[jdub72]

It happened so fast and I tried to stop it but didn't. So he suspects I messed around, and he is correct. Now I feel like a **********.

My husband noticed when we had sex and he was performing oral on me, a few hours after the event. When I got home he was already there, so we started messing around. When he took my panties off he asked me why I was swollen, and he said my canal was open visibly when I was laying on my back. He still had sex with me but he pulled out this time instead of going all the way. That night he came back home with a black light flash light white yellow glasses and he scanned my panties in the crotch. He saw a yellow white stain and he showed it to me so I passed it off as discharge because I just got off my period. I hid my panties from the next few days so he can't see them. So can you really tell if I messed around on him that way? Is he being over obsessive looking at my panties?

I know what I did was wrong and I did it out of lust and his not showing me sexual attention. I feel so bad should I come clean or keep up the smoke screen.

[Little]

Some people will say that you should come clean. Others will say that you shouldn't. Really you need to examine your own situation - will it help you to come clean? Help him? Help your relationship? Are there kids involved? How long have you been married - have you tried to work on your problems with intimacy? Do you think that the relationship can be saved - whether he knows about the cheating or not?

You don't have to answer any of those, they're just suggestions for things to think about. Personally I'd say, since he finds the evidence of your indiscretion so obvious and has confronted you about it, the gig is up and it might be in your best interest to come clean now rather than later.

To answer your questions about proof, you could probably pass off all those symptoms by saying you'd masturbated earlier. Unless he spirits off your panties to a lab for testing - which it sounds like he's determined enough to do.

[jns]

What are the circumstances of your infidelity?

[rcoreyus]

Why did you do it? If the reasons remain, then you will probably do it again, and eventually be caught for sure. If it really was a once in a lifetime thing, then maybe you can pretend it never happened. If it is going to happen again, then you need to either work out an arrangement for an open marriage, or get a divorce.

[WickedVegasINk]

It happened so fast and I tried to stop it but didn't. I know what I did was wrong and I did it out of lust and his not showing me sexual attention.

I think before you make a decision about whether or not to discuss it with him, you should really take a hard and deep look at WHY YOU cheated. Obviously there is a problem or issue somewhere in your relationship, or you wouldn't have even considered it, much less did it.

I can't tell you whether or not to be honest with him...that's something for you to decide. In the end though, I think if you can't bring yourself to be honest with your mate and deal with the issues that caused you to become unfaithful, then you shouldn't stay in the relationship. That lie will just continue to poison everything, and lead to more lies to cover up the first one. It's like a snowball effect, a snowball with the power to destroy everything in it's path.

Personally I think you should get it out in the open and work on rebuilding the trust that was broken (because that's what cheating and lies do)...because relationships, especially marriages, are built on trust. If you lose trust, it's pretty pointless to try to keep acting as if everything is ok and the same as ever...trust needs to be rebuilt, issues need to be resolved, things need to be worked out if you want a healthy and happy relationship.

That's just my opinion, but it is steeped in and based on experience, so maybe that gives it a little more weight.

Hope this is of help to you...let me know how things work out for you. I wish you the best!

[jdub72]

Why did you do it? If the reasons remain, then you will probably do it again, and eventually be caught for sure. If it really was a once in a lifetime thing, then maybe you can pretend it never happened. If it is going to happen again, then you need to either work out an arrangement for an open marriage, or get a divorce.

I did it because I was not getting sexual attention at home. Lately he has been on the road for his job, and I was just out right honestly needing a man to satisfy my needs. I feel so dishonest and dirty that i cannot get rid of the feeling. I think I am going to admit it to him and try to see if he will accept my actions. As for the future I have decided to keep myself for my husband.

[BabyGirl]

I know what I did was wrong and I did it out of lust and his not showing me sexual attention

I'm just a bit confused here ,

You say you did out of Lust and his not showing you sexual attention ?
Isn't your hubby showing you sexual attention by your own words ..

My husband noticed when we had sex and he was performing oral on me, a few hours after the event.

Is the few hours after the "Event" being the sex with another guy Event ? Or is it after hubby tried to give you Oral pleasure and then Penile Intercourse ?
I just cannot see the " No Sexual Attention " here.

On to ..

That night he came back home with a black light flash light white yellow glasses and he scanned my panties in the crotch. He saw a yellow white stain and he showed it to me so I passed it off as discharge because I just got off my period. I hid my panties from the next few days so he can't see them.

Good Fast Excuse , but hiding panties is not Necessary or shouldn't be. Washing them is very important, whether you cheat or not. Soaking them in Vinegar water then washing in detergent that has baking soda will alkalize the " semen " stains and even neutralize your own " Vaginal " stains from your undies .

The UV or Super Led Flashlight/ Black Light and yellow Glasses, Can if used properly,show a person where fluids may be. Cat Urine, Dog Urine, Your Urine, Stains in carpets , Flea " Dirt " meaning the Blood from your pet or even stains on your couch and bed.. That are not seen with the " Naked Eye " .

So can you really tell if I messed around on him that way? Is he being over obsessive looking at my panties?

Yes we can tell you messed around ,Cheated or whatever you wish to call it .. We can Tell, because you told us you did it .

Is he being over obsessive because he looked at your Panties ?
Normally Yes .... if he was possessive and suspicious and controlling and the " Wife Beater " kind .
But since you showed Signs of Cheating ( to him ) then NO .

A man just like a woman,see's Red Flags, senses things.

There.. he is wanting to make Love with you and he starts to go Down on you and notices the swollen area and he notices the Vaginal opening to be different than the last time he went down on his woman ..
He tells you that it looks different

And the Man in him may have thought ...You being Swollen down there was not normal, You may have felt " looser" than usual, and that may have given him reason to suspect something was not right. Especially if you were not as " reactive " as you normally are when he and you make love. So he started and then did not finish .
Instead he bought one of those Kits like CheckMate or SemenSpy which is a Kit that can be used at home and they are about $30 in Drug stores . A bit more online .
There is a normal cleansing action called "flowback" can actually cause the female body to secrete small amounts of the male partners semen for up to and around 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse, even after showering, resulting in dried semen stains in her underwear that be instantly detected with this kit. It also works for men, to see if they cheated.

Now the black light and UV Glasses that he used will not actually prove it is Semen, as that method can be used to find Cat Urine and even Flea Dirt on furniture, Beds and Carpets . You need a certain " luminous " spray or powder to actually pick up the " Bio Fluids ".
But he evidently already suspects .. So.... You excuse of " Infection " may not fly .. especially if he took a test/ strip and sent it off .

Now to Do you Hide it and Lie to him or do you confess ?
That is as others have said, is up to you, why you cheated, what is going on, can you live the Lie or not ?
Do you think you would be forgiven if you confessed ?
Or is it better to learn your lesson and pour yourself into the Marriage and be the best Wife you ever could be ?

Personally I have been Cheated on it was over 3 years and it never felt good, it made me feel Worthless and why wasn't I good enough ? That was in the 1980's .

Also... I was the " Mistress " for a year to a man that said and claimed he was separated and sleeping on the couch and I was involved all the way except actual Intercourse . Everything emotional, all the if we were we would stuff . And it ended in May of 2110. And I've been here ever since



This is an Excellent place to come for Info and Advise. But.. You can only take into Heart what works for YOU !

Be strong .

[jns]

BG's analysis seems to be spot on. The timing seems to be curious. Did your husband show up unexpectedly?

[azalea]

The hard answer is that there isn't really a right answer. This all depends on what the future of your relationship with your husband is. As others have states, cheating is a sign that something is not quite working right in the relationship. It sounds like you have sexual frustrations pent up... have you ever talked with your husband about that and made your needs clear? Has he been distant or disinterested? Have there been any arguments, fighting etc? Is there any emotional significance to the guy you cheated with?

If you love your husband and want the best for him, it may be best to be honest with him. It may result in losing him, or it may not. It will certainly hurt him, but he may continue to feel more and more suspicious, and then just be more angry that you hid it from him when he finds out. If you think that your relationship is just not working, you need to decide what you are going to do about the future of your relationship.

I think it might only hurt you more over time if you keep it a secret. It will hurt you if your husband tells you about how he cares for you, because you will remember the incident and feel guilty. If he DOESN'T tell you about how he cares for you, then that's another problem you need to discuss. Your relationship may be stagnant, and that's the first problem that leads to these issues.

Good luck and best wishes!

[jdub72]

No it is not going to happen again, I did it because I needed sex, not love just plain sex. We have been apart due to his work and I got weak. I love him and we have five children. I cannot live the lie I feel like crap about what I did. I have to tell him the truth and then rebuild the trust. I just don't know how and I want to avoid a big blow up if I can.