[DreamP346]

This past year, as I approach 40, I have been making more effort with my looks, wearing make-up and doing my nails. In the past this was something I only did on special occassions and my husband would get all excited when I got "dolled-up". Six years ago, when I got a professional manicure for the first time, my husband was so excited, he offered to watch the kids so I could go get my nails done on a regular basis. Back then I didn't take him up on the offer.

Now, I often sit next to him doing my nails. Once done, I always flash my nails at him and ask him what he thinks. He gives a non-enthusiastic "looks nice" which I know means "I could care less." So finally I congronted him on this and he admited that he likes me just the way I am, not all this fake stuff. I feel comfortable that he "likes" the real me, but I would like like him to be "attracted" to me as well. Given his lack of libido, disinterest in spending alone time with me and no compliments about appearance/sexiness/figure, I wonder if he is even truely attracted to me. I feel like he loves me, but isn't IN love with me. I don't know if I'm just upset that he doesn't compliment me or if he is not attracted to the extra efforts I am making.

When I ask him, he always says he is very attracted to me, but none of his actions follow through on that.

[Pollon]

If your husband were posting here, what do you think he would say about all of this? ie. Why did he used to get excited about you getting dolled up? Why it stopped? Why his libido dropped off? Why he doesn't follow through on his claimed attraction?

[rcoreyus]

OK, just guessing. You mention his lack of libido. Maybe he is feeling somewhat pressured for sex, and your getting "dolled up" just feels like more pressure. This can easily happen in a relationship where one person wants sex much more often than the other. The one with the lower sex drive can start to interpret everything their partner does as a way to get sex. (one of the reasons this sort of mismatch is so destructive to a relationship).

I don't know enough about the situation to do more than just guess

[DreamP346]

If your husband were posting here, what do you think he would say about all of this? ie. Why did he used to get excited about you getting dolled up? Why it stopped? Why his libido dropped off? Why he doesn't follow through on his claimed attraction?

My husband has a lot to say and he can be very eloquent with words, but it's not backed up with actions so his words don't mean anything to me.

I don't know why he doesn't find me getting dolled-up appealing any more, although I have asked. I've also asked why he doesn't show me he is attracted to me when he says so but he doesn't have an answer and often rolls his eyes at me. He says his low libido is due to ED issues he has been having but he won't go get it checked out. I have also told him several times that intercourse isn't everything. I gave him some books on some other kinky stuff, but he never tried it although he said he would be open to it. For a few months, every time we got intimate, I would not try intercourse unless he initiated so that he didn't feel pressured. But that didn't help either. Lately I have stopped asking completely and the rare handful of times he has tried to initiate, I told him he didn't have to. I think he is happier this way.

I am trying really hard to accommodate him. I just wish he would act romantic or try to show that he was making an effort or make me feel beautiful when he knows it's something I haven't been feeling very confident over these last few years.

Last year I bought a bunch of stilettos. I thought he would really like them since I never had any before. I was so excited wearing them and showing him my new purchase. He told me that he found feet disgusting. When he saw that I was hurt by that comment, he looked at my feet and told me that as far as feet go, mine aren't bad. He tried to explain that he just didn't like feet and I understand that. But can't he appreciate how they could make me look good. I asked him if he would like it if I wore boots since that covers the feet, but he didn't care for that either.

[jns]

He probably is attracted to you, just not in the way you are to him. The low libido means he doesn't fit sex or sexy into the equation. Complimenting a woman on her figure, makeup, clothes, nails, etc. are all part of flirting. Flirting with one another doesn't have to stop with being in a relationship or being married. But a low or non-existent libido would probably stop the flirting.

It would be nice if the sex compromise between the higher sex drive and the lower sex drive was we'll do whatever you want this week and whatever I want the next one. But the lower sex drive almost always rules and the higher sex drive is left out in the cold.

ED doesn't mean low libido in many cases. That is why it can lead to frustration. If the woman is into it, giving her oral can overcome some of that frustration because the tongue doesn't go MIA.

[Stillness]

the rare handful of times he has tried to initiate, I told him he didn't have to

A lot of times I empathize with you and really get you, sp. Here I don't. When my wife initiates I jump all over it and let her know I appreciate it. Why would you turn him down? That would seem to be discouraging.

The other thing I was wondering is how you compliment him and let him know you love him. You don't have to answer me. I'm just saying that men like compliments too. We need recognition as much as women - not just on our sexiness, but on what we bring to the marriage/family or what we do well.

[DreamP346]

A lot of times I empathize with you and really get you, sp. Here I don't. When my wife initiates I jump all over it and let her know I appreciate it. Why would you turn him down? That would seem to be discouraging.

Recently he told me that since he has been out of work, he was been so depressed he has not sexual desire and the only reason we have sex is because he loves me. That made me feel horrible. I don't want to have sex with somebody who is just doing it out of obligation. When he initiates and I give him the out, he usually takes it. If he really does want it, he will continue. BTW, the low libido was even before he lost his job.

The other thing I was wondering is how you compliment him and let him know you love him. You don't have to answer me. I'm just saying that men like compliments too. We need recognition as much as women - not just on our sexiness, but on what we bring to the marriage/family or what we do well.

I will be the first to admit I am stingy with compliments. I know that and therefore I really make a concious effort to say nice things to him. I probably don't say it as often as most women, but I do a lot more than is my natural tendency. Definitely more than our early dating years. I keep telling him how good he looks in the boot cut jeans and to wear them again, but he rarely does. When he dies or cuts his hair, I love running my fingers through them. I'm big on action so I love giving him back rubs and kisses.

Now that he is home, I constantly remind him how special this time with the kids is and thank him everytime he cleans up the kitchen or does something like that. I do feel like it is a double standard because I don't feel appreciated for working full time and coming home and cooking dinner or spending my weekends doing laundry.

[Harmony]

This past year, as I approach 40, I have been making more effort with my looks, wearing make-up and doing my nails. In the past this was something I only did on special occassions and my husband would get all excited when I got "dolled-up". Six years ago, when I got a professional manicure for the first time, my husband was so excited, he offered to watch the kids so I could go get my nails done on a regular basis. Back then I didn't take him up on the offer.

Now, I often sit next to him doing my nails. Once done, I always flash my nails at him and ask him what he thinks. He gives a non-enthusiastic "looks nice" which I know means "I could care less." So finally I congronted him on this and he admited that he likes me just the way I am, not all this fake stuff. I feel comfortable that he "likes" the real me, but I would like like him to be "attracted" to me as well. Given his lack of libido, disinterest in spending alone time with me and no compliments about appearance/sexiness/figure, I wonder if he is even truely attracted to me. I feel like he loves me, but isn't IN love with me. I don't know if I'm just upset that he doesn't compliment me or if he is not attracted to the extra efforts I am making.

When I ask him, he always says he is very attracted to me, but none of his actions follow through on that.

SP346, didn't you mention in another thread your husband has 'moobs'? If his loss of libido has developed in tandem with his chest fat, and he has also been losing muscle, and gaining fat around his face and waist, and is perhaps feeling tired a lot more then he probably has low testosterone and will consequently not be responding 'properly' to all of your (what be be under any other circumstances) irresistible charms.

I know things are different in the US than the UK but I think his health insurance should cover a full panel of male hormone blood tests.

[Harmony]

A lot of times I empathize with you and really get you, sp. Here I don't. When my wife initiates I jump all over it and let her know I appreciate it. Why would you turn him down? That would seem to be discouraging.

The other thing I was wondering is how you compliment him and let him know you love him. You don't have to answer me. I'm just saying that men like compliments too. We need recognition as much as women - not just on our sexiness, but on what we bring to the marriage/family or what we do well.

I agree, if there's one thing that women don't quite get about men it's usually that they underestimate how important it is to compliment men, and how important reassurance is to them. Often it's just the absence of criticism which makes us think we're doing something right.

[Harmony]

SP346, I think your husband is lucky to have someone who's standing by him like this. Perhaps if he thinks he has a hormone problem as opposed to an actual sexual problem (although they can go hand-in-hand) he will be more likely to go to the doctors and request help?