[Claret]

I think you BOTH should make appts. to get tested for STI's immediately. Do it as a couple, get it over and done with. You BOTH could be infected or one or the other of you could have something nasty. Until then I recommend that you either abstain from sex or use a condom.

[Little]

Good point, Claret - and make sure you ask the doctor about how long it might take those tests to turn positive. Some diseases incubate for a number of weeks or months before beginning to affect the body.

There's never a good reason for hitting another person. There are just lots of excuses. In the same breath, there's never a good reason to cheat on your partner, just the excuses we give ourselves - but that was done in this situation. Neither partner deserved the treatment they got, but a physical assault is less acceptable in our culture than an "emotional assault" like finding out your partner is cheating.

I urge you to examine the reasons you gave yourself for cheating and whether they're the real reasons. If they're not, seek within yourself the REAL reasons. Possibly through counseling. Please document that black eye, no matter what your marriage prospects look like right now. People who commit a crime and get away with it begin to feel invincible - that goes not just for assault but also cheating.
Continue to evaluate your relationship, not just in the next few months but far in the future, so that you don't become so unhappy, vengeful, or out of control that you feel the need to cheat again.

[rcoreyus]

I think you need to go to counseling before this escalates further. Maybe the marriage can be saved, maybe not, but it is worth a try.

No matter what you did, there is never an excuse for him hitting you. His going out to have a one night stand just for revenge is also petty - and pointless. OTOH, he has every right to leave if you cheated.

In the end you should only try to stay together if you think you can eventually trust and love each other again. There is no reason to stay in a relationship without trust and love. The courts can sort out the money so no one is left destitute.

[Stillness]

jdub72,

Little brings up an excellent point that I hadn't considered:

a physical assault is less acceptable in our culture than an "emotional assault" like finding out your partner is cheating.

I think you should take this as well as some of the responses that you're getting to heart. Your husband has never hit you before and you say that you understand his response and that he is showing you respect and you are working towards reconciliation - which I think is wonderful. Yet some people are hung up on him hitting you and even talking about divorce. It's not a big deal on the internet because we're all anonymous, but I think it demonstrates that you need to be careful who you let "help" you with this. Others may not share your values and may try to impose theirs on you. Some individuals or organizations could push you towards separation or divorce or you could potentially find your husband being prosecuted against your wishes because someone feels very strongly about what you should be doing, regardless of your desire to be with the man you love and have him love you.

This is the very reason why I like other individuals and the State away from my business. A lot of people and institutions have opinions and want to insert themselves into someone else's marriage, but don't have a clue how to make one work.

[rcoreyus]

One of the advantages of internet forums is that you get opinions from a wide variety of people with different backgrounds and different ideologies. I hope that no one takes advice from the internet as gospel, they just use it as more input to their own decisions.

In this case, to me cheating is bad, but not really bad, not marriage ending bad. Instead it is an indication that something else is missing in the marriage. Physical violence though I consider unacceptable under any circumstances and I would consider divorce after a single instance. The difference to me is that cheating is done for one's own benefit, and any harm to the partner is incidental. Hitting is done specifically to hurt your partner. How can anyone intentionally cause harm to someone they claim to love?

[Stillness]

In this case, to me cheating is bad, but not really bad, not marriage ending bad...Physical violence though I consider unacceptable under any circumstances and I would consider divorce after a single instance.

My view is exactly the opposite. In either case I wouldn't recommend divorce, though. I hate it and I think people opt for it too easily. When someone wants to work through whatever issues they have and stick it out, I'm always rooting for them.

Like you, I do despise men who abuse women. I think that either partner hitting the other is unacceptable. Home should be a haven. But, if there can be any understanding for extenuating circumstances, I think it has to go to the person whose spouse let them give oral sex immediately after their genitals were just joined to someone else's. I'm not trying to make jdub72 feel bad because I live with sexual frustration myself. I understand it. But, that guy has license to go a little crazy in my book.

As always I appreciate your perspective and everyone else's, though...even if you're wrong

[Bladyn'smommy16]

My view is exactly the opposite. In either case I wouldn't recommend divorce, though. I hate it and I think people opt for it too easily. When someone wants to work through whatever issues they have and stick it out, I'm always rooting for them.

Like you, I do despise men who abuse women. I think that either partner hitting the other is unacceptable. Home should be a haven. But, if there can be any understanding for extenuating circumstances, I think it has to go to the person whose spouse let them give oral sex immediately after their genitals were just joined to someone else's. I'm not trying to make jdub72 feel bad because I live with sexual frustration myself. I understand it. But, that guy has license to go a little crazy in my book.

As always I appreciate your perspective and everyone else's, though...even if you're wrong

Stillness.. I don't want to be rude but you are condoning what her husband did by saying basically she deserved it.. Extenuating circumstances still this gives him no right to strike her.. Yes cheating is awful and ill be the first to agree with you on that but it still doesn't excuse him striking her!! What is your reasonings that it is okay ever to hit a woman let alone your wife?? Cheating?? Or is there other extenuating circumstances also??

[Stillness]

Bladyn'smommy16, you're not rude and I'm not offended. I appreciate your concern for her. You are wrong, though. I didn't condone hitting this woman or any woman. Nor did I say she deserved it or that he had a right to hit her. You're putting words in my mouth. I specifically said that hitting is unacceptable and that I despise abusers. Look back at my comments right in your post. What I did say is that I understand the wrongs they both did. Understanding is very different from condoning.

I'm also trying to be as supportive as a stranger on the internet can be to a person who's going through a very difficult ordeal. What good does it do to keep dwelling on this when she's forgiven him and is trying to move forward?

[DreamP346]

I'm sure Stillness will make his own reply, but I do understand where he is coming from. In the US, physical abuse is put at a level beyond any other types of abuse. I'm not saying its acceptable or even that its a minor offense. What I notice is that when a male does any type of physical harm to his female partner, its considered as if the person murdered somebody. If a woman, in a fit of rage, threw a huge vase at her male partner, then that is not considered as bad. To me, both are bad, but also, if both were done in a temporary fit of rage that was instigated by something the other partner did (and not the normal behavior), then there is grounds for forgiveness and working through this behavior. Its not at all the same as the abusive partner who physicially abuses their partner for no reason and often repeatedly. I think we do injustice to people who face this type of extreme abuse with the people who had a single episode with their partner.

The reality is we are all human and we can all admit to making mistakes and doing things irrationally. If we can come to accept that what we did was a mistake, and not repeat our behavior, there is hope. I don't think we should label such people as abusive and there is hope for making things work out.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

It's her decision to move forward with him yes.. I'm not saying she should or shouldn't... I'm just saying she should know that hitting is never okay in a relationship.. And I would just like to know stillness, since you feel that these were extenuating circumstances.. Are there any other reasons a man would go a little crazy and it would be okay to hit his wife besides cheating?..

If your saying he couldn't help his self I don't believe it.. He gave her a black eye.. My husband has no control whatsoever when he's drunk/ angry but he has never once striked me that's why I don't believe he couldn't help it..