[kaylar]

notes from off stage 5



Intellectual abuse is necessary to destroy a woman's
belief in herself. To have her doubt her perceptions.

If you are not sure if you have been abused, then
you certainly have been a victim of intellectual abuse.

One of the reasons why women do not leave the
abuser, is because they don't believe they are
capable of doing it.

They don't know where they will live, how they
will live, because they are not merely financially
dependent on the abuser, they are mentally
dependent.

They have been taught to defer to the husband
for everything from a leaky pipe to what colour
they should paint the bathroom.

They doubt their abilities, believe they are
incapable of taking care of themselves.

This is one of the reasons why the woman
doesn't leave the relationship. She doesn't
believe in herself anymore.

[kaylar]

The Monster Walks


Dee and Mac have been married a few years.
Her life is very dull and boring.

The child does not fill her world, but she is
not allowed to work outside the home.

She spends her days cleaning the house.

Anything not right, Mac will explode.
He will curse her in the worst language.

His curses last a very long time.

He doesn't care if she cries or not.
If she responds he approaches menacingly.

Eventually, he 'can't take it anymore', and
he hits her.

It is her fault for provoking.
He shows remorse.
He begs forgiveness.
He promises it will never happen again.

[kaylar]

notes from off stage 6


We have followed the path of Dee and Mac
from the inception of the relationship until
this moment when Domestic Violence now
exposes itself.

The Monster of Domestic Violence was born
when Mac's eyes saw Dee and he decided he
had to have her.

Mac made the choice.
Dee made no choice.
Dee was swept up.

As if a tsunami came into her life, so did Mac.

This attitude that "the world is the way I want
it to be", and "I must get what I want" are hallmarks
of the abuser.

Mac knew if Dee had time she would realise he was
not Mr. Right, so she got no time. When he was
sure of her love, he broke up with her, to prove it.

The fact he did it, and that she was willing to take
him back, proved his control over her.

Had she refused to take him back, then he might
commence further blandishments, but if unsuccessful
because she
a) got another boyfriend
b) refused to see him and abused and ridiculed him
and had her friends join her,
c) taken legal action to prevent him from accosting her,

Mac would have moved to someone else.
This is because Dee would prove to be poor abuse material.

That he could jerk her leash, force her into a relationship,
throw her out, then pull her back, proved that she was
excellent abuse material.

He began with emotional abuse.

If Dee would have left him directly after his first remarks,
or become cold and as abusive as he was, then the relationship
would either continue sans abuse or end.

That he was able to reduce her to tears confirmed his
control, and then he would move on to other forms of
abuse.

He was successful in separating her from her family.
This is vital. Because once there are others who can
offer opinions, his control is lessened.

If Dee refused to separate from her family and friends,
he would either have to leave or accept his role. He
could not accept a supporting role, and the relationship
would end based on the grounds that she put her family
and friends before him.

His intellectual abuse reduced her to the level of child,
turned him into the parent, and made it an easy transition
from verbal attacks to physical.

His first foray into physical may have frightened him.
May have suggested he could lose Dee.
Hence he had to apologise, he had to do whatever it
was to maintain her in his life.

If she had left, if she responded with violence, the
abuse would end there.

That is because the pattern had not been created.
This was new, there were no indications as to how
she would react to his physical violence.

If she had left, he could not be sure she wouldn't
call the police or hit him with a two by four, or
shoot him, or stab him; so he had to regain the
relationship previous to the physical violence.

If successful, Dee's life will become one of beatings,
forced sex, abuse of all kinds.

Because Mac knows he will get away with it.

[kaylar]

Monster In Control


Dee's life is now based on avoiding another beating.

She has caused Mac to beat her.
He didn't want to.
But she made him.

Anything can set him off.
She has to be careful.

The child is traumatised by seeing his mother
beaten, but as he identifies with the father,
he learns to dislike his mother, to believe what
his father says, and to hold her in contempt.

If he doesn't, he too will be beaten.

If he is beaten, he will identify with the mother
and learn to hate his father.

The least he will learn is how men treat women.
For 'normal' to him, is a man beating a woman.

Dee doesn't look so pretty any more.
Her face and body show signs of abuse.

But she lies.

I fell is the usual remark she makes whenever
she sees a family member or old friend.

She is afraid to tell them the truth.

Mac is not a puny man, he is her captor.
He has all the power in the world.
She is terrified of him.

If her family interfers, it will get worse,
she is sure.

She doesn't leave Mac.
She has 'no where to go'.
She can not believe she can survive
without Mac.

He tells her how she feels, how she thinks,
what she is to do. He owns her. She can
not survive on her own.

She stays until either

a) he kills her
b) he dies
c) she kills him
d) her son grows up and throws him out
e) her son kills him

The person she was who could have calmly
called the police, packed up and left, no longer
exists.

[kaylar]

Understanding Abuse


In understanding the nature of domestic violence
we must first fully comprehend it is not an act
but a process.

As water wears down stone, the abuser wears
down the victim.

It doesn't happen overnight, it takes time.
The victim must internalise the abuse. She
must believe his assessments. She must
accept his determination.

In short, there must be a part of her that
agrees to the treatment.

Whether she says; "Oh, I provoked him,"
or "I'm a fool", or "Let my husband decide,"
she has confirmed the fact that she believes
in her non-personhood.

Many strong women are reduced to being
abused wives because they can't believe
this could happen to them.

"If it were anyone else, yes, it would be
abuse, but because it is me, it is something
else..."

Abusers like the challenge of reducing women,
strong women to their slaves.

The abuser acts on internal impetus.

His mother might have been strong and distant
so he looks for a strong and distant woman to
punish for his mother's neglect.

His father may have abused his mother.

He may have deep seated problems with women.

Whatever it is, he needs a victim.
And she must be the kind of person
he can abuse and get that 'kick' from.

He is not a bold and brave warrior. He wouldn't
touch a woman he didn't have 'ownership' of.
He would be afraid of her, he would be afraid of
another man.

He is the kind who has never been in a fight,
although he might have been bullied.

He is coward.
He can not deal with responsibility.
He troubles nothing that could hurt him.

He is attracted to his victim in a kind of fixation/
obsession based on whatever it is she reveals
that captures him.

Often, it is the independent woman. The woman
who is in charge, who knows what is going on.
If he can absorb her, he gains her 'power.'

His pursuit is almost mindless. There is nothing he
would not do to get her. He must get her. If she,
off put by his attempts, refuses to become involved,
he may pursue her for years.

Sometimes he gives up when it is clear she is not
going to succumb or becomes someone he does
not want.

In many cases, however, he is successful, and he
does get the victim to fall in love with him by
becoming whatever it is she wants.

His jerking of her chain at that point, is almost
automatic. He needs to be sure. He needs to
confirm that she does love him.

He needs to know she loves him. He needs to
prove it, and his proof must cause her pain.

Breaking off with her, to cause her pain, is the
first evidence of abuse. He must do something
to prove he 'controls' her emotions.

The fact this action comes before the relationship
is the first signal that this is a relationship one
need not enter.

[kaylar]

Check List


IN THE BEGINNING


1. Intensity of Pursuit


Is there something strange about his seduction?
Is it overwhelming, smothering, too much too soon?


2. Toying with Emotions


Does the relationship have incredible ups and downs
where there are illogical breakups, reunions, arguments
about nothing which are followed by intense make ups?
So that you have no idea where the relationship is from
day to day?


3. Overwhelming Confusion/Disruption of Life


Has your life 'gone crazy' since you met him?
Things that were important no longer matter?
Places you were supposed/things you were to
do are delegated to conform to his wishes?



If any of these points seems to apply to you
you may very well be entering an abusive
relationship.

One of the main precursors to establishing
an abusive relationship is to disrupt the victim's
life to the extent that the life he creates
obliterates the past.

Like clearing a field, your life needs to be
cleared for him to do all planting.

Time for reflection can not be allowed, there
must be a constant pressure in which the
choice is immediate; him or.....?

To keep a victim off balance the proto-abuser
deliberately and continually changes the relationship.
He may say, 'let's just be friends', and after the
woman cries, embrace and commence sex.

He may say he wants to marry her, and then
take another woman on a date.

Everything must be done to distort the victim's
perceptions so that she literally doesn't know
if she is coming or going.

[kaylar]

The Honeymoon


1. Inappropriate and hurtful remarks


Does he say things which reduce you to tears?
Are his remarks 'benignly' insulting?


2. Rule Changing


Does it seem that as soon as you learn 'the game'
he changes the rules?


3. Making no Sense


Does he come up with illogical and insane
ideas, thoughts, actions, in which you are
impelled to go along?



If you feel 'off balance' in a relationship,
where he might react angrily if you buy
him a gift, or after demanding you go
Vegan, bring home a steak, you are in a
relationship with a man who needs to control
your very thoughts.

He must, at all times be 'unpredicable', so that
you never can establish any pattern, and remain
rather uncertain at all times.

This, of course, weakens you, which is the
reason for the constant shifts.

[kaylar]

Escape


At this point, getting out of the relationship is
easy. Very little of your life has been invested
in this relationship.

Your past life is retrievable, and your core
personality has not be overwritten by him.

Many women who go on to be full victims
reflect back on a point early in the relationship,
in which they realise; 'this is not my life', and
actually had the chance to get out.

If the relationship is new, and you are experiencing
any of the previous points, get out. Cut your
losses, and get out.

Do not wait to see how it goes, to think you are
being hasty. Wherever you are in your head at
the moment you feel this is not your life, go with
it.

Maybe some other year you will feel different,
but you are here now. Deal with what you feel
now.

The signs mentioned above might seem trivial
or 'everyone' experiences them. This is not
true.

[kaylar]

A Normal relationship

For Contrast purposes; this is a more normal
relationship; again I use composites.

Ann saw Tom and felt an electric shock, and
had the feeling Tom felt the same. Somehow
they wound up standing together, talking and
went for coffee.

On her way home Ann realised she had not
exchanged phone numbers, and the following
day went back to the coffee shop, in vain hope.

As she entered, a waitress asked if she were 'Ann'
and when she agreed, gave her a note from Tom
in which he left his number, and invited her to
a minor function they had mentioned in the
previous days talk.

She thought of calling him, went back and forth
a few times, then did, and they spoke for a few
minutes, and she felt she could have stayed on
the phone for hours, but was a little unsure if
she should.

They went out and it was very pleasant, they
talked about everything, each of them sharing,
and she wanted to see Tom again.

Tom was really attracted to Ann. She was perfect
to him. It was so easy being with Ann. He could
be himself. He wondered if she really liked him.

Over time, they got closer, and were almost at the
stage of discussing marriage, before they had sex.

They introduced each other to their respective
families and friends and many dates were with
other couples.

Everyone was sure they were going to get married
before Ann revealed the engagement.

They discussed everything, from working to children,
to where and how they would live.

Disagreements were met with compromises,
often with a third possibility. No one was
trying to 'win' or get their way. Ann and Tom
were always trying to make the best decisions,
for both of them.

[kaylar]

Two People


In Ann and Tom's relationship; 'mutuality'
continues to be displayed.

Ann feels attraction, so does Tom.
The relationship moves along, both
people at the same stage as it advances.

There is no attempt by one to overpower
the other, to force anything. Everything
moves in slow set pattern.

Communication is key, there are many people
around the couple who are part of their
lives.

This is not a 'secret' affair, the relationship
is 'public', and there is no exclusion.

Neither is trying to have the other all to
himself, or force their beliefs, or create
dramas.

Their relationship unfolds like a flower, and
each is concerned that the other is at the
same place.

This is how two people come together as
two people, not as an abuser and a victim.