[Hopeless Dork]

Isuelda, thanks for your post. I strive to be a woman that can be comfortable with her man being turned on to orgasm by other women. I really do. I pray for the day that I finally feel good enough about myself that I don't get jealous or insecure. I am such a hypocrite about it too, which makes it even worse.

I like porn, I use it myself. I feel like I know that I am not wanting the men more than him so its okay for me in my head. With him, he doesn't really watch sex porn... he just uses beautiful women naked pictorials. I mean flawless, breathtaking naked women photos. Extreme photoshop, blurred lighting - they are like naked angels and every time I see that .. I look down at my body and think wtf does he think of me compared to that. And I freak out. And I don't want to. And I don't know how to stop freaking out. lol.

I am going to end up throwing a way a good, otherwise completely happy relationship because of my low self esteem and I feel powerless against the negetive emotions I have. I need him to reassure me, to tell me how much he wants me, to show me CONSTANTLY... or I start feeling bad about myself and it needs to stop. He is going to tire of having to constantly prove he's into me just as much as his monitor o' hotness. Or I am going to tire of worrying he's not.

I need to change my perspective and quickly, I just don't know how to.

[Hopeless Dork]

I forgot to add, that lately because of the way I have been feeling down about myself I have been tempted to get involved in a probably unhealthy old habit that I gave up after me and my boyfriend got serious.

I use to go into dirty webcam rooms and put on mild shows for strange guys, purely for the ego boost of feeling sexually attractive on day's I felt bad. I quit doing that because once we got serious, I thought to myself ... would I want him doing that? The answer was no, so I quit. Now with these recent discoveries of how much time he spends fantasizing about other women I have been desiring to do that again.

It always made me feel good for the moment, then I would feel bad about it later, which is why I don't think its so healthy. I haven't done it during our relationship, haven't felt the need until lately. Deep down I know I shouldn't, I am loyal to the bone and I know it would make me feel even more guilty than it did before.

My self-esteem has been low my entire life. I need to learn how to feel valuable even when not causing a boner... which it seems like I equate my worth to. Knowing he gets them for other women increases their value to him in my eyes because of skewed perspective and I think thats where my problem with it lies.

[WildChild]

You are real. You are touchable. You respond. You know his weaknesses and are still there.
They are fantasy. He knows he will never touch them and that they are essentially shells, facades of women. He knows that if he met and talked with these women they wouldn't look that good in person and would have all sorts of baggage. If they did look that good in real life and didn't have all sorts of weaknesses and problems, he knows they wouldn't give him a second glance.

In one of his Mars and Venus books John Grey recounts a story of some older women (I hesistate to say elderly since I think he said in their 60s and that isn't THAT far away LOL) who are shopping. One picks out a very sexy nitie and another comments on her being too old to wear something like that. The first lady's reply is that when you are the only naked woman in the room you are IT! Grey says she has it nailed.

Who else is he committed to? Who else is naked and available in the room? Work with what you have. Be glad your insecurity isn't such that you have to be airbrushed and presented naked for the approval of millions of strangers to feel good about yourself! You got the man that matters to you, who thinks you are fine as you are.

[OlikTver]

Isuelda, thanks for your post. I strive to be a woman that can be comfortable with her man being turned on to orgasm by other women. I really do. I pray for the day that I finally feel good enough about myself that I don't get jealous or insecure. I am such a hypocrite about it too, which makes it even worse.

I like porn, I use it myself. I feel like I know that I am not wanting the men more than him so its okay for me in my head. With him, he doesn't really watch sex porn... he just uses beautiful women naked pictorials. I mean flawless, breathtaking naked women photos. Extreme photoshop, blurred lighting - they are like naked angels and every time I see that .. I look down at my body and think wtf does he think of me compared to that. And I freak out. And I don't want to. And I don't know how to stop freaking out. lol.

I am going to end up throwing a way a good, otherwise completely happy relationship because of my low self esteem and I feel powerless against the negetive emotions I have. I need him to reassure me, to tell me how much he wants me, to show me CONSTANTLY... or I start feeling bad about myself and it needs to stop. He is going to tire of having to constantly prove he's into me just as much as his monitor o' hotness. Or I am going to tire of worrying he's not.

I need to change my perspective and quickly, I just don't know how to.

Hi, Hopeless Dork, you know, when I was reading your post, I saw myself in it. I also have insecurities - and compare myself with those chicks from internet. Maybe your guy doesn't really care that those women are flawless or whatever - maybe he just gets turned on by any exposure - it's just that those pics are everywhere - and I don't think he is searching for specific stuff - probably the first website he goes to. You know, I realize now that watching porn is understandable - me and my husband had a really nice chat about it - he explained a lot of things to me, he says it's not about the women, it's about the chemicals that release in your body from sexual arousal, it just relaxes him, also the fact that he has ADHD doesn't help.

He found an interesting quote from some forum that I liked:

"I don’t think the use of pornography should be encouraged or accepted as widely as it is in our culture. Boys get caught up in it before they have any forethought of ever getting married and they carry that habit into their marriages. When there is marital conflict they will preferentially turn to resolving their feelings in a selfish manner, which leads to an ever-colder marriage."

And that's true, whenever we have an argument - he feels frustrated and just feels like doing something for himself, something to forget about the argument, to relax - and without even thinking he goes online and does it - he doesn't think about how that would effect me or whoever - he just simply wants to go off. And that's boyish behavior - not an adult one.
Men just need to be less selfish - and realize that porn using can negatively effect their real life relationships. I don't think that it's that hard to say no to it - just like saying no to drugs or smoking or alcohol.

And also men need to realize that they don't have the right to watch porn before they fully satisfy their partner - explore every inch of theirs and their woman's sexuality.

[OlikTver]

My self-esteem has been low my entire life. I need to learn how to feel valuable even when not causing a boner... which it seems like I equate my worth to. Knowing he gets them for other women increases their value to him in my eyes because of skewed perspective and I think thats where my problem with it lies.

Honestly, don't take this too seriously - men get boners sometimes even for no reason - and the fact that he gets it from some images of naked chicks doesn't increase their value to him at all, believe me! I thought the same way several weeks ago, but I realize now that those women don't mean anything - they are kinda like viagra - helps them to get it up LOL. I'm tired of being upset - let's live!!! Let's not get those things ruin our good mood and our relationships!

[Hopeless Dork]

I know you are right Olik, I need to let it go... I haven't been myself the last couple days, and I am letting this make me so miserable. When I am with him, I forget all about it. When he is around me and smiling, not a bad thought enters my head. When I am away from all I can think about these last couple of days is him not appreciating what he has in me and I get upset all over again.

I am a good girlfriend. I do everything in my power to please him, all I want in return is to feel wanted and special. I guess that is all I've ever wanted. Sex with him makes me feel that way, when we don't do it... I start to feel down. Knowing he is thinking of sex with others it makes me feel even more down. I am trying to learn to feel special all the time through all the other kind and wonderful things he does for me that he doesn't do for the hot 20 year old porn stars.

He is so much more than sex to me, and I know I am more than sex to him. And so the couple minutes here or there he spends with these other women I should not let get to me. They are not more than sex to him, and I know that.

I wonder if its too late for me to regain my dignity and self-worth in his eyes. I've shown him how vulnerable I am to having bouts of low self-esteem tinged with jealousy. That can't possibly make him think well of me. I don't want to be that girl, I want to be the other girl - the one with all the confidence, that theme music plays when she walks into a room and she could careless what her man does with his willy in front of the PC. Where to start.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Trust....

Whilst it can be broken... and produce pain...

It may never ever occur.... and so you can dance in the rain....

Trust....

[OlikTver]

I wonder if its too late for me to regain my dignity and self-worth in his eyes. I've shown him how vulnerable I am to having bouts of low self-esteem tinged with jealousy. That can't possibly make him think well of me. I don't want to be that girl, I want to be the other girl - the one with all the confidence, that theme music plays when she walks into a room and she could careless what her man does with his willy in front of the PC. Where to start.

Hopeless Dork, I am faced with the same issues as you are - and I am working on them right now. Honestly, I don't know where to start being "the other girl", but do you really want to be her? The other girl will always be a fantasy - something that a man can't have, but you're real, you love him more than anything and no other girl will be as special to him as you are. And I am sure that at those special moments of you two being together there is no need for theme music because there's something more - there's a symphony of your love for each other.

[WildChild]

You have to just be you. That's a multifacted woman! We all have times when we are more vulnerable or sensitive. Men have them too but may handle it differently - they are more likely to want time alone.

If he can't accept all of you (assuming you aren't a nut case - and you're not), then there is a problem. We are all in the process of becoming, of growth and learning and development. It's what we are here for, what living is about. Our insecurities are a reflection of work we need to do. Not to become perfect people but to be the best we can and love that. When you love yourself, you become more open to loving from others. Then you won't worry so much about him looking at other women because you'll know for him, you're the best! Window shopping isn't buying, it's just a sight seeing trip.

[blondie80]

Wild Child, your last reply was so right, we all have insecurities and it does tell us where we need to work and i have no doubt that hopeless dork isn't a nut case im pretty sure from reading all of this that she is a normal woman with issues with self confidence, hopeless dork have you asked your partner what his favourite part about you is your body and your mind and the stuff you two do on a day to day basis, sometimes this is a great confidence booster and remember it next time you see the air brushed sex kitten screen saver lol
Men generally will look at other women in day to day life no matter if you see them or not, they will look at porn and i can understand sometimes it gets to the better of all of us! I Have let it myself, but you are real, and you will find most men love what is real, the feeling that he gets when he is holding your hand or talking about what you have done that day or just telling each other you love each other and snuggling in bed, thats all real. That he wont get with the screen saver or the dvd, and as to the feeling wanted in my last relationship i had as well got onto the internet and done mild shows for the men to get the feeling of being attractive, and sexy and wanted. Sometimes men need to be reminded that men and womens brains work two completely different ways and sometimes we both need different things to function in a relationship, but really the porn shouldnt be an issue, they are paid actors doing what they are paid to do and half the time you aren't looking at what the other people look like its more the actions of whats going on and i know myself i sit and wonder if i can do that! lol