[Stone_Wolf_]

The Perspective of a Caught Fiance

I hope I'm not intruding. I have only read the opening post, but wanted to add a comment, before I went back to read the whole thread.

I'm a 28 year old male, an unemployed drafter, with a 25 year old fiance, who recently caught me looking at porn.

It has hurt our relationship, and her self image and her trust in me. It amazes me to think about how easy it is for men to be selfish in this area and not see any other perspective but their own.

I knew that the straw that broke the camel's back in my fiance's previous relationship was catching him with porn (bad stuff too).

Let me say that my particular viewings were urbane, women alone, either nude or scantily clad, nothing with sex acts or depravity. It's easy to judge others harshly while still objectifying women, causing the person you love great turmoil and having a habitual and dangerous practice.

Something the original poster said stuck with me, that as young boys we learn about sex from porn, and carry these habits into manhood. It is true.

I was never popular in school and the first time I kissed a girl was when I lost my virginity at age 19. The hypersexual mindset of pornography, of advertising, of our culture, crippled me in my ability to relate to the opposite gender as a human being and not as a sex object.

I always wanted to have an instant relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) with every girl I had a crush on, without getting to know them or become friends first.

To my childish morality, women were not sex objects, but I could not place them in my life without being in a relationship. I could not have female friends, could not learn to see them as people, but always as women.

My relationship with my fiance has been a learning experience, and has helped me to move forward with my attitude towards females, but I was still able to separate the desire for the female body from my feelings for her and pleasure myself to images of complete strangers without thought. It was the nudity, the body parts that were exciting, and because I did not attach any emotional importance to it, it never felt like cheating.

I am truly sorry it has taken the pain of my fiance to make me realize just how much I sexualized women and didn't recognize it.

I now have two difficult task before me: growing up sexually and showing my fiance that she can trust me, that our love is real and important to me.

All advice is welcome.

Thank you.

[confused about everything]

i wish that you could convince my fiance of that! i love him, but he seems to think just because he thinks its ok, that i can't be upset and i my not agreeing with it means nothing

[Stone_Wolf_]

Reply to confused about everything

confused about everything,

What I've learned isn't that porn is bad, it's that it can be if hurts the people you love or yourself.

If your man won't listen to you about something that hurts you then tell him in stronger language that this is a deal breaker, and if he still won't listen, dump his ***.

The point to a relationship, as I see it, is to find someone to relate to you, to love and protect you and your feelings, someone who makes makes you feel good about being truly you when you are with them.

If he does not respect the fact that this is causing you pain, then he will not make a good husband (in my opinion at least).

[Guest]

The point to a relationship, as I see it, is to find someone to relate to you, to love and protect you and your feelings, someone who makes makes you feel good about being truly you when you are with them.

Compromise...it's a two way street...He pays attention to her desires and she pays attention to his..If he feels that she is "mothering" him because of her insecurities he is, of course, going to say get over it..She would have the same reaction to something she felt was no big deal but he thought was a big deal..

THERE lies the problem, it's not the pron, it's the communication and neither are willing to compromise!!!

[torn2pieces]

i wish that you could convince my fiance of that! i love him, but he seems to think just because he thinks its ok, that i can't be upset and i my not agreeing with it means nothing

Men are confusing. Are you sure he don't care that you are upset about it?

I used to raise an issue with my fiance, it bothered me and I thought it was wrong the way he easily made female friends (regardless of him being a friendly person). I felt he shouldn't have these chicks numbers in his phone, talk to them away from work, etc.

Well it was a deep argument and we got counseling and finally it came out to the bottom line, do I or do I not think he is cheating. Theres more but that is not my point...my point is that recently during a conversation, he said "I felt bad/didn't like that it (the situation) made you feel so upset"

After 2 years of dealing with this, I never knew he cared, I always felt the way you said your man feels (because he thinks its okay, me being upset didn't matter). So it was a Wow for me, and I realized he did care. If I only knew he cared about how I felt I probably wouldn' t of flipped out the way I did when we talked/argued about it.

[Stone_Wolf_]

Compromise is very important.

Compassion is just as important.

"I feel hurt and betrayed when you do this."

"I don't care, get over it."

There are times for compromise and then there are times for recognition of character. Do you really want to be with someone who just doesn't give a about your feelings?

Now, I know it sounds hypocritical coming from the guy who just got caught looking at porn right? I guess it is a bit. But previously I didn't get it emotionally that this behavior was harming my mate and my relationship. It took "getting caught" to educate me.

Tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms.

Then if he still won't change his behavior...make a decision, either he is a really great guy in a lot of other ways, and it is worth it for you to "take the hit", and let him make you feel bad about this one thing, or it is not. But remember this is your choice, so if you do stay with him and he doesn't change this behavior, don't resent the him, since it was your decision.

Sorry if I'm coming off as bossy, it can be not so easy to live in this topsy turvy world and it's so easy to accidentally or obliviously cause harm, but it seems to me that it is a different story when people know and just don't care.

What I told my fiance is this, "I can't promise I will never hurt you again, but I can promise you that I will learn from my mistakes and grow as a person. And I can promise you I will never hurt you intentionally."

[confused about everything]

i do love him very very much, but as with your wife, i had a bad experience with a previous lover watching porn. i found on his computer animated pictures of children having sex and ever since than i have felt very very very strongly that i would never have a partner looking at porn on the computer. if he wants to have "alone time" thats fine, even really if he wants to have it with a copy of my victoria secret catalog, but no computer porn on my computer or in my house. he knows this, but he has more than once done it anyways even going as far as doing it at work so that he wouldn't get caught. i am not saying i think he is looking at something inapropriet, but its far to easy to have stuff that shouldn't be there, leak into what your seeing.

[Stone_Wolf_]

but no computer porn on my computer or in my house. he knows this, but he has more than once done it

What did you do when you caught him?

[Guest]

Compromise is very important.

Compassion is just as important

YES!!!

And BOTH are a two way street!

Telling your man that he can't look at porn or you will leave him is not only wrong but the epitome of naive!!..IMO

Now if your man is spending money and jerking off to porn rather than being intimate with his wife etc etc...Much like an alcoholics behavior....Then yeah understandable...But just cause he is looking at it and *ohmygosh* finds another woman attractive...

[confused about everything]

i told him how i feel about porn in general and about my past and why i feel like i don't want it in my house. he said he understood and was sorry but than i keep finding things *he's not very good at hiding things*
i didn't freak out or get upset with him or even tell him its porn or me, i just told him how i feel and asked him not to do it. after he agreed to stop than i found out not only had he not, but he had been lying to me about it, thats when i got mad and we got into a huge fight