[DreamP346]

SP346, I think your husband is lucky to have someone who's standing by him like this. Perhaps if he thinks he has a hormone problem as opposed to an actual sexual problem (although they can go hand-in-hand) he will be more likely to go to the doctors and request help?

Talking sex is my expertise. If he wanted to, I could give him a free sex therapy session He just won't go. I found a local expert on the issue and asked him to check out this doctor's website. I don't know if he did, but he didn't talk about it and doesn't go to see a doctor. I asked that during his annual visit to the primary care, he get his testosterone levels checked. He said everything was normal, but I don't believe he truly asked his doctor or even explained his problem.

I've stopped talking about it with him because I feel its a waist of time. Right now I just want to feel like I am in a romantic relationship and feel like a desirable woman.

[Harmony]

As a man the only reason I can think of for his actions (or lack of) and his behavior is that he has come to identify himself as the problem ridden man you see before you each time you arrive home of an evening. And subsequently (this is my best guess from a man's perspective) he is afraid to try in case he fails, it's easier in his situation (believe it or not) for many men to have an 'if I don't try I can't fail' attitude, and bury his head in the sand.

My first girlfriend was not cooperative with me at all and told me I should go to the doctor and ask them for a treatment for PE, I was so embarrassed and insecure (all of the stupid common 'stop and start' and squeeze stuff didn't work) I opted not to, she definitely exascepated the situation by being quite unkind to me and in hindsight I am actually quite interested as to what they would have suggested—to a 19 year old with a couple of months sexual experience probably not much, and I'm glad I was never used as a guinea-pig, since this was around the time doctor's started prescribing anti-depressants to young men who complained of premature ejaculation and had exhausted other treatment options.

I know it's highly unethical but I'd be tempted to stick a testosterone patch on his arm while he's asleep.

[Harmony]

I think once I actually lied and told her I had asked the doctor and she recommended something ridiculous like the squeeze and pause (which I read in one of her girly magazines, she was hot this ex, but not bright ;-) incidentally it didn't work.

[ItsASecret]

Sp what kind of personality does your husband have? Is he outgoing? Loud? Spontaneous? Laid back? Very vocal? Keeps to himself? The reason I ask is because my bf has made comments about how I am not so open about compliments to him. I try to I really do but I am just not a vocal person, I do not talk that much, I am quiet and reserved so complimenting is just not something that I constantly have on my mind so I end up lacking in the compliments or "noticing" department. Is your husband the same way? Just not much of a talker or open discussion type guy? Does he talk but generally avoids getting into anything more descriptive than the basic observation of "yeah you look nice"?

You could have a sit down with him and tell him that you just want to be noticed a bit more, not that you need constant compliments or anything but a "hey I like that dress on you" every once and awhile would be nice.

[Euphoric]

sp,

Has he always been this reserved and withholding? I wonder if he feels sort of emasculated? Not because of anything you have or have not done, but because he is unemployed at the moment, depressed, experiencing low libido due to ED. Perhaps his self-esteem is very low at the moment and those emotions are being passed on to you.

I know from your posts that you are communicating your feelings to him, but I don't think he is truly hearing what you are saying. This isn't necessarily about sex, it's about the romance and wanting to feel loved and appreciated. Maybe if you try talking to him without distractions (like a television) and let him know that you married him because you loved him, all of him, and need quality time with him. It sounds like he is on a vicious cycle: stress, depression, low self-esteem, which is only going to exasperate the ED. What he may fail to realize is that his actions are hurting you and that could ultimately cause him more stress because of the wedge that is driving you apart.

I know that you have suggested a website, but maybe offering to go with him to the doctor would help. Feeling like you are wasting your time is sad because as far as I can tell, you are being supportive. Hopefully he'll be more open-minded for both or your sakes.

[DreamP346]

Harmony - what would you recommend to get him to go see a doctor. I have already offered to go with him. I've told him that low testosterone is not just about sex and that is has lots of other health issues. I explain that the ED is something I am OK with. As we get older, lots of things stop working like they used to. It will happen to me as well, especially when I reach menopause. As long as we can continue to do other stuff. I explained how I am concerned for his health and that sexual problems are usually a precursor to other underlying health issues. Hasn't worked.

IAS - My husband is a very emotionally expressive man. He loves talking about most things that bother him. For example, when our dog died (we are both crazy dog people), my response was not to tell anybody. I didn't tell my family or coworkers until 6 months after when I could talk about it without crying. His response was the opposite. He told everybody who would lend an ear and spend a long time talking about our wonderful late dog. He is really good at being that sholder to cry on for his friends and always knows when to say the right things. So its really hard to see him being there for his friends, but not for me. I've already talked to him about wanting more attention and being appreciated. After the last talk, he really did start making an effort helping around the house. But the compliments are still not there. And I can easily tell when they are sincere or not. Plus, when somebody constantly keeps asking you, "how do I look" or "How was this dinner" you know they are fishing for a compliment.

Euphoric - my husband was usually very expressive. Its just been the last few years, basically after the kids were born that things have changed. He was working a very high stress job with long hours. But so was I. I always tried to make an effort, but I just didn't get the same from him. I feel like things have gotten progressively worse. I know being unemployed has been really hard on his self-esteem. But our problems started way before that.

Last year, I thought I was smothering him, so I decided to give him more space and not bother him too much or demand anything from him. I don't think he even noticed my absence and I think he enjoys that solitary time. I feel like I keep giving into his needs but I'm not getting anything back.

[Harmony]

SP346, in all honesty the problems your husband is experiencing and suffering from will normally have a man heading to the doctor's office like his life depends on it.

Off of the top of my head the only other spin I can think of you putting on it is that having his hormone levels assessed (and if necessary re-balanced) will restore his energy levels and stop his man boobs from getting any bigger and may shrink them.

While I appreciate that you are being as tactful as possible with him the truth is that an individual's patience is finite. I think it is time that you do some straight talking with him before you lose your patience, and subsequently temper and say something you might regret later. This situation is going to give at some stage in some shape or form. You cannot really do ant more than you're already doing and have done. The ball is in his court. If things don't improve and you do reach the stage where you end up snapping and saying something you may regret you'll likely also be in the territory where you're in danger of doing something you may later regret too.

Your husband needs to know he is jeopardizing your relationship, and is in danger of losing you. The paradox is that he is refusing to undergo self improvement which is in his interest to correct problems he is suffering from through no fault of his own.

I think you're going to have to spell it out for him.

[Stillness]

I know this is probably a long shot, but I'm thinking it: You could get him some weights. I just read that weightlifting just twice a week raises testosterone levels. I can feel the difference in my libido, my general get-up-and-go, and sense of well-being when I'm lifting regularly. Even just one session after going for weeks without makes a difference. It sounds funny, but it makes me feel manly. My beard literally seems to grow more quickly.

I know not all men are into this. I'm thinking that if a woman quietly bought an old-school weight bench and started lifting it would pique her husband's interest and may stimulate his participation, because I think it's such a manly thing. It'd be like a woman saying, "I'm going to go get under the car and change my oil." Most men would probably protest. I haven't owned free weights in a while. I use a Total Gym now. I love it even though it's not quite as "manly." If you all have something already you could start using it and ask him to join you if he doesn't show any interest. If you don't you could buy one for "yourself." I think some of those old-style Total Gyms can be bought new for a couple of hundred bucks.

[Harmony]

I know this is probably a long shot, but I'm thinking it: You could get him some weights. I just read that weightlifting just twice a week raises testosterone levels. I can feel the difference in my libido, my general get-up-and-go, and sense of well-being when I'm lifting regularly. Even just one session after going for weeks without makes a difference. It sounds funny, but it makes me feel manly. My beard literally seems to grow more quickly.

I know not all men are into this. I'm thinking that if a woman quietly bought an old-school weight bench and started lifting it would pique her husband's interest and may stimulate his participation, because I think it's such a manly thing. It'd be like a woman saying, "I'm going to go get under the car and change my oil." Most men would probably protest. I haven't owned free weights in a while. I use a Total Gym now. I love it even though it's not quite as "manly." If you all have something already you could start using it and ask him to join you if he doesn't show any interest. If you don't you could buy one for "yourself." I think some of those old-style Total Gyms can be bought new for a couple of hundred bucks.

You are correct Stillness, but this advice will not be applicable to someone who has low testosterone, weight lifting would actually be harder work and yield less in the way of results for someone with low testosterone. Conversely exercise will be good for him for the endorphin releasing and cardiovascular benefits.

I love weightlifting, I've been doing it for years now and the benefits are numerous, it is the only form of physical activity I really enjoy participating in apart from jogging occasionally.

[Stillness]

I don't understand what you mean, Buddhaboy. Are you saying that weightlifting will not raise testosterone levels for someone with low testosterone? Does it only work for someone with already normal levels?

You and sp are assuming. It's good guess, but one unlikely to be confirmed given this man's aversion to doctors and the fact that he already had his levels "checked." It could very well be psychological. Which makes me wonder if you've tried the postage stamp test, sp. Maybe he'd be willing?