[sassie]

Well the one thing is that I am not staying just for my kids. I love this man I have been with him for 14 years I don't think there is a way to just pick up and walk away do you. Believe me I am not taking this lightly in anyway I just don't know how in one night I am supposed to pick up and change everything because he didn't think before he did what he did. If things in life were that easy I would have done it the morning he told me. I am not happy about what he did and I guess the only thing I am grateful for is that he told me within hours of it happening or should I say once the hang over was gone and I didn't have to find out from someone else. When he told me I was in shock and exactly the things you said about him not loving me and caring for me and wanting to commit to me any longer are all the first things I thought of but what do you do when the person you love with all your heart and have children with and have 14 years with tells you something so horrible. If you have the answers then I am all ears as even to right now I don't really know what to do I am trying to take one day at a time as I don't want to wake up next week and think what the did I do why didn't I think before I reacted as that is what he did already and look what it did to me. Jumping the gun when your hurt and angry I don't think solves problems and I guess that is why I am taking it one day at a time. I would love to forgive my husband and forget this ever happened but I really don't know if or when this will ever happen. I remember I always said if my man cheated on me I would leave but until your in the shoes of someone like me you really don't know what your going to do and really I don't.

Things for us having been okay since this all happened and he is willing to try marriage counselling and so am I we actually already have an appointment but if it will help and work we will just have to see. I think I need to try for the sake of myself as if I don't try I know I will regret it as for my kids if I am not happy neither will they be happy so I think at this point taking the chance to see how things go are a start and thats all I can do is try if it doesn't work I can say I tried and move on and then I will not have regrets and if I leave I know it will be the right thing as I have put thought in to it not just did something out of anger.

[sassie]

Well just an update on what's been happening since I last made a post. The other day we had our first counselling appointment and I must say I think we were both on edge not knowing what the outcome would be. The good news is we are both happy we went and we are talking more because of it. When we went in to the office I at first thought it was going to be all about the doctor siding with my husband saying it's all my fault I wasn't there enough for him and blah, blah but actually he made a lot of sense. We talked about how things got to this point and my husband finally opened up to me not that I wanted to hear what he had to say but it needed to be said. He said that he has been pushing himself away from me for sometime now as he didn't realize all the times I was ing that it was actually for a reason the reason he just never cared to hear. When we were there it was the first time I think I really heard how my husband is feeling and what's been going on in his head and I finally felt like it wasn't all my fault. I know that relationships it takes two but if both people are not willing to listen to each other then it will never work.

So I guess the first step in healing from something terrible like this situation is that listening to each other really makes a difference and well I guess I am trying to hear him and his feelings and finally he seems to be listening to me. So we have homework for each other until our next appointment and it's just to talk to each other and get to know each other all over again, we need to fall in love all over again so to speak. I know I am willing to give it a try so I will see where it takes us.

Any words of wisdom feel free I could use all the encouragement.

Sassie

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Sassie,

I am a great believer of "try" before giving up.

I am also a big believer of "communication".

If on your first meeting to a councellor he was able to open up, you were able to listen and you both felt good after. In my "opinion" that's an excellent start.

If you both work at this who knows, you may actually be able to go back in time and work the marriage the way a good marriage should be, happy, strong, with love and friendship and communication.

Good luck, I think it's a great step and good for you.

CW

[sassie]

Thank You for the positive feedback!!

I hope your right this was the first step and hopefully in the right direction.

Sassie

[sassie]

What to do

So as you know my husband cheated on me almost two months ago now and I am going nuts as the girl he did it with is my next door neighbour who I used to see once a week or so in passing. Now I don't see the girl at all and my concern is that either she is staying away out of respect for me or could there be something else like shes pregnant. I don't know how to handle this but I am always on edge and I feel like I am going nuts as I can't stop thinking about it and my husband seems as though it's a thing of the past or maybe even forgotten about it. I tried to stop the girl on Monday as asked her if she would stop by my place for a second as I didn't want to ask her about being pregnant on the street and she said she would try and come by but she had to get home to her grandfather and that was the last I seen or heard from her. I just want to make sure she is not pregnant as if she is I already told my husband I am leaving him no matter how much I love him I can't handle another women having his child. I don't want this feeling to go on forever but I also don't want to forget about her until she comes to my door 3 months from now saying I am pregnant. Please help as I am falling apart as I don't have anyone to talk to as nobody I no even knows he cheated. I just need someone to tell me what to do.

[Guest]

not knowing everything (there's 2 sides to every story and then what really happened), it does sound like you are working yourself up and there may be no reason for it.

I didnt see anything in your first or subsequent posts to indicate that she was pregnant, other than you surmising that she must be since she didnt come to talk with you.

She's probably keeping away from you because she knows what she did and is ashamed of it. she could also be scared for her own safety, not knowing how you might interact with her in a non-public setting.

regardless, IMHO you shouldn't do anything rash. decisions made on incomplete information are rarely good ones.

there are a number of people on here who I am sure would be willing to chat with you here, or one on one via PM or email (I would) if you'd like to vent more in a less public setting.

[sassie]

Thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying that I might be over reacting about not seeing her and I do know that does make sense but I am really worried as they didn't use any type of pertection so it is a possibility that I know it could happen. My husband is telling me he really doesn't think this is possible as she did take the morning after pill but I have the worst type of luck with things that can hurt me as you already know with my posts so I don't want to over look anything at this point.

The funny thing is, is that right after I posted my last response I bumped into her with her mother by her side but I was a grown up and just said hello and went about my life even though it killed me not to say anything but I am trying to be the bigger person and not make the same mistake that her and my husband made not thinking before making a decision. I just want to know for sure that it's not possible I guess but I don't want to scare the young girl away by bugging her as then I may never know the truth but I don't know how and even if she does stop and talk to me, I really am not sure what I am going to say to her.

The thing is I am really hurt but a part of me thinks I can't even begin to understand how she will carry this on her shoulders for the rest of her life knowing what she did and how her actions ruinned another persons life she is still so young not even finished high school yet and when I seen her with her mother and seen the look in her eyes she looked exactly how you said she might feel. She look ashamed of herself and like someone carrying a lot of guilt and why I feel bad for her when I am hurting so bad I don't have a flipping clue I think that's why I am so confussed about the situation.

Why do I care when she hurt me?? How do I find out to try and move passed this?? What do I say when we do speak?? There is just so many little things in my day to day life that remind me of that night that I think the more things that I can take out of the picture from that night the better I am hoping things will be. Or at least the sooner I can try forgiving my husband and starting over is there really a way to do this??

Sassie

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your such a sweetie, cause you have concern there, why should you? Because your human and we do.. If we have a heart.

The fact is your husband did tell you.
He is doing councelling
and it's normal for a man not to have the same emotions as women, ie) he will put it under the carpet.

Pregnant, where did you come up with that idea? Your poor mind is going into over drive young lady.

I think that we have intuition for sure. It's like Women, suspecting an affair and start searching for it, and we all say noooooooooo don't snoop, you will come up with wild ideas, that don't exist.. Same thing.

I think you will find she is "totally, totally, totally" embarrased, doesn't want her Mother to find out, or Grandfather and is way steering clear, end of story.

You need to somehow get extra strength, as I said, Women are emotional, kill the emotions and start working towards the future, you have to get past this "past" ok.

It will churn at you..

Next time you see her alone, ask her you'll feel better, but in the meantime, don't dwell on something that is a "fear" because that is all it is, a fear of yours...

CW

[sassie]

Thanks for being here!! I guess it's like you said try and live my life that is what I am getting from everyone here I just wish it was as easy as it sounds. Why life has to be so hard to figure out is nuts and so frustrating.

I will talk to her if I see her I guess but I figure if I speak to all of you listening then at least I know I can vent when I am having a bad day.

Thanks again all
Sassie

[CHANDLERS WISH]

HAHA, Venting is sooooo good isn't it?

Remember, he was stup1d and made a mistake, read all the other threads, where their men cheated, when they cheated it was internet sites, and lengthy affairs...

Always see the postitives in-other-words in our negatives.

CW