[rcoreyus]

I'm sorry to jump into this discussion late. One interpretation is that he feels he needs someone he can talk to freely - and has turned online to get that. (much as many people use this forum).

Can he talk to you? Can he be really honest without feeling he is being judged? For instance it is not uncommon to unintentionally develop an attraction to someone you know (online or off). I don't think its acceptable to ACT on that attraction, but its hard to control how you feel about someone. Could he tell you about this if it happened?

As far as having his passwords: in my opinion when you can no longer trust someone to have privacy, the relationship is over. I'm not arguing that he deserves your trust, just that when you can no longer trust him (for whatever reason), you have lost the best part of a relationship.

[gialyn]

No problem, thank you for your response rcoreyus.

He says he doesn't really 'talk' about anything significant online and its is pretty much always just "BS"'ing and talking about gaming and would never be in a 'relationship' with any of them.

I used to think he could talk to me since its one thing he has consistently mentioned over the years, that we are great at being able to say anything to each other. I'm not so sure anymore, since he has lied so many times that he probably knew I wouldn't like what I heard if he did tell me.

I cannot always talk to him because I know if I mention something that hurt me more than once, I will get the whiny 'Oh no not that again' response. So I have tried hard not to. But I'm sure I could use work in that area re: talking about something he does/did that hurts me without closing him off regarding talking to me.

I do admit though that if he told me he was attracted to someone else, I would feel hurt and say so, primarily because of his past. He isn't someone who will stop an advance and clearly said so this week too, because he is way too polite to do that, which he is. But that is a problem when the woman is assertive and I end up being the bad cop for setting the boundaries which usually involve removing us/him from the situation. e.g. his friend's wife kept coming onto him really strongly a few months ago, despite my presence. I was sweet to her, didn't talk about it to him, until it got so obvious and I felt disrespected, especially because he was loving the attention and wasn't going to say anything. He said he doesn't care because he wouldn't act on it and its his friend's problem not his, BUT he would keep making excuses to walk our dog by their house and linger to chat with her (he hated walking our dog until then). The situation only stopped when we talked and decided not to hang out with them if I am that bothered by her attention to him. Was it my fault in having a problem with it? Perhaps but it does bother me that we stopped hanging out with them because it bothered me, not because what was going on was not correct. Do I think he would have stopped her if she tried to kiss him? Nope, because he would be way to polite to do so and not want to 'hurt her feelings'.. which is what he said about why he didn't say anything on one occasion. And yes I did overreact because he seems to care more about being the 'good guy' to everyone else and protecting their feelings v/s mine.

I agree with you regarding the last part, if I cannot trust him, I don't see any point in being married to him. Which is pretty much what I have been telling him since I asked him to leave some days ago. He however keeps insisting he wants to make this work etc and is glad that I forgave him on the several occasions when he did hurt me...

So this is me, now, giving him yet another chance because he says he really loves me and wants to make this work even though we are completely different people and apparently have completely different interests (his words, after shooting down together-stuff ideas to replace World of Warcraft).

If I sound confused, its because I am. Which is why I'm going to take him at his word and hope he stays faithful. I had stopped reading his emails/forums etc even though I know he had been talking to atleast 2 women online, including sexually to one. But he says he won't anymore and I am trusting him. If he breaks my trust again, I really cannot understand why he doesn't just leave and stop telling me how he could have just left but is staying which should show he is making an effort.

I wonder if relationships are always this difficult. [He has a LOT of positive qualities too that may not have come across in my posts, but the nagging problems don't seem to go away].

I will probably stay away from this forum over the weekend because I have been rambling way too much.. but thank you again for your input. I wish I knew what I needed to fix in myself or in our situation other than what I'm already doing. But I'm sure we'll get there if we are meant to.

Have a wonderful weekend

[rcoreyus]

Just a thought: I think the goal isn't to check up on him and keep him away from other women. The goal should be to make him love and want you so much that he has no interest in anyone else. If he enjoys his time with you, he may not want anyone else.

[happy ending]

it honestly sounds as if he is addicted to this online fantasy world and it is very difficult if not impossible for a real life flesh and blood woman to compete with a perfect fantasy!!! my ex husband is an alcoholic and many of his behaviours (the lying, sulking when not get his own way, blaming ever thing on you) sounds familar.

[stressed]

Just a thought: I think the goal isn't to check up on him and keep him away from other women. The goal should be to make him love and want you so much that he has no interest in anyone else. If he enjoys his time with you, he may not want anyone else.

Certainly, that is the goal. But certain men are so sucked into their fantasy world that they need a push to get back into real life. If they're too much into their imagination then they find it hard to appreciate real life, no matter how hard their women may try.

[WildChild]

it honestly sounds as if he is addicted to this online fantasy world and it is very difficult if not impossible for a real life flesh and blood woman to compete with a perfect fantasy!!! my ex husband is an alcoholic and many of his behaviours (the lying, sulking when not get his own way, blaming ever thing on you) sounds familar.

Isn't amazing how all this ends up, your fault?

[happy ending]

Isn't amazing how all this ends up, your fault?

it must be wonderful to have to take absolutely no responsibility for any bad behavior of yours!! but this forum has made me realise we are not alone!

[Guest]

Drop him. He's lying.

[sewgirl102]

Don't underestimate wow effects on marriage

Hi everyone ! I was wondering if you could perhaps advise me regarding something that has been eating at me and I'm not sure who else to ask.

I apologize in advance for the length of this post :/

Background: When I married my husband, I knew he had chatted online in the past and had several online relationships, three of which translated to physical relationships offline (before we met). Apparently when we started dating, about a month+ into it, was when he 'broke off' with his last online girlfriend. But I later found out, his way of breaking up was not really telling her he was breaking up but was by not responding after they had an argument. He had previously told her I was just a friend, when we were not serious but dating (I didn't know this then).

He has a flirty personality at work, leading people to think he is interested in them, even when he is completely not.. at all.. its just his personality. But he isn't so outside of work and even considers himself shy. Now, when we got married, my condition while accepting his proposal was that he needs to stop chatting online, stop playing World of Warcraft that he had just started playing and was started to get addicted to.

He had asked out a friend of mine while we were still engaged and had broken up with me a few weeks later, at which time he had told me the above. She refused him and met someone else. A year later my husband asked me to marry him and said he had made the biggest mistake of his life and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. So anyway, after talking about the above, we got married in 2 months at his insistence (he said if I said no, he would just move out of state and not be in touch anymore, which I didn't want at that time since he was such a good friend).

Three years later today, he is a serious World of Warcraft addict. He never stopped playing and gets really mad at me for 'trying to take away the one thing that helps him relax after all the stresses at work'. After huge arguments and almost getting to the point of a divorce, he has gone from cutting the hours/changing his nick/name/guild, to going back to playing a lot. A few days ago, after missing some really important deadlines, he said he is deleting his account effective March '10 and is diverting his attention to his career etc and Facebook applications to pass his time. He hates socializing, *hates* calling people over, to the point of me not having any friends anymore because I was never allowed to call them over or hang out with them without him having a whiny hissy fit over it.

I figured with him cancelling his World of Warcraft account, we'll probably start getting our life back in order. Except, he still plays everyday, and a large part of the weekend but now he expects me to be ok with it because he is not 'raiding' with a guild anymore, just doing.. um one man thingies.. or something. But he is constantly chatting. He says it is a public guild chat and only some remarks are private and they are all guys anyway. Except the nicknames are female and before marriage, he was apparently friendly with two women in his guild, 'just friends', but enough to know about their personal lives, dating details etc.

Saturday, he took me out to lunch for Valentine's day, took us on a drive to get us out of the house and we spent a nice afternoon out and got home. He said he wanted to avoid the V-day rush at restaurants. Then on Sunday, Valentine's day, since he woke up, he was on the computer, on World of Warcraft, chatting, questing?.... and didn't seem all that impressed with the gifts I had got him (liked the cards etc though). At lunchtime, I was going to take him out and offered to get something to go if he wanted me to and he jumped on the idea and said he didn't want to come along. At about 2pm I was getting really irritated because he had not got up once from his computer and it was V-day. He got mad when I mentioned it because he had taken me out on Saturday and said I should pretend yesterday was V-day and he thought he would let him relax atleast on one day since he has to go back to work on Monday. Later that evening, when he was chatting away, I looked at him and asked who he was typing to. He said he was talking to a nick (female nick) who was in his guild and it was just about food and didn't understand my problem because it was just a person in his guild.

So now, I don't know what to do:
1) He has already closed his WOW account effective next month which he keeps throwing in my face everytime I ask why he is still online on it.
2) He keeps chatting but says it is completely tame, public except for some messages and its all technical related to him helping some people in his guild with the raid stuff even though he isnt raiding anymore.
3) He says he hates going out, hates hanging out with friends and has nothing to do now that he stopped WOW insinuating its my fault that he is bored and is switching to Facebook apps now to keep busy.

Am I overreacting that he is still chatting to females online (who he insists may not even be a female since men are online with female nicks too, except I've heard his guild people talk on mics during raids and a lot of them are female). I don't really want to go down the path of divorce, because he is inherently a good person, with a good heart and I am still in love with him. I don't know if he is again having an online relationship that he just broke off... I don't know if this even counts as an emotional affair. I know he had feelings for another person about 2 years into the marriage but said he just took time to get over this person and had not done anything about it other than tell one of our friends that he was still in love with this other woman (in real life).

But I don't know how to respond to him anymore, he has an answer to everything and I am always the 'nagging wife' everytime I try to talk to him about it. He absolutely and vehemently refuses to go to counselling and says I am the one who needs to trust him and let him relax.

This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life, can't really talk to my parents about it since they're the type who usually tell me to work my problems out myself to learn from them, and my friends don't really seem to want to keep in touch even though i tried to get back in touch with them the past few weeks because (I don't blame them) I haven't really been allowed to call them over or keep in touch with them the past few years, so why should they care now. I don't know how to make new friends since I'm currently not working since a month (layoff), and don't meet anyone.

Last year I was really depressed and almost came to the point of wanting to just end it all. I think finally realizing that the problem was serious was probably what pushed him to decide to close the WOW account now finally, in addition to screwing up with missed deadlines due to his raid nights and scheduling his career activities around raid timings.

Darn, this has been one long boring post. It's ok if you haven't read it all. I just needed to tell *someone* about this before it completely eats me away inside. I know I'm probably overreacting but I hate it that he is still chatting to people online. i don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it stop/make it better. And he just changed his email password a few days ago so not sure what that is about either.

Thank you for reading/listening and I hope you have a good day ~!

Take care.

WOW has proven to be the Trojan horse which has devastated my marriage. It came in as simply a cool game that my husband liked to relax with after work. Then it very quickly became an every night and all weekend marathon. The more he played the more he wanted to and the further away he got from me. It finally got to the point where he admitted he wanted WOW more than he wanted me. And this was on every level of relationship, emotionally and physically. We went to counseling twice, which he half-heartedly tried but failed to live up to his own guidelines designed to limit the time on the game. My mistake was in not forcing the issue earlier. Just recently found he had been texting his "guild buddy" who is a woman, which he lied about for over a year. He rarely texts me but in one month over 600 messages between the two were exchanged. He even took a motorcycle trip and stopped in to see his "buddy" last year. He swears she is married and that they both play in the same guild but I still think he is holding something back. Even if there was nothing physical going on there was a whole lot of emotional infidelity going on. Enough to affect our sex life, which has pretty much been lousy and next to nothing the last couple years. So, as it stands, I don't trust him, and this has hit me really hard. He had an affair 16 years ago and you would think the pain of that experience would have at least made a difference in his behavior. He pushed me away for so long and ignored all the warning signs I gave him, and now that the cat is out of the bag he is not playing anymore, but will not go online and delete his account. I think he should do that as a show of good faith if he is sincere about making the marriage work. But I think he has in the back of his mind that if we divorce he will have his account still there and all ready to just pick right back up and start playing again. At this point I am not sure I even want him anymore although financially it would be very hard for me as I have health problems and little income. I think the inherent potential for addiction is built into the game and it really sucks in those who have an addictive personality. Beware if this is going on in your marriage and try to find some way to agree on a healthy compromise or tell him to either ditch the game or you.