[JustHormonious]

Hi Everyone,

As I read through many of the topics posted here, I have to ask a question. For all the wives that are having issues with their husbands porn infatuation/addiction, how did it get to this point?

I remember early on in our marriage my husband and I discussed watching porn together. We were young and curious about the whole porn infatuation. So we rented a tape (it was 20 years ago) and planned the evening. My initial feeling "uncomfortable", I watched a few minutes of the tape and had to turn it off.

For me, I knew this was not something I needed or wanted in our bedroom. I was very honest with him and we talked about the way it made us both feel. He agreed that if it made me uncomfortable he would respect my feelings. Wasn't a big deal to him.

I think many women compromise their boundaries trying to please the hubby. Don't get me wrong, compromise is necessary in having a great marriage, but don't be the only one compromising. For all the women that don't feel comfortable with pornography, let it be known in the beginning of your relationship. Don't back down, as you can see in many of these posts, it can get out of control.

Having a great relationship starts with being honest about how you feel. If your husband has a fantasy, you be the lead actress. Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated.


~B

[WildChild]

I think you hit the nail on the head. In many cases both women and men seem to think that the word "compromise" applies to only one of them.

[PandaPaws]

Great post, JustHormonious. I think probably a lot of women DO make it known how they feel, but their man doesn't respect their feelings how your husband did. They don't think it's a big deal to jack off to some other woman, and how they feel about it matters more to them than how their partner feels about it. And the woman is just holding onto hope that someday he will understand and respect her feelings... When you love everything else about a man, except HATE this one thing, it's hard to throw a away a whole relationship over it. I don't know.

[JustHormonious]

Any woman holding onto hope that someday he will understand and respect her feelings, will be waiting a long time. I'm sorry, communication and respect should not be optional, or something that we have to wait and hope for. I do think what you said is how many women feel. So how do women change this behavior?


~B

[rcoreyus]

If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on?

Actually compromising sometimes doesn't work well if one partner defines not doing something outrageous as "compromising".

I think compatibility is more important than compromise. If a couple finds they each need to compromise a lot - maybe they aren't right for each other?

[Casey715]

rcoreyus your overall point, dead on m8, agree 100%. You can't force the square peg in the round hole, right? OP, I think many times, espically this day and age, men come into the relationship with the dependency to porn already in place. In a new relationship, it is not something that may be know, or if it is, not something that gets discussed early on.

Don't get me wrong, compromise is necessary in having a great marriage

Then you say;

Don't back down, Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated.

Which is it? Giving an ultimatum is never a good play in a relationship, not one you want to keep anyways.

[JustHormonious]

Casey,

I think you got a little upset with "don't back down" and decided to combine it with "let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated". This combination of words completely changed my point. Take a look back at my original post. I said "If your husband has a fantasy, you be the lead actress. Let him know a stand-in will not be needed nor tolerated". I said "don't back down" if your husbands porn infatuation makes you feel uncomfortable, let it be known in the beginning. Where is the ultimatum?

There is a huge difference between looking at porn every once in a while, and having a dependency (your words). I think your statement "I think many times, especially in this day and age, men come into the relationship with the dependency to porn already in place. In a new relationship, it is not something that may be known, or if it is, not something that gets discussed early on". What a shame! If a man has this dependency shouldn't he be willing to discuss this with his partner? Why hide it?

As far as: "If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on"?

How about: She won't watch it either. C'mon


The original post was about communication in your marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most men addicted to porn hide this fact? Why be ashamed if this is what's important to you. This is why so many women feel blind-sided when they find out. Having a dependency (again, your words) of any kind is not healthy for the person or the relationship.

[LanaBear]

Remember why this is a great forum here folks. We don't allow our members to put down each other or their beliefs. If this thread escalates, it will be closed and infractions will be given if necessary.

[caterpillar79]

In any form of addiction, I believe that the person in question has most of the flaws, insecurities, unfinished business, baggage of some sort with his father, mother, or generally people in close proximity when he/she was growing up. And it takes a lot of work for both partners to address this either separately or together, though the latter is preferred.

Porn addiction has a long history among men, in general, as with wives feeling betrayed and side-stepped. Boundaries are need, which women who have been "trained" co-dependents (I say trained, because maybe that's what they observed growing up) find a challenge.

[JustHormonious]

No disrespect intended. I even had my husband read it before I posted it. I apologize to anyone offended..


~B