[unsuregirl]

Is his Mother alive?

Yes but he is nto really close to her. He does not even have her number. They just talk over the internet sometimes and she is the least interfering person on the planet. But she used to very hot tempered and when my husband was a kid, his mom used to hit him with stuff like cloth hangers and once she broke the TV in anger and even shredded his dad's clothes in anger. But I met her recently and she seems like a nice lady to me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And he is a good son-in-law...I just meant that since he is not very communicative, he is not the kind to call up my mom and talk to her... but his parents expect that from me. And, like once we had an argument and I slept in another room to avoid a fight and he got so annoyed that he called up my mother and friends many times to harrass them and kept cutting the calls without talking to anyone. the next day I had to answer those people with excuses.

Well I guess his mother is alive

See his Parents need to stay out of it you are not children...There has to be a reason why he sees, not to talk to your Mother about problems in your marriage and they expect you too.. Why? You are adults, are they controlling? I think so..They expect, he rebels, you expect he rebels.

He wanted to talk to them? Maybe because his parents "expect" from him, maybe chickened out, didn't want to be what they expected of him....Or again in anger wanting to speak and be heard...

Couldn't do it.

I think maybe his parents have alot to do with this.

Please, do me a favour..Your married, talking behind his back? He will get mad...especially if he grew up being controlled...See marriage is about working it together, or seeking outside help but always being loyal to each other.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes but he is nto really close to her. He does not even have her number. They just talk over the internet sometimes and she is the least interfering person on the planet. But she used to very hot tempered and when my husband was a kid, his mom used to hit him with stuff like cloth hangers and once she broke the TV in anger and even shredded his dad's clothes in anger. But I met her recently and she seems like a nice lady to me.

There is your answer...............

She had anger issues, there is more to that information he's not telling you, she was probably controlling, but more than anything you need to see this, she put the fear in him, he couldn't defend himself, she used anger, lashed out, he was young and couldn't defend himself, NOW he can, and that is why he refrains from doing what she did pain, because it hurt him...But now he sees that and sees her, retaliates... for the times he couldn't defend himself.... Now he can but he holds back because you are not his Mother..You are his wife and you try and give and he gives he wants to be a better person.

Can you see that?

He does need councelling he's hurt.

He does have an anger issue over how he was treated, he's hurt.

You need to be the opposite from her....he can't apologise to you because, she abused him physically and so he is protecting himself he can't go through any thing simular....You NEED to control yourself and NOT be like her.

What you are doing is mild, attention seeking but he sees his Mother.....

Can you see that? Your bringing back memories bad ones....he then loses it....

Can you imagine his fear as a child? Can you visualise any abuse at all, emotional even will trigger his past?

Stand by him and control yourself in understanding, he says no? get a vibrator and say no prob sweet, sleep I'll wake you in the morning with my touch..

See, people with pasts need assurance they are not entering that ever, ever, ever, again....

CW

[unsuregirl]

There is your answer...............

She had anger issues, there is more to that information he's not telling you, she was probably controlling, but more than anything you need to see this, she put the fear in him, he couldn't defend himself, she used anger, lashed out, he was young and couldn't defend himself, NOW he can, and that is why he refrains from doing what she did pain, because it hurt him...But now he sees that and sees her, retaliates... for the times he couldn't defend himself.... Now he can but he holds back because you are not his Mother..You are his wife and you try and give and he gives he wants to be a better person.

Can you see that?

He does need councelling he's hurt.

He does have an anger issue over how he was treated, he's hurt.

You need to be the opposite from her....he can't apologise to you because, she abused him physically and so he is protecting himself he can't go through any thing simular....You NEED to control yourself and NOT be like her.

What you are doing is mild, attention seeking but he sees his Mother.....

Can you see that? Your bringing back memories bad ones....he then loses it....

Can you imagine his fear as a child? Can you visualise any abuse at all, emotional even will trigger his past?

Stand by him and control yourself in understanding, he says no? get a vibrator and say no prob sweet, sleep I'll wake you in the morning with my touch..

See, people with pasts need assurance they are not entering that ever, ever, ever, again....

CW

You know, even I would have thought that about him but he really does not seem like that kind of a person who is intimated by his past. I have heard him talk about his mom and I never felt any grudge. He just thinks that she is a little different from most of the people. And when I say that she is a nice lady, she has to be realllly nice because I am very picky when it comes to people. She is warm, caring, bold, independent, lives with her daughter in a different country and works there and she spends a lot on her kids...she takes care of everyones likes and dislikes...to the contrary, once I was at his parents' before the wedding and his mom was in the country and I heard his dad almost yell at his wife for a suggestion that she made regarding the weddign arrangements and he did not like her suggestion...he said in a rather loud voice 'are you a fool?'...i don't know the whole conversation but i found that strange. I rather think that he has inherited his anger issues from his mother or probably he feels that since his mother got away with them, even he will in his marriage.... right???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is quite complex..

The more you write the more I see things differently...

Maybe she was abused, and his Father is a controller and opinionated as per my origional thought and maybe she reacted in anger with coat hangers and smashing TV's escaped and is now handling things..

Maybe that is why he sees her as okay and wants to protect your Mother...

AGAIN I suggest you don't talk to him about your problems, his Father.

There are issues there un-resolved, and you provoke them, that you HAVE TO SEE....Your bringing up a past he's not ready to talk about..other than react on his pain

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I rather think that he has inherited his anger issues from his mother or probably he feels that since his mother got away with them, even he will in his marriage.... right???

See above...If she's a gentle soul now having left her husband, it's the husband and she reacted...in the only way she knew, anger, hurt, pain throwing...

So why do you do that? What happened in your past? Cause your being her........

[unsuregirl]

See above...If she's a gentle soul now having left her husband, it's the husband and she reacted...in the only way she knew, anger, hurt, pain throwing...

So why do you do that? What happened in your past? Cause your being her........

He tells me that she had hyperthyroidism which was the cause of her constantly irritable behaviour at times... And my childhood and past was a pleasant one and I have not seen violence in my past. My parents have never fought in front of me and never did I sense any tension in my house. All this has been a part of his family. I think that I react to his defensiveness as he seems to become too rigid about his desires at times.
Like, he is quite nagging in many ways... he would come home and question why this is lying here or there or why is this bedsheet on the bed... or if I forget something important or lose some papers, he never misses to point out my mistake and has to discuss it even if I say I know its my mistake or if I say sorry. But I don't think much of such things...for e.g., one day he lost a watch that my mom had gifted him and when he told me, I said 'OK' and kept enjoying the weather. He was surprised and asked me if I am angry or have anything else to say but I was like....nah...whats there to say...u lost it..did not do it on purpose anyway...u should hv been careful though but its ok. And if I ever do point out something like he is leaving the kitchen dirty after cooking something or so, his first reaction is defending himself. May it be any small thing... the smallest of things that I ever point out, he has to defend himself. A simple apology is the last thing he says when I have already become unhappy with his defences. so these are some basic differences between us. And I find it very upsetting that people defend themselves over petty matters when they can clearly end things with a sorry which harms nobody.

[unsuregirl]

And I am an impatient person by nature. i think its because my mom was always a bit impatient with me. Though she and my dad rarely fought infront of me..almost never.. but she used to always keep yelling at me for small small things. She changed after my dad died. But as a kid, I was a bit scared of her anger and at one point, I used to even hit her with my little kid hands if she hit me. But my mother and I share a very strong and supportive bond as of today and we were always close. Our relationship is not scarred in any way at all.

[stressed]

With what you've written, I'm under the impression that he's more fed up with you than you are with him.

Have you asked him if he's happy with you?

[unsuregirl]

from what did I write that you conclude that? Probably I did nto tell you that ever since we got married, I have not got any sexual pleasure from my marriage and yet I do give him hand jobs and try to please him. I am not fed up with the guy but with his traits...with him not making an effort to keep the marraige sexually active and to waste time in useless defensive talks...
And even if your impression of the whole thing is correct, he has not been honest enough with me to say that. Whenever I have asked him this question when he is not mad at anything, i have received an answer just the opposite. So probably either he just lies or he is too fickle minded