[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[Mes T]

Okay. I think I understand your situation better now.

I was in a very co-dependent relationship at one point in my life, and now I'm hyper-sensitive about not falling back into that again. My current boyfriend used to go out drinking and whatnot four times a week before he met me, then he gradually stopped completely, even though I hint time and time again that going out with friends is a good thing...!

To be honest, I LIKE that he spends so much time with me now, that we've fallen into this "routine" of just... being together. But I worry that it'll make him unhappy down the road and that he'll eventually blame me for all these changes... I don't know.

Well anyway, now I see that poker nights would be dubious. But hopefully that doesn't rule out something else down the road, like joining a club, or whatever, some place to hang out and be apart.

I for one LOVE the nights that I can have all to myself, to gorge on ice cream and watch American Idol, amongst other guilty pleasures... !!

[happy ending]

I just don't know, are you raising him or in a relationship with him?
Neither of you are comfortable with his behavior away from you?
He's given reason not to trust with other women? With alcohol? There are sexual issues and what sounds from an outsider's perspective like a real imbalance in the sexual aspects of the relationship, with him unwilling to even try to meet your needs or create a sharing sexual experience. It's hard to see what the attraction is.
He wants to be with you, "all the time" but is always too tired to have sex?
This is sounding co-dependant.

i agree with you WC, when i first read it, i thought exactly the same thing.

[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Stressed...

Wow.......

You know, he could drink at football too, or over a couple's house over dinner, do you think that he's staying around you only, to avoid this full stop?

He is an Alcoholic, if he can't handle his drink... and gets agressive... Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you drink everynight and can't "not" drink, it means you can't handle your drink...

It seems to me he has a fear of this, and wants to NOT do it..

You have to TRUST him now... Putting protective measures is a good thing, but it's also "Mothering", alot...

He's not 17, 18... He knows why he no longer drinks. You know your both better from it, he loves you, just tell him "Don't let yourself down"... It has to be about him, all blokes need "bloky nights" and frankly stressed, you need "girly nights".. regardless that he hasn't had relationships where he can be with a woman and feel fantastic, there has to be a balance and there has to be independence and there has to be trust in any relationship.....

"Dont let yourself down"... is all you need to say and let him spread his wings and please go and start spreading yours as well....

[happy ending]

I think this is depressing, seems like now neither of you have the chance to have a life outside of your relationship bubble.

And I feel like I need to stand up for single men and their "influences." Sure some are jerks who drag unwilling parties to strip joints or whatever, but there are also many who not only respect others' relationships but openly envy them as well. My single friends never try to dissuade me from being with my boyfriend, and same goes for my boyfriend's single friends.

i know what is so terrifying about one night apart? if he acts up, he acts up, why not give him the chance to prove he is better than that? i am not being flippant or nasty but you are not his mother, or his savior.

[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[KMonte85]

I don't want to be nasty here, but I HAVE done a lot for him already, I deserve my moments of doubt.

There isn't anything wrong with be apprehensive about him being in that situation.. You'be been through a lot, so it makes sense. I think the issue comes up in that if you try to control what he does and the decisions he makes all the time, he will eventually get resentful of you. Then what will you have? A compliant boyfriend who harbors resent towards you and either shuts down or acts out (aka - the self fulfilling prophecy. Always preparing for and expecting one's failure will end up in failure.)

Eventually, he is going to have to go out into the wild wild west and see that he can make smart decisions and be responsible. Why not do it now? Why not allow him to prove to you (and himself) that he's changed for the better and can control himself in what could be considered a party scene?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I just posted what I'm going to do. Isn't that good enough either? Last thing I need to be told is that I don't do enough for him.

I don't want to be nasty here, but I HAVE done a lot for him already, I deserve my moments of doubt.

I don't think that anyone said you don't do enough for him stressed....

I think from what I am reading, that maybe the ladies are saying, you DO do alot for him, hold his hand, help him but what does he do FOR YOU?

You've found common ground.. His brother is picking him up.. You have found a solution to something that frightened you.. and you both were going back and forth with come, go, don't go...

But you know, we are going to pick up on other things for you to consider It's what a Forum is....

Just make sure that in all that you do, that your given back to in life as well, that's a true partnership.. And, if that is what you have, then go for it, and be in it, if it's not? Then, start fighting for your rights, your needs, that's all.

CW

[happy ending]

i am also not trying to be nasty, but you seem to me to be more like his mother than his finance, i was worried about the phrase "i will let him go, if he wants to". it sounds as if, he requires your permission. i am really not trying to pick a fight, but dont understand why your relationship seems so one sided.