[Little]

I feel like this will be a positive thing for you. If your brother or anybody else tries to guilt you about not contacting her, shut them down. It's up to your mother and her behavior whether she can be in your life, nobody else should help her back in as long as she's being harmful.

[DreamP346]

I think this is a good decision. You need to elliminate the aspects in your life that add more stress to your life. Family are a balancing act. They add stress but usually also provide other emotional support. If what you are getting back is significantly less than the negative impact they are causing you, then its time to cut them off. Don't feel guilty about it. Its like cutting out that tumor from your body. Yes, its part of your body and its not malignant, but its causing you unnecessary harm. You are better off getting rid of it.

[Magnetism]

So, do you say to your parents "I'm not talking to you for the next several months" or simply ignore phone calls?

Confronting itself can be triggering, because the parents will start to react even more:

"I'm your mother. How can you do this? Look at what we did for you."

Things like that. So, what would be the safest option?

It's funny that I'm no longer interested in marriage once I know I will no longer be talking to my mom for now. Life just seems much easier.

[Little]

In your place, I'd ignore ignore ignore. But it might be constructive to say, "I'm not talking to you until you apologize for your disrespect for me and my lifestyle. You can do that by mail/email/text. I'm hanging up now" the next time she calls.

[Magnetism]

The last time I told my mom that her comments were disrespectful, I was fired back with "You're my daughter. I don't have to respect you." LOL.
Since she was visiting me, she then huffed and went to the airport to wait for 8 hours.


The woman is clever where she will come back with anything. I've had therapists say that she's one of the most difficult mothers they have heard of. Perhaps me not responding to her at all will do the trick. She desperately wants a response and wants to see me upset. When I'm upset and insecure, she can use her arranged marriage ammo against me.

Sp-Is my family crazy or do you see a lot of South Asian families like mine? Where the parent thinks "My adult child has to do whatever I say, regardless!"

[DreamP346]

You don't have to be Asian to be the crazy parent. I've seen plenty of them in every culture. But I think the Asian culture is less forgiving for not listening to your parents or understanding that parents can be just as cruel. That is why we try so hard to conform to their demands. Anybody in the asian culture who has cut off relations with their parents is considered bad. But it's not an uncommon phenomenon to hear somebody here to say they don't have a relation with their parents.

We just have so much guilt as a child for all the sacrifices our parents made. Unlike western parents, our parents put all their energy into raising us. Do you have memories of a babysitter taking care of you while your parents went for date night? Not likely. All they ever did was work and take care of us. They saved money like crazy. Didn't make us pay rent once we were adults (unlike many American parents do). They slave away to send us to college. That is why we feel so guilty when we don't live up to their expectations. We become their only joy.

What we have to remember is that doesn't mean they own us. They did all those things because that is what THEY wanted to do. We have to be our own individuals.

[Magnetism]

You don't have to be Asian to be the crazy parent. I've seen plenty of them in every culture. But I think the Asian culture is less forgiving for not listening to your parents or understanding that parents can be just as cruel. That is why we try so hard to conform to their demands. Anybody in the asian culture who has cut off relations with their parents is considered bad. But it's not an uncommon phenomenon to hear somebody here to say they don't have a relation with their parents.

We just have so much guilt as a child for all the sacrifices our parents made. Unlike western parents, our parents put all their energy into raising us. Do you have memories of a babysitter taking care of you while your parents went for date night? Not likely. All they ever did was work and take care of us. They saved money like crazy. Didn't make us pay rent once we were adults (unlike many American parents do). They slave away to send us to college. That is why we feel so guilty when we don't live up to their expectations. We become their only joy.

What we have to remember is that doesn't mean they own us. They did all those things because that is what THEY wanted to do. We have to be our own individuals.

My parents told me to take out college loans, which I'm paying back. They didn't pay for my education, but they let me stay rent-free. I offered to pay rent in hopes that I would get more freedom from them, but they said no way. When they offer me money now, I tell them no. But, they insist. So, I say "Okay, it's your choice." A therapist said that their financial help is restitution for all what they've done.

I would imagine a dependent mother stuck in a toxic marriage would be proud that her daughter is independent, safe and self-sufficient. I was even hoping to show my mom that you don't need a lot of money to be independent. It's possible for a woman to do well on her own with a modest salary. But, she chooses to stay with my step-dad and feels that she can't live on her own.

When I worked at a battered women's shelter for Indian women, I was amazed at how women with little english skills and no money were bold enough to leave their husbands. They were determined to live their own lives. One lady learned english quickly, got a job at a restaurant, got a car and got an apt!

[DreamP346]

My parents told me to take out college loans, which I'm paying back. They didn't pay for my education, but they let me stay rent-free. I offered to pay rent in hopes that I would get more freedom from them, but they said no way. When they offer me money now, I tell them no. But, they insist. So, I say "Okay, it's your choice." A therapist said that their financial help is restitution for all what they've done.

I would imagine a dependent mother stuck in a toxic marriage would be proud that her daughter is independent, safe and self-sufficient. I was even hoping to show my mom that you don't need a lot of money to be independent. It's possible for a woman to do well on her own with a modest salary. But, she chooses to stay with my step-dad and feels that she can't live on her own.

When I worked at a battered women's shelter for Indian women, I was amazed at how women with little english skills and no money were bold enough to leave their husbands. They were determined to live their own lives. One lady learned english quickly, got a job at a restaurant, got a car and got an apt!

This is a personal question and you don't have to answer it, but could your mom be staying with your step-father because she doesn't believe you or doesn't want to believe you as that would be admitting to her own failure to protect her child? Whatever the reasons, you have made a decision to cut her off from your life for the time being. Try to focus your energy on yourself instead of trying to figure your mom out.

[Magnetism]

SP-She says she believes me and that she hates him, but I think she's putting her needs above mine. He gives her the fancy house, the fancy car, and the title of being an engineer's wife. Without him, she loses the things that are important to her. Status, beauty, wealth and reputation are what she values.

I, on the other hand, don't need to be happy with materialistic things. I have a crappy TV that I barely watch. I only use my iphone for facebook, nook and nothing fancy. I love coming home to a modest apartment that I can call mine. I don't have fancy furniture. I don't drive a fancy car. I don't buy gucci and prada purses. What makes me happy is having freedom, doing well in my career, helping others and being emotionally safe. Feeling accomplished also gives me a sense of satisfaction.

It has been a life-long struggle fighting to be who I want to be and not pretend to be someone that I'm not.

[jns]

I, on the other hand, don't need to be happy with materialistic things. I have a crappy TV that I barely watch. I only use my iphone for facebook, nook and nothing fancy. I love coming home to a modest apartment that I can call mine. I don't have fancy furniture. I don't drive a fancy car. I don't buy gucci and prada purses. What makes me happy is having freedom, doing well in my career, helping others and being emotionally safe. Feeling accomplished also gives me a sense of satisfaction.

It has been a life-long struggle fighting to be who I want to be and not pretend to be someone that I'm not.

Hear, hear.