[rcoreyus]

HD, I understand and agree with what you are saying. The problem is that resentment, anger, etc in response to a porn addiction will just drive him further away, make him fell more justified in what he is doing. "she won't sleep with me so I have no choice....", even though the reason she won't sleep with him is because of the porn. It is a sort of latch-up condition, like an alcoholic who drinks because he doesn't have a job, and can't get a job because he drinks.

I don't have a good answer. I don't think you can "force" someone to give up an addiction, threats etc don't work. Unlike heroin or even alcohol, porn doesn't have a big effect on someone ability to earn a living or otherwise function in society (ignoring really extreme cases), all it does is wreck relationships. I can't see outlawing porn - lots of people watch occasionally as part of a happy sex life with no problems.

I'm interested in anyone with other ideas of how to fix this sort of situation .

[JustHormonious]

As stated by Hopeless Dork: "Women need to feel desired and wanted and special".

What is it that men need? The exact same thing!

I think the only solution would be communication and self control by both parties. Just my opinion: Having an addiction to anything, is the individual's way of being "in control" of an "out of control situation". Right or wrong?

[pretzel]

I think the only solution would be communication and self control by both parties. Just my opinion: Having an addiction to anything, is the individual's way of being "in control" of an "out of control situation". Right or wrong?

I'm not so sure that I would agree on it being "in control" of an "out of control situation". I'd tend to think it's more of a predictible response. Put alcohol where an someone who has a problem with drinking and you can be pretty sure they'll drink it without considering the effects it has on others. Same for porn.

What it true is that self-control is most certainly lacking. That's true for all addictions.

[rcoreyus]

I think that the problem with addictions is that the addict is not in control. If you have never had an addiction it is very difficult to relate to this, but the addict really can't stop themselves. A friend who was addicted to gambling once described to me how when the drove by a casino the car just seemed to pull into the parking lot. They would make all sorts of excuses for why they were going into the casino - then would tell themselves they were just going to gamble a dollar or two and leave. Invariably they would stay until all their money was gone, and all their credit cards were maxed-out (when they still had credit cards that is).

I'm not claiming that all or even most porn watching is like this, but when someone is watching porn rather than have sex with a real life partner, I think they have this sort of problem.

[JustHormonious]

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. This topic is a huge problem in many marriages. It is very interesting to read the different perspectives. With that being said...

Can we take a step back, just for a minute? What if we remove the term "addiction", personally I feel this term is used to freely, without merit in many cases, and some people simply hide behind it. ("i.e.", Jesse Jam*s.)

Let me ask these two questions and maybe we will gain a little more insight:

Ladies: What do you think your husband gets out of watching porn alone? Why do you think he does it?

Men: What do you get out of watching porn alone? (besides the obvious) Why do you do it?

These questions may seem ridiculous to some, but if a husband and wife can't communicate, maybe a stranger can give some answers.

[ItsASecret]

Ladies: What do you think your husband gets out of watching porn alone? Why do you think he does it?

I believe he gets the fantasy of choosing the women he is most highly aroused by, the barely legal huge breasted party going orgy fest airbrushed bombshell screaming in wild ways type of girl. I believe he does it because he wishes that I would act like that, and he has said before he wishes I was more like other girls (we were not talking about porn at the time). He knows that I am willing to try things for him but I am still relatively conserved in my actions and I am just not comfortable with being that screaming bouncing drunk-like chick portrayed in certain porn clips. So I believe that he watches the porn because it is the only way he can really put himself in that imaginary situation.

[bella321]

I dont know what the answer is. If someone is obsessed with porn and not able to have adult relationships with others, that is a problem. If someone prefers porn to their partner, that is a problem. I had a long term boyfriend who loved Hustler magazine. He read it while sitting on the toilet. He was a great lover and it did not interfere with our sex life. My husband has never been one for porn, topless bars, prostitutes etc., however, he cheated on me 4 months ago with a woman 20 years younger than him. I accidently discovered last week that the woman he cheated with used to work in porn and still has pictures of herself available online. My husband did not know this, until I told him, but the whole idea makes me sick to my stomach. The woman is mentally/emotionally unstable but is very good looking and obviously knows a whole lot about sex. I am doing my best to block mental pictures of them having sex out of my mind. It is very difficult to deal with.

[rcoreyus]

What do I get out of porn? I wouldn't have any significant interest if my wife would sleep with me. Since she won't, it serves as a poor substitute that I think is better than cheating.

I suspect many men start watching porn at a time when sex with a woman is not available to them, and it becomes a habit / addiction.

[pretzel]

What do I get out of porn? I wouldn't have any significant interest if my wife would sleep with me. Since she won't, it serves as a poor substitute that I think is better than cheating.

I suspect many men start watching porn at a time when sex with a woman is not available to them, and it becomes a habit / addiction.

Agree with rcorey here, at least for me anyway.

Cheating isn't an option. But somewhere along the way a disconnect has occurred. I still find my wife extremely attractive and would love to regain some of what our sex life was like before we got married. I understand that she's going through some physical changes and that her sex drive isn't what it was 5 years ago. I get that, that's not the point. The point is that when even intimacy is lacking and you feel like the marriage is basically one level above being roommates, then the imbalance and the control that the person with the lower sex drive exerts over the relationship is equally frustrating and depressing.

[stressed]

Okay:

About why men watch porn: Well, I'd assume because they enjoy masturbation just like any woman does. Nothing wrong with some porn alone once in a while, but I still think that sex with their partner should always be no.1 option.
I watch porn for the same reason as the guys here do, because my SO isn't willing to offer me sex as much as I'd like to and I do need to see more than 2 sexual positions a year. I've been fine without porn for the last couple of years but now I feel I need it. If my sex life was "normal" I wouldn't watch it and would be able to masturbate just fine without it.

I've also recently had sex with my SO with porn on (if anyone would call that sex). It was his idea and since he's quit porn I thought it would be alright and something 'kinky', since I'm not against porn. What happened: He was watching it throughout the time, masturbating, I didn't even get an angle to be able to watch it (in fact, he lost his erection every time I turned to the TV to watch, so I stopped watching), he was inside me while watching other people have sex, he lost his erection a number of times and in the end he masturbated to it as he couldn't ejaculate during sex. He apologized about losing his erection, but I personally got nothing from it, I didn't enjoy the experience and I doubt I'm going to try it again. He had one of the best orgasms ever, by his own hand and porn on TV, so I'm just fed up with it all, once again.

Well, I think I'm going to stick to porn myself. If nothing else just out of spite. I was hoping porn would be used as foreplay, but no, it was just about him 100% of the time. His theory was that he'd be able to stay erect all the time, since visualizing the feeling would make him stay hard, but he said it didn't work as he had planned it. Odd, because he hasn't had an erection problem in years.

Just sharing a porn experience with the board.