[karenshiver]

Karen..

He's a classic abuser, get away from him or end up like i was...

Can we talk more? So, this is classic? Oftentimes, I feel as though I have met the meanest and the most evil man on this planet. I want to talk more to you, but, I do not want to take attention away from unsuregirl... this is her thread and she needs all of us too.

[unsuregirl]

Brian lied to his counselor... she asked him if he had ever crossed over the line and if he had beat me with a belt on Thanksgiving Day, and, he replied, "No." His counselor BELIEVED him (even though I had proof the abuse had occurred... a signed confession from Brian and pictures)... both Brian and his counselor called me a liar and his counselor told him to leave me and refused to see me or talk to me. She also told him that she had an anger management problem and was on medication... WTF? So, yes, some counselors are as worthless as the abusers who go to them for help. I feel for you... I am going through a nightmare too... Brian told me that if I want to eat this week, I have to beg him for forgiveness and allow him to cheat on me with his co worker, Maria, and I also have to have dinner with him... I am only allowed to order things from the menu that he approves of (which does not include alcoholic beverages, desserts, lobster, or steaks that cost over $16.00... even though HE IS ALLOWED to order expensive steaks, desserts, and alcoholic beverages)... I guess I am going to die of starvation because I am not going to have dinner with him (while he talks about hoe wonderful Maria is) and I am not going to give him permission to cheat on me. I am really scared.

Is it not possible to ask your family to support you financially for a while until you find a way to pay for your own food? Maybe they can lend you some money... why is the money factor giving him control over you? Let me know if I do not understand your situation

[Guest]

The patient answere around here is "go see a counselor"

These women have never been in your position, so they have no idea..

Please stand on your own two feet, and take care of yourself...

[unsuregirl]

I believe very strongly that there IS NEVER a reason for a man to strike woman...never...ever....period.

My concern is for your safety, plain and simple.

I wish you the best.

Could not argue with that...
Am gonna keep you updated :-) please keep advising me whenever you see a cause for concern... I need people beyond family and friends for this...

[karenshiver]

Is it not possible to ask your family to support you financially for a while until you find a way to pay for your own food? Maybe they can lend you some money... why is the money factor giving him control over you? Let me know if I do not understand your situation

Going back to my thread.

[unsuregirl]

I hope it is okay to post on your thread... I feel guilty.

I have asked EVERYONE for help... and, they all said, "No." My father is aware of the abuse, but, he told me to go back to Brian. I called my father and stepmother last night... my stepmother did not care about me (she was making jokes with her adult daughter while I was crying over the phone about my situation) and my father told me (and this is the God's honest truth) to let Brian date Maria and to have dinner with Brian (anything to get Brian to buy me food). I am financially dependent on Brian (and isolated) with no friends or family... Brian once told me he was all I had in the world (he's right). I made the choice to move to Colorado with Brian (so, it is my fault) and I was a housewife and stay-at-home mother (again, my fault)... Brian has the money, the car... everything... even the lease is in his name. I am a freelance writer (but make very little money) and I do not have money for taxi cabs. And, every time Brian does not get his way (no matter how disrespectful or hurtful "his way" might be to me, he dumps me and takes my food and rent money away. I have asked the domestic violence center and the church for help too... there is no help available for me.

This means soon you might not have a roof on your head? Do you atleast have a bank account even if no money in it..

[karenshiver]

You felt rejected by your husband, which is why you did what you did... I get that totally. It hurts so much to have the person we love most in this world reject us.

[karenshiver]

I see a lot of "you" in "me."

[rcoreyus]

Sidneyalive, I am very sorry for what you were put though. Please realize though that men can be victims too. All the same psychological issues that that keep women from leaving or fighting back against an abusive spouse occur for men as well. They also will refuse to believe they are abused, will think it is thier own fault, will be unable to use force against their attacker.

Because of the attitude that a "real man" would fight back, men are also very reluctant to admit that they are being abused.

I am in no way trying to minimize what happend to you, just letting you know that very similar things can happen to men as well.

Once again i don't care what any of these other women said, you did not rape him, you can't, Awwww, you bothered him while he wanted to sleep, the poor baby, he could have gone to another room to sleep if he was a real man...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i would just like to say this, i was put through close to 2 years of h*ll , beatings, rape, i was forced into depraved acts i would have never done on my own..

Always with the promise it would never happen again, he would stop for a few days, but went back to the same old thing..

You're told to go to counseling, who is a counselor ?? Someone with as many personal problems as the rest of us, and im gonna take advice from him/her ?? No thank you...

Comes a time to run, and i took it, i have my dignity back and am healing on my own..

Do as you want, my advice is to get out of the situation while the getting is good, we all can start over again..

You know Sid...there are many issues to deal with...The first is recognition...Understanding...getting it, realising it...The second is change, wanting to change it, and changing it...The third is healing...

Each person's situation is different... Whilst it is common that one slap can lead to more physical abuse on a higher level, it is usually un-called for, un-provocted, a control, like in your case sweetheart.

We don't tell everyone to leave their loveless marriage for instance, if there is a chance. Each case is individual.

Councelling? Yes, we all have problems or we would be perfect But, what is councelling? A lending ear? A way to work it through? An understanding? Getting it, the first step?

What is a Forum? Can you do that too? Be heard? Find ways to work things through? A better understanding? Getting it, the first step?

And, can that not take you to the second step? If need be leaving?

Where ever you go to get to that first step is worth it. For everyone, they need someone who will listen...That is my take on councellors ... That's not bad really is it....

Guess that was going to be my calling if not a Real Estate Proprietor ....If you can help one person in life, that's worth a million dollars ......

I know your in pain, it's evident, you've crossed the first step Sid and the second but never believe that you can do it all alone, you can't ....Healing takes time but it also take people to be there for you when you need them...If that's a councellor, or someone on a Forum, or many people, or family.....you need it.

I am sure that there is a strong reason for you to be a saying this and I am well aware that the same might happen to me as well... I am fully aware and alert right now and then life is too long and most of the times I worry that if we could not survive 2 months of being together, how on earth can I even imagine a lifetime...and honestly, I can't.
My only and only hope is in believing that this kind of abuse towards each other is a habit that we both have cultivated and like all habits, it can be changed if the will is there... I am going to change it for myself and I am not sure of anything else mroe than this... I am someone who has tried to put her husband down by commenting over his intelligence, the money he makes, his sexual incompetence, threatening to walk out... he has said and done worse things but thats a different story... I just don't like myself either right now... The problem is that I have not been observant enough in the past as to where the instigation for abuse (verbal or physical) has come from (him or me)... and now I am determined on finding that out...
I feel so pained to hear that you had to put up with it for 2 years... I can imagine the amount of pain that you have endured...and I am sure that you badly want no woman to ever put up with it and I give you my word that I will not put up with any of this anymore... this is the first time that I have brought things to both of ours' notice and this will be the last time... Saying this to you and making this promise will help me a lot in moving away if there is a next time for me...

You know recognition as I said is step one....Change is step two...Whether your journey in life ends up together or separate, what you do to improve yourself, to be happy in yourself, your innerself, and love and know her, and accept everyone for who they are, not put them down, rather choose those to be in your life that fit and not, for those who don't is the best journey....

Your working on yourself in retrospect and ascertaining where it all stemmed from, wanting and finding ways for yourself to be a better person, your journey....

W'eve all stated, if he ever, ever, lifts a hand at all, get out... But if you feel it could be a contribution of your ways and you love him and want to see, then be guarded but work at it, on it, together.

If this is the first time you both have properly communicated then it will be the last time if something else occurs, because it's toxic as I stated and I for one am glad that your working on you, for you, and your prepared to see both sides ....

CW