[amymarie471]

Kayla

Thank you very much for all your advice,your are extremely smart of this subject, so you have either been through all this or you are a counselor. I wish I could afford extra help like that but I just don't even know if it would work anyway. My husband now, is calling me a **** and saying how I probably cheated on him and didn't get caught. I am ashamed to admit this, but for the last couple days I've been overpowering him with sex. Buying sexy underwear etc.Trying to be this sexy women, I maybe should of been back then, but the strange this I've also been very sexual and he used to reject me all the time and it hurt my feelings. I felt unwanted and for some reason while we are having sex now, I am trying to prove I'm better. But, she was the one better because if I would of been a smaller weight, and my sex was better, he would of never gone anywhere else. She had no bad experiences with him( he's done alot before to hurt me) and she was fun to be with. I was struggling with my past with him and paying almost all the bills in the house, I always had stress. She was a fun outlet and I believe he feel in love with her. He is sticking to the story about it was a month fling and then they were just friends, but everyone knows once you've had sex with a person you are attracted to, it's easier to have it again and again or at least fool around sometimes. All that time, I went to work everyday and dealt with reality while he lived in his little world with her. I'm still angry and not doing as well today as I did yesterday. I did say to her...you were so pretty, you could of had anyone, why my husband? She never answered. I am going to try to stick it out through the summer, and then move out. But, it just don't think it will be as easy as I thought.

[kaylar]

You did nothing wrong.
You were not at fault in any way shape or form
and have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to attempt
to seduce this man as if you are in competition
with his ****.

A few years ago a man who was married to a
Beauty Queen, a woman who was physically
perfect, who also happened to be intelligent
and had a very high paying job, cheated on her
with a female the parking lot attendent didn't
look twice at.

The **** was a clerk of a Court and people were
coming there to look at her. Because they couldn't
believe that Husband would cheat on Wife for
such a crummy girl.

She was gaunt, had two left feet, was a dumb as
dirt, and it became the biggest talking point amont
the legal fraternity.

How could he betray his wife for that?
Simple.
That would do anything for him and because he
wanted to cheat and That was available, he dealt
with That.

The story has a sweet twist.

Wife, (for whom this was not the first but would
be the last affair) had previously made plans to
leave him as soon as he was caught again.

When she found out about That, this is what she
did....

On Friday she moved all the furniture she wanted
out of the house to another flat in which lived a
very attractive younger man whom she had kept
on the back burner.

Husband couldn't find wife all weekend and went
nuts. couldn't believe she had left him...on Monday
he got the Divorce papers.

He went to the Wife's office...she had taken a week's
leave...so for one week my boy couldn't find her.

When he did he was hysterical all over the place,
but when he saw the gorgeous Hunk that she was
with...it was like...uhhhhh.

Anyway, wife got EVERYTHING.
The Husband got That.

Your mistake is blaming yourself.

[amymarie471]

Still upset

I guess I first need to make something clear, my husband owns nothing, he doesn't have a drivers permit(too many DUI's), a car, house, nothing. Basically, he is a loser and not much a future. But, even though he is a loser , my babysitter(bestfriend) knew that and it didn't matter. This makes my husband feel above me. Like he got this hot girl even though he has nothing. He makes me feel as if I am going to end up with an ugly,loser after I leave him. I don't believe that, but I am worried about finding someone else and the same thing happening. As of today, my husband still doesn't act sorry. He says he's sorry but acts differently. I want him to hurt like he's never hurt before. He had a two year affair, called her every day at lunch time, saw her every day when he picked up my son. I can't get over this, I tried. This weekend, I told myself, just to forget it all. Have a great weekend with him. I did. Then Monday, I look at the phone records again and it all rushes back in. Why, should I act happy and loving...by doing this, he get away with everything he did to me. I'm so messed up and I still have to go to work every day and try to be a good mom at home. These two things alone are very hard for me right now to do. Not to mention, the constant thoughts that just won't go away.

[Pelle]

I can't.

My husband cheated on me for almost a year. I suspected it when he bought a new cell phone and suddenly decided to take a trip to Fort Worth. I replied, "You don't know anyone in Fort Worth!" He explained that he wanted to take a vacation by himself...since he had oodles of vacation time and I didn't. "Why in the world would you go to Fort Worth?" I asked him. Don't get me wrong...Fort Worth is a nice town, but not exactly the first locale that comes to mind when I want to vacation. Plus, we live in Austin - it's only about 3 hours away.

When he returned, I asked him if he was having an affair. He denied it. Nearly a year passed. I learned that he had a secret email account and I thought, "I wonder if he uses the password he always uses for this?" Sure enough, he did, and I read the litany of emails from her. They are having a "long distance" relationship...when I took a trip to another state during Labor Day week-end last year (he didn't want to go - now we know why), she came up to Austin.

I kicked him out of the house, changed the locks, etc. Five days later, I relented and asked him to consider marital counseling. He refused and said he wanted a divorce. I really didn't believe him...but during our separation, we rarely talked. Last week, he served me divorce papers, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah.

It's sad because it seems that overnight, he began to hate me. He actually blamed the affair on me! I thought this man was my soul mate and we were destined to be together forever. But of course, nothing lasts forever.

I still care for him, of course, and I feel much pain. However, I know that one day I will wake up...and not care about him...and not feel anymore pain. I'm so looking forward to that day.

Thank God we didn't have any kids - I would hate to put them through this ordeal.

[kaylar]

The Wife often has very little to do with the affair.
The times she does, Husband is 'getting back' at her.

For example, George was a loser. At first he and Fiona
were equal, but then she started to go ahead, and
he started to go backwards.

He developed a resentment for Fiona and went to bed
with a girl who wasn't as pretty as bright, as anything
as Fiona. There was no comparison.

When Fiona found out she was devastated, hysterical
her life collapsed, and he felt good. He was important
to Fiona.

He certainly didn't want Fiona to divorce him because
then he'd be a non-person.

In some cases as in Pelle's, the relenting was a mistake
Many times a man will put HIS WIFE on a pedastal, and
when she resorts to the kind of behaviour he gets from
his ****, well, she can't be anything if she is worshipping
him, because he knows he's garbage.

Had Pelle never relented,he'd be begging.

[amymarie471]

Makes sense

At first, I had no career really, no future, when I meant my husband, after time, I started a career and ended up making way more money then my husband. I know this bothered him, being that he is a mans man. My husband is abusive,I know I didn't meantion that before, because I just look stupid for staying with him. When I say abusive, I'm not talking about being pushed around. But, through it all I stayed. The hope of a changed man, kept me there and our great sex. (that sounds so bad i know) Anyway, my son never really saw the abuse until lately. The fighting is getting worse. I can't keep my mouth shut about my hurt and my questions about situations in the two years. I need to leave him now and forget about the great summer I wanted my son to have on the water. He is out of control. You know he heard me on the phone with a friend and I was making fun of my old babysitter/bestfriend and my husband's situation. (Trying to make myself feel better) And that night, my husband was so mad at me, he said me talking to people and making fun of him, was worse then the two year affair he had done. He is starting to hate me too, why can't I be so important to him, to really act sorry and try to repair the damage he had done to me?? I still love him, I wish to go I didn't. I have to fall out of love with him and now with him turning the tables and being mad at me, I feel even more rejected. Something is very wrong with me, who would still love a man who has done so much to hurt them. I too pray for the day, I don't hurt and become happy.

[kaylar]

Man who feel guilty always try to turn the tables around.
Always try to make the wife feel somehow responsible.

You're not responsible.

The problem started the day you ended up making more
money than he did, no longer being dependent on him.

I've seen this happen with money, I've even seen it
happen when the husband's friends like the wife better
than the husband.

It is time to leave...
a friend of mine waited until her son was a nervous
wreck before she left. It was so bad that any loud
voice, even lifted in joke had him trembling.

Let him enjoy Miss Disposable, I'm sure there are
lots of ****s where she came from.

[Pelle]

The Wife often has very little to do with the affair.
The times she does, Husband is 'getting back' at her.

For example, George was a loser. At first he and Fiona
were equal, but then she started to go ahead, and
he started to go backwards.

He developed a resentment for Fiona and went to bed
with a girl who wasn't as pretty as bright, as anything
as Fiona. There was no comparison.

When Fiona found out she was devastated, hysterical
her life collapsed, and he felt good. He was important
to Fiona.

He certainly didn't want Fiona to divorce him because
then he'd be a non-person.

In some cases as in Pelle's, the relenting was a mistake
Many times a man will put HIS WIFE on a pedastal, and
when she resorts to the kind of behaviour he gets from
his ****, well, she can't be anything if she is worshipping
him, because he knows he's garbage.

Had Pelle never relented,he'd be begging.

Not sure if he'd ever be begging. I think he was mad because I kicked him out of the house and he had to tell his oh-so-proper-family about the reason. It made him look less in their eyes because they are majorly conservative and he's the only person in their family who has ever been divorced (I'm wife #2).

I put up with a lot during this marriage - he was still friendly with wife #1 and his parents were still very close to her. They invited her to EVERY family gathering - Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas - you name it. I silently endured it because this woman had never done anything to me, and she was always quite nice to me. Besides, she had no family except for a sister - everyone else in her family had died.

My soon to be ex would belittle me and constantly was grabbing at my breasts - even in public. When I complained, he would counter with "You like it!" and continue. He also would peek in at me when I was in the shower, saying my prayers. My cat often liked to sit on the ledge of the bath, between the shower and liner curtains. She liked the hot steam, I think. My soon to be ex sometimes would pick up the cat and "pretend" to throw her into the shower - she didn't like it, and I would always tell him to stop. "She likes it," was his retort. A sick, sick monster.

[kaylar]

You are well quit of him.

One of the things life teaches, is never to forgive
a man. Whatever he did he did it intentionally and
is sorry he was caught.

Hence, what he feels guilt and shame about is being
caught, not being unfaithful.

If one, in spite of the adultery, maintains the marriage,
then the marriage must be maintained on the wife's
grounds, not the husband's. It can't be Business as
Usual, make believe that part didn't happen.

Men who cheat, cheat. They have serial relationships.

So Dave is married to Mary, but has been unfaithful to
her numerous times with women of varying levels and
lenghts of affairs.

For Mary to 'forgive' Dave for his first dalliance would
be ridiculous, because she was the first, not the last.

For Mary to try to 'recapture' the relationship pre
affair, is pathetic. It is never going to be the way it
was.

Dave might be more circumspect, only seeing his
**** at convenient times, that is, convenient to Mary...
(when she's not home, when she's too busy for him)
taking her to out of the way places where no one
who knows him or Mary should be, (contra being seen
with his **** in common places) and writing the rules;
a) NEVER CALL ME AT HOME NOT EVEN ON MY CELL
b) NEVER GO ANYWHERE MY WIFE MIGHT SEE YOU
c) IF YOU SEE ME IN PUBLIC PRETEND YOU DON'T
KNOW ME
Breach of any of these rules leads to immediate
termination with prejudice.

(I'm not inventing here)

Mary puts up with it because she's a high powered
business woman who really doesn't have the time or
inclination to be this man's wife. The money he brings
in is good, he makes a great social impression, and her
status would be effected if she divorced him.

[Pelle]

You are well quit of him.

One of the things life teaches, is never to forgive
a man. Whatever he did he did it intentionally and
is sorry he was caught.

Hence, what he feels guilt and shame about is being
caught, not being unfaithful.

If one, in spite of the adultery, maintains the marriage,
then the marriage must be maintained on the wife's
grounds, not the husband's. It can't be Business as
Usual, make believe that part didn't happen.

Men who cheat, cheat. They have serial relationships.

So Dave is married to Mary, but has been unfaithful to
her numerous times with women of varying levels and
lenghts of affairs.

For Mary to 'forgive' Dave for his first dalliance would
be ridiculous, because she was the first, not the last.

For Mary to try to 'recapture' the relationship pre
affair, is pathetic. It is never going to be the way it
was.

Dave might be more circumspect, only seeing his
**** at convenient times, that is, convenient to Mary...
(when she's not home, when she's too busy for him)
taking her to out of the way places where no one
who knows him or Mary should be, (contra being seen
with his **** in common places) and writing the rules;
a) NEVER CALL ME AT HOME NOT EVEN ON MY CELL
b) NEVER GO ANYWHERE MY WIFE MIGHT SEE YOU
c) IF YOU SEE ME IN PUBLIC PRETEND YOU DON'T
KNOW ME
Breach of any of these rules leads to immediate
termination with prejudice.

(I'm not inventing here)

Mary puts up with it because she's a high powered
business woman who really doesn't have the time or
inclination to be this man's wife. The money he brings
in is good, he makes a great social impression, and her
status would be effected if she divorced him.

I sure wish my husband made good money. He really didn't make any more dough than I did. It would be nice to get something out of this bad excuse for a relationship. Instead, I'll be lucky to hang on to what I have.

I guess I'm still just baffled with how in less than a week he could go from being a loving, dutiful husband to hating my guts (when I kicked him out for cheating). I suppose he has hated me for a long time - but wow, what an actor. Even Ben Kingsley couldn't have put on a better performance!