[JustHormonious]

Pretzel and RCoreyus

I had a little time today to read some of your other posts, and have to tell you both that I am shocked. Apparently neither of you have issues with communication. What is going on with your wives?

Next month will be 20 years for my husband and I, we are just getting started, I could not imagine being in your situations. Don't get me wrong, we have had our highs and lows along the way but thankfully kept the lows to a minimum. I can remember the times of drought, sometimes my fault and sometimes his. It's hard work keeping the romance alive at times. My husband would say things like, can you pencil me in, or, can you schedule some us time soon.

Being a wife, mother, and career women left me running on empty most days, for years. Not an excuse, this is a fact. I'm glad my husband brought it to my attention when he was feeling left out, in my mind it had only been a few days, when in reality it had been a couple of weeks. Time, never enough hours in a day.

Have your wives ever had their hormone levels checked? I can't imagine a woman calling it quits unless there is something going on within. We have over 100 types of hormones running the show and when these become imbalanced, nothing but problems, both emotionally and physically. Just a thought..

[pretzel]

JH, I wish I knew where things have gone awry and had answers. My wife's 48. This is not either of our first marriages.

When I first came here I was absolutely convinced she was going through peri based on all the things she'd said about how she felt. I joined about a year ago and at that time we were well into our third year of having issues. She's had her hormone levels checked twice. First time it was normal, second time she was put on a B-12 and D-3 regimine. That was just a few months ago. I still believe her hormones are still whacked out, but it's fallen on deaf ears.

I can't do much more than I've already done, at least in my own opinion. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that she has made certain choices about our relationship. These choices are in direct opposite of all the things we talked about and felt about relationships both sexual and non-sexual. These would not have been the choices I would have made.

p.s. so glad you've joined. Your posts have been very thought provoking.

[JustHormonious]

Pretzel - Having a deficiency in B-12 and Vitamin D will cause many of the same symptoms as perimenopause. I have been studying hormones for about 10 years now due to my own personal health issues. Our hormones can be cruel at times, no doubt about it. Some women can get into what I call a "hormone haze" and not get out. Good doctors are hard to find and most of the time all they want to do is medicate us. A prescription is not what is needed for most women.

Do you like to cook? Feed your wife healthy foods that will support happy hormones. Off the top of my head a good book to read is: The Perfect 10 Diet by Dr. Michael Aziz. It will give you a good understanding of the 10 key hormones and how to feed them properly. This book is for everyone not just women. Nothing "sexier" than a man in an apron.. Give it a whirl, whatcha got to lose!

[pretzel]

Jh, thanks. Actually (not bragging) but I consider myself pretty adept in the kitchen. In my first marriage I was head chef and thouroughly enjoy cooking. But I defer to my wife as that is a passion of hers so I'll gladly give up my knives.

I'll have to look up that book. I think you're right about diet and hormones.

[JustHormonious]

Pretzel - It sounds like the kitchen is your common ground. Don't give up your knives, get in there and get busy. The kitchen can be so much better than the bedroom at times.. Bon Appetit!

[rcoreyus]

Sorry about drifting a bit off topic, but to reply to JustHarmonious, it seems to me from many posts here that some people (men and women) just don't have much interest in sex. I've always assume that just as some people are straight or gay / lesbian, some people are asexual.

Drifting back on topic - the SO of someone with no interest in sex is likely to drift into watching porn, and that can turn into an addiction.

[JustHormonious]

rcoreyus - Has it always been this way between you and your wife? I think in one of your posts you said you have been together for 25 years, did she come into the marriage with this issue?

I've always assume that just as some people are straight or gay / lesbian, some people are asexual.

I'm sure this is true.

As far as watching porn - Strictly my opinion: When a man has lost control in his bedroom and turns to porn, it is now the one thing sexually that he has complete control of. He now decides: When he does it, where he does it, how often he does it, and who he does it with. I agree that this can become an addiction given the right circumstances. I would also venture to say, if the time and energy spent on porn was redirected to SO, maybe something more could be learned, by both parties.

Marriage is about growing together, I don't know why someone would just except this to be their fate.

[Allie602]

If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on?

Actually compromising sometimes doesn't work well if one partner defines not doing something outrageous as "compromising".

I think compatibility is more important than compromise. If a couple finds they each need to compromise a lot - maybe they aren't right for each other?

Is it necessary to trade one compromise for another? Seems to be two contrived like counting beans. I'll give you an example - my bf wanted me to break off a friendship with I guy I knew in college and rediscovered on face book. I met with him in New York City when I was at a meeting and we continued to communicate all above board. My bf was uncomfortable with it so, I stopped contact out of respect for his feeling. I did not say, now what are you going to do for me? I wanted to keep in contact with my friend, there was absolutely no attraction, he is married has two kids and is happy, his wife is his partner and I met her too. I didn't see anything wrong with it but he did,. Is that a compromise? What should I ask him for in return?

[rcoreyus]

JustHormonius - I've posted this before, sorry to bore other readers. My wife has always had very limited interest in sex, and it has gradually gotten worse over the year. I was young and naive, and in love when I got married - I thought that the lack of sex would sort itself out over time, instead it has gotten worse. It just isn't important to her and she doesn't seem to understand why it matters to me. I've spent a lot of effort on this over the years, with no success whatsoever.

Allie602: you are absolutely right that a "bean counting" set of compromises is bad. In some relationships though the "compromises" always seem one way. One partner needs to give things up, and do things for the other, the other partner never does.

[hizenberg]

um can somebody pleses explain the difference of 'addiction to porn ' and 'someone who enjoys it'??? i quite hontesly think its poo, i may be narrowminded to some but get with the picture here people....... it has become a 'excuse' the whole

'oh im addicted baby', hmmmm if a guy said that to me id run, and laugh in their face for thinking id be a fool for falling for that.i bet not many guys out there would be understanding of me rubbing my vag at pic of other mens penises and and vids of

other men rubbing themselfs for me...... not saying all men love or 'like' porn.or women for that fact i just think its the 'norm' today and honestly ladys it a 'war' never to be understood by men,yep i said it, most if not all guys will never get it.

and with saying that, most women if not all will never get why men are so cool about it ie:thinks its not destructive or whatever.

MY Conclusion to this TOPIC is: Women love differently to Men,think about it.