[Casey715]

I use dependency because I have come to believe it is a dependency or very close for many men out there. And I agree the man should be willing to discuss it with his partner. As to why hide it? Because it's not the most flattering thing out there to discuss in the infancy of a relationship. "Hi, my name is Casey. I'm 30 years old, Caucasian, single no kids. I like porn a lot. I'm not sure if I am addicted because I have been single for like a year. So I'm not sure if I still like to have sexual relations with real people. I love animals, I like action movies, books - legal thrillers and financial thrillers, long walks at the beach." How many women would ever go on a date with that? Am I going to speak up on the 5th or 10th dates? Not likely. Its going this well, I don't want to ruin it by talking about my usage of porn. Is it a shame? Yes. Is this reality, I think so.

As far as: "If he compromises by not watching porn, what should she compromise on"?

That wasn't me. I agree to rcoreyus's overall point about compatibility.

Naw, I didn't get upset. It would be pointless to get upset with someone I don't know who is sharing their feelings. You asked what ultimatum. Well, I was referring to the unspoken upcoming ultimatum. You said you didn't like porn. What if your m8 had really, really liked it? What would have happened? What if he like it as much as you disliked it?

[JustHormonious]

For me it was uncomfortable. I didn't say that I hated it. I am also not saying there is anything wrong with pornography, many couples enjoy it. To answer your question: If it would have been important to my husband, I would have revisited it. I feel fortunate that this was not an issue for us. As I wrote the original post yesterday, I ask my husband if he would like to rent a movie, his response "No, but can I buy you a new wig"? I have a great husband!

The reason for my post was to find out how a spouse can have an addiction and the other spouse not know? In some of the threads these men have been sneaking and cheating for years. We all have to take responsibility for our marriage. It is not a one sided failure.

[stressed]

Several men claim early on in the relationship that they only watch porn once in a while and only because they were single. However, the truth is (at least in several cases) that they watch porn far more than they claim to and they are indeed addicted to it/it has become a habit very hard to quit. So it's not always about "women know about it but they suddenly want to change the poor man", but it's also about men not being honest about it in the beginning and later on complaining about how their women want to change them. You can't have a happy relationship when you lie about habits that you're aware your SO may not be happy with. "Once in a while" and "daily" are two totally different things that the partner has to be aware of as early as possible. Men just can't assume that their partner will be fine with porn just because they are men and then complain if this toy is taken away from them.

As to how to find out, it depends on how well the person is hiding it. Many never find out, others have noticed the signs but choose to ignore them not to cause upset in the marriage, others act as soon as they spot it. It's important for both to understand that hiding something only makes them unhappier in the long run. No addicted person is happy. If a man is addicted to porn he misses out on real and good sex he can have, plus takes away sex from his partner. It's very important he understands that no matter what the addiction is the spouse will be there to support him and help him quit. If the spouse notices signs of addiction then she has to act if she wants to stay with her man, starting with calm and open discussions and then moving to more drastic measures and/or counseling.

[JustHormonious]

Stressed,

Very well said!

[rcoreyus]

I think this is part of the problem in some cases. Many women are so offended by porn that they react to an addicted spouse with anger of the "how dare you...." sort of response rather than try to fix the problem. There is a tendency to ask "why are you choosing those women over me?" sort of questions. I think the real situation is often more like alcoholism. If your spouse gets drunk every night, you know they have a problem, but there isn't as much tendency to be directly offended.

Porn is offensive to some women in a way that alcohol is not - independent of addiction. My feeling is that a porn addiction should be viewed like any other addiction - it isn't a reflection on the person's partner, but an internal problem.

I am NOT claiming that all, or even most women react badly to porn - but some do, and I believe a strong negative emotional reaction is not the best way to fix the problem - it will just drive them to hide what they are doing.

Maybe the best reaction to finding out that your SO is addicted to porn is to watch it with them. Make it something they do in the open and with you, rather than something hidden. Watch porn, then have sex, so that YOU are the focus of their sexual interest, not images on the screen. (just a thought).

S. It's very important he understands that no matter what the addiction is the spouse will be there to support him and help him quit. If the spouse notices signs of addiction then she has to act if she wants to stay with her man, starting with calm and open discussions and then moving to more drastic measures and/or counseling.

[Fallen1]

Watch porn, then have sex, so that YOU are the focus of their sexual interest, not images on the screen. (just a thought).

Although I understand where you are coming from my first thoughts on this are - how is it that a woman is supposed to feel that she is the focus of his sexual interest if it was not her in the first place that got him aroused? Although they watched it together, the fact remains that it was the images on the screen that got him aroused and in the mood for wanting sex, not her. That in itself would be a turn off to some women as they might feel that they are not enough alone to excite their men.

[WildChild]

Although I understand where you are coming from my first thoughts on this are - how is it that a woman is supposed to feel that she is the focus of his sexual interest if it was not her in the first place that got him aroused? Although they watched it together, the fact remains that it was the images on the screen that got him aroused and in the mood for wanting sex, not her. That in itself would be a turn off to some women as they might feel that they are not enough alone to excite their men.

Absolutely right.
If he is what lights your light and turns you on and porn is what turns him on, what does that do to her? We had one example given on another thread of how a man reacted when he mistakenly thought a woman was turned on my another man - he freaked out and quit speaking to her.

Men need to consider how they would feel if the genders were reversed. If the woman they loved was watching porn of other men, masterbating to that and giving him the brush off? Or if she wanted to have sex while watching a video of some other guy jacking off? I used to feel very neutral about porn but I'm much more negative about it now. It is a way of disconnecting emotionally and it hurts.

RC is right though, when it's an addiction, it needs to be treated as such. But it is difficult to be dispassionate about something that hits your self esteem so hard.

[Halle]

Great discussion here. When my husband and I started dating, the porn situation came up. I told him how I felt about it, and he said he would stop watching it if I felt that way. He tells me now that he would much rather have me - the real thing - than watch porn. Unfortunately, a lot of men aren't willing to change in these situations. Luckily, I have a man like the woman who started this discussion.

[rcoreyus]

The way I look at it the problem here is addiction to porn. Its easy to see how this can happen - watch porn, get aroused, masturbate to orgasm. The pleasure of the orgasm reinforces the behavior - just as the euphoria of heroin causes an addict to stick a needle in their arm again. Then as the porn and masturbation become more common, normal sex becomes more difficult - men are generally much more effective at masturbating themselves than women are at given them an orgasm (practice). So he starts to have problems in bed, and only has an orgasm after watching porn. Yet more reinforcement of the behavior, and things get worse and worse.

(I'm not talking about fault - it isn't really an important issue for an addict of any kind - the issue is how to fix the problem).

My thought was that if he watches porn, but the pleasure / orgasm comes from sex with his SO, it might start to separate the pleasure from the porn. If he stops masturbating but only gets an orgasm from his SO, that will reinforce that behavior. Initially the porn is a crutch / fetish, but maybe its importance will diminish.

I'm not a psychologist - this may be way off base, just my thoughts.

[Hopeless Dork]

RC your thought makes perfect sense, and probably would be successful... thing is... its a humiliating feeling for a lot of women when they think that the 'visual stimulation'they provide is inadquate material to arouse her man.

Most women need to feel desired and wanted and special in order to feel sexual and having your guy get off on some other chick doesn't usually bring out those feelings in a woman. So while it may help the guy, it may take a woman who's self esteem is already at an all time low from having a husband that prefers masturbation over her sex... and just drill it irrepairably into the ground.

It just depends on the woman I suppose because I know there are plenty out there that will take any sex they can get from their guy, and don't care where he got his erection as long as he brings it to her -- but there are a lot of women that want to be the source of the erection thats penetrating their body.

If my guy had to go to the computer and look up girls to get him hot to come and have sex with me I would feel like a dildo, like a sex toy, like a means to an end , like just a place for him to get off on, a bottle of lotion or a warm grapefruit or whatever it is guys come up with ... I wouldn't feel like his desire I'd feel like a hole in a mattress.