[unsuregirl]

My problem is confusing the out of me. I have been married for two months to a guy
that I have dated for 5 years before marriage. We tend to get into arguments and he is
usually not very responsive during arguments which makes me feel helpless. Last night, we
had such an argument over sexual matters where I felt that I can not sleep unless he
resolves and does what I needed him to do and hence I kept asking him to make an effort but
he kept telling me he is too tired to do anything now and we should wait till morning.
So I was shaking him to keep him from sleeping and ended up frustrated enough to force him
to have intimacy , the force did not work and he got angry and became more rigid and
ignored me endlessly and finally he said he will hit me if i did not let him sleep now.
He twisted my arm and that made me angry and I kicked him a few times when he said that he
will go out of the house and I told him he should and that his anger is not going to
resolve anything, this time his anger will end everything and he is too selfish to
consider my feelings. This was when he slapped me and called me some names. I was too
shocked and I slept outside and I have been thinking of leaving him ever since,
He still does not think he did anything wrong, just keeps saying that I made him slap him
by not letting him sleep when he needed to and that he does not enjoy it but has to do it
to stop me , I think thats since there can be no excuse for slapping somebody.
Should I leave the marriage right away?

[Guest]

Yes and inform the police also, they all say we made them hit and abuse use, this is prolly the start of things, get out while the getting is good..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Last night, we had such an argument over sexual matters where I felt that I can not sleep unless he
resolves and does what I needed him to do and hence I kept asking him to make an effort but
he kept telling me he is too tired to do anything now and we should wait till morning.

Okay, your sexually frustrated, you can't force someone to have sex, push them to the limits, make them do it, tell them you won't sleep unless he does it, your needs, he purely asked stated, tomorrow when I've slept, in the morning and you denied that, "no I want it now" ...commanded almost...Made him definately. I suspect he says no alot and that's why your frustrated and demanding "sex" not intimacy.

You need to see the way in which you handled all of this.... It was wrong.

Sorry but that's my opinion.... How can you blame his frustration on your frustration? Work it out both of you, you love each other or you don't.

So I was shaking him to keep him from sleeping and ended up frustrated enough to force him
to have intimacy , the force did not work and he got angry

Imagine someone doing that to you...Harrasing you, refusing you sleep, wanting sex that's it, pushing to the limits...? Would you get mad?

Force someone to have "initmacy?" Or SEX? Initmacy is two people loving each other, bonding and entwining with intimacy..... He had to have entered, did his thing and that's it cause you forced him in "your words" so that is not intimacy...

I think thats since there can be no excuse for slapping somebody.
Should I leave the marriage right away?

You are right, there is no excuse for a man to hit a woman but, you push someone to the limits?

He twisted my arm and that made me angry and I kicked him a few times when he said that he
will go out of the house and I told him he should and that his anger is not going to
resolve anything, this time his anger will end everything and he is too selfish to
consider my feelings.

Your both as bad as each other, you both need councelling over anger, again sorry but he's reacting to your anger, temper and then your reacting to his reactions...

Toxic....

Nothing can be resolved unless you both work out how to "talk" about your needs, not slapping, demanding, yelling, calling names, refusing to sleep, hitting, etc.

CW

[unsuregirl]

Thanks for both the replies. Even though CHANDLERS WISH's reply is what I would have loved to believe in, its still Sidneyalive who seems to be saying the right thing.
Chandlers Wish ..u seem to have read the post carefully and looked into it thoroughly before commenting...hence I would appreciate it if you told me whether taking a break and going away for sometime would be a good idea for me at this stage? Whatever happened last night, he said I tried to rape him in a way and that he is not a sex slave or a sex toy.
He does not say no too often to sex but to be honest, he is not much good at it and thats the reason why I am not satisfied most of the times and I end up getting angry when I crave pleasure and not get it.
I would like to add here that even though the slap has been a first, he has been twisting my arm at many point of time during some argument when I shake him to get his attention... He says I am being physically abusive by shaking him or shoving him to grab his attention. is that true?

P.S. :- until today, I loved him completely for he has been taking care of almost all of the things since the wedding... I rarely have had to ask too much for anything I wanted since he usually gives me what I ask for. But I am extremely uncomfortable with the slap because i know 1st slap is rarely the last one.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

unsuregirl....

What you are saying is your not sexually compatible...dear me, view the many, many threads of the same

Yes I can see his comments made pertaining to rape, however, he needs to see it's more of frustration....But honestly? Men are human as well, we as women feel raped when a man constantly says how about it babe, we say no not tonight I have a headache, their frustrated and do it anyway and we feel violated, used, no understanding what so ever, hurt.... can you see where he can feel the same? Man / woman, same old. They have feelings to believe it... they don't want to feel themselves like a sex object, you have a penis you are meant to want me get hard and give it to me....

The thing is you say he's not good at it...Have you ever, been the one in control? Got on top of him? Gave him bj's , touching him everywhere, half hand half bj's, and telling him, you love him, it's your love that makes you want "it"? Sex is sex, no one wants to feel that, that is what they are after all they are after.

Define intimacy? I gave you my version

If you are using anger, shaking , shoving, your using anger...Your trying to control, get what you want by that control.... Yes, it's physical and yes it's abusive, words speak louder than actions.

Do you? love him completely? No sweet, because you don't like him sexually he's not to your standards, what you are after and you state, he doesn't say no, so if he doesn't say no, too often, and he gives, but it's not good enough and perhaps he knows that, and you show that, so he says "no" I'm tired, tired really of not being good enough, as you "force" the issue, on times you want it. WHERE is the communication? Adventure? Finding each other sexually? Really understanding the word of intimacy?

He sounds as if he gives and gives but it's not good enough read your last paragraph.

Yes, the slap means he's at his ends wits.....He can't take anymore...

So it's time to talk properly, understand, compromise, work it.

CW

[Guest]

There is never ever any excuse for a man to hit a woman, if he did it once and get's away with it he will do it again and again, cut and run,,,,

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No, I think i stated that but sometimes it takes two and seeing as she pushes, shoves, she is also being abusive..

Therefore they both need to evalute this..because both are being abusive..

CW

[Guest]

Pffft she didn't hurt him, once they begin hitting it never ends..

The time for talk is over..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sidney, don't force your opinon...You've given your view, this is not an arguement the OP has asked for thoughts, you've provided yours, I've provided mine, let's let other's provide theirs after all that is what she is asking, people's thoughts....

CW

[Guest]

From a man's perspective.....

Leave now! Leave today. Notify the police, file a report if you can.

After reading and rereading your thread there seems to be a lot if issues between the two of you.

Regardless, a man should never strike a woman...ever....period.

I'm sure, that in many cases, this is how battered wife syndrom begins. I assume that there are also a few cases where things have been "repaired" and the relationship continues... Is either worth the risk?

Seems pretty cut and dried to me.