[confused about everything]

yes i have been raped and abused in my past, but i don't think that has anything to do with how i feel about the dh watching porn. Its not natural for married men to watch porn, it wasn't 50 years ago, and it isn't now. I am a very confident person, i love who i am and am ed proud of how i look expecialy after we had our little boy 9 months ago and im back down to ten pounds less than i was before i got pregnant. I have confidance in work, home life, my physical apearance, and my relationship. But i still believe there is nothing natural about it. Nor, is it ok in my opinion. He would get ****ed as all if he found me watching porn by myself or masterbating to the thought of another man. he would be jealous and ****ed. Plus, its not as big a deal if he were doing it with me but he hides it, he only does it at work, or when i go to sleep or before i wake up. There have been many times that i have asked for sex and he gave me an excuse not to have it and once i went to bed he would sneak into my lotion drawr and take care of himself. That is not natural.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Jealousy, honesty, selfishness are traits that need to be worked on.. They will ruin a relationship.

You have mentioned the whole three, confused about everything.

However, "understanding" is also another trait that needs to be worked on...

You state, he takes care of himself, that's not natural, watching porn, that's not natural, unless he is with you..

A man's penis is natural.
Unless your a Man, you can't comprehend the logic and reasons why they like to masterbate on their own, all you see is why they "naturally" like sex with their partners.

Would you openly daily masterbate in front of him, and not ask for sex either, just purely masterbate to him?

I think you both have different views and as such one then hides from the other, ...

Communication and openess and compromise is therefore something perhaps you both need to consider....

I am very sorry for what happened to you but I am also elated that you are strong and as such, love yourself, and every part of you...

So, be more open therefore, you jumped huge hurdles to get where you are, huge...

This may be another one... It is normal unfortunately but it seems to make a lot of women feel less loved, or something wrong with the way the perform, it's not the case.

CW

[WildChild]

He would get ****ed as all if he found me watching porn by myself or masterbating to the thought of another man. he would be jealous and ****ed.

How do you know this? Bet he wouldn't! You might give it a try?

[rcoreyus]

(snip)Its not natural for married men to watch porn, it wasn't 50 years ago, and it isn't now. l.

I've seen pornographic pictures from ancient Rome (2000 years ago). (they were on public display - guess if it's old enough it isn't porn <g>).

Videos, and the internet have made porn easier to obtain, but it has been around for a very long time.

Of course that doesn't make it good - lots of bad things have been around for a long time as well.

[Phoebee]

I'm not sure how old Playboy is but our fathers both had subscriptions. Is the DVD Video stuff more graphic? I remember at least some "men's Magazines" with really graphic stuff as a child.

I've kind of changed my opinion. If my DH was spending lots of solo time watching porn? I would probably feel a lot less "ok" about this. Frankly when we do this together and considering his "taste" for less gross stuff I'm ok. So, for what its worth for those of you who have relationships with XXX porn addicts? I agree that its not good. And as I stated before there is abusive junk out there (And lots of just junk) that really is geared to the sick and twisted.

In a way it seems like adult entertainment (videos etc) can be like drinking. Some people have an occasional drink and their life is not messed up by it. Others have a regular drink once a day even and they are "ok" Then you have binge drinkers who abuse it and ruin their lives.

I can't tell the wife of an alcoholic that drinking is "ok" but I suppose I'm saying that in our situation its worked out fine.

[rcoreyus]

In a way it seems like adult entertainment (videos etc) can be like drinking. Some people have an occasional drink and their life is not messed up by it. Others have a regular drink once a day even and they are "ok" Then you have binge drinkers who abuse it and ruin their lives.

I think that is a very good way to put it. And just as there is everything from fine wine to fortified liquor in paper bags to heroin, porn ranges from perfectly reasonable videos of people making love, to things too appalling to mention.

[confused about everything]

I am by no means saying that porn its self is good or bad, what i am saying is that my husband should be satisfied by me. I don't believe that he should be looking at other women naked much less having sex with someone. there is no differenece between him watching it on the computer, and him going to a ladies house and watching it. I keep things entertaining in the bedroom, trying new things, dressing up for him, roleplaying, the works. he would just rather do the plain man on top, 5miniutes, its over and get on wit the day. but where he wont spend more than 10 or so miniutes with me in bed, he'll spend more on the computer looking at other women having marathon sex experiences. i think that at such point, its an adiction and i don't agree with it, i don't like it, i don't approve of it, and he doesn't seem to give a rats about what i believe.

[rcoreyus]

Confused_about_everything: if he is watching porn and not paying you enough attention, then I agree with you - he has a real problem.

To me that is very different from someone who pays attention to their partner and only watches porn with their partner, or when their partner is not available.

[Phoebee]

I heard that statement "He should be satisfied by me" many times. In the big picture I agree. But it begs the question why? I mean if he is into solo porn and or masturbation whats going on? Is it him? Is it you? Is it some combo? I think if his porn viewing has become a bad habit this is a worthwhile thing to start doing some therapy. Maybe he has some issues that can be solved by talking it out with a 3rd party if he is not upfront with you.

Or maybe you can sit down and talk about it with him and try to get at the root of the issue.

[luckytobealady]

i think that there are many people out there who enjoy porn and who can honestly use it as a celebration of sexuality. after all, sex is a great thing, and everyone enjoys it differently. porn becomes a problem when it hurts someone. if the person using it begins to feel chained to it, like they need it, or can't stop thinking about it, it becomes a very serious problem that needs addressing. it can ruin lives. it can also hurt the spouse or partner of the person using it. i never had a problem with porn until i found out my fiance had an addiction. now it disgusts me. i can't even tolerate conversation about it because i cannot separate what it actually is from what it has become for me...many painful and unresolved problems. so i guess the whole good bad thing is going to be unique to each persons experience with porn. my experience...BAD