[rcoreyus]

Magnetism - you were abused as a child. That certainly could have affected what sorts of sexual activities you enjoy and fell comfortable with.

On the other hand it is also true that the range of things that (non-abused) people enjoy is very wide. There are some women who do not enjoy being penetrated, or who enjoy penetrating other men (or women). There are people who enjoy giving or receiving bondage. There are people who do and do not enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.

So - while is is very possible that your abuse resulted in the set of things you enjoy, it is also quite possible that some of it is the way you would have been anyway. I have no idea how to tell which is which - or if it even matters.

[jns]

What my mom meant was "ejaculating inside you" helps your skin.

I don't know about the skin part, but I did find out my wife's attitude gets better if we have sex after a long time of not having it (her choice).

[Magnetism]

rcoryes-Are you married and do you mind if I ask who brought up marriage..you or your wife? Did you feel repulsed at first?

While I'm going off topic, my question is how do you separate yourself from your parents' opinions? I'm 29, but feel like a 17 year old. The things they say feel like something is stabbing me deeply. I also feel like I have to prove myself to them? Finding a man to get married to means that I have proven my mom's past accusations of me being weird, how nobody likes me, and how I must be doing something to scare men away? Falling in love with a woman means I don't have to deal with all of the nit-picking and criticism coming along with dating a man. My parents have a history of saying, "What did you do? What did you say to him? Don't tell him this, or he will think you're weird."

That saddens me, because I hope I can date someone where I'm not constantly worrying how I'm coming off.

[rcoreyus]

I have been married for > 25 years. We'd been dating for several years and I asked her to marry me. We hadn't specifically discussed it before, but I think had both assumed it would eventually happen. It wasn't very important to either of us, but it was to her parents and it does have some legal conveniences - and some significant tax costs (we both work). To me the long term commitment to each other was much more important than whether we were actually married. (btw - I completely sp***ed the proposal, didn't get her a nice ring or anything - still it seems to have worked out).

You need to live your life for yourself - not your parents. My wife's parents didn't approve of me: I was a poor student at the time, and they wanted her to marry a football star. My father didn't approve: he wanted me to marry some beautiful blond. In both cases what our parents were saying was what THEY wished they had done, not what was best for us. In the end they realized that they made the right decision - we are very happy together, and my wife is beautiful (if not blond) <g>.

You need to remember that the entire point of relationships is to make your life happier, not to prove anything to anyone. There is no "goal". Date men, date women, whichever makes you happy. Get into long term committed relationships, or date different people - again whatever makes you happy as long as no one is deceiving anyone else about their intentions. If you are in a long term relationship and marriage feels right - then do it, if not then don't.

It saddens me that so many people end up stressing so much about their relationships that overall they are unhappy - which is exactly NOT the point.

The journey of life always ends in the same place: death. All that matters is how you get there.

[Magnetism]

I'm living my own life, but my parents will do anything it takes to change my mind. They're very cunning with knowing how to seep in through the cracks, and they do this when I'm the most vulnerable. When I tell them that the things they say and do hurts my feelings, they're unable to empathize. Is that normal? If I had a child, I would want to stop him or her from feeling pain.

I'm contemplating severing ties, because it's getting too much. It's impacting my emotional health where I can't function. Being depressed is going to make it hard to attract healthy relationships and do my best. Has anyone heard of a parent that sabotages their child's happiness and fulfillment? Standing up to my parents feels like being a lone soldier fending off an army with massive weapons.

The reason why I told them all of this shocking stuff about sex is to show them that I am living my own life, and that I'm happy with it. This is who I am and I'm not going to change it.

[rcoreyus]

I think that many parents uninetionally sabotage their children's lives. I think its hard for parents to realize that children really are independent thinking people with different ideals and goals in life, and that the things that would make the parents happy may be completely different from what would make their children happy.

You need friends to talk to. I'm a friend - but more like a sort of imaginary friend - a disembodied voice on the net. Having close friends to talk to will make it easier to believe that other people share your idea of what is desirable in life.

Try to do what is best for you, not what other people try to tell you should be best.

[Magnetism]

I do have friends to talk to, but it can be hard to explain at times. My family situation is pretty unique. It's not everyday that you hear a woman that decides to stay married to a man that molested her daughter. It's not everyday that you hear a mom that's desperately trying to force an arranged marriage that will make her daughter miserable. It's not everyday that you hear of a mom that is unable to protect her child. Everywhere I go, it seems like mothers do what it take to protect their children from bullies, abusers and predators. When I told my mother how my ex boyfriend in my 20's was pressuring me to have sex against my will, her first response was "All boys want sex" and "Did you do something to make him mad?" WHAT? If my daughter told me that some guy was harrassing her for sex, I would be ready to chop his balls off. It's just bizarre that my mom doesn't seem to have these feelings.

When I tell my parents that the things they do hurt my feelings, they blow it off. They either use my hurt feelings against me, because now they know what my weaknesses are. For example, my mom knew that I was insecure about my looks and weight. So, she always commented on my weight and loved to see me get upset. If I told her how hurt it made me, she would justify her actions. I don't understand why a parent would want to do something that causes their child pain? She has no concept of healthy parenting and developing healthy self-esteem in a child. If a parent leaves their child with no self-esteem, they're setting up their child for worse things in life.

[Magnetism]

I also wanted to ask if it's still possible to attract a healthy partner that treats you nicely, even when your mom puts you down?

When my mom makes all of these nicks to my self-esteem, I end up feeling bad about myself. I've done everything from telling her how I feel, setting boundaries and what not. She's that type of woman that will do ANYTHING to get what she wants. It's like she needs to control someone to survive.

I'm just worried that the man or woman I'm dating will think it's okay to put me down, because my mom puts me down? Is there going to be a man or a woman that at least understands how I feel when my mom does the things she does? Or will they take advantage of me? I have had partners that have acted very empathic towards my family issues in the beginning, but then acted exactly like my mom in the end.

It has been almost a week since I haven't heard from her. I hope it stays that way. Maybe with no contact..I can finally be at peace.

[Little]

I know plenty of damaged people who find decent partners. My sister and I were raised by a mentally ill and unstable mother who did lots of the same things you describe your mother doing (minus the acceptance of sexual abuse, also we both left the house at 18.) We've both found spouses who don't have any major issues.

I may have directed you here in another post, but google "The Abusive Woman." There should be an article by Nancy Davis. Reading it will give you insights into your mother's behavior - explanations, not excuses - and may convince you that she won't respect reasonable boundaries. Even psychiatrists could not help my mother for many years.

I had to make a clean break with my mother. It was not pretty. She (supposedly) tried to overdose, had to be put in a mental hospital for a few months. I don't tell you this to scare you, but you should be prepared for some grand overtures if you are proactive in cutting off contact ... by not returning phone calls or any other method.

[Magnetism]

Hi Little,

For a minute, I thought my mom had changed and become more reasonable. We're going through the honeymoon phase for the past several months. But, I was wrong. She hasn't changed one bit. We have a history of things going smoothly and things erupting. I'm curious to see if going no-contact may improve my sense of happiness and decrease my PTSD. Everytime I see my parents, my body and mind react very strongly. I hate to say this, but I have told myself "I would rather be dead than deal with my parents."

My mom has started to tear up on the phone and gets my brother to be on her side when I call her out on her hurtful behavior. At this point, I don't care. I'm going to take a break from them for at least a couple to several months. It should be interesting to see how my life is without them.