[kaylar]

Direction of Anger



One of the 'give aways', in abusive relationships
is the direction of anger.

Is he angry about....
or is he angry at his wife?

Dee was unable to pay the light bill. Is Mac
angry that she was unable to pay the bill, or
is he angry at Dee?

From the example, you know he will be cursing
Dee, not the fact the bill was not paid.

There are two different subjects here.
Dee is not the light bill.
Dee is not the non-payment of the bill.
Mac's anger is directed at Dee.

Tom would be upset that the bill was not paid.
Ann would explain why she was unable to pay
the bill. Tom would not take out his anger on
Ann, he would not think she had done it deliberately
or was so stupid as to let the due date slip.
The fact the person who was unable to pay the bill
happened to be Ann is not the direction of his
disappointment.

Many abused wives can not see the difference
between being angry about or being angry at
as they have come to accept everything as their
fault.

A blizzard; her fault she didn't buy extra heating
oil.

A flat tyre, her fault not to have checked the tires.

The neighbor is angry because the dog messed on
his yard; it is her fault.

Non abused wives shrug; so I missed paying the
bill. Yawn. Well, who would have known there
would be a blizzard? Ho hum. Well, flat tyres
happen all the time. The dog is just too young
to know better. My fault? What? Don't be crazy.

Abused wives are terrified if anything goes wrong.
They know they will be punished.

She trembles when his boss picks up the baby,
just incase it pukes on him; it will be her fault.

She holds her breath when she puts that plate
of food in front of him. If it isn't perfect, she'll
wear it.

She practises how she will tell him about some sort
of set back, casting her mind around for a
scapegoat, finding someone else to blame, so that
she can tell him in the tone of voice, with the words
which will direct his anger away from her.

For that is the key feature of abusive relationships,
anger at, not about.

[kaylar]

To Understand


To truly understand domestic violence, one needs
to appreciate the alteration in perception that
the abuser causes the abused.

Things which seem to be trivial might be triggers
in the relationship, and those within do not see
anything strange about their behaviour.

The first thing one needs to do is to recognise
themselves or their friends, as abused. Once
this is accomplished, (easier seen in friends than
in self) then one can begin the slow process in
which the abused person can extract themselves
from the relationship.

In some cases this is not easy.

The abuser, accustomed to his punching bag,
to his belief in his power, does not let her go
easily.

Her first battle is with herself.

She must be able to view herself as she is,
in the relationship she is in. Not the imaginery
world in which she has survived.

[kaylar]

Rita & Herb


Rita married a Jamaican man.
She was not Jamaican, and came
to live with him in Jamaica.

They resided in an enclave, and she
did not know her neighbors, nor did
they want to know her.

The few people she encountered
were off put by her, and so she
went on year to year, thinking that
what she was experiencing was
normal.

She had never lived with a man
before, she had nothing to compare
Herb's treatment of her with, and
because she had no friends, she couldn't
perceive that maybe she was in an
abusive relationship.

She obtained a jobette and met others
and somehow found herself at a woman's
conference, in a lecture on domestic
violence.

In shock, she saw this stranger describing
her life.

It was almost as if there was a hidden
camera in her house.

At the end of the lecture, she made her
way to the speaker, invited her over at
a time Herb would be at work.

The stranger visited one afternoon, and
without talking personally, asked questions.

After the stranger had gone, Rita realised
she was an abused wife and had to get out
of the relationship.

There was no where for her to go.
Except out of Jamaica.

She waited another few years, slowly
withdrawing her affection from Herb
until she saw him as a prisoner would
see a warder.

When their daughter was old enough
to go to University, it was decided to
send her to Canada.

Rita took it upon herself to go with
the daughter and settle her in.

Because she had never given Herb
any reason to doubt her, he had no
problem in this journey.

Once Rita was abroad, she found
reasons why she would not return,
all concerning the daughter, but
really concerning herself.

Rita was able to escape Herb
because by appreciating her situation,
she could retract the binding affection
she had harboured for him in such a
manner that he was totally unsuspecting.

This is, of course, not open to everyone,
but the facts are global;

once she realised her situation, she could
begin to regain 'normal' perceptions, and to
think logically, and to make opportunities to
escape.

[kaylar]

The Mirror


Many victims of abuse do not realise their situation.
Once they do, the hardest task is to regain what
can be called a 'normal' perceptive.

If you grew up in a house where people kissed
each other good bye, you would find it perfectly
normal. If you grew up in a house where the
people were distant, then you would see this
as a pecular custom.

The same with abuse.

Once you recognise the situaiton you are in is
not normal, and you begin to locate 'normal' and
teach yourself 'normal', you can disassociate
yourself from your situation.

This kind of detachment is necessary to leave
abuse. You must first understand your position
before you can escape it.

Changing an abusive husband is impossible.
Nothing works.
Counselling is a bandaid.
It might seem to work for a time, because the
wife avoids every possible 'trigger', but one day
he will revert, because he can not feel good about
himself unless he makes her feel bad.

Escaping the relationship is the only option.
How you do it, is the key feature.

[kaylar]

And The Children?


The real danger of domestic violence is not simply
that the man may kill the woman.

She, who lived a fairly normal life until marriage
has wound up in an abusive situation, and not
only doesn't leave, but brings children into it.

Children who will be corrupted by this unnatural
relationship between the parents,and might also
become targets of the abuse.

Men who beat their wives usually beat their
children. So the woman has now supplied new
victims.

Even if he does not physically abuse them, if
it is 'only' verbal, that will still permanently
scar them.

They may grow up with a lack of self confidence,
which will handicap them. They may grow up to
be foul mouthed and violent.

The girls will believe that the relationship between
the abusive father and punching bag mother is normal.

Many will become battered wives, because this is what
they have been taught.

The boys will learn to be abusive. This is how a man
acts.

So it is no longer the woman victim who 'survives'
the abuse, it is the woman victim who becomes
a co-conspirator in the destruction of her children.

[kaylar]

He Comes First....


Claire Bloom began a relationship with Philip Roth.

He decided that she should get rid of her daughter
by a previous relationship.

She sent her own child to live with others because
he demanded this.

He later left Bloom, feeling quite pleased with himself.

A mother gives away her child as if an old pair of
shoes because the guy she's screwing demands it.

Yes, it is not the worst story.

We've heard of women killing their children to
please the man who is screwing them.

But the princple remains...
and the question...

How is it possible for a mother to dispose of her
children to please a man?

[kaylar]

Sake Of The Kids?


Never stay together for the Sake of the
Children,
Part for the Sake of the Children.

Barbara could have taken the abuse until
Her husband killed her. But because her
son was so traumatised by seeing his
mother beaten, she left her husband.

Barbara left her husband for the sake
of her son, and never went back.

Sure it was hard.

Barb didn't have a 'support' network.
She had friends who gave her a few
days sufference here and there.

They moved a great deal, but survived.

For Barbara it wasn't her physical pain
that was 'important', it was the psychological
health of her son.

Women who 'stay' with their abuser for the
sake of the child risk raising damaged children.

Children so traumatised by violence, children
confused by the relationship between men
and women, children who live in fear.

Don't underestimate the fear...
for that shapes their character for the
rest of their lives.

[kaylar]

Messed up Kid


John was the child of domestic violence.
He'd grown up hearing his mother scream
and cry, seeing his father pummel her with
full fists, and evil face.

He was as terrified of his father as if that
was a deamon.

Yet....
Johnny's father had been his chief nurturer.

When Johnny was born, his father, Steve, to spite
his mother, undertook all care.

Steve carried Johnny everywhere, made himself
the sole connection. Although his mother did
as much as she could, it was always his father.

He would sleep in his father's arms, cry, and
be instantly picked up by his father, who carried
him around like an amulet.

His father was his safety, his world.
Until his parent's separated, and he was
sent to live with his paternal Grandmother
during the early confusion.

As many abusers, John's Father, Steve, had
his 'good side'. He could be happy and playful
and generous, and so nice.

Johnny missed his father, but his Grandmother
was very good at 'weaning' him from Steve.

It was not difficult, as Grandmother was always
the same, but Steve was not.

Steve could go from one mood to another
in an instant.

This morning's joke reaped slaps
and verbal abuse.

Johnny learned never to trust his father.
No sense in it.
No sense in trusting anyone, for his Grandmother
let him go live with his father.

His Grandmother, whom he thought would
protect him, did not.

Johnny went to live with his father and his
father's new wife and new children.

Steve, who had in early years been so central
so all encompassing, now was more interested
in his new children.

Johnny felt rejected, betrayed, and realised his
mistakes.

He had loved his grandmother, but she let him
down. He taught himself to never let down his
guard again.

Johnny was a withdrawn child.
Never happy, always suspicious.

Teachers who tried to be nice were
treated as deceitful, for Johnny knew
there was an ulterior motive, knew
they would only be nice so as to make
the abuse surprising.

He never went out for sports or anything.
He kept to himself. He was very quiet.
The one time he acted out at school
he was punished, so he never ever acted
out again.

He knew he was wrong.
Not wrong to have fought, or wrong to
have spoken, wrong to interact with other
people.

He blamed himself for all that befell him.
If he had left school earlier, he wouldn't
have been the target of the other boys.

If he had not gone into the lunchroom
he'd not have been insulted.

Staying alone was safe.

After a beating, he ran away, went to
his Grandmother, who took him in. He
felt partially safe, but never forgave her
for 'making' him go to live with his father.

When he got older he moved far away
from his father, and stopped communicating
with him, though he spoke to his grandmother.

He didn't like his mother because she was
an example of all he didn't want to be.

Because he was afraid he would be violent
like his father if he got angry, Johnny worked
on never getting angry.

He became unable to express feelings.
Feelings were bad.
Sarcasm, doubt, coldness, dissmissiveness
were good.

Johnny never opened himself.
No one could hurt Johnny.
Johnny didn't give.

He met a woman from abroad who wanted
to stay in America. She had money so
bought a house, married him, and stayed
with him until she got citizenship.

He took what she had, and when she left
him, because he had never allowed himself
to feel more than a simple 'liking', was not
very upset.

He had never invited anyone to their
wedding, not even his grandmother,
and didn't mention the divorce.

Everything happened 'around' him.
Nothing happened 'to' him.

When his grandmother died, he was very
upset...
then, anxious about the 'Will'....
because even though he loved his grandmother
more than anyone else in the world...
his love was so thin and limited that he could
switch from grief to anger about the Will that
didn't exist within minutes.

Johnny is in his thirties.
He has never truly loved nor trusted anyone
in his life.
He lives for himself.
He takes from others if he can.
His idea of a relationship is to see how much
he can get for how little he gives.

Relationships are never deep.
And he trusts no one.

Had his mother had the courage to have
left his father when he was a baby, things
would have been different.

He would have never been succored by his
father to the extent that he formed the
stronger bond, a bond formed which was only
a smokescreen in the war between the parents.

Johnny's mother had waited too long to leave.

[kaylar]

Where It Went Wrong


Dot, John's mother, can reflect back today...
and pinpoint where it went wrong.

Of course, that is no help to Johnny.

It went wrong when Steve, to spite her,
made John the 'center' of his life.

Steve, like many abusers, uses just about
everything as a weapon.

To hurt Dot, to demean her, to undercut her
is the purpose. John was another object to
use.

Steve could, as many abusers, focus on his
tactic to such extent that one might really
believe that there was a point in all of it.

He had done it with his chair, he had done
it with the television, he had done it with
everything in the house.

Now he did it with Johnny.

He wanted to make Johnny love him more
than he loved Dot. He wanted to punish
Dot by preventing bonds from being made.

When Dot escaped his brutality, leaving
everything, Steve 'won'.

But shortly, Steve realised he had no one
to impress any more. There was no 'enemy'
to vanquish.

Because custody was an issue, Johnny went
to live with Steve's mother. This was okay
because it took the burden off of Steve, and
to be honest, he didn't really want to be
lugging around a kid when there were women
other there he could be screwing.

When he found one to marry, and she had
their first child, he decided to bring in 'his'
child, and so, he took Johnny from his mother
and dumped him on his new wife and new baby,
so that she would be virtually chained in the
house, and Steve could go about his business
of screwing other women.

As Johnny resembled his mother, and Dot had
escaped him, he would punish Johnny for Dot.

Dot tried to gain custody, which made Johnny
important, so Steve moved around alot.

Dot, in another marriage, with another child,
was not going to deprive or destroy her new
family by continuing cat and mouse with Steve.

Had she left with Johnny when he was an infant
the situation would have been different, but when
Dot escaped the brutality of Steve, it had been
running for her life in the middle of the night with
only the clothes on her back, and it had taken
some time for her to gain the strength to become
a real person again.

There is no question that the Dot who ran into
the night was so demeaned and humiliated and
weakened by Steve that she was scarcely able
to take care of herself.

Not leaving Steve before she became pregnant,
or in the early stages, was the real error. Letting
the abuse erode her identity had made her incapable
of being a person, much less a mother.

[kaylar]

Invisible Victim


Johnny is one of the invisible victims of domestic violence.

He's not blowing away his classmates, he's not using drugs,
he's not writing books.

Johnny is a young man whose entire life as been perverted
by the violence he saw at home.

He's ignorable, quiet, withdrawn, does not draw attention
to himself. His normal expression is somber.

He doesn't have much of a sense of humour or personality
skills, and has made so few friends in his life that he virtually
doesn't exist.

His sibling, Mike, born to his mother and her second husband,
is a confident lovable person, with a ready smile,
who draws people to him.

He has had girlfriends and married, and is a father, and is
a perfectly normal man.

He is nothing like Johnny.

Mike has never seen his father beat his mother,
never hear loud violent arguments, never lived
in fear, never been smothered only to be abandoned.

Had Dot left Steve earlier, instead of 'staying for
the sake of the child', then perhaps Johnny's life
wouldn't be so sad and empty.

Johnny is the result of staying in an abusive relationship
because of a child.