[Lovie]

Your Feelings Are Valid

I recently have found out that my husband watches porn. I was crushed and devastated. It hurt me. Sure most people will say get over it watch porn with him. I think this is the most sinful nature to condone. If your marriage is truly sacred and both of you believe in God. Please do not take the advice of a sinful person. I am crying and hurting over it. It has crushed my spirit and I do not know if we will ever truly be intimate agian. God made us for a reason. NOt to commit adult acts with another women on a screen. Do not let it take place. If you do you are allowing a whole new territory to be opened and you could be hurt alot more than you think. I for one have no intentions to sin right along with him. There are many positive alternitives to do. It will make your relationship pure and strong. That is why I am so broken over this and I totally understand why it would hurt, frustrate, sadden and crush someone.

Dear Emily,

I read your heart-felt message about the devistating discovery that your husband was being unfaithful to you by indulging in pornography. Your message hit so close to home for me and it was so sincere.

I am in the process of terminating my relationship with my boyfriend because of the same issue. I am 35 years old and he is 41. I've never been married, but he has been married twice in the past. Early on in our courtship there were signs that he had a lust problem but I ignored all of the red flags because he treated me nice. At first I noticed him staring at other women when we would go out to eat together. Then a short while later, I discovered his attraction to the Hooter's restraunt chain. Just recently, the issue of pornography came to light. To be honest, Emily, I never really thought about whether he looked at pornography or not until I came face-to-face with the reality of it. Then I was crushed......and deeply hurt that he was masturbating while looking at other women (mostly girls 20 years his junior) doing sex acts in the nude. Like I wasn't good enough or something.

I don't over-eat and I work out regularly......waaaaaaay more than he does that's for sure. I may not have had the surgery to look like those women in those movies or the women at Hooters, but I work very had to stay in shape and to look nice for him so it hurt me that he lusts after other women the way the does. I guess this is my fault because he and I were not "equally yoked" in the first place. I had not dated in over four years when I met him and I guess I was just so happy to have a man in my life again that I ignored what was right. Now I have the painful task of cutting myself free from this man.

I guess that I'm sending you this email because I can relate to your feelings and I do not think that you are wrong for how you feel. You are NOT over-reacting. Your feelings are valid and very well justified. I don't care what the other people on this website say. Him watching pornography is WRONG. In God's eyes its adultry and an abomination. You seem like a nice lady and you deserve better than that. I'm not encouraging you to leave him (although you certainly may have biblical grounds to do so). But you can't let it continue. I will pray for you and ask God to give you wisdom about what to do next.

[hotdogg]

i guess you should give up on men then!

because all men look at porn! all men check out other women some are more discreet about it but they all look.

you could be miss world and your man would still look. at the end of the day has he had sex with anyone else? if not he must think more of you because he would have cheated by now.

[nutmeg]

i guess you should give up on men then!

because all men look at porn! all men check out other women some are more discreet about it but they all look.

you could be miss world and your man would still look. at the end of the day has he had sex with anyone else? if not he must think more of you because he would have cheated by now.

i'm not going to argue whether porn is wrong, but it's simply not true that all men watch porn, just like some women watch porn.

and seeing people walking around the streets is not the same as watching porn.

i'm tired of hearing generalizations like this. i gave up on men years ago because i actually believed this sort of things people would tell me. somehow against all odds, my current partner managed to prove himself to not fit all these stereotypes. it's nothing sort of a miracle because i really had stacked up a huge set of walls for him to climb.

[hotdogg]

my current partner managed to prove himself to not fit all these stereotypes. it's nothing sort of a miracle because i really had stacked up a huge set of walls for him to climb.

so when you met him did you ask him if he was into porn?

also i know a lot of men, (i was in the army) they all had porn so i am not generalizing.

the only men that probably do not have porn are men of religion, priests etc, and men who believe that sex is dirty or masterbation is wrong which probably stems from a strict up bringing.

so what i meant to say was 99% of men look at porn.

[nutmeg]

so when you met him did you ask him if he was into porn?

no i didn't ask him because like i said, i wasn't looking for a relationship. we were both incredibly jaded and assumed a lot of things about the opposite sex based on what the majority say.

[Guest]

the only men that probably do not have porn are men of religion, priests etc, and men who believe that sex is dirty or masterbation is wrong which probably stems from a strict up bringing.

so what i meant to say was 99% of men look at porn.

sheer hogwash.

[Lovie]

Thank you, for your posts.

Dear Emily,

I read your heart-felt message about the devistating discovery that your husband was being unfaithful to you by indulging in pornography. Your message hit so close to home for me and it was so sincere.

I am in the process of terminating my relationship with my boyfriend because of the same issue. I am 35 years old and he is 41. I've never been married, but he has been married twice in the past. Early on in our courtship there were signs that he had a lust problem but I ignored all of the red flags because he treated me nice. At first I noticed him staring at other women when we would go out to eat together. Then a short while later, I discovered his attraction to the Hooter's restraunt chain. Just recently, the issue of pornography came to light. To be honest, Emily, I never really thought about whether he looked at pornography or not until I came face-to-face with the reality of it. Then I was crushed......and deeply hurt that he was masturbating while looking at other women (mostly girls 20 years his junior) doing sex acts in the nude. Like I wasn't good enough or something.

I don't over-eat and I work out regularly......waaaaaaay more than he does that's for sure. I may not have had the surgery to look like those women in those movies or the women at Hooters, but I work very had to stay in shape and to look nice for him so it hurt me that he lusts after other women the way the does. I guess this is my fault because he and I were not "equally yoked" in the first place. I had not dated in over four years when I met him and I guess I was just so happy to have a man in my life again that I ignored what was right. Now I have the painful task of cutting myself free from this man.

I guess that I'm sending you this email because I can relate to your feelings and I do not think that you are wrong for how you feel. You are NOT over-reacting. Your feelings are valid and very well justified. I don't care what the other people on this website say. Him watching pornography is WRONG. In God's eyes its adultry and an abomination. You seem like a nice lady and you deserve better than that. I'm not encouraging you to leave him (although you certainly may have biblical grounds to do so). But you can't let it continue. I will pray for you and ask God to give you wisdom about what to do next.

Dear whilhelm -

I'm "Lovie" and I wrote the post in the quote above. I would like to thank you for taking the time to educate ALL OF US on this very serious issue. You have obviously taken a lot of time to learn the facts about this very destructive industry and I am very proud of you for committing yourself to the happiness and the well-being of your lovely wife (who I'm sure in a saint) .

Some people on this thread say that porn does not harm ALL marriages, buy why would anyone who cherishes their mate want to roll the dice??? Marriage is about putting the needs and feelings of your spouse before your own trivial and carnal desires and I am touched to see a man in our day and age who understands that.

You haven't judged or insulted anyone on this thread. You haven't made this whole thing about winning an argument. You're just trying to provide us with information that will help us. Unfortunately, we are all going to be touched my the pornography industry sooner or later, so we need to know the facts about it so that we can make informed decisions about it WHEN (not if) we come face-to-face with it.

People need to know what the risks are BEFORE they decide to use or allow pornography into their marriage. There are enough people on this thread and on other websites that have been devastated by pornography to warrant a close examination of this thing so that people know what could possibly happen if they decide to use or allow pornography. If you insist on playing Russian Roulette with your marriage, you should at least know how many bullets are in the gun before you do it. Because once those images in are in your head, they are there forever.....there is no rehab clinic in the world that can remove them. So it behooves all of us to get educated before hand.

You seem to care a lot about women, whilhelm...... and not just your wife either.....you seem to care about ALL women......even the ladies on this thread who are objecting . Personally, I am very grateful for the posts that the scoffers have submitted because their opinion that "99% of men do it" is a viewpoint shared by most pro-porners and that view needed to be addressed....and think that you did an excellent job of doing so. I guess we can answer that opinion with the all-too-familiar question that our mothers asked us as children......

"If Billy jumped off of a cliff, would you do it?"

The fact that somebody else "seems" to not be negatively affected by it doesn't mean that we should allow this thing into our lives. Let's AT LEAST get the facts first. I think that our families are worth that much.

whilhelm, you seem to care a lot about this issue and you are an excellent communicator. It would be waist for your thoughts on this topic to stop with this thread. Would you consider submitting a freelance article about this issue to a newspaper like the NY Times or to a popular magazine? There are alot of men and women out there who would benefit from it. I hope that you do. It's not enough to just tell people that pornography is harmful and just leave it at that. People need to know WHY it's harmful and you seem to have done your homework on the subject....and you seem to have done it because of a genuine concern for families, girlfriends, wives AND porn actresses (if you can call them "actresses").

If you do decide to do it, would you mind letting us know? I would love get a copy of it.

[YummyMummyNat]

If my husband wants a hoohah to look at then he has mine, he is with ME he doesn't need porn ewww I hate that word

[Lovie]

This thread is for mature adults....

Personally, I think you're overly sensitive. "I'm so hurt he was jacking off the to the women on the screen. It's so sinful. Oh woe is me."

Not everyone on this website is a Jsus freak and some other people have different morals. Calling someone sinful is a horrible thing to do. God did not put you on the earth to judge or place people in a catergory. Everyone on the internet is sinful. Every single person in the world is sinful and you have no right to tell people what and what not to do because someone who doesn't follow your way of life ****es you off. Calling someone sinful...That's rude.

Back to porn: Chill out. It seems you're more offended with the fact that it ruins you idea of a Christian lifestyle than your marriage. Your husband was not doing anything with the woman on the screen. He was just looking at her and having a good time. Do you honestly think you can go through a marriage without looking at the opposite sex lustfully? Sure, I don't know my head from my *** when it comes to marriage because I'm so against it and it would never get married.

...Then again, I'm not you. I have no idea what goes on through your head. -shrugs- Just how I feel about this.

No disrespect intended, but I think that you might be a little too young to be posting responses on this subject, young lady..... especially ones that are as disrespectful as the one that you wrote to Emily Dudley. You have never been married...... you don't even have your driver's license yet! You haven't been living long enough to mock that dear lady. Posting responses on this subject might make you feel grown up, but you've got A LOT of living and learning to do before you can respond intelligently on this issue. Your time will be better spent concentrating on your school work - not talking about the issue of pornography with ADULTS, because this is a serious issue - not some kind of kids game.

What is your GPA? If it's not 4.0 you don't have time to be posting all of these messages on this website anyway......and if you are under the age of 18 your access should probably be terminated.

[Guest]

thanks - that was a very nice post.

i agree with you - i think the bulk of the problem is a lack of awareness. we've all been lulled into thinking it's normal & that it can't be fought against. people think it's just boys being boys & they roll their eyes & go on their way.

meanwhile it cuts a swath through society like a bulldozer, leveling families & wrecking lives.

it's even more pervasive now that generations are being brought up with internet porn. it's so much a part of people's lives now that kids think it's like breathing. there's not even the normal sense of shame that used to accompany it.

kids are no more ashamed of looking at porn than they are playing video games. pornographers are using this turning of perspective to sink their fangs even deeper into society.

and - as evidenced on this board - girls are being conditioned to expect less of their husbands, who are expecting less of themselves. marriages are slipping into a comfortable level of mediocrity.