[thack]

Ok, this is a new thing for me, but I am willing to try anything to have a shot at keeping my wife and son in my life.

A little backstory (going to be decently lengthy):

My wife and I got married young, 19, both of us were military, both of us had past family issues, me with my mother being manic depressive since i was 9, her with her father being a cheater / alcoholic / gambler.

We got married and directly got shoved into the 9-11 events, which both of us being military, we got tasked beyond belief and the honeymoon was postponed for a while.

We managed to make it through that and enjoy some good times for about 4 years.

After 5 years, she got deployed (i was in operation iraqi freedom 1 in 03 but it didnt seem to effect us much, i was only there for 4 months) she was deployed for about 6 months, when she was gone, i called her as often as i could (she was airforce and had the luxury of a phone in her work place / quarters)

I sent her letters, boxes, all the stuff she did for me while i was in iraq.

When she got home, I had made up the baby's room to let her know i was ready (since we had been talking about it) to go ahead with having a baby.

While we were sexually active with that goal in mind, there was a large emotional withdrawal from her, which sadly pushed me away- and down into the computer room to play a fairly addictive video game.

I figured being in the house was better than being out at the bar while she was emotionally distant.

We never really reconnected, but were still trying very hard to have a child, she finally got pregnant and after a few months we realized (may 5th 05) that she was in the middle of a molnar pregnancy (uteran cancer)


This totally and utterly devistated her, i was there for as many chemotherapy treatments as i could be, and gave her as much space as she was asking for (a lot) which drove me into the computer room (which had by now, become a fairly prominant addiction unfortunatley)

She moved out, claiming we needed to divorce, then after 2 weeks apologized for pushing me away, wanted to get back together, which i was more than excited to reconcile. But, there was still this horrible video game addiction, we were getting along better, doing more, i never put the game before her (as far as i thought) but still played it to much.

We made it through that and then in 06, we bought a house, and she got pregnant again (thankfully, we were very happy) things seemed to be going well, I was going back to Iraq again, sadly for the duration of the pregnancy.

I was lucky enough to come home for the birth and get 2 months off for just the whole brand new baby.

I stayed in contact with her during the entire pregnancy from Iraq, calling / emailing / ect very often to talk to her (which is normal for me when i am gone.

I love my wife and i miss her, talking to her made the deployments better for me) After the baby came out, she changed a lot, not just became a mother (her most recent words when i brought this up) but totally changed, she shut me out, blamed herself for being a bad wife and mother,

I would catch her crying at 2am breastfeeding our wonderful little baby boy, or i would catch her crying in bed when i would come to bed, (she goes to bed earlier than i do, and i would spend the entire day with her and the baby.

Then once both of them were sleeping, i would go play my video game for a couple hours and then come to bed.) for about 7 months she just blamed herself for being such a horrible person, mother, ect..


I tried to reassure her that I loved her for her, and that she was doing just fine as a mother and wife.


I was trying very hard to kick my video game habit, and finally in april of this year, it has been totally and completely removed. (thank god)

We had a total change in life in May.

She told me that she wanted a divorce, because she thought I was cheating on her (this happened while i was in some training in England)

I have never cheated on my wife.

I love her and respect what she does to much.

We never really fully reconnected after her deployment, and the move out in 05, but we were doing ok.

I have to much self respect and respect for friends / loved ones who had been cheated on in their marriages, so it is just not something that I do.


We were able to talk through things, i could see she was in pain, but not at herself any more.

It was all directed at me, i gave her no reason to think i was cheating (there really couldnt be any anyway.) it just came up.

We agreed to go to counseling, but it was ineffective because she just kept telling the counselor that she was done and wanted out, everything was my fault.

This all changed one night- in June(early june) we were laying in bed, i wanted to give her a good night kiss, she rolled away, so i said ok, i wont share a bed with someone who does not want to share it with me.

I went down stairs and slept on the couch.

About an hour later, she comes downstairs crying, and apologizing all over the place for blaming me for her Father's actions, she was sorry for pushing me away and did not want to lose me.

We made up, had some very passionate love making (which i thoroughly enjoyed, there has been a lot of passion lacking from her since her deployment)and from then on, for the next 2 months (before i came back to Iraq, where i am right now) we had some tension, but some really good times together, we spent a lot of time with our son, together alone, and just it was overall good.

When i got to Iraq in July, I started my normal contact routine, emailing about every 2 - 3 days, calling about 2 times a week or so, depending on what was going on.

She claimed i was smothering her, So, as difficult as it was, i throttled back on the emails, i did not bother her at work, if i emailed it was just at her home address. and i only called on sundays. completely opposite of our normal routine for me being gone.

I found her on Facebook one night, never knew she had one, i was looking for my cousins, and i approached her about it when i called that week and got accused of spying on her (now its a social site, type her name in, or our last name (cousins) and she and I both come up)

I assured her that i had not been spying on her, i was just caught off guard when i saw the facebook account.

I apologized for making her feel that way and we had some issues, she wouldnt say she loved me, she was just very distant.

I finally got her to calm down, and we started talking again, she was telling me she loved me and was sending me box's with cards and pictures of our son. then on august 15th, (i will never forget this day) she asked me to call her, she then exploded on me, because she had a pap done (routine) and tested positive for HPV, which from the research i did, and all the medical personel i spoke with here at the hospital, is extremely common in long term faithful relationships.

All though she is projecting it onto me and blaming me for cheating big time, still, i never have, never planned to, never gave her a reason to.

She went off the deep end, she told my command section that I had cheated on her, spied on her, and threatened her (where that came from i dont know) and she is now getting a lawyer, screaming divorce.

Which brings us to today, I dont know what to do, I dont know what i can do to apologize for making her feel unappreciated because of my old video game addiction (i hate that game) but try to show her how much i love her by all the things i have done for her, support i have given her, and how much her, and our son mean to me.

I have been emotionally stressed for a while now, ever since her deployment i have been trying to get real affection out of her with no luck, im a physical kind of guy, i love to just touch and be touched as my sign of affection (sexual or not, just contact) and she stopped that completely.

Even during sex, she just didnt really get into it much, and that bothered me, it was a 180 from our early years of marriage, and im sure passion fades, but I would go out of my way to make her feel loved, candle light lavender bubble baths, with her favorite wine, followed up with *just* a massage and a kiss good night, nice date nights where I got the baby sitter. family outings, where all of us could enjoy it. small surprises and gifts in her purse / car, drop off silly things to her while she was at work (chocolate covered strawberries like once or twice in a 2 month period),

I would offer to pick up lunch here and there and meet her up at her office to eat together, and even with her friends.

It's just weird how it all just went from ok, to destroyed. I dont understand, and i dont want to lose her, i know that if we both sought out counsel, we could maybe get our issues, problems, concerns, desires and whatever else out and dealt with.

But i cant keep her from walking out the door.

And yes, i have had the horrible displeasure of thinking that she may have been unfaithful while i was gone and thus, the sudden accusations.

But i really dont think she did that, but i could just not want to hear it as well. if she did, with enough work and effort from her, i could forgive her, and we could move on.

I just dont know if i should just let her go, or if i should keep trying, im confused.

[thack]

wow i didnt realize how long that was until i posted it.. eek, had a lot to get out.

[shweedart]

Couples therapy?

[thack]

we tried about a month's worth maybe a month and a half of marriage counsel from may - june, but the counselor did not suit us personally, and i was supposed to leave for iraq the next week. So we did not continue it. I wish she would have, I have been getting counsel from my assets over here in country. I have also read 6 books alone this past 4 months on how to be a better husband, how to show affection properly, how to apologize properly, and even how to raise my son by doing all of the above. I have been doing my homework, and its such a small task when i look at what its for.

[Joy]

Hi Thack,

I read your post and its very emotional and heart touching. You said in the beginning things were passionate and good. What i noticed in your post that you mentioned several times was that things changed after her deployment. Could something tramatic have happened over seas that she is not sharing? Something she is blocking out?

You guys have had lots of obstacles; 911, iraq, pregnancy & Cancer and a baby. Those are all tramtic all on their own little lone stacked up together. Her emotions seem rollercoaster blaming herself for being a bad wife, mother and person. Flipping and blaming you. Perhaps Psychologically her mind is broken in parts and having a hard time putting a normal picture back in place.

The 2am crying and the crying alone in bed sounds like depression and you can't really help her unless she is will to seek help and treatment for this. She may have to find somone to trust to talk to and get her mind sorted out. She may be having a hard time coping being a mom, a wife, and a soilder. Maybe she feels she can't live up to the standards she has set for herself or what she feels others have set for her.

I wish your wife mental healing from the anquish she seems to be going thru. Love her and support her but don't forget to look after yourself emotionally too.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Thack.

Firstly, don't blame yourself on Computer games, you stopped and it made no difference, firstly and secondly you did it through lonliness.

Your wife doesn't need Councelling this is not a marriage problem.

This is what she is doing... Classic "Pink song" Go away , come back, go away, come back"..

I feel that she had such a problem with her Father and there may be more, abuse when he got drunk, anger when he gambled and lost, she can not connect... She wants to but can't.

There may even be things that she hasn't told you...

Things that she needs to.

Councelling is not working because she will not admit what ever that is to herself.

How did her Father really effect her life. Did she decice her employment to "run away?" in reality.

The baby. I feel fear. She wanted "The family life" but having a baby was reminding her of her childhood.. First problem.

I feel that after she had it, she suffered PND... Couldn't bond as much.

You are/were the perfect husband/father.. But her's wasn't.

You are crowding her, that means you are NOT REAL.. It is not possible.

Go away, come back.

You may also be a bit clingy, most women would die for a guy like you, but if you don't believe it exists, you don't want it.

Better of being on my own.

I do not know about the HPV.. what is that? excuse my ignorance. But, i don't think she cheated either, she hasn't found herself, wants to and cant.

I think you need to really sit her down and say to her, Your father hurted you didn't he, you don't trust men do you.. I love you and I am there and I will be till the day I die.

I suspect she will cry her heart out and open up and tell you something.

I am not sure what, but that is my gut feeling.

CW

[thack]

I may have been a bit clingy, but it was out of lack of affection from her and trying to spur it.
I felt like her and my son were sand in my hand, the harder I try to hold onto it, the more slips through the cracks and falls away.

HPV is the "common cold" of std's. chances are, if you have had sex at some point in your life, you have been exposed to it or have it yourself. Men are carriers, and do not ever show signs (depending on what strain it is) The strain she has shown up with is the strain that causes Cervical cancer (once again, old feelings come up, old fears, on both sides of the marriage) I was informed by my medical personnel here in Iraq that it is very common in long term relationships under about 10 years. It can lay dormant in one or the other for a long long time, and then after being passed finally, it will stay dormant in THAT person for a long time, until years later it pops up. One or both of us could have had it before we got married and its just now showing up. There were mentions of that early on in our relationship, so I truthfully was not surprised when it came up again. Sadly, she was.

I do agree that her father ed her head up a lot, she has not opened up at all for years with that. Her grandfather was a molester (but had no contact with her or her brother thankfully) As far as her deployment, she was deployed in the Air Force to a place where we in the Army go for a small vacation during the 1 year deployments. So, if something happened it was some sort of assault from a coalition force, not so much combat. (thats all saved for me. lol) She was very good in the Air Force, and she is a very driven individual professionally. She is no longer an Airman(or woman), and works in the civilian sector now, which she is successful in.

I tried to bring up the whole, I am not your father, but I am however here for you if you need me, told her I loved her and did not want the divorce (thats being spun up by her as we speak) that she was talking about, In the face of all of this, I am remaining civil, I do not want to have any guilt coming out of this marriage, I dont want it to end period, let alone look back and feel guilty for doing something TO her in the separation. Especially if it would effect my son. I believe in Karma, so, it will come back around some day I hope.

I do agree with the whole, come back, go away, come back, go away, come .... ect...
that has been the past 4 years of our marriage, flat out. I am emotionally exhausted from it. And became pretty co-dependent on her, which only drove her away. But it was just a very hard thing to avoid having her do what she was doing.

its a very weird time at the moment, I want nothing more than to NOT get a divorce, but I fear its coming, so in preparation for that, all I want is joint custody and fair financial splits.
my son deserves to see both of his parents as he grows up. And I want to be a part of his life. I had a great father (step dad) and I have nothing but respect for him, I can only hope that when my son is older, he can say the same of me.

[thack]

And just another snippet:

I have been getting marriage counseling / personal counseling to help me cope with the extreme amount of stress of this whole situation (all while being deployed) and I will continue to do so, even if we do get a split. I will learn from this, I will grow from this, no matter what.

Thank you for your input so far :P

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But that's the whole point... Her Grandfather then was the Molester, you don't really know if her Father was or not.

Irrespective, you don't know what her Grandfather did or you do.

She has bought a "boy into this world" exactly what I see, fear.

She may fear that he will be like them.

Her strive in amibtion, I will be, I am.. is all about trying to say she is better.

Her, go away , come back, go away, come back is all about her wanting so badly.

Her rejection get lost, divorce is about fear.

She needs councelling not marriage councelling, by her own issues..

You can not do jack shirt at this point unless she lets go of all her fears, and tears and heartache not from you but from her past.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry I am so concentrating on her, I forgot you..

I apologise. Good for you, you need that as well, you need to understand it is not you and you have been a great husband and a great father and the games you played were from rejection.

I did mention that originally but over looked the importance of you needing to feel that you are a good person.

Sorry again.

CW