[kaylar]

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[kaylar]

Opening Moves


Mac literally swept Dee off her feet.
Coming from nowhere, suddenly everywhere,
Dee had never been so 'courted'.

The seduction of Dee was unrelenting, and
all her friends thought it so sweet.

Obviously, Mac was totally besotted with
Dee and couldn't live without her.

Dee felt a little 'guilty'. She didn't love
Mac, not the way he loved her. But
adored being the centre of his universe,
and loved feeling she had the upper hand.

There was a basic discordance between
Dee and Mac; one of those obvious difference,
but; so what?

Dee decided that Mac was the man she was
meant to spend the rest of her life with.

Shortly after that, Mac broke up with her
based on the basic discordance.

This made no sense, and Dee, who had just
opened her heart to Mac was devastated.

She cried her heart out, and went sadly
home.

In a few hours, Mac called, and bouyantly
happily, decided that nothing would stop
them.

Dee had been thrown into the pit of
despair, now rescued by Mac who wanted
to marry her.

Caught in an emotional tsunami, unable to
gain purchase, she was swept into Mac's
life.

[kaylar]

notes from off stage 1


I underlined certain key words to give you a
peep into one of the basic tactics of an abuser.

Firstly, the suddeness.

This is not a relationship that built up over
time; this is unexpected. Either 'Mac' is
a stranger, or a friend of a friend, someone
who was never considered as possible 'mate'
material.

The sheer intensity of Mac's courtship confuses
the mind. As Mammals we have the recognition
factor. We recognise our family, our friends,
people we see every day, and know how much
our how little of ourselves we share.

We are disconcerted by the stranger on the train
who opens a lively discussion with us, who smiles
and includes us into their contemplation. We don't
know how to respond.

This confusion...(do I know this person? is he
mistaking me with someone else? Who is he?
How should I respond?)...leaves one vulnerable.

The autonomic...fight/flight --- friend/foe ---
system is put out of whack.

One really doesn't know how to respond, and
Mac is given the initiative.

Usually there is a basic discordance between
Mac and Dee.

It could be colour, class, religion, politics,
something that is there before they met,
there during their relationship, so that
breaking up with Dee because of that
basic discordance makes no sense.

Nothing has changed, nothing has happened.
There is no logic in starting the relationship
and ending it.

The confusion is what is desired.

Dee is not permitted time to think.
To analyse, things happen so quickly
she is rushed along, her will is overborne.

Her emotions are tortured.
She doesn't know how she feels
Why she feels...
even what she feels...
Mac is in charge.
Mac has created the relationship.
Mac has ended the relationship.
Mac has restarted the relationship.

Mac holds the ascendent.
Mac is in charge.

[kaylar]

The Honeymoon


Dee and Mac are lying in bed a few
days after they have begun their
lives together.

Dee embraces Mac;

"I love you," she says.

Mac says nothing.

"Do you love me?" she asks.

"No, but I love." he replies.

Dee feels she is going to be sick. She leaps
up, crying, asking him what he means, he
lies relaxed, reaches out to console her,
feeling in control.

A few days later, after a little dinner party
Mac muses;

"I should of married your sister."

Dee is nearly knocked off her feet.

Mac is as calm as had he quoted the time.
Dee is hysterical. She can not understand
why he would say such a thing.

He tries to console her.

She is upset, she doesn't know what to do
or think, her world is spinning.

Mac holds her in his arms, lets her sob
on his chest.

[kaylar]

notes from off stage 2


The words may be different, the reaction is not.
The male says something designed to cause the
female emotional anguish.

It could be anything, the purpose is to reduce her
to tears and console her.

His victory, his joy, is to be able to say something
which will cut her like a knife. His victory, his joy,
is to be the strong arms which console her.

If she gets angry, marches out, leaves him, he
loses. And he will then devote every breath to
getting her back.

Not because he loves her, but because he can
not lose.

Usually, he has judged well. He has so twisted
her emotions that she can not pull back and
think...'what in hell am I doing in bed with this
creep?'....

Why?

She feels guilty and beholden to him.

Guilty because she didn't love him as much as
he loved her. Beholden, because his courting
behaviour was so elaborate that she can only
feel 'unworthy' of such affection.

She has not yet found her feet in this whirlwind
relationship, while he seems to know exactly what
he wants.

In any situation, where one party knows what he
or she wants and the other is uncertain, the one
who knows takes the initiative.

He is the rock, she is the river. She flows, he
stands.

His words were designed to test his emotional
hold over his wife. If successful, that is reducing
her to tears, he knows he has the power.

Emotional abuse is the first step in the Domestic
Violence process.

Domestic Violence is a process. It is not an action.
It is a process in which the wife is reduced to a
victim who, in many ways, is made a co-conspirator
in her abuse.

It doesn't happen over night.

[kaylar]

Settling In


Dee and Mac have been together for a few months.

Mac decides that Dee's friends do not mean her
any good. He berates them, alternatly ridiculing
and patronising of her.

She doesn't know, she is not perceptive, and he
gives contemptuous critiques of those in her circle.

Her attempts to defend them are met by his glare,
his frown, as he looks at her, as if saying; "you're
not the bright woman I thought you were,"

Mac doesn't have to say these people should not
ever be in his home. He doesn't have to.

Dee doesn't want to displease him.
Maybe he is right.
She doesn't know what to do.

She thinks, maybe, she should get rid of her
friends, after all, Mac is her husband. She
must chose him over everyone.

She learns to lie to her friends, to disconnect
from them, and her family follows.

"Your mother never liked me,"
"Your brother is trying to break us up"

Dee realises that it has become Mac or the
World, so she must chose Mac.

After all Mac has had some rough patches
in his life. She can not make him feel that
she likes her friends or family as much as
she likes him. She must build up his confidence.
She can't betray him.

So, she makes the choice.
Mac over all.

[kaylar]

notes from off stage 3



Mac, having acheived all he can in emotional
control, now needs to prevent Dee from gaining
any confirmation outside of him.

He must cut her away from her friends and family
so that she can not review his behaviour with
anyone.

He will, pre-during-after this separation of Dee
and family/friends make a number of pronouncements,
mostly concerning 'house business'.

One is never to discuss 'House Business."

This heading contains everything from what he
had for breakfast to what colour they will paint
the living room, to his opinion on current events.

Everything is house business.

It is very important to censure Dee's conversation
so that the separation between her and her friends
and family is not that sharp.

After all, she's had nothing to say for the past
five meetings, she doesn't complain about anything.
Nothing to worry about.

She never calls, but when a friend calls her, she
acts as if it is an interruption, so the friend feels
that Dee no longers wants to continue the friendship.

The family wonders if they have 'interferred' too much
and assume if anything happens, Dee will call.

There is no sign or symbol that all is not fine over at
Dee's residence. Married people often want to be
alone. Nothing strange about that.

What will become strange in reflection, is that
Dee has no outside contact. That Mac is the only
person whose views she can obtain.

Mac becomes her conduit to the world.

[kaylar]

Barefoot and Pregnant


It is imperative for Mac to impregnant Dee as quickly
as possible. This is to bind her to the house, to prevent
her from working or having any reason to leave.

If she doesn't become pregnant immediately, he
works very hard to insure she does, sex takes up
much of their time together. They are virtually
always in bed.

It is not the sex why Mac is there, it is the need
to gain that all important 'warden', the child.

If Dee doesn't become pregnant in the year, he will
begin to punish her because her liklihood of escape
is enhanced.

He will make her feel deformed and despised.
The longer it takes for her to get pregnant,
the more abuse, skipping to the final chapters
in quick pace.

If she does become pregnant within the first year,
he exalts her beyond all women. He worships her.

Dee is confused, doesn't know how to handle this
adoration. If she mentions frog's legs, he will go
out in a hurricane, and not return until he has
gotten them.

She can not believe her blessing in having a man
like Mac.

There is no one in Dee's world except Mac and
her Ob-gyn. And he must hear every word said
to her, and analyse and decide.

The family is ecstatic, and Mac will take her on
'tours' where he watches her like a hawk and no
one is allowed to speak with her beyond his hearing.

The baby is born and Dee is to stay home and
take care of the baby. That is her complete role.

Family and friends are allowed supervised visits,
but then, Mac demands they stop.

"Germs"
"Stupid advice"
"Confusing the Baby"

various remarks which do not admit the obvious...
"I need you to be segregated from all living."

As the infant grows, Mac begins to demand more
of Dee. He is feeling neglected. The child is now
to be allowed to cry, if Mac wants sex, or a cup
of tea.

Mac begins to see the child as a threat to his power.
Then, he decides to have the child bond with him.

There are many actions he will perform to attempt
to connect the child to him sans Dee. Whether
taking him out for hours, constantly holding him,
feeding him, making the bond father/baby strong
or stronger than mother/baby.

[kaylar]

notes from off stage 4


Mac needs to fully 'own' Dee.
He needs a reason why she must be locked
in a pumpkin shell with no outside contact.

A baby is the perfect solution.

Not only will Dee be somewhat 'handicapped' for
a few months, but then incarcerated with the
infant for a few more.

He needs to bond with the child so as to
turn him/her against Dee. To gain a useful
spy and ally who will 'report' to him.

His public bonding with the child is merely to
gain the remarks that Mac is a good father.
For what he needs, and what he has obtained
up to present are the accolades of society.

He was an attentive boyfriend, a constant lover,
a wonderful husband, a good provider, and now,
a great father.

[kaylar]

Unleashing the Monster


Dee's opinions and ideas are instantly discarded.
She knows nothing, she has been no where.
All she does is stay home and change nappies.

He needs the stimulation of intelligent people,
and will start to invite them home, where he
can exhibit his wife and child.

His wife is often ridiculed and if she responds,
he will look at his friends, and either suggest
they go elsewhere, or patronise Dee.

Later, he will verbally abuse her.

"Keep your mouth shut. Don't make people know
how stupid you are."

In fact, stupid is her new name.

Everyso often he will enfold her and ask; "Why
do I put up with you?"

Dee, who has had very little outside inputs can
not be certain her opinions or ideas aren't stupid.

Mac has lots of opinions and ideas,which he propounds.

But he changes them often, just in case she might
take them up.

Dee is to appreciate, she is stupid, helpless, she
needs Mac, and is lucky she has him.