[Lindy56]

This is my first time doing anything like this, but i need help coping with this problem.
My husband has a fantasy life, in as a different name, picture etc that he is using on several sites. With this different i.d he constantly talks to other women about sex etc. Sometimes it has gotten very explicite, i know this because on occasion he as left his emails open accidently, and i have seen emails from hundreds of different women. And he spend's hours talking to them on the internet. And i also found out that he had been ringing a women everyday.
My problem is that he cannot understand why this is upsetting me, he says that that life is nothing to do with the real one.
What i can't understand is why he feel's the need for this other life.
I would like to know what other's think of this situation, and am i right in being upset about it all.

[Debra]

I think you have every right to be upset with your husband. He is married and has no business chatting up women on the internet.

The difference in a fantasy and real life is that a fantasy is something we think about that excites us in some way or another. Sexual fantasies are healthy, but when you obsessively think about them, then it becomes a problem. It sounds as if your husband may be obsessed with them. Does he blow off work or other everday duties in order to chat? Does he snap at you when you question him on the matter?

My other question is 'ringing' means calling other women? If so, then that is a definate PROBLEM because it insinuates that not only is he chatting with these women, he is also calling them and therefor thinking about them through out the day. That is referred to as emotional cheating. Sure, he might be with you physically, but his mind is somewhere else and with somebody else.

Lastly, it seems as though you're not asserting yourself with him. You need to be more assertive. I may be speculating, but it just seems that he is trying to MAKE you believe that what he's doing is perfectly fine and you're the one that is going crazy. That is not acceptable! It alarms me to think that he's trying to manipulate your thoughts in that manner because it shows disrespect and it is most certainly degrading. Why should you feel bad for being mad because he's chatting/talking with other women?! He has no right to make you feel bad for being angry. In my opinion, he should be the one grobbling at your feet asking for forgiveness and not demanding that you be respectful and accept the fact that he chats and talks to other women.

I don't normally advise this to other women, but in this situation, I'm advising that you be angry with him. Show him you're mad and don't back off of it. If he ends up breaking the relationship, then that's on him. He should treat you with the respect you deserve, and what he's doing is extremely disrespectful.

I wish you the best and I hope my advice helped in some way. Other women may have a different take on your situation. My take on it is 'Get mad, and let him know it.' Discuss it further if you'd like. My guess is that he'd only say things like 'I wouldn't chat with these women if you would do......etc.' Given the fact that he has already told you that he thinks he's doing nothing wrong already tells me that he might be the type to try to manipulate you into thinking that you did something wrong. Rest assured, this is NOT your fault, my dear.

[WildChild]

I pretty much agree with Debra. Going on line to look at porn or read erotica is one thing and not generally a big deal. Setting up an alter ego and conversing is another - more iffy. Phone conversations are pretty personal. It could be just a freindship even if there is some flirting going on and they may not know he is married.

The big question is why is he turning to this behavior. It sounds like there are some problems. Why not start by taking this as a wake up call and take a look at what has been going on your relationship? Are the two of you in a rut? Taking each other for granted? How long have you been together? Any kids? Any special stresses such as prolonged unemployment, illness, depression, family problems? How is your sex life? How long has this been going on?

You've got options; you could start with simple distraction, just as you do with a child who is facinated with something dangerous, distract him from his fantasy with something enticing and real. Plan things that will get him away from the computer and phone - he must have time on his hands. Some good sex, fun activities, outdoor stuff - get out camping or fishing (where there is no signal), may break the facination long enough that it loses it's pull. Another option would be talking with him about it, calmly and rationally. Tell him clearly and as calmly as possible how it makes you feel and that you want it stopped, you might suggest counseling. The third option would be an ultimatum. I think you should try everything else first because an ultimatum is only effective if you mean it, you have to be prepared to fullfil it.

[Guest]

As a man i can tell you that there is absolutely ZERO justification for this behaviour, and you should not put up with it for one second.

[rcoreyus]

Different people have different ideas of what is reasonable. For some, "look but don't touch" is OK. For others "look" is NOT OK. Try finding out what he thinks are reasonable boundaries - which of course should apply to both of you. After you understand what he thinks is reasonable, and he knows what you think is reasonable you can have a rational discussion.

BTW - let him know that a lot of the "women" out on the net there are actually men. There is one guy I know who would pretend to be a woman and have sexy conversations with other men. (I have no idea why - I'm pretty sure he was straight - he just said it was "funny").

[Lindy56]

I want to thank you all for your comments. I must tell you all that i have gotten mad,upset all the emotions possible. The responce i get is that! why should it bother me because it is not him having these conversations it is his alter ego!!!! when i said yes but the words are coming from your mind in the first place. He say's he love's me and not them and that he is with me so it shouldn't worry me, but like i said it does. I have packed my bags three times now because i get so upset about it all.
As for things between us, they have been fine up until last July when i found out he was doing this, i conforted him with email's i had printed off and conversation's i found (very sexualy explicite). He told me at the time that it was none of my buisness as it was his private stuff and i should't be reading it, and he is not allowing me to blackmail him into stopping it because he say's that i will be controlling him.
It does not affect his work because he does it late at night when he think's i have gone to sleep. So i spend most of my night's awake wondering what he is doing.

[Debra]

You found out about his e-mails, confronted him with it, and he says "It's none of your business." What kind of a guy does he think he is?

As far as him telling you that he loves you, tell him this, : "Love is an action, not just a word. It's shown in the way you act toward me, the way you respect my feelings, and in the simple wanting of yourself to make me happy. This ain't love honey, and I wasn't born yesterday!"

My heart aches for you. I know that seems like a strange to say to a complete stranger, but I can only imagine how hurt you are feeling and how betrayed you are. It seems that he wants you to be quiet about the issue, not because he feels blackmailed, but because he wants control of the situation. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This is NOT acceptable. If you've tried talking to him like WildChild suggested, or if you've listened to hunky dory ,who knows firsthand how a man thinks, and nothing has worked so far, then you need to sit down and think about whether you want the next month, year, or years to be like this between your husband and yourself. Only you can answer that and only you can decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who clearly isn't showing respect for you or for his marriage. Vows are made on the wedding day, they weren't 'just words' then and they shouldn't be 'just words' now. He's taking this situation too light-heartedly. I, personally, would not put up with it.

My best wishes to you.

[Lindy56]

We have had yet another row about this matter, and he still maintain's it is nothing to do with me and it is his private life and i am not controlling it. And he still think's i want to have sex with him!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rcoreyus]

"vows are made on the wedding day".

I agree, but different people interpret the vows differently.

You found out about his e-mails, confronted him with it, and he says "It's none of your business." What kind of a guy does he think he is?

As far as him telling you that he loves you, tell him this, : "Love is an action, not just a word. It's shown in the way you act toward me, the way you respect my feelings, and in the simple wanting of yourself to make me happy. This ain't love honey, and I wasn't born yesterday!"

My heart aches for you. I know that seems like a strange to say to a complete stranger, but I can only imagine how hurt you are feeling and how betrayed you are. It seems that he wants you to be quiet about the issue, not because he feels blackmailed, but because he wants control of the situation. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This is NOT acceptable. If you've tried talking to him like WildChild suggested, or if you've listened to hunky dory ,who knows firsthand how a man thinks, and nothing has worked so far, then you need to sit down and think about whether you want the next month, year, or years to be like this between your husband and yourself. Only you can answer that and only you can decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who clearly isn't showing respect for you or for his marriage. Vows are made on the wedding day, they weren't 'just words' then and they shouldn't be 'just words' now. He's taking this situation too light-heartedly. I, personally, would not put up with it.

My best wishes to you.

[Lindy56]

I am not sure what you are saying rcoreyus.