Tooconfused gave you some VERY good advice. He WILL be trying to get you back. But I hope you realize that this is not about love for him, it's about control, about wanting what he doesn't have. He has said some extremely hurtful things to you.... most people would know that by saying those things they'd be ruining any chance of reconciliation.....but he's so narcissistic that he thinks there should be no consequences for his actions. He's very clearly narcissistic. About a year ago I was a juror on a capital murder/kidnapping case in which the man (though cheating on his partner) thought his partner was cheating on him, and so he tricked her, and ambushed her when she walked in her door from work. He brutally and horrificly murdered her..............on a whim. And even as he stood in court, he was able to justify to hiimself what he'd done by saying "I loved her, and she cheated on me." (The saddest part, was there was never one ounce of proof she had actually cheated.....but he believed she had). So to a narcissist, to be done "wrong" is the ultimate sin because they see themselves so far beyond everyone else. He believed she had done him wrong, and it was punishable by death.
Is narcissism an excuse for your poor excuse for a husbands behavior? No...and let me point out, the defendant in this case was diagnosed with "narcissistic personality disorder and OCD" but was declared mentally competent to stand trial. Meaning, his diagnosis was no excuse for his behavior.
Here's some info:
Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:
1.Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways. (He doesn't feel the least bit bad about cheating, about leaving his wife and children, or what he's put you through. He will "feel bad" only when it's convenient for him in order to try to get you back.
2.Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others. Sound familiar? Take a look at the last text he sent you. He's trying to shame you, to make you feel like a bad wife for even hypothetically moving on with your life EVEN though he cheated more than once, and left you and his children for another woman.
3.Arrogance - A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else. "I hope you don't bore him as much as you did me" along with some of the other degrading and insulting things he's said to you about you since all this went down. He has regulary tried to diminish your self esteem.
4.Envy - A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person. He basically says "Its okay for me to cheat and to leave you for her....but it's not okay for you to move on." Why? Because HE is superior and by minimizing you, he maximizes himself...or at least he thinks he does.
5.Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage. This can get very scary. Because no matter how wrong he does you, no matter what horrible things he says to you, he is entitled to have you back when he wants you back, because he's "special" and thinks because he's "special" there should be no consequences to his actions. If you don't agree, he'll accuse you of being difficult, of giving up on your marriage, of not loving him, etc. And he may get very angry.
6.Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.Self explanatory....
7.Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
See how this works? Even though you were a good wife, loved your husband, are a good mother...... if you don't do ONE thing a narcissist wants you to do, then you are in a sense worthless to them. Because you're there to make them happy. Or at least thats what they think. Hence the "why didn't you light candles " bla bla bla, etc. If you rejected him for sex once, out of 5 times in which you said yes, you are worthless and this in his eyes totally justifies him having sex with someone else.
This was incredibly long. Sorry for that.
I just want you to be able to remain clear during your moments of weakness....to be able to talk yourself out of the dark and to realize the severity of what you're dealing with. But most importantly, to realize that what you loved was the man you thought you had, not the man you truly had. The man you truly had is not worth the breath it takes to speak a sentence to him. And once you're able to resolve yourself to that, the healing part will be so much easier. More hugs and prayers coming your way!!!!
Is narcissism an excuse for your poor excuse for a husbands behavior? No...and let me point out, the defendant in this case was diagnosed with "narcissistic personality disorder and OCD" but was declared mentally competent to stand trial. Meaning, his diagnosis was no excuse for his behavior.
Here's some info:
Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:
1.Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways. (He doesn't feel the least bit bad about cheating, about leaving his wife and children, or what he's put you through. He will "feel bad" only when it's convenient for him in order to try to get you back.
2.Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others. Sound familiar? Take a look at the last text he sent you. He's trying to shame you, to make you feel like a bad wife for even hypothetically moving on with your life EVEN though he cheated more than once, and left you and his children for another woman.
3.Arrogance - A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else. "I hope you don't bore him as much as you did me" along with some of the other degrading and insulting things he's said to you about you since all this went down. He has regulary tried to diminish your self esteem.
4.Envy - A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person. He basically says "Its okay for me to cheat and to leave you for her....but it's not okay for you to move on." Why? Because HE is superior and by minimizing you, he maximizes himself...or at least he thinks he does.
5.Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage. This can get very scary. Because no matter how wrong he does you, no matter what horrible things he says to you, he is entitled to have you back when he wants you back, because he's "special" and thinks because he's "special" there should be no consequences to his actions. If you don't agree, he'll accuse you of being difficult, of giving up on your marriage, of not loving him, etc. And he may get very angry.
6.Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.Self explanatory....
7.Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
See how this works? Even though you were a good wife, loved your husband, are a good mother...... if you don't do ONE thing a narcissist wants you to do, then you are in a sense worthless to them. Because you're there to make them happy. Or at least thats what they think. Hence the "why didn't you light candles " bla bla bla, etc. If you rejected him for sex once, out of 5 times in which you said yes, you are worthless and this in his eyes totally justifies him having sex with someone else.
This was incredibly long. Sorry for that.
I just want you to be able to remain clear during your moments of weakness....to be able to talk yourself out of the dark and to realize the severity of what you're dealing with. But most importantly, to realize that what you loved was the man you thought you had, not the man you truly had. The man you truly had is not worth the breath it takes to speak a sentence to him. And once you're able to resolve yourself to that, the healing part will be so much easier. More hugs and prayers coming your way!!!!
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