[BettyBoo]

Hi

I'm hoping somebody will be able to advise me on how to handle this situation rationally! My husband is very charming and absolutely lovely and friendly, we really enjoy meeting people and having a laugh and we trust each other completely. We sometimes visit his brother and partner for bbqs or drinks and the partner always sits in between my husband and I and touches his knee constantly and hangs on his every word and up until last wkend, we just laughed at this as it was her problem, not his or mine...
Last wkend they invited us to a bbq and I thought we had a lovely time even though she, yet again, flirted with my husband and paid him more attention than her partner. She is not a small woman and she is older than my husband, neither of these are important but she wore the shortest white shorts I've ever seen and they were not that complimentary and she continuously bent over in front of us which was quite awkward. Anyway, we left after what I thought was a lovely evening only for my husband to tell me she bent over in front of him as he went to the bathroom and it was obvious she wasn't wearing any underwear!!! I was livid then shocked and now I'm just baffled!!! He is so honest with me and I know it's not his fault and why should he have to be rude to her but now I don't feel comfortable around her anymore, I'm afraid she'll take it too far.
Please advise?

[sourpuss]

Well, it sounds like your husband knows what's going on and isn't interested in the attention. So it's not like you have to worry that he's going to flirt back or that something will happen.
I'd let it go and just laugh it off. She's obviously looking for attention the wrong way, from the wrong people. That's not your problem. Try to find it in your heart to understand that she's probably really insecure and socially awkward and doesn't know how to act appropriately.
If it's really bothering your husband, he can say something to his brother.

[KMonte85]

Wow, I'm sorry you're in this awkward situation. Since all the attention is towards your husband, it will be up to him to put the kabosh on her behavior.

Talking to your brother's partner yourself will do nothing to change what is going on. It is your husband who needs to let her know that this has got to stop because it is crossing the line and it is awkward for him, his wife (you) and his brother who I'm sure is right there witnessing her behavior. You and your husband really have no control over what she wears, but you both have control over whether to stare or not. He has no control over what she does, but he has control over his reaction to what she does. She is really crossing the line by talking and acting the way you have described. To me, it seems like this is a control issue and this woman enjoys "playing your husband" and seeing him squirm and making you uncomfortable. If you confronted her now, she would probably deny it and say that she doesn't know what you are talking about and accuse you of being jealous over nothing.

When she does or says something inappropriate, he is going have to say, "I know that I haven't said anything in the past but please don't do that anymore because it makes me (and my wife) uncomfortable."

[BettyBoo]

Thank you for your support
The only thing is my husband is extemely friendly and chatty and doesn't act as if it puts him off, he knows that they (his brother and her) are having problems, she's forever sending him sms putting his brother down and saying she wants to leave him!!! He never keeps anything from me, sometimes I wish he would but his honesty is commendable. I don't feel comfortable being around her now but my husband doesn't see the problem, he is close to his brother but would never tell him
I just don't want to cause a drama but I do want her to back off!

[KMonte85]

I'm quite surprised that your husband, being cloes to his brother as you say he is, would never tell him what is going on. it seems so disloyal to me.. who is he trying to protect? His brother's girlfriend? she should NOT be sending him any sms about her relationship or her plans to break up to your husband, or putting his brother down. That's just inappropriate. Add that to the way she acts around your brother, and there's a recipe for a big storm in the future... especially if his brother finds out that he was getting these messages and never said anything to him. I'm really surprised that your husband allows this behavior to go on, but unfortunately, if he won't stop it there isn't much that can be done to stop her ridiculous behavior.

[BettyBoo]

I know! That's why I'm so frustrated! I can't get involved but I can't stand by while she is making my husband be disloyal without him meaning to! He's really laid back and likes a quiet life with no drama and won't say anything because he doesn't want to create trouble but I am secretly annoyed with him over it and feel sorry for his brother! I have to pretend to like this woman and it's getting more and more difficult! I don't want to argue with my husband and it is really none of my business but I wish they would just break up and she would leave our lives for good but that part is the jealous part of me that hates how she lavishes attention on my husband!
Thank you for your response

[sourpuss]

I agree with KMonte. I think your husband, by doing nothing, is giving her the impression that it's ok. The texts are way out of line. He needs to put a stop to that ASAP. The next time she sends one, he just needs to reply that he's not going to get in the middle and remind her that it's his brother she's talking about.

If he makes it clear that he's not going to be involved and that he's not taking sides then she'll stop seeing him as an ally. Sounds like her behavior is more to make her boyfriend jealous than anything. If he draws a line in the sand and let's her know that he's not her sounding board I'd bet she'd stop with the inappropriate behavior.

[LanaBear]

I agree with KMonte. I think your husband, by doing nothing, is giving her the impression that it's ok. The texts are way out of line. He needs to put a stop to that ASAP. The next time she sends one, he just needs to reply that he's not going to get in the middle and remind her that it's his brother she's talking about.

If he makes it clear that he's not going to be involved and that he's not taking sides then she'll stop seeing him as an ally. Sounds like her behavior is more to make her boyfriend jealous than anything. If he draws a line in the sand and let's her know that he's not her sounding board I'd bet she'd stop with the inappropriate behavior.

Completely agree. Personally, if your husband doesn't feel comfortable actually responding and being "mean", tell him you will respond on his behalf. She'll never know who sent the actual text if it is from his phone.

[KMonte85]

He's really laid back and likes a quiet life with no drama and won't say anything because he doesn't want to create trouble

Maybe he doesn't realize that by NOT saying anything he is causing more drama than if he would just squash the issue and be done with it. Let's look at the situation as it currently is... he feels awkward by her advances and messages, you're annoyed and angry, his brother all the while is clueless to all this badmouthing, inappropriate behavior, etc which puts your husband and you in a bad spot if/when he finds out what's been going on behind his back! If that's not trouble and drama, I don't know what is. Instead of dealing with the situation he's making excuses.. which is not fair to his family (you and his brother).

And if he were to tell her to knock off the sms and the flirty/touchy/feeling behavior? She'd probably be mad, maybe feel a bit awkward, and that would be the end of it. Then you wouldn't have to be so irritated anymore, he could be left alone when you're around her, and his brother won't be the butt of the whole situation. How is this not a better solution to the problem?

Try explaining it to your husband like this.. he might just realize that you HAVE A POINT!

[Hopeless Dork]

Her craving for attention from your husband almost seems sad and pathetic. It probably doesn't inspire anything from your husband except pity for his brother at having someone so attention starved for a wife.

It's normal for you to feel awkward, heck... reading your words I felt awkward FOR you guys. Obviously your husbands brother... unless he's totally blind... is aware of her ways. Is she tipsy when she acts like this? My guess is she wasn't tipsy when she wore shorts that her vagina dangled out of :\.

But I don't think you have reason to worry... your husband sounds honest and loyal and as a human being is likely getting some sort of ego boost out of the way she is throwing herself at him.

Its like when a couple of icky guys whistle at you in a parking lot... while in your mind you think ew... really? Somewhere there is a little reminder that... yeah... I am hot today lol. I doubt it does more than that for your man.

Unfortunately for his brother though... some other guy she tosses her attention to might take her up on it. Could be she doesn't want that and is why she targets your husband... she knows he's bullet proof.

There is a certain type of women that love to test bounderies with a faithful, good guy... even if they have zero interest in them, its like they want to prove to themself they can get it if they want it. And if your husband has not responded with a nod to any of her little flirts it seems she's taking more and more extreme measures --- still fruitless.

They're family and your going to have to be around them, so my suggestion is to trust your husband and keep an eye on her. She knows you know what she is doing. When I bend over in front of people (unless its just me and my guy alone) i squat down, i turn my rear the other way. I know its rude to stick your butt in peoples faces... and I know guys well enough to know that could appeal to them, and girls well enough to know they'd see the disrespect in it.

If she did it once or twice it could be she is just oblivious... but she seems like she knows exactly what she is trying to do. Pop the wind from her sail when she does things like that. Take away all sex appeal from the moment by implying you hope she washed her rear today when she sticks her butt in your face lol. Or like oh gosh... i don't know if i trust your behind this direction after all those baked beans you just had!!