillness]

atskitty2 I think there's truth to what you say. There's choice involved, but some of it is out of your control. My wife and I did a lot of making up and breaking up when we were dating. I was torn between not wanting to be with her and some powerful feelings. The last time we broke up it hurt really badly. There was nothing I could do to stop that.

One of the most disgraceful displays of the power of love I've ever seen was when a very close family friend and an elder of my faith didn't attend the wedding of another close friend. I asked his wife where he was and she said, "You know how he is about her." But I didn't know. When I confronted him he told me that he couldn't bear to see her marry. They had gotten too close over the years and it turned into something more than a platonic friendship. Imagine how his wife and her groom must have felt. Imagine how strong his feelings were that he chose shaming their families over dealing with the pain seeing her marry would cause.

[amy40]

but I don't necessarily think that we "fall in love". I believe that loving someone is a choice we make.

I agree kitty

Believe love as defined in the Bible, patient and kind. Husband was patient, kind when we were dating and still is.
I chose to say yes to marrying him when he asked because saw that in him and because I liked him. Liking makes a big difference such as liked we were finishing off each other's sentences when dating, he respected my wishes, and we kept wanting to see each other even to the point of going out 19 days in a row at one stretch.

Love in the Bible, also mentions not keeping track of wrongs, about enduring all things, hope.
Not easy to always love since we're imperfect but then that's why we need to ask for forgiveness.

When our kid was little, going through tantrums as kids often do, it seemed one or the other of us would be stronger at the moment and that would be the person who took over, giving our child the "best" of us at any time.
And that to me is love....patient and kind.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I don't really know when you're in love: you just know. You care for them, you get worried if they seem upset. You want them in your life and to be a friend, too. Love isn't just passion: it's loyalty and friendship. Trust is also key. You would not be without them. That is how you know.

[amy40]

Infatuation is the initial feelings of desire and attraction. It’s more potential than reality. It’s based on more shallow aspects of the person – smile, smell, body, etc. i

felt that with a couple guys I went out with who were super attractive to me, said all the right things.