[kaylar]

How To Escape


Think of it as a military campaign.

You know this man better than anyone on
Earth. You know what to expect.

You begin by planning to leave
him.

Plan.
It doesn't have to touch all bases, it
just needs to be a solid statement to
yourself that you are going to leave.

If you are fortunate and have or friends
who will take you in, then direct your
mind to that.

If you don't, you may need to find
shelters, or church groups, or some
place to go.

But begin with the committement...
'I AM LEAVING THIS MAN'

[kaylar]

If you have a place to go....(1)



I'll deal with the 'easier' way out first...
that is having a place to go.

Before you make your first move, promise
yourself...

"I am leaving. I will NEVER RETURN."

Think of every evil thing he ever did.
Put yourself in those horrible moments
when you cried, when you cowered,
when you felt the pain.

Don't grab at the few 'happy' moments
that become enshrined in memory, painted
prettier than they were.

Don't forget all the ugly things that surrounded
the pretty moment.

What did he say to you, when you got home?
How did he make you feel when he said that
nasty thing in public?

Be honest with yourself. See the times he played
the 'role' of the husband, not was the husband.

Remember that sweet smile on his face when the
police held him, and you croaked from the gurney
in the hospital...'I fell'...
and how he wasn't there to take you home...or
how when you got home he cursed you?

Remember every single horrible thing, and swear
that you will never go back to him.

If you can't do that, it is no sense you leave.
Because you will leave, involved others in your
life, and then crawl back like a worm.

So swear to yourself, no matter what he says
or does, you will never go back.

Make it clear to yourself...
understand...
he doesn't love you, he never loved you, you
are a convenience. You are his punching bag.
You are his slave. You are the only one he
can dominate like this.

So you don't ever think .... oh he loves me...
ohhhh...he changed....oh....he's sorry....
that's worm thoughts.

And you are not a worm.

[kaylar]

If you have a place to go....(2)


Because this man owns your brain, because you are his
zombie, you don't tell him when or where you are going,
and you don't plan on staying with the family or friends
selected for any long period of time.

Write yourself a letter, give copies to your friends
or relatives, and tell them if you think of going back
to him, or are caught up in one of his fantasies, to
read it at the top of their voice.

Having made a plan you have packed your things.

You have packed them in the laundry basket, in
a box somewhere, in an old garbage bag, because
you can not let him know you are leaving, so your
planning and packing has to be done secretly.

Steal some house money put it into an envelope.

Some people paste it on the bottom of a drawer.
Some people but it in plastic in the toilet tank,
some women hide it with their sanitary napkins.

Steal some house money, and hide it, and get
ready.

Because you have family and friends to go to,
you can arrange it like a military campaign.

It can be done during the day when he's
at work, or at night, whenever...just go
and never come back.

Once you're out of the house, if he comes
to someone else's house, they call the police.
You don't need to see him.

You are using this house as a safe place
because you are going to move on.

[kaylar]

If You Don't have a place to go


There are various shelters, and a lot of possibilities.

If you can steal enough money from the housekeeping,
and other bills, you can afford to get on a train,
or a bus, and go away.

It doesn't matter where.
If you don't know where you're going..
then you can't betray it.

Many cities have shelters for battered women.
There are organisations you can find on the
Internet which will help you.

You are not alone, you will not be alone.
Once you get to the city where you have
made contact with a shelter, you're home.

Don't think about him, or anything else.
Think about you.

Take any job you can get just to have
money. Change your name, dye your
hair, whatever it takes.

Each day away from him is a victory.
And if you set yourself a target to
change your appearance, your name
everything about you, each day you
are not that 'worm' woman, is a victory.

Yes, it's hard, but it's not impossible.

Being Mrs. Mary Smith in one city
and become Miss Marti Jones in another
is one big step away from abuse.

Cutting your hair, or letting it grow,
dieting down to a size four or eatting
yourself into a size 12...
wearing makeup or wearing no makeup
Marti is not Mary.

Never will be.

Kill every thought of him or your life
as it pops up. Forget that life.
And when you feel sure of yourself...
you move on.

You might have come to that city
as Mary, you leave as Marti.
And as Marti you go to another city
and build a life, so that even if he
tracks Mary to city one, he won't
be able to track her easily to city
two.

What you want is to be able to
be indifferent to him.

Not hate, not anger, but just not
caring any more.

[kaylar]

Ratios(1)


Although an unattractive statistic, it is usual that as
many years as you were together it takes the same
number to 'get over' the relationship.

Although horrifying, considering that a ten year
relationship takes so long to be passed from the
system, there are tricks you can do to spike the
memories.

Firstly, never remember the 'pretty' moments.
If you start to remember the smile or the kiss
or how he made love, your resolve will weaken.

Line up the most horrid memories;
how he tore the door off the hinges,
how he knocked you down and the fist
coming to your face...

and as soon as a pretty one creeps in, slap it
with a horrid one, in a kind of Pavlovian Dog
salivation, so you can't think of the smile without
seeing the fist, you can't enjoy the memory of
sex without feeling the pain.

So you're watching a movie you had seen with
him, and as the insipid emotions begin, remember
the nasty words he said, the evil he did, and
force yourself to see it.

Eventually, you will psychologically spike the
few sweet memories, so that it is virtually
impossible for you to get a full minute of
Mr. Nice, because as you remember the
kiss, the bite shoves in.

[kaylar]

Ratios(2)


Remember all the foods you used to like to eat?
The shows you watched before he ruined your life?
The music?
The clothes?

Give yourself a retrospective. Go back to the day
before you met him. And start your life again from
that point.

I've known women who met their abuser in college
go back to college in a differenet discipline as if
they were eighteen again, and relive that time.

Why?

Because you are overwriting memories.

Just as you can overwrite a harddrive by reloading
the Operating System, you do the same.

Over write your life with him.

If your relationship began at a sporting event,
go to another one, and become a fan. When
you think of Sports you won't think of that first
match you saw with him, but a different one
you've seen A.H. (after him).

Do things differently.
Create new rituals.

They don't have to last, they just have to
replace. So drink black coffee if you've always
had milk in it, or switch to tea, at least for
a week, so that coffee becomes new and is
no longer charged.

Cut your hair or grow it, dye it or bring it back
to it's original colour.

Be different.

It doesn't matter how trivial. If you usually
watch television before bed, stop. REad instead.
Or watch shows he despised.

Overwrite the memories.

One woman rode on a train going from New York to
Atlanta and back, simply to remove the memory of
the time she rode on the train with her husband.

She carried her kids, and they had a fine time, and
when she thinks of trains...she remembers the fun
the children had.

Sure you'll remember, but new memories replace old.
Sometimes, if you remember a place from your childhood,
which has changed a great deal, and you visit it, you
might have difficulty remembering how it looked when
you were young. You might find yourself 'mixing up'
one with another.

This is what you want to do.

You want to overwrite every memory so that when
you think of snails, you don't remember the escargot
you ate with him, you remember the scungilli you ate
with someone else.

This overwriting speeds the time of healing, and
pushes him farther away from your mind.

[kaylar]

Moving On


When you first leave your abuser, the last thing you
need is a replacement.

You are too fragile to get involved with anyone right
now.

Friends, great...no relationship.

Many women become serial victims leaving one
abuser for another.
Why?

The same reason why you usually buy the
same detergent...you know it.

Give yourself at least two years, if not three
before you reawake your heart.

If you want affairs, fine, as long as you don't
get involved.

Keep everything moving, keep everything in flux.
No big decisions until you are fully you again.

Imagine your marriage similar to a near fatal
accident where you have to relearn how to
walk and talk and write again.

Give yourself convalescent time.

[kaylar]

Avoiding Mistakes


The biggest mistake you can make is ever
going back to him or putting yourself in
some sort of association with him.

Men NEVER change.

They may play a role for a time, they may hide
their faults better but they never change.

The wild guy who gets arthritis is changed
by his disease, but he hasn't changed. If
he can get a cure, he'll be back where he
was.

Nothing really works.

A guy who beat his girlfriend will beat his
first wife, his second, he'll beat every woman
he can.

A guy who is unfaithful to his girlfriend will
cheat on his first wife, second....etc.

You never change a man.

Sure you can change is appearance by picking
out his clothing, and sure you can change how
he speaks, by having him learn proper English,
but he is the same man.

Many men can't take 'losing', so they will do
everything to get back the woman, so they
can win.

They may get her back to dump her, so they
can win. They may get her back to prove she
is a stupid worm and deserves what she gets.

NEVER GO BACK.
BURN YOUR BRIDGES.

You might not be as lucky as Linda who decided
to go back to Jerry, and just as he reached the
house saw him chasing another woman with
a bat in his hand.

She called the police, and drove away, stopping
at a Church.

[kaylar]

Mistake Two


The Second biggest mistake is to grab onto
a rebound lover.

After your husband every semi-decent
guy looks good. But your judgement,
being a bit off, might land you back
into another abusive relations.

Or, you wind up with someone you don't
love, never can love, but have to stay with
because you feel so guilty about it.

Further, if there are children, you can't
have too many new men in and out of
their lives.

They may still love their father, or they
may hate him. They may find any man
around you an enemy, or be so anxious
to get a new father they'll grab onto
anyone.

Be cautious.

Meet men, lots of men, but don't get
serious, don't take them home, and
if you want affairs, have them discreetly,
so that your children never know.

Some women will park the children with
a relative in the early days while they
'make life', and if this is you, then
do what you please.

But if the children are with you, and
there is no convenient relative or summer
camp or sleep over, then no man enters
your house.

Give yourself a few years to learn yourself.
Learn who you are without a man.

Until you learn who you are, avoid becoming
someone else.

[kaylar]

Mistake Three


Never think of 'what could of been' or that you should
of stayed or any reflection on what was.

Move on.
MOVE ON.

The heading should be 'Second Chance.'
You have gotten a second chance.

Don't enshrine any of the old ways, break them.
Make new rituals and references.

Don't feel you have to 'make a go' of where you
arrive. You can move a dozen times. You are in
the 'flux' stage, in which you are not to root yourself.

I think this is one of the hardest lessons to teach yourself.

Many times a woman leaves a man, goes somewhere,
starts a life and feels she must 'commit' to it.

No.
Not yet.

Commit to nothing.
Give yourself permission to make a dozen new starts,
to move as the spirit moves you. You need space. You
need experiences, to leave the house where you lived
with your abuser, and root yourself in the first place
that comes along is simply to perpetuate a kind of
stagnation.

Move as many times as you feel the need to.

Job in another city?
Better opportunities in another place?
Education?

Give yourself time to be 'irresponsible' to be 'free'.

The wisest moves are often after placing the children
in an environment such as with a trusted relative, or
in a boarding school, to allow you to get yourself
together.

If you can not leave the children, don't let them
put down roots. Treat every where you go as
temporary. Make them understand that you are
in transition.

Don't allow them to feel 'insecure', as you are
always there, everything is good.

Eventually you'll find a place you want to be.