[Little]

Being the child of a mentally ill parent is harrowing, and depending on how he treats your kids, you might be setting them up for a life just as full of difficulties as your husband's was. You're their only sane parent. You've got to protect them.

I beg of you to really look with clear eyes at how your husband's behavior is affecting your children. How much they know and understand - have they been blatantly told your husband has a mental illness? Do they know that his unpredictability is NOT normal? Do they know it's NOT okay for him to belittle your appearance? Even if he never turns his anger towards them, if somebody doesn't step up and plainly say "this isn't normal, this is not okay," they can be very negatively impacted by the household dynamic at work here.

If you can't yet get out, for whatever reason, ensure that your children have another male role model - one without untreated mental illnesses, one who is responsible for his own actions - as soon as possible. Get them into counseling if you can.

[Magnetism]

Also, he definitely has PTSD. His mother died in his arms at the age of 12. His life has been full of difficulties.

You can have empathy for someone's pain, but it doesn't mean that you have to bear the the brunt of his anger. Why should you be punished for something that you weren't even a part of? There are many people with horrific trauma histories, but they don't go on and continue to abuse their partners.

I agree with everyone else in this thread, but I know that some abused women feel overwhelmed with people telling them to leave. Leaving isn't easy, especially when your mental state is beaten down and you feel helpless. You may also be fearful about what's going to happen. Can I survive on my own? Are bad things going to happen to me at a shelter? Will my kids be angry at me? The best that I can say is that these are simply feelings and it doesn't mean that you have to be chained to your situation. There are a lot of options out there, if you choose to pursue them and overcome your fears.

I'm also concerned about him becoming violent and throwing stuff, which isn't safe for your kids. I hope you and your family find a way to be in a better situation.

[mistril]

I was a case manager for several years. Even with people who had dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities), we always hold mental health patients responsible for their own actions. Your alternate personality committed a crime? It was still you. You did something despicable to your wife while you were manic? It was still you. You are doing nothing therapeutic or helpful to him AT ALL by forgiving bad behavior because of a mental health issue. I know this is very hard to accept. You want to forgive, to accept, to let be; but the truth is, all that will do is reinforce maladaptive behavior.

You must hold him accountable, especially if there is a mental health issue involved. Be compassionate, yes, but there is no one who can account for himself but him--even if, especially if, his mental health is in question. Never forget that.

Also seek counseling. I'm not by any means a professional. A relationship with someone with a mood disorder is very tricky. Professional help could be very beneficial.

[Cooks]

I guess I'm a little confused maybe even guilty. He says I'm not a wife, that he desires me to be thin and I do not care to give that to him so I fail at my wifely duties. He says I should care to give him what he wants and because I don't I've in turn ruined our marriage. I guess in a way he is right, I know that doesn't deserve abuse but I have failed to be desirable to my husband. I'm just so confused.

[Guest]

Bi-polar...excuse. PTSD...another excuse. He can get treatment for both of those and I have NEVER heard from anyone or anything that abuse of a spouse is a side effect or an acceptable behavior when dealing with either of these conditions. So HE needs to get help, medical, psychological, both or otherwise to deal with these issues and not continue to allow them to be used as excuses.

The rest of the stuff you have shared - IMO sounds like classic abuse behavoir that is ongoing and never ending. He takes the spotlight off of himslef and blames you. Phooey!

Without getting all spiritual on you/him, I can think of about ten versus in the Bible where it talks about the husband loving his wife like Jesus loved the church...

He is continuing to brow beat you into submission in order to take the focus off of him, his insecurities, his immaturities and other inappropriate behaviors in order to justify his actions.

This is a HIM problem much more than it is a YOU problem. How you choose to deal with it is something different altogether.

[bubbles32]

Hi Cooks.
You are mentally and emotionally being bashed and its not right not right at all. He may have had a hard life but that shouldnt become yours. There is always an answer, solution or way out of anything you just have to find that strength from somewere and you kids should be enough to tell you NO MORE. If it was me hed have a crock pot upside his head 1 for the disrespect, 2 for smashing your stuff up and 3 for not being a good husband but thats just me. Have you not got friends or family yo help you make a start for change because theres help out there you just have to make that choice and grap the help. You cannot make excuses for his behaviour Cooks, this is not how a husband should treat his wife. I hope you get up one day, look at him and it clicks that this isnt working for me or my kids. Yeah he may have money and control but thats not the be all and end all. Go and at least get.some advice on what your next steps could be and what helps available to you. All the best x

[mrmusic]

If you can, ask him to move out and live with his parents or somewhere. Do not divorce but lead a separate life first and see if there is a possibility for reconciliation. If not, its okay as you dont have to put up with his abuse.

[Julie:-)]

Gaining weight is not failing to your duties as a wife. It is ridiculous to think that you owe him being slim. The more he treats you like that, the least interest you will have in being attractive to him. You are in a vicious circle, and it won't get any better until you use all your strength and take a desicion for you and your children. You have all your life ahead, choose to live it in peace and happiness. Money is not important, get help from a church or other npo, but don't stay. In a couple of years you will look back and shake your head thinking on how you put up with this!

[azalea]

I am so sorry to hear all of this Cooks... he is cruel and inconsiderate. Does he ever hit or hurt you physically? Either way, the verbal abuse is terrible, and I wish I knew what to say to help you. I don't care how much you weigh, you are not a "fat pig", you are a hard working mother of 4. That is NOT an easy job.

I have read a lot lately about exercise therapy as a means of dealing with depression. I have been looking into it myself for my own depression. Exercise can help naturally improve your mental wellbeing. Do you have a workout routine? Maybe an evening jog? Maybe you could have a few nights a week where you hit the gym with girlfriends, a sister, etc. It will help you lose weight too, but most importantly will naturally improve your depression and help your self image. It's extremely hard to find motivation and confidence in a time like this, when someone it abusing you and making you feel worthless, and when you have nowhere to go. I can't even imagine how you feel with 4 kids to raise and no time to work. Hopefully someday soon when your kids are old enough, you can find work and start to gain independence from your awful husband.

I guess I'm a little confused maybe even guilty. He says I'm not a wife, that he desires me to be thin and I do not care to give that to him so I fail at my wifely duties. He says I should care to give him what he wants and because I don't I've in turn ruined our marriage. I guess in a way he is right, I know that doesn't deserve abuse but I have failed to be desirable to my husband. I'm just so confused.

Don't believe what he says! He expects you to upholds your duties as a wife, but he offers you no support as a husband. He wants to make it sound like it is YOUR fault when he cheats on you. He is the one ruining the marriage, and he's just trying to redirect the blame at you. A husband who truly loves his wife will love her no matter how many pounds she puts on. Her body should not be the only thing that makes her desirable to her husband. He is shallow and selfish to the highest degree.

I wish I could help you, but the best I can do is remind you that you are not the one to blame here. You are a victim of unfair and manipulative abuse. Please do not blame yourself!

I wish you all the best.

[amy37]

cooks is there a support sytem you could get plugged into? Family, friends, a community center, local church? Even a web site? but i highly recommned people you can personally talk to.

You choose what you believe about yourself. Don't believe your husband's lies about you. Everyone on this thread has said encouraging things about you, who are you going to believe? Your husband who has treated you badly? Or the people on this thread who haven't abused you?