[Ashlee T.]

You've heard it...I've heard it, "Age ain't nothin but a number". But do you believe it?

I've sparked a relationship with a man 25 years my senior. I am 30, and mature beyond my years. He is....incredible. He is the truest form of a gentleman, loving, tender, and so very compassionate. This spark has not turned physical as we are just getting to know each other. But there is intense emotional connection. I am not fool enough to believe that there aren't big differences in our life experiences, etc. Nor is he.

I shared this with my mother...as she and I are very close and it's hard for me to "hide" something from her. And quite frankly, I don't believe I should have to at my age. I didn't tell her any details...just that he is interested in me and I in him. She did not react well to it. To say her reaction was unfavorable would be the understatement of the year. She doesn't know him but said some pretty hurtful things. And as a result, my feelings were very hurt.

As adults, we do not need parental approval in our life decisions...but it certainly FEELS better to have their blessing. At this point, I have a very upset mom whom I love and value very much......and then I have this wonderful man who I am interested in getting to know and spending some time with. And I just really don't know what to do.

Thoughts?

[jen1447]

You have to be true to yourself first and foremost, because if you're not, you can't be true to anyone else.

Whenever I run into a try/don't try scenario, I almost always try. Simple reason - if it doesn't work, oh well, you haven't lost anything. But if you don't try, you'll never know.

Go for it. Your mom will get over it.

[rcoreyus]

I think it depends on what you are looking for. I see no problem at all with adults of any age dating, hanging out together, having passionate sex, whatever they want. If their personalities are compatible its great.

On the other hand if you are looking for a permanent relationship you need to think very carefully: Years ago my wife and I were traveling through a national part in Canada. We stopped at a turnout to go for a hike, and there we ran into and chatted with a middle-aged woman sitting at a picnic table. She told us that she would love to go hiking as well, but that her 25-year older husband's health wasn't up to it. She was almost crying - she loved this man, but she was still young and happy, and he was now in the long decline at the end of life.

A 55year old can be healthy and active, a fine companion for a 30-year old. When you are 55 though and he is 80, things are very different. While there are exceptions, most 80 year olds simply are not in good enough shape go hiking, canoeing, late night dancing etc. You could find the otherwise very enjoyable years between 50 and 70 being spent caring for an elderly man as he decays from 70 to 95. His body and mind failing, Alzheimer's etc.

So, for short term fun - go for it. You and he may have a wonderful time together. But please think very carefully about getting into a long term committed relationship when there is such a large age difference. Old age isn't just a number, it can be a horrible decay. I've spent too much of my life in nursing homes with elderly parents - I can't imagine the horror if it had been an intimate lover rather than a parent that I was watching decay.

(sorry to be a wet blanket on this, it just triggered some very tragic memories).

[Ashlee T.]

Thank for that Jen. Made me smile.

RC - thank you also. Definitely not a "wet blanket" as what you're describing is reality. I think the thought any time you take the plunge with someone new is "what if I fall in love with them? Is this someone I could be with for the long haul?". Very legitimate concerns. I feel sorry for people like the lady you referred to. But mostly because I see so many women who get a man, marry and invest their entire personal life into their husband and neglect any outside relationships. Let's say her husband was her age, but hated hiking and outdoors stuff. What would she do? Ideally, she'd have friends of her own, people she shared common interests with so she could still do the things she enjoyed. On the other side of the spectrum, I have a friend in her early 50's with a husband in his 70's. She's a social bee, and he likes to lay home and watch TV most nights. He joins her on occasion but because she has nurtured her own social life throughout the years, she never misses out on an opportunity because he's not "up to it".

At this point, of course, I'm not thinking of marrying the man. I haven't even decided if marriage is something I'll ever really want, or babies. I know what I want to do. But I HATE having turmoil with my mom.

[jen1447]

Sorry to blather on about myself, but if you'll indulge me a minute, I have a personal account that can serve as a corollary.

I'm bisexual, and it took a fairly long time for my mom to come to terms with that. I have a firm position against misleading anyone that is close to me, and my mom and I are close, so when I figured out I liked women (in my late teens), I needed to share that with her just because ...I can't imagine hiding it.

To make a long story short, though it was a painful, bumpy ride, our relationship is now stronger because of it. I'm not a mother myself, but having had one all my life , I think it's pretty clear that they're biologically hardwired to try to keep you from harm - all harm - while a child is hardwired to gather new experiences and basically live life. Those two things don't agree with each other too well, so conflict is inevitable.

The thing is though, while you may be her child, you're not a child. I understand and respect the fact that age and experience count for a lot, but I firmly believe that this letting go on the part of the parent is a battle the child has to win, and a lesson the parent must learn. My mother now respects my independence and loves me for who I am, and I reassured her that despite this independence, I still love and value her. So in a weird way, you may have to 'break' your mom. I know that sounds terrible, but it's really a healthy thing. Once you establish those ground rules, you'll have a relationship as equals, based on respect.


As to what rcoreyus said on the risks of your situation, I totally agree. But another way to look at is this: would 20 years of happiness be worth the tradeoff, if it so happened that those were the cards life dealt you? I think avoiding the situation based on the possibility of things not ending up well down the line is hedging your bets, and if you do that in general in life, you'll often end up settling for less.

My suggestion is don't settle, Beautiful.


p.s. - I hate sounding like a guidance counselor lol ...I just have a lot to say about a lot of things. Sorry if that rubs anybody the wrong way.

[Element]

I've never ruled out age, but maturity is the major player. How two people can mesh together is the biggest trick in the world.

My mother's parents were 13 years apart, and loved each other dearly. They had three children together, and after he died, she never remarried by her own choice. That has always said a heck of a lot to me and helped to form my views as I grew up with knowledge of that story.

My man and I are 6 years apart and sometimes that seems like a lot. Especially since he's a single father, his experience, knowledge and take on things sometimes is very much different than mine. But a lot of times differences is what keeps things exciting, they don't get mundane.

If your heart is in your relationship, then go for it. Don't wonder what could of been. Don't let him become a question mark to you. And even if you two don't last forever, he can be a turning point in your life, you can learn and experience quite a bit. If your mother loves you, she can agree to disagree and treat you with the respect you have earned.

[Ashlee T.]

I hate sounding like a guidance counselor lol ...I just have a lot to say about a lot of things. Sorry if that rubs anybody the wrong way.

THANK you for sharing your story. It rings true in my mind...or hits close to home. I was just using my friend as an example last night when discussing with my mom. My friend is bisexual. She moved 3000 miles away, partly because of a job, but partly because she knew she'd never be accepted by her family. Moving away allowed her to keep a good relationship with them, without them knowing about her sexuality. It's so sad that she must lie in order to keep the peace. Her family still doesn't know... but I know and my mom knows. So I reminded my mom that my friends family would feel even stronger against her choices than what she feels about me dating an older man....and she would think they were wrong for that (because she doesn't believe it's wrong to be gay). The point was...you don't think it's wrong to be gay, but many people feel VERY strongly against it. You DO think it's wrong to date a man this much older, but many people don't see a problem with it. We're all different in our perceptions of what is right and wrong for US.

Another good point is the "break" children have to make from their parents when they become adults. She and I have gone through that time and time again and she has gotten SO much better. Situations like this remind me that we're still not quite there yet...but I'm hoping she realizes that insulting me or making me feel terrible for my decisions will not enhance our relationship. If anything, it will damage it.

If your heart is in your relationship, then go for it. Don't wonder what could of been. Don't let him become a question mark to you. And even if you two don't last forever, he can be a turning point in your life, you can learn and experience quite a bit. If your mother loves you, she can agree to disagree and treat you with the respect you have earned

Thank you. I am hoping she can agree to disagree. I spoke with her during lunch today...and we spoke as usual as if this had never happened. I'd LIKE to think that means she's come to terms with it. BUT...I know her...and what I anticipate is that she's thinking perhaps it will "blow over" and that I will decide not to see this man. She's thinking that perhaps her words to me last night "got through". When she realizes that's not the case, she will get upset again and we will fight.

[DreamP346]

Age is both a number as well as a subjective indicator of youthfulness. The number itself doesn't matter, it's usually what we associate with that number that matters. Most of us probably think this guys already has kids and doesn't want to start a family. However, he may just be getting to that stage in life. Health and activity wise, you could find somebody young who is in a lot worse shape with more health issues. It's relative. Don't go by the age alone. Look at everything else: maturity to match yours (you don't want someones who is a lot more mature than you), wants the same things in life (marriage, kids, family), sexual appetite (most men's sexual prowess decreased with age whereas for women, it often spikes at 30-40), sense of adventure (with age, we tend to take less risks, we want more stability. The younger person may want to explore more), etc.

My hubby is 16 years older than me. There are definitely issue related to our age difference that is becoming a problem. Things that weren't an issue 10 years ago now are becoming big issues. At the same time, others are narrowing and the age difference is becoming less of a factor. It's all relative.

[Ashlee T.]

Thank you sp. I think you hit the nail on the head regarding compatibility. At 30, I have dated...and dated...and dated (I have my WH post history to prove it!! LOL!) and they have all been near to my age. Incompatibilities can certainly exist (and WILL exist) regardless of age.

Because of his profession (which I can't discuss here..) he lives a pretty exciting and active life full of traveling and events. Actually, his life is far more active than mine. I'm a very laid back gal...I like to get out and have a good time, but I'm a homebody and not out in search of thrill-seeking adventure. I have found that most of the men I date around my around MUST be doing something all the time. Sitting at home on a Friday evening alone is UNHEARD of for them..but not for me.

I wish to think that the next time this topic surfaces between mom and I that it will be in a more positive light... but I'm not going to hold my breath on that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

BD,

It's only natural for a Mother to worry about the "whys". She is more than likely thinking you are settling, just want love and is fearful you'll take it further and get hurt. Is she concerned of Grandkids, of what her friends would say, or of her daughter and her daughter's choices are her choices and so, she stands by her.

It's hard to say, old school, fear, or acting on what she would do.

Age is a number but in 20 years or so, you have to be prepared as well, at 50, when he's 75 and maybe that's the hurt she is trying to avoid for you...

A lot of men "my age" are searching for love, the love, the last one. That's a good thing. But, some also never learnt from their past or have a lot of baggage. Keep getting to know him, he may be right for you or maybe not