[unsuregirl]

What would be wrong with going to counseling from afar (while living at mom's) ?

Staying in the house continues to give him control and also shows him (IMO) that what he did wasn't that big of a deal..."she's still here".

I think you need to take a stronger stand, show him that you are very serious about this matter and if he doesn't come around, then you are already out and won't have to deal with whatever might occur as a direct result of failed counseling.

I don't think you are protecting yourself enough from a potential reoccurance of the same or similar behavior.

What if things "don't go well" at counseling? What if things are brought up "that he doesn't like"? What happens if he gets angry on the way home? What happens if he gets angry once you get home?

I'm all about reducing exposure to "risk" and I don't think you have done enough to reduce your exposure to the "risk" of being abused again.

Just my opinion....

Seeker_advice
Firstly, I want to thank you to take the time out to think over my situation and give your suggestion... I will not say that I am not at all open to it and there is perfectly no issue with me going to stay with my family but in that case we both will not be able to attend counselling sessions together the way we can right now (we have already found a counsellor ... I mean I found a counsellor and he is perfectly fine with having to go there and prepared for homeworks and everything)...
I have considered leaving the house already so many times as an option ... infact, I had my tickets booked for last weekend and my important stuff packed up but I was really sick around that time and was in no position to manage by myself to leave and catch my flight. So, I stayed that time out of an unavoidable reason.
And, if I there was any way that I thought (even a little bit) that he might get so angry during counselling that he might hurt me again, I never would have considered staying here. In any case, being violent has never been his first choice and going into his shell has been. And, I am not good at handling that and atleast, till now, I have always always pushed him till he became angry in an insane way.... now the degree of his rage is his problem and that is what he will need to work on , whether with me or without me... and pushing people when they need their space is my problem that I need to work on... I have a strong feeling from all the last 5 years that I have known him for, till I respect his need for space when he is upset or angry, I have nothing to worry about ... and thats all that I am trying to do ... If that works fine, its great ... if it doesn't , I know what I have to do...
And, one thing that you are totally right about is that by not leaving the house I might not have made it clear that how huge this thing is... but if you look it this way... even if I leave the house this time, I know that everybody, including my family and my mind is going to make me give him atleast one more chance together when he asks me to be back ... he will ask me to be back and he will make promises like "this will never happen again and I promise to go to counselling" etc. etc... and in the end what do I want from him? I want him to address his problems with me and a counsellor...He has atleast accepted that he knows very well that we are just an inch away from separating... I am getting the co-operation from him without the drama of leaving the house for now and in the worst case scenario... even if I get physically abused once again , I will just know that its all worthless. Also, I am currently looking for a job and moving back and forth will come in my way of locating a good job opportunity...
So, staying here for atleast now looks like okay... maybe I am making a mistake or maybe this will turn out to be the best decision of my life after I have forgotten the ugly incidents between us... I can never know this until I give it this one chance that it calls for...

[rcoreyus]

Please don't ever let someone "always force themselves on you". The first time should absolutely be the last. Whether you go to the police is up to you, but please don't stay in that sort of relationship. There are so many wonderful kind men out there, no one should ever need to put up with abuse. I think that too often women (through bad luck?) wind up dating a couple of abusive men, and think all men are like that. The aren't!

No one should have to endure unwanted sexual touch... no means no! I was raped when I was 24... so, I know how this feels and Brian always forces himself on me... he holds me down and rips off my clothes and touches my breasts and puts his hand down my pants... and, I scream, "No!" But, because he is my fiance, and pays my bills, he thinks he has the "right" to demand sex from me... sexual assault is what it is called. Brian also wakes me up in the middle of the night and keeps me from sleeping because he wants to have sex with me. I am sorry your husband slapped you... that was so wrong... but, please, never force anyone to have sex with you... not even your husband.

[unsuregirl]

But, in any case, if my opinion and decision seems wrong, I will appreciate it if people conveyed that to me... I could use different perspectives... just don't want to get too confused

[Guest]

i would just like to say this, i was put through close to 2 years of h*ll , beatings, rape, i was forced into depraved acts i would have never done on my own..

Always with the promise it would never happen again, he would stop for a few days, but went back to the same old thing..

You're told to go to counseling, who is a counselor ?? Someone with as many personal problems as the rest of us, and im gonna take advice from him/her ?? No thank you...

Comes a time to run, and i took it, i have my dignity back and am healing on my own..

Do as you want, my advice is to get out of the situation while the getting is good, we all can start over again..

[unsuregirl]

i would just like to say this, i was put through close to 2 years of h*ll , beatings, rape, i was forced into depraved acts i would have never done on my own..

Always with the promise it would never happen again, he would stop for a few days, but went back to the same old thing..

You're told to go to counseling, who is a counselor ?? Someone with as many personal problems as the rest of us, and im gonna take advice from him/her ?? No thank you...

Comes a time to run, and i took it, i have my dignity back and am healing on my own..

Do as you want, my advice is to get out of the situation while the getting is good, we all can start over again..

I am sure that there is a strong reason for you to be a saying this and I am well aware that the same might happen to me as well... I am fully aware and alert right now and then life is too long and most of the times I worry that if we could not survive 2 months of being together, how on earth can I even imagine a lifetime...and honestly, I can't.
My only and only hope is in believing that this kind of abuse towards each other is a habit that we both have cultivated and like all habits, it can be changed if the will is there... I am going to change it for myself and I am not sure of anything else mroe than this... I am someone who has tried to put her husband down by commenting over his intelligence, the money he makes, his sexual incompetence, threatening to walk out... he has said and done worse things but thats a different story... I just don't like myself either right now... The problem is that I have not been observant enough in the past as to where the instigation for abuse (verbal or physical) has come from (him or me)... and now I am determined on finding that out...
I feel so pained to hear that you had to put up with it for 2 years... I can imagine the amount of pain that you have endured...and I am sure that you badly want no woman to ever put up with it and I give you my word that I will not put up with any of this anymore... this is the first time that I have brought things to both of ours' notice and this will be the last time... Saying this to you and making this promise will help me a lot in moving away if there is a next time for me...

[karenshiver]

i would just like to say this, i was put through close to 2 years of h*ll , beatings, rape, i was forced into depraved acts i would have never done on my own..

Always with the promise it would never happen again, he would stop for a few days, but went back to the same old thing..

You're told to go to counseling, who is a counselor ?? Someone with as many personal problems as the rest of us, and im gonna take advice from him/her ?? No thank you...

Comes a time to run, and i took it, i have my dignity back and am healing on my own..

Do as you want, my advice is to get out of the situation while the getting is good, we all can start over again..

Brian lied to his counselor... she asked him if he had ever crossed over the line and if he had beat me with a belt on Thanksgiving Day, and, he replied, "No." His counselor BELIEVED him (even though I had proof the abuse had occurred... a signed confession from Brian and pictures)... both Brian and his counselor called me a liar and his counselor told him to leave me and refused to see me or talk to me. She also told him that she had an anger management problem and was on medication... WTF? So, yes, some counselors are as worthless as the abusers who go to them for help. I feel for you... I am going through a nightmare too... Brian told me that if I want to eat this week, I have to beg him for forgiveness and allow him to cheat on me with his co worker, Maria, and I also have to have dinner with him... I am only allowed to order things from the menu that he approves of (which does not include alcoholic beverages, desserts, lobster, or steaks that cost over $16.00... even though HE IS ALLOWED to order expensive steaks, desserts, and alcoholic beverages)... I guess I am going to die of starvation because I am not going to have dinner with him (while he talks about hoe wonderful Maria is) and I am not going to give him permission to cheat on me. I am really scared.

[Guest]

i mean this to both of you women, once a man starts to hit and rape and gets away with it, he won't stop..

unsuergirl..

Once again i don't care what any of these other women said, you did not rape him, you can't, Awwww, you bothered him while he wanted to sleep, the poor baby, he could have gone to another room to sleep if he was a real man...

[Guest]

Karen..

He's a classic abuser, get away from him or end up like i was...

Again this " Go see a counselor" is bunk...

[karenshiver]

Well, I am going back to my own thread... I did not mean to "sabotage" your thread, unsuregirl... may God be with us all.

[Guest]

Unsuregirl,

Only YOU know what's best for YOU and frankly, that's all that matters to me.

As a complete and total stranger, I don't know all of the details of that night, I don't know your history, his history, the history of the relationship, etc.

I can and will only offer my opinion based on what is presented here, in this forum, as I interpret it.

I have never physically aboused anyone in a relationship of equals nor have I been physically abused by anyone in a relationship of equals so my opinions and thoughts are not from first hand experience.

I believe very strongly that there IS NEVER a reason for a man to strike woman...never...ever....period.

My concern is for your safety, plain and simple.

I wish you the best.