[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ask yourself this...

Were you happy before this happened?

I know there is no excuse, alchohol is not an excuse.. And, you have been very brave in all of this...

But, your asking your husband to continue to be wonderful every day so you don't have to think about it, he tries and then goes back to who he was, "your husband", the normal one, before this happened... It's a hard sentence for him to continue through with year after year.

Forgiveness, is the key... Like the old saying goes though, "you forgive but don't forget"... But, if you believe that he truly loves you, if you believe that you have a good life together and did before this, then this is an "issue" but by making it 100% an issue, you will never have what you had.

What I am saying, is it was stupid, it was a mistake, but if there was happiness in your relationship and love, then let it slide, because he's not with you for no reason.

If however, there really wasn't much there before this happened, you weren't laughing, communicating, being intimate with passion then are you only living with a "friend" and is that what you want?

Ask yourself.

CW

[sassie]

You know I thought we were happy before but looking back at things we were having trouble because we were not communicating. Back in June of this year we had a hard time and just when it seemed like we were getting things back on track is when this happened as it was just in the middle of August.

I do love him very much and would really love for things to work out for us especially as we have a long history and I don't want to feel that it was all just to let go of because of one stupid night but I just don't seem to know how to let it go. I have really been trying hard to forgive and forget and somedays I almost don't remember that it happened but like I said before there are a lot more days that I think of it and remember I told you the girl lived across the hall from me so it doesn't make my situation any easier. Now I was told the girl moved out but her whole family live there still and it's a reminder of her and what they did. I can't move right now but I don't know what to do for the time being on getting passed it and trying to forgive, I guess I am not as strong as I really thought I was.

We were seeing someone to help with this but over Christmas he decided to retire so now we don't have anyone and it's a stuggle to find another person to assist in this process.

If anyone has any ideas of how to make it just a little easier please I am willing to try.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know I thought we were happy before but looking back at things we were having trouble because we were not communicating. Back in June of this year we had a hard time

but over Christmas he decided to retire

Now's your chance then the pair of you to enjoy life, each other, like teenager's again.

Have you friends, or even yourself, experienced when things are really down, you feel like they are not going to change and so you find a form of comfort in maybe a glass or 3 of wine?

Something to make you feel better.......

How about you view this situation like that.

Things were not good, there was no communication, so therefore, there was no laughter, there was no intimacy, no love for a period of time..

Over, that time, you both felt depressed, down...

He found comfort in that bottle, the girl flirted ( I remember she was next door), and then he found more comfort.

He lost his way...

I am again not excusing him, your asking how to you get over it, I am saying look at it from a different way.

And, after the event, he was sad, upset , mad at himself, told you, realised it is you he wants not any other girl, woman, you......

But, what he badly needed was to feel... And, he still does and so do you.............

See it as a way of growing together again, it is you who he wants, it is you who he is with and it is you who he loves and fall in love again all over with each other, now that he has retired, and spend the rest of your life laughing and in love....

It happened, but it never happened before and i doubt it will ever happen again...

Get past the fear of your not loved.
Get past the fear of he will do it again.

Ask him... What is it about me that you love..
What was it about me that you fell in love with.
What do you miss,

And, then ask yourself the same questions and move in that direction.

CW

[sassie]

Wow CW

Your words are very powerful when you put it straight out there. I understand what you are saying and I know what I want I just think my heart fully understands but my mind is playing games with my emotions.

I will for sure take your advice and try and start over but I guess I just have to get my mind to match up with my heart for the healing.

Thanks for your kind words they are comforting

[sassie]

Will things ever really change for the better

So since my last post I have tried to work on things with my husband and somedays it seems like they are great other days it's like nothing has changed. Things feel like they used to be before he cheated. I am starting to feel like my husband has had his cake and eats it too right in front of me rubbing it in. I work, take care of the kids, cook, clean and take him and pick him up from work every week. The only difference now then before is my heart is broken from what he did. I really thought getting passed what he did was the hard part but now I am not so sure.

The only difference in our relationship now vs then was that now he has gotten his own way. He got to cheat, he got to feel sorry and now he has got the loving wife he still puts up with everything he chooses to do. I hate the way he talks to me when we go out in public when I say something he doesn't like, I hate the swearing and I hate that I have to tell him to do things around the house like he is another one of my children.

I just want a husband who loves me and acts like a husband not my 5th child. I can't do it forever, I need someone who is all grown up and willing to pick up from where I leave off.
Will this ever happen I don't know but if it doesn't change soon I am through I can only take things for so long, I am frustrated and don't know how else to deal with it.

Any words of advise would be great right now.

Thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I hate the way he talks to me when we go out in public when I say something he doesn't like, I hate the swearing and I hate that I have to tell him to do things around the house like he is another one of my children.

So the cheating was actually, the icing on the cake that actually started to melt, and the cake, piece by piece put back together solves the puzzle.

No one should put another person down, especially in front of the children or friends, it's degrading.

Yelling matches, alot of frustration, anger, even possible dislike....

Non helping around the house, goodness, I if there was a way to get all men to see equality or even 25/75 all woman would feel like singing around the house, haha.. Don't know how to change that one... Had the same problem. Mine was 1/99 ...

Is this pattern happening now, after the affair or was it happening before the affair, not the non help with housework, but the putting you down in public and screaming / yelling....

If it has been all the way through, then he needs anger management and needs to learn a bit of respect.

If, it's pretty much only started after the affair it's probably "reaction" to your "actions" over the whole thing and so, I go back to my previous post to you...

CW

[sassie]

Well it's not that he puts me down really but more like I feel that way, just his reactions sometimes when we do things. Like the other day we were in the bank and I asked him to speak to the teller about getting a new card as his is not working well seems simple right wrong. He didn't have his ID with him so the lady at the bank said to come back later so I turned around after I was done doing the banking I needed to do, I said did you ask if you could just call in to fix the problem or do you have to actually come back in. His response was well why could you ......... tell me to ask that to begin with, in a loud enough voice that everyone in the bank could hear. I felt like as everyone started looking at me like I was stupied for being with a man like him. Really there was no reason for him to jump at me like that it should be something he should have known to ask the teller to begin with but again I have to tell him everything to do.

When it comes to things around the house well before he didn't help really at all and after the affair we sat down and talked and I said to him if you feel that I am always .......... at you then help out and I will not have a reason to, so he started helping. I hav really only asked for him to do a few things on a regular basis and at first he did it withou me having to tell him but now a few weeks again has passed since I spoke to him about it for the 101th time and again he doesn't do it unless I ask. Now to be honest the only things I want him to do without me tell him are simple or correct me if I am wrong. Take the laundry baskets upstairs so I can put the clothes away, unload the diswasher and take out the garbage so do you think I am asking much or not.

What's your thoughts it's the same as before nothing seems to have changed.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds like he got embarrased, and then blammed you because he didn't think for himself that perhaps he needed ID, neither did you, so it was no ones fault..

Does he have a short temper in general? Or just started?

I am asking this purely because, if he has just started over the last few months, it could be due to all the tension over what happened.

As, I say in lots of threads, I have no idea how to get a man to help around the house haha, if he feels that he doesn't have to, doesn't want to, they are small things that you ask, I mean seriously, I had to take the garbage out as well and I tried, nicely to discuss, and I worked he didn't so I can't answer that one.

5 months have gone by though now...

You have to know in your heart if you still love him and want to work through this or not.

CW

[sassie]

You know loving him isn't the question anymore. I know I love him as I have always loved him but I am only one person and I can only take so much. My thought is how much do I take because I love him. Does loving him mean that I should stay no matter what he says or does.

Yes my husband has always had a short temper in the sense of being jumpy but I don't know if with all his other little faults plus the affair if I can deal with both. It was one thing to deal with the faults he already had but now with the affair on top of it I just don't see how to deal with both now. I am one person and I am doing everything and at no point have I really had a chance to focus on me. Maybe that sounds like I am being a little selfish but in 14 years of the relationship it's been about me making him happy and taking care of the kids, work, the house. When do I get to be the center of attention so to speak. I am the one now who needs to have him to take care of me and worry about how I am feeling and helping me through this time when he let our love down.

They say in life that love is strong and I know my love for him has always been strong as you must notice I am trying to work through the hurt but will I have feel how strong his love is for me or will it be like this the rest of our lives. I will always be there for him and never feel that the love he says he has for me means not thinking of himself and focusing on my wants and needs.

I don't expect him to wake up one day and change everything but something has to change things are not going to get better if he is not willing to make any changes. I have talked to him about my flaws and I admit I am working on it, my biggest problem is when I get mad I yell and I have been doing really well even he has told me that. If I am trying for him how do I get him to try for me and why do I have to get him to try is the issue really why doesn't he try without me asking if he loves me so??

[sassie]

Well I have given him notice

So I finally sat down and thought about it and about what I really want in life and well it's to be happy so I sat down with my husband last night and gave him a choice.
I told him that he either has to get his act together and I indicated that the affair was the finishing touching to hurting our relationship and if he wanted to save the marriage he would have to make a life change for good. I told him that if he changes his ways just for a few weeks it will not work as I have had it now. I feel I am not able to heal from the affair as he is not changing so things are only going to get worse not better. I told my husband there will not be a next time we sit down and talk about this as we do every other month or so as the next time we will be through. I feel I have given chance after chance the last 5 months and I am not beginning to feel any better about what he has done so if he wants the marriage he has to change today.

Well my husband sat and listened to everything I had to say and well he basically said he knew that what he has been doing is just the quick fix idea so to speak and that once I seem happy he goes back to his old ways. So I asked him does he want this and he says he does so lets see what the next couple of weeks bring as I just want to be happy and be a good mom and with all the stress of the relationship I feel I have let myself down as a mother. Yes I take good care of my kids but I feel I don't sit and give them the extra time they need, like I said I have four boys and they need me more then anything and I am going to do my best and be the mom I was before this. I can't let my husband and the affair destroy me as a parent.

Starting today and forward I am starting to focus on what my kids need and me and if my husband wants this marriage then I guess I will have to wait until he shows me how important the kids and I are to him. The saying goes don't say I Love you show me you love me and thats all that matters now.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of advice I will keep you all posted on how things go.