[Guest]

Sassie,

do you really want to know all? every dirty detail about what happened and how?

would a "I'm sorry" be enough? Is that what you are looking for?

think long and hard before you ask her a question you may not really want to hear the answer to, or worse yet, not be able to live with once you hear it.

some questions are better off never answered....

and personally, her answers aren't important anyway. She's just the person that happened to be there. could have been anyone and their "reasons" aren't what matter.

Spend your time and effort talking with your husband about this, that's what's really important.

[sassie]

Honestly I want to know but really at heart I know it's best that I don't but I'm sorry would do me just fine. I think to hear her say that if she could take it back would mean something to me at least that way there is remorse for what she has done to my life and my family. I think in life when you make a mistake it's important to fix it if you can and with situations like this you can't fix it nor change it but to acknowledge that something was done wrong and you understand that it's important well at least to me it is.

I want to move past this and once I know she can show compassion for her part of the mistake then maybe it will help me move past it sooner then later. I also just want to confirm that it will be the last I hear from her regarding the situation meaning I don't want her to show up at my door a couple weeks from now saying there is a baby to worry about so really I think speaking to her will give me closer.

But thanks for the advice

[NLB]

Hang in there & need some advice...

Hi There,

I think you are doing a great job of hanging in there, working through your emotions, and taking things one day at a time. You are an inspiration.

When you first found out, how long did it take for the numbness to wear off and the emotions to kick in? My husband just returned from a fishing trip in Brazil today only to tell me that he and his buddies got really drunk one night, wound up at a strip club and while he has blanked/blacked out most of the evening, when he came to, he was in a room with a woman he had been speaking with at the bar; she was on top of him and they were having sex. He was extremely remorseful and sobbing; I know he regrets it and is scared I will leave him. I feel completely numb. I know he's waiting for some sort of reaction from me, but the idea of him cheating is just so foreign, that I can't even process it. We've had issues with him staying out late and drinking w/ the boys before and with communication, but infidelity is the absolute last thing I would ever have expected from him. I love him and don't want to leave him, but at the same time I have no idea how to handle this. We have a 15 month old and what I had thought was a fairly happy family. I don't want to be a single mom.

Additionally, I'm afraid for his/my health. I have a strong feeling that the woman was a prostitute. He did use a condom and stopped by a health clinic b/f coming home from the airport today to discuss potential risks and is setting up a doctor's apt. first thing tomorrow, but I'm afraid to even kiss him. What if he has herpes or something else?

I know that we need to get into counceling soon. How did you find your counselor? Did you shop around and interview different people?

Thanks in advance for your advice,

NB

[sassie]

NLB,

Sorry to hear that you as well are going through the same stuff I am. I so understand how you are feeling and I don't really know where to start. First thing is first make sure you and him go to the doctor together and ask as many questions as you can and have every test done you can think of but keep in mind there is a follow up on all the tests, one at one month and another at three months so its really not over until then so to speak. When you are at the doctor ask to be referred to someone and keep in mind there is a wait time in seeing someone, we got lucky as we got on the cancellation list thank god. If you go you see what they have to say and if you don't like it then you keep trying to you find someone you both like. Keep in mind when you go to speak with a third person you have to be willing to look at the whole relationship and I tell you it's not easy as you have to look at both of your faults even though he has gotten you in the doctors office things have had to be going on before this happened not that you will want to admit it cause I know I didn't and still hate to but its the truth that will fix things.

How to get passed the numbness I don't think I have even yet as there is still somedays that I hurt and I try and put it passed me but it's really hard. I always look at my children on the bad days and think I know there was love in my relationship as that is where my wonderful children came from and it gives me hope that I will find the love that was lost somewhere along the way. I am not saying to stay with him for the child because that wouldn't help either of you but if you feel in your heart you love him enough to try and forgive then you have to move passed it and try and talk alot I guess not that I am an expert as I too am going through the same thing remember, I just know that talking is helping us. The good thing for you is you don't have to face the girl all the time and remember that moment when he told you and that is one of the hardest things to do for me as every day I feel like its the first day but try and keep your eye on the ball and fight for what you want and if that is staying with him then you have to communicate with each other to find out where everything went wrong and start fixing it.

Please remember that I don't have all the answers I am just someone who is hurting like you and I wish like anything I could fix my hurt and every other women who hurts like me but life isn't like that so we must use each other to find strength. It's like you want to know everything that happened in hopes it will make it better but you fear that knowing will make it worse and maybe it will so go each day with your head up and try to push through the hurt and tears cause there is going to be lots and know that mistakes happen and you can forgive but you will never forget. If he is really sorry and your heart will except his sorrys then make today the start of a new life that you are both going to try and work at thats all you really can do.

Please feel free to message me for a one on one chat whenever you need to vent as I tell you it helps sometimes knowing you can talk to someone as that is why I come on this site you always need someone to turn too.

Keep trying and smiling they say when you smile its good for the heart.

Sassie

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Private messages are reserved for longer term members, therefore you require around 33 odd posts on this site in order to be able to do so.

This is a great site to express, we don't know who you are remember, so don't be frightened to simply speak here, on a thread about what concerns you.

CW

[NLB]

Thanks for the support, Sassie. I'm so sorry that you have to see her on a regular basis. That has to be heart wrenching. You are doing a great job of taking the high road, though, both with him and with her. Way to go!

On the homefront here, I just don't know how to act around him now. Last night, after finding out, I went into Brie Vandercamp (if you watch Desperate housewives) mode. I couldn't accept it, so I cooked dinner, cleaned the house, told him all about what our daughter did when she was out of town- basically pretended nothing was wrong. This a.m. I told him I was still processing it and in shock and that it hadn't sunk in yet, but that I was sure the hurt and anger would be coming soon. I also told him that I wasn't throwing him out, but then of course immediately regretted it since I started to question whether answering that question for him this soon would make him think that in some way his actions were acceptable. Maybe I should have let him wallow a bit longer.

Today, I feel it more physically- like I've been punched in the gut or had the wind knocked out of me. I also feel more sad, like I'm starting to mourn the loss of a trustful relationship. I'm scared this will always be between us on some level.

Anyways, I'm going to start my own thread so that I don't hijack yours. Eventually, we'll be up to the 33 email quota and can email each other personally!

Take Care, keep your head up, and thanks again for your post,

NB

[NLB]

p.s. We have an apt. with a counselor on Thurs. eve., provided I can find a babysitter.

[sassie]

Thanks for the words they mean a lot. I know how hard it is and the whole feeling of will it ever get better I think is something that comes with time at least I hope so. HAHA!!

Remember this is a great site to vent and get support so feel free when you are having a bad day know that there is always someone here to listen.

By the way don't worry about letting him know your not kicking him out I am sure he is on the edge of his seat wondering when you will give him the boot. When you have a bad day the thought will be there I tell I have had those days already but if you and him want to make it work you will get through it together.

Glad to hear you have the appointment, go for it and keep your fingers crossed that you can do it together as remember there once was love maybe something like this had to happen to help you both remember that love.

Sassie

[sassie]

Moving Forward

Okay well it's been a bit since I posted anything but I figure it's time to move on.

So I finally had the moment and I spoke to the girl and I now no that she is not pregnant and I tell you I feel so much better. It's been a long 3 months and I tell you somedays I find harder to get through then others but since I have spoken to her I feel I need to try and start the forgiving.

Before I spoke with the girl my husband and I had a long talk about what if she was and it was a conversation like no other. The emotions were in the air like I never thought we would have ever spoke with one another before. The thing about it was scared emotions of how one mistake could change someones life forever it had my husband scared, sad, upset and so sorry I didn't even no how to react. To tell you the truth I was all of the same emotions and more.

Talking to this girl was not something I really wanted to do but I felt like something was missing and I didn't know how to forgive and move on so Friday night before we took our kids out for halloween I spoke with her and it was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do but in the end it was worth it. When I spoke to her I asked her to come and sit in my van with me and I started out by asking her why she had been avoiding me and she said she felt ashamed of herself and of what she had done and couldn't face me, which in a sense made me feel better as she actually sounded like she was truly sorry for what she had done to me. When I asked her about being pregnant and she said no a big sigh came over her face and she said oh god no, you don't have to worry. Again I was relieved. She said that at the time this happened she too was drinking alot and couldn't even really remember what happened and that I should believe and trust that my husband loves me and that she felt that it was a mistake on both of their parts and she didn't think my husband ever stopped loving me. She said at the time she was dating anyone and that she doesn't know how herself could have delt with her now boyfriend if he had done it to her and that she was truly sorry.

When the conversations was almost over I proceed to tell her that I was glad she took the time to talk to me and asure me that there was no pregnancy and she was sorry I told her that I am hurt about what she did but no she isn't the only one to blame and that if I am choosing to forgive me husband and move on that I would forgive her as well of course I think when I told my husband that he was a little shocked to say the least but said he understood where I was coming from. I know that sounds a little silly like I should want to kill her but my mind tells me I should kill her but my heart says if I choose to forgive him then I too need to forgive her. People make mistakes in life and I can't move past the situation if I can't forgive both of them and move on so that is what I am trying to do.

I think I just needed to write it to be able to read it back to myself to know that I am doing the right thing for me, to make me feel better about me and my decision. I know it's not going to be easy and I am going to have a bad day here and there but forgiving is about letting go so I am going to do my best and move forward.

Sorry this is so long but I couldn't stop typing till I got it all off my chest.
Thanks everyone for all your advise it means a lot.

Sassie

[sassie]

Well I haven't posted anything in a while and I guess I have been trying to make myself think I am doing alright. Well I was wrong.

The past couple of weeks I just try and get passed what my husband did but it's not going away, I think about what he did every single day and sometimes several times a day. I just don't know how I am going to get passed this. I don't let on to my husband everyday that I think of it but if we start talking I tell him but I feel like he doesn't think of it so it should be a dead issue now. It's almost been 6 months now since he cheated on me and I feel like it was yesterday, I am starting to lose hope that things will ever get better. I have tried being positive or so I have told myself to be positive but its not working. I am to the point that I know I love him and we have a past together and kids but I don't know if staying married is the best thing anymore. I have tried talking to him and tell him that he has to be at his best all the time in showing me how much he loves me but it seems like he is the perfect husband for a couple of days which helps what he has done but then a few days later everything just falls to pieces and I think of what he did to me.

So what do I do, I can't seem to get passed what he has done to me and I feel that it's all I think of. Do I keep trying because I love him and I want things to get better or do I say *stuff* it and leave. Will I ever be happy again? Is happiness possible after going through this situation?

Any thoughts please I need something to help me get through another week.