[chaya]

Chaya, please read this, then reread it a few times, and let it all sink in.

I've read this and all the other posts in this thread. They have me confused, I will read them again after I get some sleep. I've only slept 4 hours in 2 days. Thanks all for your concern, advice and posts.

[jns]

I've read this and all the other posts in this thread. They have me confused, I will read them again after I get some sleep. I've only slept 4 hours in 2 days. Thanks all for your concern, advice and posts.

I agree with WC.

But also consider this:

Your husband's partner has gone through training on controlling situations. He has learned how to responsibly handle a gun. He has learned about the law and enforcing it. Society has given him permission to speak for it. He has to know that he was doing something that was against the law. Your husband's anger should have been targeted at his partner, not you. Ask your husband innocently why he yelled at you instead of holding off to take it out on his partner. His partner is immature and should not being putting your husband in such a compromising situation. Will he do it on other situations? I think your husband really would be better off with another partner, even though he likes the one he has as a buddy. Sometimes that is not a good situation.

[Texinator]

Chaya, it's certainly not our intention to confuse you or hurt you. It's just that we notice certain things that may be less obvious to you, because people outside a situation are often able to see things more clearly than the people in it, and we bring them to your attention because we want to help you and make sure the things you do are in your best interest.

The central issue is that you seem to be under the impression that it is your obligation to do whatever your husband wants from you and to accept however he behaves toward you, regardless of how it effects you. We're trying to help you understand that a marriage is a partnership, and therefore, if you are to serve and respect him, then he must serve and respect you as well.

He had absolutely no right to yell at you like that. You are not responsible for your sister and you certainly are not responsible for his partner. On top of that, even if she were to act inappropriately toward his partner, it's the responsibility of his partner not to give in to her advances, especially since he is the adult and a police officer. You have nothing to do with it.

You may be a woman, but that doesn't mean you deserve this treatment. You may be a wife, but that doesn't mean you deserve this treatment. She may be your sister, but that doesn't mean you deserve this treatment. You may feel indebted to your husband and think he saved your life by showing up when he did and treating you well, but that doesn't mean you deserve this treatment. Nor that you should tolerate it.

In fact, it could be argued that by allowing your husband to yell at you, to treat his mother better than he treats you, to ignore requests from you for things like fixing up the hot tub but then doing it for other people, and to spend money you don't have, and all those other things that you've told us about him, you're actually hurting him instead of showing him respect.

You say that he is a kind, caring, and honorable man. We believe you. But does a man like that yell at his wife, choose his mother over her, and so forth? No. He may not even realize what he is doing, and I'm sure that if he understood just exactly what he was doing to you, he'd be angry and disgusted with himself. But by putting up with everything, you're only enabling this disgusting behavior of his.

That's why you need to stand up to him and make some demands. Remind him that this is a partnership and that he must treat you exactly the way he expects you to treat him. You are on an equal level. You deserve more than this, and if he is that kind, caring, and honorable man you describe him to be, then he also deserves to live up to that title.

Stand up for yourself, and by doing so, you'll not only help yourself, you'll also help your husband.

[Little]

You say that he is a kind, caring, and honorable man. We believe you. But does a man like that yell at his wife, choose his mother over her, and so forth? No. He may not even realize what he is doing, and I'm sure that if he understood just exactly what he was doing to you, he'd be angry and disgusted with himself. But by putting up with everything, you're only enabling this disgusting behavior of his.

So true, Tex.
I spoke simply and concretely, not to hurt you, but to make a point. Obviously, I can't know for sure if he really makes you happy ... but he seems to take many opportunities to do things that make you sad, angry, hurt, and confused. I didn't mean to add to that.
I hope you are able to process what everyone has said. I want your marriage to become healthy for both you and you husband! Do you know any other women who have similar values as you? As much as I want you to learn to talk to your husband and compromise with him, it may make you feel better to commiserate with others of a similar value system.
Good luck.

[chaya]

So true, Tex.
I spoke simply and concretely, not to hurt you, but to make a point. Obviously, I can't know for sure if he really makes you happy ... but he seems to take many opportunities to do things that make you sad, angry, hurt, and confused. I didn't mean to add to that.
I hope you are able to process what everyone has said. I want your marriage to become healthy for both you and you husband! Do you know any other women who have similar values as you? As much as I want you to learn to talk to your husband and compromise with him, it may make you feel better to commiserate with others of a similar value system.
Good luck.

You think he takes many opportunities to do bad things to me, that is because I only post the things that upset me and I need advice on how to deal with them. I do not understand men, him or even members of his race. If I posted all the things he does to make me happy, I would set the record as the most prolific poster of all time.

The only other women I know that have similar values toward married life is my mother and my 2 aunts whom I respect greatly. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to commiserate with them.

[Texinator]

If I posted all the things he does to make me happy, I would set the record as the most prolific poster of all time.

Maybe you don't have to set new records, but it would be interesting to hear about some of those things, so that we can get a more complete picture of him and hopefully offer you better advice.

[jns]

You think he takes many opportunities to do bad things to me, that is because I only post the things that upset me and I need advice on how to deal with them. I do not understand men, him or even members of his race. If I posted all the things he does to make me happy, I would set the record as the most prolific poster of all time.

The only other women I know that have similar values toward married life is my mother and my 2 aunts whom I respect greatly. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to commiserate with them.

chaya, having been married to an Asian lady for a long time and having done a lot of reading of history and culture as well as staying for periods of time in Southeast Asia, some of it in the countryside, I appreciate what culture clashes you are going through. The advice you are getting is good for a healthy relationship and is of a style that your husband can appreciate from his own background. It will be good for him to hear that he was overbearing in this case so that he can correct his behavior before he speaks the next time in a similar situation.

If you were in Japan, I would guess you would have a group of friends to talk about the situation with. I would suppose the same thing would happen if you were in Hawaii, but the advice you would get would be somewhat different since the cultures are different. Here, without a close group of friends, you have limited opportunities to sound your situation out. You really need to start making friends with women of your age with at least somewhat similar cultural backgrounds.

Do you ever go to a Japanese Buddhist temple? You should start going, if possible, to make friends as well as being spiritually more complete. I took my wife to the local Thai Wat on Sundays for years to make sure she had something to embrace as well as to make friends. Many of the friends we have now are from those friendships she created.

I don't think your husband understands. He thinks that because you grew up in Hawaii, that you are typically American of Japanese decent, but he doesn't realize the degree to which you absorbed traditional Japanese culture. That makes you very unique. But until he learns more about Japanese culture, he will not understand some of your actions and may indeed misunderstand them. Try to get him to start reading about Japanese history and culture and expect some trips to help him immerse in it. When you travel to Japan, the closer you are to ordinary people, the greater the understanding. Do not stay in hotels with a lot of stars (3, 4 or 5). If possible, stay some of the time with family outside of the cities.

[Maximus]

Jns: You have given such a good advice !
I command this post.

Thank you !

[chaya]

chaya, having been married to an Asian lady for a long time and having done a lot of reading of history and culture as well as staying for periods of time in Southeast Asia, some of it in the countryside, I appreciate what culture clashes you are going through. The advice you are getting is good for a healthy relationship and is of a style that your husband can appreciate from his own background. It will be good for him to hear that he was overbearing in this case so that he can correct his behavior before he speaks the next time in a similar situation.

If you were in Japan, I would guess you would have a group of friends to talk about the situation with. I would suppose the same thing would happen if you were in Hawaii, but the advice you would get would be somewhat different since the cultures are different. Here, without a close group of friends, you have limited opportunities to sound your situation out. You really need to start making friends with women of your age with at least somewhat similar cultural backgrounds.

Do you ever go to a Japanese Buddhist temple? You should start going, if possible, to make friends as well as being spiritually more complete. I took my wife to the local Thai Wat on Sundays for years to make sure she had something to embrace as well as to make friends. Many of the friends we have now are from those friendships she created.

I don't think your husband understands. He thinks that because you grew up in Hawaii, that you are typically American of Japanese decent, but he doesn't realize the degree to which you absorbed traditional Japanese culture. That makes you very unique. But until he learns more about Japanese culture, he will not understand some of your actions and may indeed misunderstand them. Try to get him to start reading about Japanese history and culture and expect some trips to help him immerse in it. When you travel to Japan, the closer you are to ordinary people, the greater the understanding. Do not stay in hotels with a lot of stars (3, 4 or 5). If possible, stay some of the time with family outside of the cities.

You must know that it is almost impossible to be in a loving relationship and walk the path to enlightenment at the same time. If I were married to another Buddhist that believed as I do, it would be possible to live and keep the precept of non attachment. Being married to a Christian, non attachment is impossible. This is one reason I do not go to temple. Every Buddhist has their own path. Mine don't take me to temple at this time.

I don't want my husband to understand me. If he did he would know what I have given up to be with him and I don't want him to know.

[Texinator]

I don't want my husband to understand me. If he did he would know what I have given up to be with him and I don't want him to know.

What would be wrong with him knowing?