unsuregirl,
You want an apology..He thinks he was right in what he did....your heck bent on, that is your desire, he was wrong, and needs to apolgise.
You BOTH need to apologise..He will not apologise to you until you apologise for pushing him to the limit, threatening to do so and further pushing him until he did it, you were shocked...Shocked because you lost the control, he did it...he feels that control, maybe now she will not do this again, I will not apologise, maybe now she will get it and stop doing it, yet your solution is if he won't seek councelling your out of there....
Your both wrong...
It's hard to be patient when you are an in-patient person... I can feel your the stronger one, I grew up in a functional family, yet you didn't...I don't like you leaving dirty dishes, clean them up, and then he's the rebel, he wants equality, so he says, I don't like the sheet you put on...this is a viscious cycle.
...
I blamed family because 9 out of 10 times, your childhood reflects how you act as an Adult, yet that's by choice...You can choose to be like your parents or you can choose to take those lessons and ensure you are never like them.
See, you hit your Mother when you were a child. Your mother would yell and scream at you be verbally abusive.
I believe that you have taken on those traits....But in denial over that, after all we don't want to be like our parents... You choose to claim that no, BD is wrong, you mean you discuss in a loud voice....
For instance, I have no patience sometimes myself, because my Mother had none when I grew up...I too could not communicate with her she would shut off...But we now have a bond and relationship just like you do...But, she knows I didn't appreciate it, didn't enjoy my childhood but that I FORGIVE her, because that is who she is but I choose not to be like her because that is not who I am....It took me until 25 years of age to discuss that with her and other matters and FORGIVE...
Maybe that's your first step.
He also came from a family that had issues... You claim more so...But you know? Any issue can affect a child and they can bring their past into their present and their future....You think his problems as a child were worse than yours? I bet they were equally the same. Why?
You have no patience so any little thing he does disturbs you. I suggest you tell him these things over and over, each one he does that "bugs" you including his inability to be what you want in bed...Because a man doesn't go from sex alot to nothing and then when asked for it and says tomorrow, I'm tired, and an arguement emerges, then states " I'm not your sex toy"...
Just as a woman feels used,abused and only there for sex, so can a man feel the same. He has emotions too..I said this before somewhere amongst all of this back and forth...He WANTS to be loved too...not just there for sex and financial support.
This man....supports you financially, he supports your Mother financially as he can, when he can... This man, lost a watch and it was given by your Mother, he felt bad, but you didn't react...He wondered "she doesn't care, is that because it's not important because I'm not important?"... This man gives you freedom, independence, but not enough...He knows that.....Everything he does ends up with no patience, it was wrong, or stop defending, or geez I'm frustrated that didn't last long.... He knows that...He's at his wits end....
Like all marriages...You lose some freedom, independence...Like all marriages, it takes time to get a happy balance living together, all of a sudden your in each others faces, sharing the same house, bed day in day out, not what either is used to...He'll throw his jocks in the corner, leave his shoes in the lounge, expect you to make the bed, not what you are used to....
Im-patience if bad, can mean you can't live with someone...What ever it is you want, you want it now.
My fiance laughs at me, I have to wash that dish now, not drink my coffee, I'm impatient
But, because he laughs it's okay..He ensures he helps sometimes and makes the bed, picks his clothes up and there is a happy balance...Because, I don't feel overwhelmed and I know I'm loved and I know he shares...
You need to organise a harmony between you both.
You need to realise that marriage takes work and time to get things into a happy medium and WORK it, everything in life is work...
You need to realise you both have to apologise, you're both at fault and quit the if he doesn't I'm walking because you provocted him....
And, you need to realise you have issues, he has issues and if you both can't do councelling then you need to sit down and discuss as Adults your weaknesses and how it affects the other person calmly and how you can change those things.
Because the next man you meet you will have the same problem.... Unless he is much stronger than you...
And because this man is obviously trying very hard to do the right things, but you nit pick him, in your own admission, about alot of things your not happy with simple things...And he defends himself over simple things, so this stems from how he is being treated and how he then defends..
The slap....accept that you have been pushing him even on your honeymoon because it wasn't a fairytale as you expected so you got mad and so there became an arguement....
BD is correct, verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical... I've been there too.
And verbal and emotional abuse makes a person lose self esteme become nothing, think they are nothing and do not want you to touch them sexually as they feel un-loved and just bossed around....and that therefore, they too are just being used, not loved, so why have sex....
It's time to realise that....
CW
You want an apology..He thinks he was right in what he did....your heck bent on, that is your desire, he was wrong, and needs to apolgise.
You BOTH need to apologise..He will not apologise to you until you apologise for pushing him to the limit, threatening to do so and further pushing him until he did it, you were shocked...Shocked because you lost the control, he did it...he feels that control, maybe now she will not do this again, I will not apologise, maybe now she will get it and stop doing it, yet your solution is if he won't seek councelling your out of there....
Your both wrong...
It's hard to be patient when you are an in-patient person... I can feel your the stronger one, I grew up in a functional family, yet you didn't...I don't like you leaving dirty dishes, clean them up, and then he's the rebel, he wants equality, so he says, I don't like the sheet you put on...this is a viscious cycle.
...
I blamed family because 9 out of 10 times, your childhood reflects how you act as an Adult, yet that's by choice...You can choose to be like your parents or you can choose to take those lessons and ensure you are never like them.
See, you hit your Mother when you were a child. Your mother would yell and scream at you be verbally abusive.
I believe that you have taken on those traits....But in denial over that, after all we don't want to be like our parents... You choose to claim that no, BD is wrong, you mean you discuss in a loud voice....
For instance, I have no patience sometimes myself, because my Mother had none when I grew up...I too could not communicate with her she would shut off...But we now have a bond and relationship just like you do...But, she knows I didn't appreciate it, didn't enjoy my childhood but that I FORGIVE her, because that is who she is but I choose not to be like her because that is not who I am....It took me until 25 years of age to discuss that with her and other matters and FORGIVE...
Maybe that's your first step.
He also came from a family that had issues... You claim more so...But you know? Any issue can affect a child and they can bring their past into their present and their future....You think his problems as a child were worse than yours? I bet they were equally the same. Why?
You have no patience so any little thing he does disturbs you. I suggest you tell him these things over and over, each one he does that "bugs" you including his inability to be what you want in bed...Because a man doesn't go from sex alot to nothing and then when asked for it and says tomorrow, I'm tired, and an arguement emerges, then states " I'm not your sex toy"...
Just as a woman feels used,abused and only there for sex, so can a man feel the same. He has emotions too..I said this before somewhere amongst all of this back and forth...He WANTS to be loved too...not just there for sex and financial support.
This man....supports you financially, he supports your Mother financially as he can, when he can... This man, lost a watch and it was given by your Mother, he felt bad, but you didn't react...He wondered "she doesn't care, is that because it's not important because I'm not important?"... This man gives you freedom, independence, but not enough...He knows that.....Everything he does ends up with no patience, it was wrong, or stop defending, or geez I'm frustrated that didn't last long.... He knows that...He's at his wits end....
Like all marriages...You lose some freedom, independence...Like all marriages, it takes time to get a happy balance living together, all of a sudden your in each others faces, sharing the same house, bed day in day out, not what either is used to...He'll throw his jocks in the corner, leave his shoes in the lounge, expect you to make the bed, not what you are used to....
Im-patience if bad, can mean you can't live with someone...What ever it is you want, you want it now.
My fiance laughs at me, I have to wash that dish now, not drink my coffee, I'm impatient
But, because he laughs it's okay..He ensures he helps sometimes and makes the bed, picks his clothes up and there is a happy balance...Because, I don't feel overwhelmed and I know I'm loved and I know he shares...You need to organise a harmony between you both.
You need to realise that marriage takes work and time to get things into a happy medium and WORK it, everything in life is work...
You need to realise you both have to apologise, you're both at fault and quit the if he doesn't I'm walking because you provocted him....
And, you need to realise you have issues, he has issues and if you both can't do councelling then you need to sit down and discuss as Adults your weaknesses and how it affects the other person calmly and how you can change those things.
Because the next man you meet you will have the same problem.... Unless he is much stronger than you...
And because this man is obviously trying very hard to do the right things, but you nit pick him, in your own admission, about alot of things your not happy with simple things...And he defends himself over simple things, so this stems from how he is being treated and how he then defends..
The slap....accept that you have been pushing him even on your honeymoon because it wasn't a fairytale as you expected so you got mad and so there became an arguement....
BD is correct, verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical... I've been there too.
And verbal and emotional abuse makes a person lose self esteme become nothing, think they are nothing and do not want you to touch them sexually as they feel un-loved and just bossed around....and that therefore, they too are just being used, not loved, so why have sex....
It's time to realise that....
CW
Get The Newsletter
Comment