Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Husband, Porn and Boundaries

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Husband, Porn and Boundaries

    Hi Everyone,

    As I read through many of the topics posted here, I have to ask a question. For all the wives that are having issues with their husbands porn infatuation/addiction, how did it get to this point?

    I remember early on in our marriage my husband and I discussed watching porn together. We were young and curious about the whole porn infatuation. So we rented a tape (it was 20 years ago) and planned the evening. My initial feeling "uncomfortable", I watched a few minutes of the tape and had to turn it off.

    For me, I knew this was not something I needed or wanted in our bedroom. I was very honest with him and we talked about the way it made us both feel. He agreed that if it made me uncomfortable he would respect my feelings. Wasn't a big deal to him.

    I think many women compromise their boundaries trying to please the hubby. Don't get me wrong, compromise is necessary in having a great marriage, but don't be the only one compromising. For all the women that don't feel comfortable with pornography, let it be known in the beginning of your relationship. Don't back down, as you can see in many of these posts, it can get out of control.

    Having a great relationship starts with being honest about how you feel. If your husband has a fantasy, you be the lead actress. Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated.


    ~B
    Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

  • I think you hit the nail on the head. In many cases both women and men seem to think that the word "compromise" applies to only one of them.

    Comment


    • Great post, JustHormonious. I think probably a lot of women DO make it known how they feel, but their man doesn't respect their feelings how your husband did. They don't think it's a big deal to jack off to some other woman, and how they feel about it matters more to them than how their partner feels about it. And the woman is just holding onto hope that someday he will understand and respect her feelings... When you love everything else about a man, except HATE this one thing, it's hard to throw a away a whole relationship over it. I don't know.

      Comment


      • Any woman holding onto hope that someday he will understand and respect her feelings, will be waiting a long time. I'm sorry, communication and respect should not be optional, or something that we have to wait and hope for. I do think what you said is how many women feel. So how do women change this behavior?


        ~B
        Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

        Comment


        • If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on?

          Actually compromising sometimes doesn't work well if one partner defines not doing something outrageous as "compromising".

          I think compatibility is more important than compromise. If a couple finds they each need to compromise a lot - maybe they aren't right for each other?

          Comment


          • rcoreyus your overall point, dead on m8, agree 100%. You can't force the square peg in the round hole, right? OP, I think many times, espically this day and age, men come into the relationship with the dependency to porn already in place. In a new relationship, it is not something that may be know, or if it is, not something that gets discussed early on.

            Originally posted by JustHormonious View Post
            Don't get me wrong, compromise is necessary in having a great marriage
            Then you say;
            Originally posted by JustHormonious View Post
            Don't back down, Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated.
            Which is it? Giving an ultimatum is never a good play in a relationship, not one you want to keep anyways.
            I am happy because I am content with who I am. My wife is not responsible for my happiness, she enhances my happiness because she is so good to me.

            Comment


            • Casey,

              I think you got a little upset with "don't back down" and decided to combine it with "let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated". This combination of words completely changed my point. Take a look back at my original post. I said "If your husband has a fantasy, you be the lead actress. Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated". I said "don't back down" if your husbands porn infatuation makes you feel uncomfortable, let it be known in the beginning. Where is the ultimatum?

              There is a huge difference between looking at porn every once in a while, and having a dependency (your words). I think your statement "I think many times, especially in this day and age, men come into the relationship with the dependency to porn already in place. In a new relationship, it is not something that may be known, or if it is, not something that gets discussed early on". What a shame! If a man has this dependency shouldn't he be willing to discuss this with his partner? Why hide it?

              As far as: "If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on"?

              How about: She won't watch it either. C'mon


              The original post was about communication in your marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most men addicted to porn hide this fact? Why be ashamed if this is what's important to you. This is why so many women feel blind-sided when they find out. Having a dependency (again, your words) of any kind is not healthy for the person or the relationship.
              Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

              Comment


              • Remember why this is a great forum here folks. We don't allow our members to put down each other or their beliefs. If this thread escalates, it will be closed and infractions will be given if necessary.

                Comment


                • In any form of addiction, I believe that the person in question has most of the flaws, insecurities, unfinished business, baggage of some sort with his father, mother, or generally people in close proximity when he/she was growing up. And it takes a lot of work for both partners to address this either separately or together, though the latter is preferred.

                  Porn addiction has a long history among men, in general, as with wives feeling betrayed and side-stepped. Boundaries are need, which women who have been "trained" co-dependents (I say trained, because maybe that's what they observed growing up) find a challenge.

                  Comment


                  • No disrespect intended. I even had my husband read it before I posted it. I apologize to anyone offended..


                    ~B
                    Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

                    Comment


                    • I use dependency because I have come to believe it is a dependency or very close for many men out there. And I agree the man should be willing to discuss it with his partner. As to why hide it? Because it's not the most flattering thing out there to discuss in the infancy of a relationship. "Hi, my name is Casey. I'm 30 years old, Caucasian, single no kids. I like porn a lot. I'm not sure if I am addicted because I have been single for like a year. So I'm not sure if I still like to have sexual relations with real people. I love animals, I like action movies, books - legal thrillers and financial thrillers, long walks at the beach." How many women would ever go on a date with that? Am I going to speak up on the 5th or 10th dates? Not likely. Its going this well, I don't want to ruin it by talking about my usage of porn. Is it a shame? Yes. Is this reality, I think so.

                      As far as: "If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on"?

                      That wasn't me. I agree to rcoreyus's overall point about compatibility.

                      Naw, I didn't get upset. It would be pointless to get upset with someone I don't know who is sharing their feelings. You asked what ultimatum. Well, I was referring to the unspoken upcoming ultimatum. You said you didn't like porn. What if your m8 had really, really liked it? What would have happened? What if he like it as much as you disliked it?
                      I am happy because I am content with who I am. My wife is not responsible for my happiness, she enhances my happiness because she is so good to me.

                      Comment


                      • For me it was uncomfortable. I didn't say that I hated it. I am also not saying there is anything wrong with pornography, many couples enjoy it. To answer your question: If it would have been important to my husband, I would have revisited it. I feel fortunate that this was not an issue for us. As I wrote the original post yesterday, I ask my husband if he would like to rent a movie, his response "No, but can I buy you a new wig"? I have a great husband!

                        The reason for my post was to find out how a spouse can have an addiction and the other spouse not know? In some of the threads these men have been sneaking and cheating for years. We all have to take responsibility for our marriage. It is not a one sided failure.
                        Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

                        Comment


                        • Several men claim early on in the relationship that they only watch porn once in a while and only because they were single. However, the truth is (at least in several cases) that they watch porn far more than they claim to and they are indeed addicted to it/it has become a habit very hard to quit. So it's not always about "women know about it but they suddenly want to change the poor man", but it's also about men not being honest about it in the beginning and later on complaining about how their women want to change them. You can't have a happy relationship when you lie about habits that you're aware your SO may not be happy with. "Once in a while" and "daily" are two totally different things that the partner has to be aware of as early as possible. Men just can't assume that their partner will be fine with porn just because they are men and then complain if this toy is taken away from them.

                          As to how to find out, it depends on how well the person is hiding it. Many never find out, others have noticed the signs but choose to ignore them not to cause upset in the marriage, others act as soon as they spot it. It's important for both to understand that hiding something only makes them unhappier in the long run. No addicted person is happy. If a man is addicted to porn he misses out on real and good sex he can have, plus takes away sex from his partner. It's very important he understands that no matter what the addiction is the spouse will be there to support him and help him quit. If the spouse notices signs of addiction then she has to act if she wants to stay with her man, starting with calm and open discussions and then moving to more drastic measures and/or counseling.

                          Comment


                          • Stressed,

                            Very well said!
                            Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

                            Comment


                            • I think this is part of the problem in some cases. Many women are so offended by porn that they react to an addicted spouse with anger of the "how dare you...." sort of response rather than try to fix the problem. There is a tendency to ask "why are you choosing those women over me?" sort of questions. I think the real situation is often more like alcoholism. If your spouse gets drunk every night, you know they have a problem, but there isn't as much tendency to be directly offended.

                              Porn is offensive to some women in a way that alcohol is not - independent of addiction. My feeling is that a porn addiction should be viewed like any other addiction - it isn't a reflection on the person's partner, but an internal problem.

                              I am NOT claiming that all, or even most women react badly to porn - but some do, and I believe a strong negative emotional reaction is not the best way to fix the problem - it will just drive them to hide what they are doing.

                              Maybe the best reaction to finding out that your SO is addicted to porn is to watch it with them. Make it something they do in the open and with you, rather than something hidden. Watch porn, then have sex, so that YOU are the focus of their sexual interest, not images on the screen. (just a thought).



                              Originally posted by stressed View Post
                              S. It's very important he understands that no matter what the addiction is the spouse will be there to support him and help him quit. If the spouse notices signs of addiction then she has to act if she wants to stay with her man, starting with calm and open discussions and then moving to more drastic measures and/or counseling.

                              Comment

                              or

                              Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                              Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                              Latest Activity On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              Latest Topics On Our Forums

                              Collapse

                              • Are you energized after sex? Or ready to sleep?

                                We were talking one day about the timing of sex. He is charged up and energized following sex, and I'm super relaxed and usually want to sleep. We're...

                                09-24-2020, 04:58 AM By atskitty2
                              • Letting a friendship fade away

                                Over the past few years, the tone of a friendship of mine has changed. We have a mutual friend, and last week, we finally had an honest chat about how...

                                08-30-2020, 07:41 AM By atskitty2
                              • When to call it quits?

                                It's sometimes difficult to know when to end a romantic relationship, and for what reasons. Dating can be a challenge, and finding someone worth investigating...

                                08-30-2020, 07:14 AM By atskitty2
                              Working...
                              X