[kaylar]

Feeling Less


Twenty five years after they had divorced, Ed sent
Jo an email.

She not only read it, she analysed it, and could
explain exactly why he wrote it, what meant by
it...
Jo was a battered wife.
Having learned how to survive, she knew more
of Ed than he did himself.

Crafting a response, knowing exactly how he would
reply, she smiled when she received his next email...
knowing that no matter what she wrote, he would
not reply.

Ed's second wife had divorced him, taken everything,
and because he needed to feel good about himself
he turned back to Jo.

He needed to reduce Jo to some level of inferiority
and would use emails for his brand of 'verbal' abuse.

He didn't respond to Jo's message, (as she expected)
nor did she write another, (as he expected), she could
almost mark a calendar as to when his next post would
come....one month later...and it's contents...some sort
of demand/requirement/order that she do/go/say something.

When the email came, Jo did not answer right away as
expected. She let 24 hours pass and took the con of
his pros.

As he had simply written to get her to do/go/say and
as she knew she would not do/go/say, she could create
more logically reasons as to why she would not.

He responded quickly because he felt his 'control' slipping.
That he had lost 'control' of Jo more than 25 years ago
was unknown to him.

As an abuser, Ed, could not comprehend that he had
'lost' and that there was no way for him to 'win'.

After a period of silence, Jo wrote him a vague email,
knowing he would not respond, but that he would
write again in two months.

It was ten words.
She answered in six.
He wrote back five
she answered in one.

His next email was his hallmark.
Crafted to make her feel bad about herself.

Jo knew this was coming.
And was surprised when for the next few
minutes she felt as bad as he intended.

Remarkable, she thinks, realising that he still
had that vicious streak in which he could only
feel good about himself by trying to demean her.

Abusive Husbands never change.
They must, at all times, feel superior to
the women in their ambit.
No matter what it is, they must demean.

If she won a beauty contest, he would mention
there were prettier women in the array.
If she won the Nobel Prize, he would say it
was a slow year.

No matter what it is, he must seek to demean.

Jo responded saying; "For a moment, but just
a moment, I thought it was 25 years ago."

For a moment, Jo was cast back into that
posture of Worm Woman. But just a moment.

[kaylar]

Verbal Adultery


Curtis was an urbane, courteous gentleman. I was looking
forward to working with him.

We met for a business lunch and virtually as soon as he
sat down, he began wife bashing.

I tried to deflect, but as soon as possible, returned to his
topic.

Wife-bashing is usually followed by an invitation to a sexual
tryst, so I waited for him to get around to the denouement.

He continued on and on listing his wife's faults, I stopped
him, diverted to business.

After a few non-commital responses, he returned to his
topic, and i brought the lunch to a close.

As I departed I assumed I had truncated his preface, and
that he had spent so much time wasting time, he could
not reach the point of all this bashing...that is...to invite
me to a tryst.

A week later, he virtually insisted I drive with him to
the all important meeting. I, assuming he wished to
discuss his matter, agreed.

After a few amenities, he resumed his wife bashing.
As if he had bookmarked his conversation, he picked
up at the last statement he had made.

I stopped him, diverted to business. A few remarks
and then back to the bashing.

I interrupted with a few remarks concerning current
events, and issues, politely, but firmly, attempting to
telegraph to him that I was not interested in his
dissection of his wife, nor the invitation to the sexual
tryst I assumed he was leading up to.

He seemed unable to speak about anything but his
wife. And I was reaching my level of saturation when
we arrived.

He seemed to wish to postpone decisions and I assumed
he would to discuss them in depth on the way back.

No.

He wanted to continue to wife bash.

I demanded he stop or I would jump out of the vehicle.
He stopped, and lapsed into silence.

Reaching my destination I left him, quite puzzled at his
behaviour, and decided that the next meeting, if any
would be in the presence of his wife.

Another woman who did business with him rang me up
to ask about him. She too had her ears banged about
his wife, not about the stocks he wished to buy or requests
for investment advice. He attended this woman's office
took her for a business lunch, and spent the hour bashing
his wife.

She, as I, assumed this was the prologue to the sexual
invitation. She, as I met him a second time, for business,
and he again resumed his verbal crucifixion of his wife.

Curtis is an abusive husband. There is no question that
his verbal abuse of his wife, in her presence as well as
behind her back is domestic violence.

But for Curtis it is something more.
It is a kind of adultery.

[kaylar]

Cyber/Imaginery adultery

Those of us who spend time on line are familiar with 'cyber-sex',
and possibly have the experience of cyber adultery.

Cyber sex is no different than phone sex or any other fantasising.
It means nothing.

Cyber adultery, just like Curtis' wife bashing means something.

This is not the silly descriptions of sexual acts. This is a betrayal
of a wife or husband.

Curtis would bash his wife, and we, who were familiar with this
method, waited for the next shoe to drop. It didn't. He was
fully satisfied simply by bashing his wife. By saying ugly things
about her to other women.

Where married men usually start the litany leading up to the sexual
proposal, Curtis got off on verbally abusing his wife, on betraying
maritial intimacies.

On line, the intimate discussion is often almost embarrasingly
personal. And the fact is, to share that kind of personal information
is far more serious then the 'talk dirty'.

[kaylar]

Serena has a very shallow mouth, almost impossible
to take a dental x-ray as the film insertion caused
her to gag.

She married George who was the archetypical abuser,
going through the 'text' book steps one by one;
emotional/intellectual/segregation/spiritual...and
adding sexual.

Sexual abuse is one of those areas which is usually
lumped in with physical abuse. But it should be dealt
with in it's own category.

The idea that once a woman consents to marriage she
gives a blanket consent to all forms of sex on demand
has been overruled by the House of Lords in England.

Marriage is not slavery.
A woman can exert authority over her body.
Most women don't.

Most women don't because of the fear...
"If I don't (fill in) he will get it from someone else."

This mentality does NOT belong in a mutual relationship.
It is better confined to slavery or wage slavery or some
form of competition.

The thought that:

"If I don't (fill in) he will get it from someone else."

Suggests a relationship in which the female is the property
of the male and must 'please' him at all costs dare she
be 'sold south', or 'fired', or 'rejected'.

This idea of woman as property of the man exists not
just in Saudi Arabia, but in the United States.

In the case of Serena and George he demanded oral
genital stimulation, (blow jobs) and began to strike
her when she gagged.

She left the marriage due to his abuse, the punches
he gave her when she gagged, the final straw.

But the fact was, that at the inception of the relationship,
when it was clear that Serena had a very shallow mouth,
if George had loved her, even a little, he would have not
demanded this form of 'pleasure' because his 'pleasure'
caused her great discomfort.

The hallmark of an abuser is when he requires some sort
of 'tribute' which causes the victim to experience discomfort.

Like forcing a wife who is afraid of the sea to join him on a
row boat, the mere contemplation suggests a non-mutual
relationship.

George became 'addicted' to blow jobs because his wife
could not give him what he wanted. He could have easily
paid for the service elsewhere if it were so important to
his life, but he did not. He needed Serena to perform, and
when she gagged, she was 'punished'.

Serena was fortunate in that her ego had not been so eroded
by George that she felt 'unable' to leave.

Most abusers are not as artless as George, they put more
effort into the personality erosion before moving to the
physical abuse.

By destroying the personality of the victim first, the
result would be Serena feeling that she 'had to' please
George instead of pulling back and thinking, 'what am I
doing here with this guy?'

Many abusers enjoy sexually abusing their victims
because it is one of those 'complicit' arenas.

Wife, afraid that
"If I don't (fill in) he will get it from someone else."
tries to perform as best she can, never reaching the
stage of; "Go and get it from someone else."

[frogger]

Thank-You

As someone who just 'discovered' that her marriage is an abusive one, I found this article very confirming to my situation. Thank-You.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Kaylar,

I will never forget your words to me when i joined...

Whilst i was quite hurt, but non - shallot so to speak, being strong, it made my day, helped as i see it does many others, in the short time i have been here,

I therefore, just wanted to say thankyou.....

With all my heart.


Bugger, there goes an emotion....

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

CW, Kaylar isn't here any more

Thank god.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No how to you know that?

Get a shock if she answered then... lol...

I was just thinking that's all, a line she said, thanks ANON.

CW