[Guest]

there are certainly counselors who are as confused about this subject as many people on this forum are. and they unwittingly serve up the same poison of which people have come to them to be cured.

but this one percent thing - i don't agree with you on that. porn addiction is strong - it involves both physical & emotional holds on a person. they're hard to shake & require as much white-knuckled will power as they do good therapy.

but one percent? i've heard statistics similar to this regarding pedophiles & violent sex offenders. but i believe the numbers of men who turn their backs on porn genuinely equal a much greater percentage.

i would never tell you that your decision to move on was wrong. i don't know the details of your experience, although what little you've shared here is enough to paint a dark picture. there are men who never, ever free themselves from porn. period. and there are women who simply cannot tolerate the porn in their marriages. period.

but if you'll read my posts - at least the ones that attempt intelligence, rather than the ones where i'm pillow-fighting with dude/hotdogg - you'll see that mine is a message of hope. i truly believe that there is hope for people struggling with this issue.

and those trapped in the despair of porn addiction - be it the addict or his/her spouse or child(ren) - typically feel absolutely hopeless. it is a dark & terrible place.

i see myself standing at the opening of the pit, where the light is, shouting down to the bottom, where the victims lie in despair. they can't imagine that there is any light - but there is.

and all these voices screaming about how great porn is & how healthy it is for a marriage are drowning out the light - making the victims feel that much more like there is no hope.

and i think telling them that therapy is useless & they need to just give up is equally dishonest. no offense intended to you or what you've been through or how you've handled it. there is often a scrambling that people endure where they can only survive & simply do what they must to get by. i understand that - and it typically is a response to a partner's unwillingless to begin the long, difficult climb out of the pit.

it's hard enough to climb out with help - much less with the dead weight of an irresponsive partner dragging you downward, as seems to have been your case.

[the dude]

the problem with whilhelm is he assumes alot of things, he assumes that everyone that looks at porn is an addict. would he assume that people who consume alcohol are all alcoholics. no and porn is no different.

he likes to feed the lie that porn destroys relationships, no it does not, porn has not destroyed my relationship, or any of my friends relationships.

i would ignore whilhelms one sided opinion and do you're own research on the subject, although i would avoid any religious web sites if you want a unbiased opinion.

[Guest]

i would agree if that were true.

where do you find me saying that everyone who looks at porn is an addict?

i can quote myself on here saying the opposite.

[Guest]

i would ignore whilhelms one sided opinion and do you're own research on the subject, although i would avoid any religious web sites if you want a unbiased opinion.

i couldn't agree more. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH! don't take my word for any of this.

i'm very confident about what you'll find.

let me start you out with some unbiased, NON religious information regarding the beautiful world of porn...

these are, of course, not pornographic, but are about porn - so they can only be but so tasteful:

**** edit by WH admin - linking to external sites not allowed ****


are we ok, dude? i won't make it through the night if i think you're angry...

[Guest]

where do you find me saying that everyone who looks at porn is an addict?

were you wrong?

or are you still looking...

[Gia]

To Whilhelm

there are certainly counselors who are as confused about this subject as many people on this forum are. and they unwittingly serve up the same poison of which people have come to them to be cured.

If these Psychologists are as confused about this subject, then they should not be giving the advice that they do, they therefore misrepresent themselves thus mislead their clients. (This is why there is MAL practice insurance) As you recall, our marriage counselor specifically stated that:

1. I, the wife of a PORN addicted husband should engage in the PORN with my husband to maintain our marriage. This psychologist also asked me in therapy if I have any addictions. My husband and I agreed that Yes, I do love Chocolate and I indeed am overly organized although not compulsive! I proceeded to state that although I love chocolate, I am not hurting anybody. I exercise every day and I remain in great physical and cardio shape for a Gal in her 30's who has two children, however I do love Chocolate! Do you believe that this Pseudo therapist was actually spending one hour of my time and money interrogating me to try and find an addiction that I have and therefore compare it to my husbands' PORNO addiction, This is what PSEUDO therapists do, they blame the husband's PORN addiction on the wives! Then to top it off:

2. This Psychotherapist started to play "Freud" asking us questions about both of our childrens' birth. My husband and I stated that yes, he was present in the delivery room for both childrens' birth. This PSEUDO therapist proceeded to ask if after our children were born did my husband's sexual desire for me change. This Pseuo therapist was again blaming my husband's PORN addiction on my children and myself, inferring that everytime he tries to make love to me, he sub consciously imagines the birth of our children, the blood, the pain, me without wearing make up giving birth etc..(this obviously turnes him off) thus this psychotherapist stated that MEN need the fantasy of other attractive women. I therefore stated that the other women (PORN Stars) are prostitutes(they are dirtier and bloodier than the Freudian child birth theory!) I asked why would mothers and child birth be viewed as un clean by husbands and PORN stars (dirty, filthy prostitutes) be interpreted as beautiful, gorgeous women who have the potential to transmit AIDS, HERPES etc... This repulsed me. Why would a husband want to masturbate to these "filthy women" and not make love to their own wives who gave birth to their children?

3. This also supports the theory when we turn on our television, there are many Women's commercials depicting the married women as dirty, filthy and has a bad odor thus needs to "douche". Married PORN addicted men sub consiously do not want to "make love" their wives because of many of these subliminal T.V.commercials that portray the average 30 plus housewife/mother needing a"douche", but why do PORN addicted husbands continue to masturbate to the filthy, repulsive and degrading PORN star prostitutes who transmit AIDS and HERPES?

Then you turn on another T.V.channel and ****ty music stars, girls Gone Wild etc...reality TV women stars are perceived as beautiful!
All three points I have made therefore support the fact that no matter what: "wives and mothers" will always be blamed for the fact that their husbands are PORN addicts!

Furthermore, when I am dating other men I no longer have to worry about them thinking of me in a grotesque way "giving birth to children"! and then being "turned off" (as my husband was turned off from sex with me because of the child birth issues I mentioned). The men I date and have sex with do not have that kind of "history" with me which makes my dating a fresh, clean start!

These psychotherapists also blame my husband's PORN addiction on my advanced degrees (I am writing a second dissertation) for my Doc. Thesis, and the pseudotherpist feels that my husband is threatened by this, therefore he uses PORN. Also, I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 50's and the Pseudo therapist blames his porn usage on his "mid life" crisis.(this is ridiculous because my husband has been using PORN well over 10 years)

GiaView Public ProfileFind all posts by GiaAdd Gia to Your Buddy List

but this one percent thing - i don't agree with you on that. porn addiction is strong - it involves both physical & emotional holds on a person. they're hard to shake & require as much white-knuckled will power as they do good therapy.

but one percent? i've heard statistics similar to this regarding pedophiles & violent sex offenders. but i believe the numbers of men who turn their backs on porn genuinely equal a much greater percentage.

i would never tell you that your decision to move on was wrong. i don't know the details of your experience, although what little you've shared here is enough to paint a dark picture. there are men who never, ever free themselves from porn. period. and there are women who simply cannot tolerate the porn in their marriages. period

The deep dark place: In conjunction with my husband masturbating at home to PORN, Many other times, I sat in bed with lingerie on waiting to have sex with him. My husband said that he was going to the local grocery store to buy me flowers for the occasion, he often used the excuse going out late at night to buy groceries last minute and indeed he came home approx. one 1/2 hour later with groceries, and flowers. I would check the receipt to therefore analyze the time (there would be a descrepancy of approx. 45 minutes) One night, I followed him to a PORN Video store where he went into a room, they call it a "loop" whereby these men put quarters in machines and watch PORN Prostitutes and my husand was actually masturbating in PUBLIC similar to that perverted creep "Pee Wee Herman" This totally repulsed me! This was actually the "straw that broke" the camels back within our marriage. Please note that This PORN store like many attract live Prostitutes "hanging out"etc...

but if you'll read my posts - at least the ones that attempt intelligence, rather than the ones where i'm pillow-fighting with dude/hotdogg - you'll see that mine is a message of hope. i truly believe that there is hope for people struggling with this issue.

and those trapped in the despair of porn addiction - be it the addict or his/her spouse or child(ren) - typically feel absolutely hopeless. it is a dark & terrible place.

Speaking from experience, I was fortunate to have PLAN B. EDUCATION is key, I was lucky to have had wonderful parents who put me through college for my undergraduate degrees when I was 17, 18, 19, 20 and 21. I had a superb college education to fall back on which gave me a level of self esteem and confidence I would not have had otherwise! I have met women at these anti PORN support groups who do not have anything to fall back, no PLAN B. Their PORN addicted husbands also have anger problems and are verbally abusive, telling their wives that they are "fat, ugly, ****** etc... and these women believe them! I have encouraged at least two women to focus on themselves, not their PORN addicted husbands and work towards that college degree, start out at a junior college, taking baby steps etc... Also, there are many resources for women to receive help. There is free legal aid if they choose to divorce their Porn addicted husbands etc... college scholarships for them etc...

i see myself standing at the opening of the pit, where the light is, shouting down to the bottom, where the victims lie in despair. they can't imagine that there is any light - but there is.

and all these voices screaming about how great porn is & how healthy it is for a marriage are drowning out the light - making the victims feel that much more like there is no hope.

and i think telling them that therapy is useless & they need to just give up is equally dishonest. no offense intended to you or what you've been through or how you've handled it. there is often a scrambling that people endure where they can only survive & simply do what they must to get by. i understand that - and it typically is a response to a partner's unwillingless to begin the long, difficult climb out of the pit.

Most therapy is useless, (via my experiences!) I met a woman, age 68 who spent the past 30 years focusing on her PORN addicted husband. He is also is an alcoholic. She continues to tell me "if she knew then what she now knows, then she would have gone back to college" or perhaps into a career to focus on herself and children and not her husband! I continue to encourage her that she should still commit to college if that is what she truely wants and indeed she does! It is impossible for us wives to "juggle all three" (our co dependency issues with our porn addicted husbands, raising children and attending college!) so...I decided to give up the husband! The PORN addiction is emotionally draining for the wives... Who the Heck needs it? Not Me, I would rather invest my time into my children, advanced college degrees to prosper at work, travel overseas etc...... and move forward, date men (WITH NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT!). It's the emotional attachment in abusive marriages (husbands addiction to PORN, Anger, Drugs, alcohol etc...) that destroys the wives entire self worth and being. She is the one who has to "climb out of that hole" and I will make sure I will be a friend, mentor and an advocate for my women friends whose husbands, like my husband are PORN addicts!

it's hard enough to climb out with help - much less with the dead weight of an irresponsive partner dragging you downward, as seems to have been your case.

Thank you for all of your advice.

[Guest]

sounds like you no doubt made the right decision.

unfortunate for him. he will wake up one day to realize he has invested all of himself into a worthless & unquenchable fire that will pay absolutely no return. but will have cost him everything.

they don't put that on the box covers do they.

[Gia]

To Whilhelm

Yes, I did make the right decision after having tried to help my Porn Addicted husband for the past ten years. The reason as to why he most likely did not stop using the Porn was because, I kept on taking him back,(he took our relationship for granted doubting that I would ever leave him), therefore he did not hit "rock bottom!" Somebody in our relationship needed to make changes and that was myself. Dating other men is not necessarily the right way and I am well aware of that, but it is what makes me comfortable at this stage in my life and it works for me!

Most addicts (Porn, drugs, anger, alcohol etc...) finally decide to change for the better thus move forward in their lives after they lose everything. Many times, The addiction exasperates the victimized spouse to focus on herself, children, career goals etc...and not him. Like myself, filing for divorce, him losing me (him losing us retiring and growing old together in the future), him losing the respect from our children, our home, (our children and I moving across the country) losing money to attorneys etc...Unfortunately, it had and it did come to this. Maybe now after he has lost it all he will "hit rock bottom," wake up, and finally smell the coffee and then get himself some help!" I just cannot and will not be there for him at this stage in my life. He will most likely do much better on his own, since many PORN addicts are complicated persons and are loners, they just want to be left alone!

[Gia]

To ConfusedX3

Please read my very last thread.(from today's date) Most likely I am older and the thread refers to everything my couples psychologists' said to us in therapy.

[Kimmiko]

Thank you Wilhelm. I've been so confused. This about sums it all up for me. I feel vindicated. What a relief to see that it's ok for me to have feelings on this subject... even if my Husband refuses to value them and be accountable in our marriage. It seems that men feel that kindness in a marriage means giving them lots and lots of sex. I'm a very kind person. However I am often unfulfilled when he has less energy for me because of the porn. He also gets kind of *****y - which I find is a dead give away to his sneeky behavior. I wonder from all my conversations with my hot friends that have the same problem if there isn't some equal opportunity for us girls who need a real connection in the bedroom sometimes. I was reading this christian web site on marriage and this cute man and wife talking about reverence and kindness towards one's husband. Belive it or not that is exactly what my husband complains about when I question him on the porn. Like he takes the moral high ground with me and makes me feel bad. How to make him see my needs. Yes we ladies have our own set of unique needs dude.