[zarzie]

So it is a long story.
we had a young lady stay with us from overseas, a few weeks into her stay her bf dumped her. My husband had time off work so he showed her the sights and local attractions. She then left our place and went travelling for 3 weeks, during this time she sent my husband TXT messages, Skyped him and Msn messaged him. I found this a little wierd as why would she contact him but not me and not her family, but I just brushed these bad feelings away, I also said to my husband make sure she does not get a crush on you as he is a soft hearted sweet gentle fella (a fairytale husband) He told me "Nah she just misses us, she ask's about you all the time!)

Then one night in his sleep he sleep talks saying her name and that he loves her loves her so much! mmm NOw I am getting suss! We had a huge fight he said he has no idea why he said it and does not mean it and I am his wife and only love.

So then she gets back from travelling and is distant towards me... We all go away on a holiday (my husband and her go away night before to set the tents up, I was not concerned about this thought he is with me and loves me - no need to be jealous)
and i am still suss and look through her bag... what do I find... condoms. So I let my husband know. I said I have found condoms in her bag, I am not accusing you of anything but I want you to know they are there just in case she puts the hard word on you. He told me i was silly and all single girls carry them and he does not know why she bought them with her and to stop being a jealous house wife! So I try and calm myself down and not to worry, after all he is married to me a life is great and we love each other, why would he lie to me.

The next day I am not convinced so I look in her bag and find her mobile phone with messages to him declaring her love for him, and that she can not stop thinking about him, and wants to spend every night with him. SO now I start thinking with my emotions and not my brain I went straight up to him told him what i found and he confessed. ( dumb me though did not check the messages he sent back to her!) So I kicked her out, got rid of her out of our life, but now I am left to pick up the pieces.

I love my husband and I want a future with him and he says the same too, but how do I not let his lying to me consume me. It is eating me up not knowing how he replied to her, obviously we have discussed this plenty of times but that little part of me is doubtful there is more, what more has he not told me. He keeps saying he did not want to tell me cause it takes 2 to tango and he only liked her as a best friend a mate, company and he felt if he told me I would get all jealous and kick her out (and I most likely would of)

I am just confused and want my life to be back to normal how it was before she arrived. I want to forget this ever happened, but I am scared..., Please help me move past it and forgive him.

[Hopeless Dork]

Its quite possible that he was just flattered by her interest in him. The male ego (the female ego as well) can make people more receptive to advances , even if they don't plan on taking it further. Who doesn't like hearing how awesome they are that someone has fallen for them? Its quite the boost. Some people get addicted to that feeling and seek it with more and more people and will actually enter into affairs because of it... so there has to be a line drawn between getting a little flattery and engaging back and forth with heavy flirting until feelings develop.

He should have drawn that line a long time ago. So your best bet in trying to heal and recover from this is to find out why he needed a 'best friend, mate' out of a female that was obviously interested in more. What he felt was lacking, what he felt he needed that she gave that he just had to keep in his life... at the risk of you finding out and possibly leaving him over... its important to know where his head was at before you can figure out if its something that is likely to happen again or not.

Its possibly you can use this as an opportunity to find a way to strengthen your relationship, to find out what he is needing more of from you, to divulge what you would like more of out of him -- as far as attention, affection, support and even sex goes.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, it's pretty sad when you put faith, trust into a marriage and no jealousy only to be trodden on.....

Can I ask who this young lady was to you both?

You are never going to know what he texted back, or the extent of what occured, his reply of "mates" well, I think you know a woman doesn't declare love to someone whom they've never kissed so to speak....

You do need closure so it depends on how strong you are, you deserve to know the truth no matter how hard that is, or how much that hurts, and make your decision from there...

In that, you both need to assess as well, in my opinion why anything, occured full stop...Is there something missing? Can that be worked on?

It's a long process, you may forgive one day but you will not forget....

But, in the "not" knowing, it will eat at you.....tell him to man up and fess up all, as you deserve it.....And, what will be will be.

CW

[WildChild]

Does he know that you didn't read his messages to her?
When you are dealing with a liar and a cheat you may have to resort to some subterfuge to get the truth. DOn't tell him What you know, just tell him That you know and that if there is to be any chance of staying together you need to hear him tell you the truth. Tell him you Know he hasn't told you everything, don't give any hints or direct it, by things like mentioning the text responses. Be warned if he doesn't know what you know, you may find out more than you imagined.

[Jim60]

Well, a view from the other side.

I got unwanted attention from a woman who worked for me.

I liked her, she was interesting to talk to. But on the level of, if she was a guy who shared my interests it would have been the same. Actually, she didn't share my interests, we were complete oposites, but that was the interest. No way we could have ever sustained an emotional relationship and no way was she going to have sex outside her marriage with anyone (major christian).

However, she developed some kind of emotional attachment to me which lead to texts and phone calls, I mistakenly helped her out with stuff like lifts, talking to people on her behalf etc and so she then would ask me rather than her layabout husband but I am a nice guy so did too much, then my wife got ****ed and suspicious with this so I put an end to the whole thing with some trauma. But at some points I lied to my wife as couldn't stand stress at work and home as well. Yet did nothing wrong, except I lied to my wife, but felt driven to it.

Not saying I did right, or that's what happened here, but just catching someone in a lie doesn't mean they have necessarily done anything worse than tell a lie - bad, but not the end of the world.

Don't like the sound of him going on ahead to set up the tents though - suggests he was comfortable in her company - I'd have busted my leg rather than have been alone in the bush with that woman at the end. In the early stages though, who knows?

[WildChild]

Perhaps we should ask, what was it he confessed?

[zarzie]

He admits that he is lonely, and bored, and that this girl was on holidays and was always happy and carefree, and I was always stressed and busy (i work full time, study full time do his business bookwork and manage the house) He said they had a common interest and he enjoyed her company. He says he thought he could handle it and at the end of the day she was going home in 3 weeks and he did not intend to encourage her, he kept telling her he did not like lying to me and to stop.

I truly believe he did not kiss her or sleep with her but that 1% of me when I get tired and emotional makes me paranoid. And then I start thinking the worst.

We had a big talk last night and he fessed up with a lot of things saying he is bored and feel the pressures of life. He also said He has to work on making more of an effort with making male friends and not so many female friends and join some groups. And I hate to admit it but he said that I am very moody, jealous and y at times and that I am hard to live with. I don't want to make excuses but I have had a termination of a pregnancy and major surgery for endometriosis the year just passed. And with my work load I feel the stress just as much as he does. And that is why he did not tell me about her, he said i would be really jealous and there would of been a big mess and it would of ended badly. And i would of made her leave, and he thought he could manage the situation.

Also it came out last night that he thinks our sex life is mundane - He said yes he is happy with it, but i might like to try different positions instead of the same way all the time, and be a bit more spontaneous.

I do trust him and I do love him, I want him to feel as though he could of told me what was happening, and us deal with it together, but he feels I would of gotten y and mean and horrible to this girl (she was a mutual new friend to both of us) and the sad thing is he is right I would of asked her to leave as her staying with us just encouraged her feelings towards him.

I just want to forget it ever happened and move on, but I struggle with the lying - I am always reading into things he says. I know I am being a paranoid jealous housewife, and don't like it. Please help me to forget it and erase it from my mind. Is that ever possible?

At the end of the day I do see a future with my husband and I do not want this struggle of mine to ruin or make it worse - after all everyone deserves a second chance right.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun, I'd forget about the lying, from the point of view that he claims it's because you get jealous and he thought he could handle it...You say you trust him in that he's telling you the truth....Only you know him...

Seems he's reaching out to you, as I commented, there is always something missing when attention is given elsewhere, even emotionally....

I'm sorry for the pregnancy problems and illness...

You work full time
Study full time
Do his bookwork
Attend to the household
Have been ill
Rely on the same sexual positions
Are not spontaneous


What about him?

He owns a business
Works what, 9 - 5?
Has no hobbies
Has no male friends

I see bored, lonley on two fronts....One, because of his own cause and effect, working coming home, that's it....no hobbies, male friends and two you have way to much going on in your life, there is no real room for a husband...

He needs to do exactly what he stated, but you need to find ways, either with his help or outside help, to give yourself more time, so you two can have a proper marriage, not a friendship....

For the record as well?

That's his list of what he wishes you both can work on to change...

Surely you have a small list too of what you would like him to do, so you both can work on that change

CW

[zarzie]

So I downloaded deleted txt messages and whamoo there they are claining his lover for her and stating that he can not wait to see her again, and that he can not wait to spend the night alone with her. And all this happened because of who I am and how i am!

He says he did not sleep with her but who takes a girl away for the night and does not sleep with her! They planned it for days and txt
ed back and forth.

I am completely devestated. He says he wants to go to get help for both of us, but how do I ever trust him again, will I ever trust him again? Do you ever forget when you hafve been lied to on so many levels?

[zarzie]

WELL HE FINALLY CONFESSED AFTER i BUSTED HIM THAT YEP THE FEELING IS MUTUAL HE LOVES HER AFTER 3 WEEKS OF KNOWING HER - APPARENTLY IT WAS NOT PLANNED AND HE HAD NO PLANS FOR WHEN SHE LEFT AND WENT BACK HOME! HE JUST LOVED HER AND HER COMPANY!